SAN FERNANDO, CA (AIP) – In what surely must be the least surprising result of an athletic contest in recent memory black belt Johnny Lawrence handed Daniel LaRusso his ass in the first round of the All Valley Karate Championships Saturday, knocking LaRusso out within 27 seconds and causing injuries that sent the unconscious LaRusso to the hospital.
“It was a fucking thing of beauty,” said Cobra Kai Dojo Sensi John Kreese, whose vicious karate style has become popular among local gangs. “Even before I told Johnny to sweep LaRusso’s legs he was doing it. From what I’ve been told by medical personnel he’ll probably never walk straight again.”
LaRusso, who had spent the previous three month in servile apprenticeship to apartment handyman Kesuke Miyagi in order to learn his style of karate never had a chance in the fight.
“LaRusso was pretty much fucked from the get go,” said Kreese. “He came out and stood on one leg with his arms out, absolutely opening himself up to an attack and Johnny simply destroyed him.”
Miyagi’s controversial karate style and perchance for young boys has come under pretty harsh scrutiny from tournament officials.
“We’ve checked and the county has no business license for a ‘Miyagi Dojo’”, said Frank Forrester, Tournament director. “Furthermore, apparently this Miyagi fellow is under federal indictment for violation of the the Stolen Valor Act. We’re also showing arrests from Florida for lewd and lascivious molestations. Aside from all that he damn near got the LaRusso boy killed.”
“Danielson not too bright,” said Miyagi. “I had idiot boy painting my fence, washing my cars and sanding my floors. When I told him ‘show me suck my cock’ he simply complied, assuming that it was some mystical form of karate training.
“One Saturday I took him to the beach and made him stand on a piling out in the water and jump up and down. It was the funniest damn thing to watch. He looked like a fool. I saw his injuries. That boy will probably never walk straight again.”
LaRusso’s mother Lucille said that Daniel is withdrawing from Valley High School and plans to finish his education at the Reseda Technical/Vocational College, studying hairstyling.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Public Defender Murdered In Orlando
ORLANDO (AIP) – Assistant Public Defender Karl Martin-Lucke was killed by the jury listening to his closing arguments in a petit theft trial at the Orange County Courthouse on Thursday, in what bystanders called one of the most heinous crimes in recent memory.
“It was chilling,” said Martha Pennington, mother of Thad Pennington who was the defendant in the petit theft in which Martin-Lucke was representing him. “The jurors beat him to death with their hands. It must have gone on for 10 minutes.”
The trial in which Pennington was accused of ordering a sandwich at Publix and eating it without paying as he wandered the aisles was entering its fourth hour of defense closing argument when the jurors attacked.
“We were fed up with him constantly going over the same three points over and over for hours,” said Juror number 4, who agreed to be interviewed immediately after the murder as he ordered a milkshake and fries in the Courthouse cafeteria. “We were all beyond being highly offended by his seeming contempt for our lack of common sense and his implied belief that we didn’t hear him the first time, or the second time, or the third time.
“Juror 3 moved first, literally vaulting out of the box and tackling the attorney. But we were all on him in no time. It took time to kill him and that was probably the most satisfying thing.”
Courtroom surveillance video show bailiffs in the courtroom at the time of the attack stepped outside while the jurors savagely beat Martin-Lucke.
“Our officers only respond to crimes,” said Sheriff’s Office spokesman Miller Benton. “There was no crime being committed there.”
Attorneys in the Public Defender’s Office mostly agreed that Martin-Lucke will not be missed.
“The son of a bitch would never shut up,” said Assistant Public Defender Carolyn McManus. “We’re all glad he’s dead.”
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“It was chilling,” said Martha Pennington, mother of Thad Pennington who was the defendant in the petit theft in which Martin-Lucke was representing him. “The jurors beat him to death with their hands. It must have gone on for 10 minutes.”
The trial in which Pennington was accused of ordering a sandwich at Publix and eating it without paying as he wandered the aisles was entering its fourth hour of defense closing argument when the jurors attacked.
“We were fed up with him constantly going over the same three points over and over for hours,” said Juror number 4, who agreed to be interviewed immediately after the murder as he ordered a milkshake and fries in the Courthouse cafeteria. “We were all beyond being highly offended by his seeming contempt for our lack of common sense and his implied belief that we didn’t hear him the first time, or the second time, or the third time.
“Juror 3 moved first, literally vaulting out of the box and tackling the attorney. But we were all on him in no time. It took time to kill him and that was probably the most satisfying thing.”
Courtroom surveillance video show bailiffs in the courtroom at the time of the attack stepped outside while the jurors savagely beat Martin-Lucke.
“Our officers only respond to crimes,” said Sheriff’s Office spokesman Miller Benton. “There was no crime being committed there.”
Attorneys in the Public Defender’s Office mostly agreed that Martin-Lucke will not be missed.
“The son of a bitch would never shut up,” said Assistant Public Defender Carolyn McManus. “We’re all glad he’s dead.”
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U Of I Researchers Announce Unexpected Findings
WRISTBEND, IN (AIP) – Researchers at the University of Indiana-Wristbend today announced the unexpected findings of a five year government-funded study that they say will be a “game-changer” in the science of masturbation.
“Our findings are going to change the way people jerk off worldwide,” said Dr. Mike Tomlinson, lead researcher. “Incredibly, we’ve found that men and women who fantasize about other people when they masturbate have a faster, more satisfying orgasm.”
The study, largest of its kind ever, included 6,800 volunteer subjects.
“Running a batch used to take 45 minutes, maybe an hour,” said volunteer Dalton Gray, a junior at the University and third chair clarinet in the school’s marching band. “I’d just sit there and think about myself, my life and keep rubbing. I’d often finish with blisters on my unit, if I could finish at all.
“But in this study I learned that if I thought of someone else, like Shelia Johnson in my applied chemistry class giving me a blow job, I could pop a load within minutes. It was eye opener.”
And, according to Tomlinson, females who participated in the study were found to have similar results.
“The difference is amazing,” said Mandy Nelson, a dental hygienist. “I’m a little overweight and what you might call ‘homely’ so my masturbation life hasn’t been that fulfilling. But when I learned that I could imagine Russell Crowe orally manipulating my clit things changed dramatically.”
Tomlinson said his staff will next study the effects of viewing photographs and movies depicting sex acts between adults on a group of volunteer masturbators.
“Traditional wisdom tells us that dirty pictures and movies have no beneficial effects on masturbation, but we’re going to challenge that assumption,” said Tomlinson. “The walls may be coming down.”
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“Our findings are going to change the way people jerk off worldwide,” said Dr. Mike Tomlinson, lead researcher. “Incredibly, we’ve found that men and women who fantasize about other people when they masturbate have a faster, more satisfying orgasm.”
The study, largest of its kind ever, included 6,800 volunteer subjects.
“Running a batch used to take 45 minutes, maybe an hour,” said volunteer Dalton Gray, a junior at the University and third chair clarinet in the school’s marching band. “I’d just sit there and think about myself, my life and keep rubbing. I’d often finish with blisters on my unit, if I could finish at all.
“But in this study I learned that if I thought of someone else, like Shelia Johnson in my applied chemistry class giving me a blow job, I could pop a load within minutes. It was eye opener.”
And, according to Tomlinson, females who participated in the study were found to have similar results.
“The difference is amazing,” said Mandy Nelson, a dental hygienist. “I’m a little overweight and what you might call ‘homely’ so my masturbation life hasn’t been that fulfilling. But when I learned that I could imagine Russell Crowe orally manipulating my clit things changed dramatically.”
Tomlinson said his staff will next study the effects of viewing photographs and movies depicting sex acts between adults on a group of volunteer masturbators.
“Traditional wisdom tells us that dirty pictures and movies have no beneficial effects on masturbation, but we’re going to challenge that assumption,” said Tomlinson. “The walls may be coming down.”
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Former Teacher Sues School Board Over Firing
AIKEN, SC (AIP) – Local resident Marty St. Croix has filed suit in the United States District Court for the District of South Carolina seeking to force the Aiken County School Board to reinstate him and pay back wages for what he claims is his illegally firing because of his sexual orientation.
“I can’t believe it has come to this,” said St. Croix, a 37-year old science teacher who spent 13 years teaching at South Aiken High School until school board members learned about his lifestyle from his Facebook posts. “I never hid the fact that I was a male lesbian. Everybody knew that I dug chicks.
“When I was young the other guys at school made fun of me because I liked the ladies. They’d call me names and I got beaten up on a fairly regular basis. I don’t like being a male lesbian but I was born this way.”
Lewis Carpenter, attorney for the Aiken County School Board, said he wouldn’t normally comment on pending legal action but would make an exception in this case.
“St. Croix is one sick fuck,” said Carpenter contacted Sunday on his way to church. “He has sex with women. I don’t mean little, under aged girls, I mean adult women. He’s a male lesbian and it makes my skin and the skins of our community crawl just thinking about it.”
Legal scholar Marion Richardson, professor of law at the University of South Carolina, thinks St. Croix’s chances to prevail are strong.
“The courts have long held that sexual preference is not a lawful reason to terminate an employee,” said Richardson. “It’s unfortunate because people like St. Croix disgust me. I personally think he should be destroyed like a dangerous bacillus.”
St. Croix thinks that he lifestyle is just misunderstood.
“I just like having sex with women,” said St. Croix. “It’s nothing kinky or dirty: missionary, doggie, reverse cowboy. Just sex. I just enjoy a nice pair of yabos and a wet vagina. A lot of folks might think that it’s sick for a guy to feel this way but it’s how I am.”
Oral argument in the suit is set to begin in the District Court on Monday.
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“I can’t believe it has come to this,” said St. Croix, a 37-year old science teacher who spent 13 years teaching at South Aiken High School until school board members learned about his lifestyle from his Facebook posts. “I never hid the fact that I was a male lesbian. Everybody knew that I dug chicks.
“When I was young the other guys at school made fun of me because I liked the ladies. They’d call me names and I got beaten up on a fairly regular basis. I don’t like being a male lesbian but I was born this way.”
Lewis Carpenter, attorney for the Aiken County School Board, said he wouldn’t normally comment on pending legal action but would make an exception in this case.
“St. Croix is one sick fuck,” said Carpenter contacted Sunday on his way to church. “He has sex with women. I don’t mean little, under aged girls, I mean adult women. He’s a male lesbian and it makes my skin and the skins of our community crawl just thinking about it.”
Legal scholar Marion Richardson, professor of law at the University of South Carolina, thinks St. Croix’s chances to prevail are strong.
“The courts have long held that sexual preference is not a lawful reason to terminate an employee,” said Richardson. “It’s unfortunate because people like St. Croix disgust me. I personally think he should be destroyed like a dangerous bacillus.”
St. Croix thinks that he lifestyle is just misunderstood.
“I just like having sex with women,” said St. Croix. “It’s nothing kinky or dirty: missionary, doggie, reverse cowboy. Just sex. I just enjoy a nice pair of yabos and a wet vagina. A lot of folks might think that it’s sick for a guy to feel this way but it’s how I am.”
Oral argument in the suit is set to begin in the District Court on Monday.
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
President Says Illegal Immigrants Not Welcome
JUAREZ, MEXICO (AIP) - Facing over 50,000 illegal immigrants at the border seeking asylum, the President took to the airwaves today in an attempt- some say much belated - to try and halt the flow and put an end to the crisis that has developed in recent months.
“We must make it clear to these folks that they simply can’t walk across the border and enjoy all the benefits of being in this country” said Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto in a speech aired by both Univision and Telemundo. “These people from the North must learn that there are legal ways to enter our country and those who attempt to evade those ways are not wanted here.”
The North or United States side of the Rio Grande, that small ribbon of water that separates the two countries, is littered with the SUV’s, luxury cars, motorcycles and RV’s that the illegal immigrants have abandoned to wade the river and enter into Mexico.
The journey to the border was fraught with peril for many.
“I came here for a new start, a chance,” said microbiologist Marcus Brown, whose odyssey began in Westchester, New York. He abandoned his 2013 Corvette on a dusty side street in El Paso, TX to wade across the Rio Grande. “I had to endure poor restaurant food, marginal hotels and surly gas station attendants. It was hell.
“But I want to live free and have opportunities that the United States doesn’t offer.”
Juarez Mayor Jose Reyes Ferriz said that his country’s main concern is jobs.
“These undocumented gringos take the traditionally low paying jobs here, jobs that our youth would normally fill,” said Ferriz. “Doctors, lawyers, astrophysicists, upper level management; those menial jobs that our kids used to do in the summer.”
President Nieto said he was prepared to get tough to staunch the flow.
“We in this country have a reputation for being mean drunks and needlessly cruel,” said Nieto. “It’s a well-earned reputation. You come to this country in your Tommy Bahamas and Sperry Topsiders and you’ll find that out.”
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“We must make it clear to these folks that they simply can’t walk across the border and enjoy all the benefits of being in this country” said Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto in a speech aired by both Univision and Telemundo. “These people from the North must learn that there are legal ways to enter our country and those who attempt to evade those ways are not wanted here.”
The North or United States side of the Rio Grande, that small ribbon of water that separates the two countries, is littered with the SUV’s, luxury cars, motorcycles and RV’s that the illegal immigrants have abandoned to wade the river and enter into Mexico.
The journey to the border was fraught with peril for many.
“I came here for a new start, a chance,” said microbiologist Marcus Brown, whose odyssey began in Westchester, New York. He abandoned his 2013 Corvette on a dusty side street in El Paso, TX to wade across the Rio Grande. “I had to endure poor restaurant food, marginal hotels and surly gas station attendants. It was hell.
“But I want to live free and have opportunities that the United States doesn’t offer.”
Juarez Mayor Jose Reyes Ferriz said that his country’s main concern is jobs.
“These undocumented gringos take the traditionally low paying jobs here, jobs that our youth would normally fill,” said Ferriz. “Doctors, lawyers, astrophysicists, upper level management; those menial jobs that our kids used to do in the summer.”
President Nieto said he was prepared to get tough to staunch the flow.
“We in this country have a reputation for being mean drunks and needlessly cruel,” said Nieto. “It’s a well-earned reputation. You come to this country in your Tommy Bahamas and Sperry Topsiders and you’ll find that out.”
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Monday, July 21, 2014
Near Tragedy Changes Lives
TACOMA, WA (AIP) – Childhood friends Dwight Moore and Kyle McQuade have seen been through some tough times together, but what happened to them Friday has changed both men’s live forever.
“We stopped at the Twisted Soul for happy hour, like we’ve done for years,” said Moore. “We were sitting at the bar in our usual places. That’s when the nightmare started.”
McQuade said that both men had just ordered their second beers from bartender AnnMarie.
“I saw the woman first, standing at the juke box with her back toward us,” said McQuade. “She had on an incredibly short dress, fantastic ass and long tan legs and high heels. She was bent slightly at the waist toward the juke box. I nudged Dwight and he saw her immediately.”
“I said something like ‘wow’”, said Moore. “She finished picking songs, Maroon 5 I believe, and then she turned around.”
“It was fucking hideous,” said McQuade. “I have never seen such an ugly face on another living being.”
“Easily the most heinous creature I’ve ever witnessed,” said Moore, a two-tour Iraqi Marine Corps veteran, who broke down in tears several times during this interview. “She walked by us going back to her table and smiled at me. I was torn between the desire to cower under my barstool, or conversely to bludgeon her to death.”
“I guess it’s true,” said McQuade, an assistant medical examiner with the Pierce County Coroner’s office. “You really can’t judge a book by its ass. Her face was like something out of a Joseph Vargo gothic print about people in hell.”
Since the incident both men have stopped drinking.
“A few more that day and I might have walked over to the juke box and tried to strike up a conversation with her,” said Moore. “I thank God that I was sober when I first saw her backside.”
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“We stopped at the Twisted Soul for happy hour, like we’ve done for years,” said Moore. “We were sitting at the bar in our usual places. That’s when the nightmare started.”
McQuade said that both men had just ordered their second beers from bartender AnnMarie.
“I saw the woman first, standing at the juke box with her back toward us,” said McQuade. “She had on an incredibly short dress, fantastic ass and long tan legs and high heels. She was bent slightly at the waist toward the juke box. I nudged Dwight and he saw her immediately.”
“I said something like ‘wow’”, said Moore. “She finished picking songs, Maroon 5 I believe, and then she turned around.”
“It was fucking hideous,” said McQuade. “I have never seen such an ugly face on another living being.”
“Easily the most heinous creature I’ve ever witnessed,” said Moore, a two-tour Iraqi Marine Corps veteran, who broke down in tears several times during this interview. “She walked by us going back to her table and smiled at me. I was torn between the desire to cower under my barstool, or conversely to bludgeon her to death.”
“I guess it’s true,” said McQuade, an assistant medical examiner with the Pierce County Coroner’s office. “You really can’t judge a book by its ass. Her face was like something out of a Joseph Vargo gothic print about people in hell.”
Since the incident both men have stopped drinking.
“A few more that day and I might have walked over to the juke box and tried to strike up a conversation with her,” said Moore. “I thank God that I was sober when I first saw her backside.”
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Boehner Rips Obama
WASHINGTON (AIP) – Speaker of the United States House of Representatives John Boehner today blasted President Barak Obama for “yet another attempt to misdirect the American People about the causes of the myriad problems and policy failures that have occurred on his watch”.
“In this latest speech by the President he once again attempts to hang his current failures on President Bush,” said Boehner.
Boehner was referring to the speech that President Barak Obama gave on Wednesday at a fund raiser hosted by the AFL-CIO in Chicago where he claimed that Malia and Sasha Obama are not his children.
“Those two girls are the products of George W. Bush, pure and simple,” Obama told supporters. “He inseminated Michelle twice without her knowledge when I was away playing golf. Imagine how stunned I was not once but twice when she was suddenly pregnant with his babies.”
Bush family spokesman Martin Freely was quick to answer the charges.
“You know, President Obama has tried to pin every one of his failures – failures of leadership, of policy, of action – on a man who hasn’t held office for nearly six years,” said Freely. “But this one he got right. President Bush assures me that he is indeed the biological father of both Malia and Sasha and wants me to tell Michelle that he’s got two pair of her panties if she wants them back.”
“In this latest speech by the President he once again attempts to hang his current failures on President Bush,” said Boehner.
Boehner was referring to the speech that President Barak Obama gave on Wednesday at a fund raiser hosted by the AFL-CIO in Chicago where he claimed that Malia and Sasha Obama are not his children.
“Those two girls are the products of George W. Bush, pure and simple,” Obama told supporters. “He inseminated Michelle twice without her knowledge when I was away playing golf. Imagine how stunned I was not once but twice when she was suddenly pregnant with his babies.”
Bush family spokesman Martin Freely was quick to answer the charges.
“You know, President Obama has tried to pin every one of his failures – failures of leadership, of policy, of action – on a man who hasn’t held office for nearly six years,” said Freely. “But this one he got right. President Bush assures me that he is indeed the biological father of both Malia and Sasha and wants me to tell Michelle that he’s got two pair of her panties if she wants them back.”
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