BRANSON, MO (AIP) – Vice President Joseph Biden today lashed out at the growing strength of ISIS throughout the embattled Middle East and warning them at the United State is quickly losing patience with the violence and terror they are spreading.
“My God, what kind of name is ISIS?” said Biden, speaking to the crowd at the Moon River Theatre before the Three Redneck Tenors took the stage for their evening show. “I mean, they named their army after a 1970’s TV show? If I was in charge I would have named them something tougher like ‘The Jihad Tigers’ or ‘The Killers for Muhammed’.”
The Isis television show starred JoAnna Cameron and Brian Cutler and ran from 1975 to 1976 on CBS.
“It’s a little know fact that, after 9/11, I made a trip to the Butner Federal Correctional Complex and had a face to face with that Omar Abdel Rahman, the guy that masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, “said Biden. “I walked in and said ‘Hey Cleric, look me in the eye and tell me you want to kill me just because I’m Protestant’. Well, he couldn’t look me in the eye, the pussy.”
Later in his show Biden produced a Ventriloquist puppet ‘Hillary’ and in a twist, the dummy made Biden speak.
“Hey Joe,” said Hillary at a high point in the show. “Since you can’t call a spade a spade anymore because it isn’t PC, what do you grab from the backyard tool shed?”
“A democrat?” answered Biden.
The “An Evening with Joe” show opens for the Three Redneck Tenors at the Moon River Theatre at 2500 W 76 Country Blvd for the next three weeks.
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Friday, August 22, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Right Now
Helicopter blades
Beat the air as it moved overhead
East to west and
Interrupted the silence
Before the sun came up and illuminated the ugliness around me
That street light moon light star light had soften
As I smoked and contemplated what goes on in your head
watching Venus
Raising in the eastern sky
Beat the air as it moved overhead
East to west and
Interrupted the silence
Before the sun came up and illuminated the ugliness around me
That street light moon light star light had soften
As I smoked and contemplated what goes on in your head
watching Venus
Raising in the eastern sky
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
White House Spokesman Announces Progress
WASHINGTON (AIP) – White House spokesman Eric Schultz, in his weekly press briefing on Wednesday assured the American people that the President has the situation “well in hand” and was nearing his goal of fulfilling the promise he made to the nation during his first State of the Union Address nearly six years ago.
“I am pleased to announce that the President is very near completing the promise he made,” said Schultz. “The President shot a 73 yesterday and should qualify as a scratch golfer by the end of his second term.
“His short game has come a long way and he has damn near perfected his draw. Frankly his sand saves have really improved and he’s putting the eyes out of it.”
Reporters later questioned Schultz about the situation in the Ukraine, the threat of the Middle Eastern Caliphate to long term US interests, the stagnate economy and China’s emergence as an Asian power.
“Did you people fucking hear me?” said Schultz. “He’s damn near a scratch golfer. He drilled a 37 foot winding putt yesterday and knocked it stiff from 240 yards on the 8th.”
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“I am pleased to announce that the President is very near completing the promise he made,” said Schultz. “The President shot a 73 yesterday and should qualify as a scratch golfer by the end of his second term.
“His short game has come a long way and he has damn near perfected his draw. Frankly his sand saves have really improved and he’s putting the eyes out of it.”
Reporters later questioned Schultz about the situation in the Ukraine, the threat of the Middle Eastern Caliphate to long term US interests, the stagnate economy and China’s emergence as an Asian power.
“Did you people fucking hear me?” said Schultz. “He’s damn near a scratch golfer. He drilled a 37 foot winding putt yesterday and knocked it stiff from 240 yards on the 8th.”
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Thursday, August 14, 2014
Sterling Buys New Team
LOS ANGELES (AIP) – Donald Sterling, forced to sell the Los Angeles Clippers basketball team by the National Basketball Association (NBA), announced today that he had inked a deal with Herschend Family Entertainment to purchase the Harlem Globetrotters and its sister exhibition squad the Washington Generals.
“Basketball is in my blood,” said Sterling. “Those people in the NBA can force me out, but I’m staying in the game.”
Mark Shapiro, spokesman for Sterling, said that the new owner plans to keep alive the tradition of the Globetrotters, but make a few changes to bring the concept into the 21st century.
“Well, we plan to move the team to Edgefield, South Carolina, to honor the memory of Senator Strom Thrumond, “said Shapiro. “And we’re going to alter the name to the Edgefield Globetrotters. And, of course, we plan to make the all white Generals the perennial victors over the African-American ‘Trotters, in order to follow Mr. Sterling’s business model.”
Famous Globetrotter alumni Meadowlark Lemon refused comment on the deal; however alumni teammate Fred “Curly” Neal did briefly go on the record.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” said Neal.
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“Basketball is in my blood,” said Sterling. “Those people in the NBA can force me out, but I’m staying in the game.”
Mark Shapiro, spokesman for Sterling, said that the new owner plans to keep alive the tradition of the Globetrotters, but make a few changes to bring the concept into the 21st century.
“Well, we plan to move the team to Edgefield, South Carolina, to honor the memory of Senator Strom Thrumond, “said Shapiro. “And we’re going to alter the name to the Edgefield Globetrotters. And, of course, we plan to make the all white Generals the perennial victors over the African-American ‘Trotters, in order to follow Mr. Sterling’s business model.”
Famous Globetrotter alumni Meadowlark Lemon refused comment on the deal; however alumni teammate Fred “Curly” Neal did briefly go on the record.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” said Neal.
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Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Texas Stages Another Botched Execution
BROWNSVILLE, TX (AIP) – Notorious sexual predator and convicted killer Charlie Brown was put to death Wednesday night by lethal injection in what witnesses and prison officials was another example of a botched execution because of a problem with the chemical cocktail used to carry out the death sentence.
“He took over 45 minutes to die,” said prison Warden Bobby Bill McLean. “He spent three quarters of an hour strapped to the table screaming ‘good grief, good grief” over and over before finally succumbing. Frankly, we had hoped that it would take longer.”
Brown, who gained fame as a young cartoon character by displaying his unfocused angst coupled with a disturbing lack of motor skills and athletic ability, was convicted in the 1987 slaying of the Little Red-Haired Girl.
District Attorney Michael Brumfield, who prosecuted Brown for the murder, was a witness at the execution.
“Considering what he did to that little girl, I could have watched him writhe on that table for another couple hours,” said Brumfield. “He’s one sick son of a bitch and deserved everything he got.”
In Brown’s 1989 trial, Brumfield alleged that Brown lured the Little Red-Haired Girl from the school playground by asking her to help him find his lost puppy. He then abducted her, spent four days sexually assaulting her and finally killed her by beating her to death with a football kickoff tee. He then dumped her body in nearby Bloom County.
“I was appalled that he said that I was lost and used me to lure that little girl,” said Snoopy, Brown’s former pet beagle. “On the day in question I had smoked a bowl and was laying on top of my dog house digging the clouds and listening to Bob Marley. I was far from lost.
“Brown was one sick fuck. I just wish the execution had taken a lot longer than it did.”
Brown’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Brown also witnessed the execution and held a short press conference at its conclusion.
“Wawa wawa wawa Wa,” said Mrs. Brown to reporter, wiping tears from her eyes.
Warden Mclean said rumors that witnesses to the execution were calling for pop corn and sodas during the 45-minute ordeal were inaccurate.
“Didn’t happen,” said Mclean.
Death penalty opponents who normally stage protests and sit-ins during Texas executions were strangely absent during the proceedings.
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“He took over 45 minutes to die,” said prison Warden Bobby Bill McLean. “He spent three quarters of an hour strapped to the table screaming ‘good grief, good grief” over and over before finally succumbing. Frankly, we had hoped that it would take longer.”
Brown, who gained fame as a young cartoon character by displaying his unfocused angst coupled with a disturbing lack of motor skills and athletic ability, was convicted in the 1987 slaying of the Little Red-Haired Girl.
District Attorney Michael Brumfield, who prosecuted Brown for the murder, was a witness at the execution.
“Considering what he did to that little girl, I could have watched him writhe on that table for another couple hours,” said Brumfield. “He’s one sick son of a bitch and deserved everything he got.”
In Brown’s 1989 trial, Brumfield alleged that Brown lured the Little Red-Haired Girl from the school playground by asking her to help him find his lost puppy. He then abducted her, spent four days sexually assaulting her and finally killed her by beating her to death with a football kickoff tee. He then dumped her body in nearby Bloom County.
“I was appalled that he said that I was lost and used me to lure that little girl,” said Snoopy, Brown’s former pet beagle. “On the day in question I had smoked a bowl and was laying on top of my dog house digging the clouds and listening to Bob Marley. I was far from lost.
“Brown was one sick fuck. I just wish the execution had taken a lot longer than it did.”
Brown’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Brown also witnessed the execution and held a short press conference at its conclusion.
“Wawa wawa wawa Wa,” said Mrs. Brown to reporter, wiping tears from her eyes.
Warden Mclean said rumors that witnesses to the execution were calling for pop corn and sodas during the 45-minute ordeal were inaccurate.
“Didn’t happen,” said Mclean.
Death penalty opponents who normally stage protests and sit-ins during Texas executions were strangely absent during the proceedings.
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
ABC Announces New Fall Lineup
NEW YORK (AIP) – ABC announced its new fall lineup for prime time television on Thursday, including some old favorites and the long await raucous new situational comedy Oops, They Know starring David Spade, Jack Gleeson and Alison Brie based on the novel Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank.
“It’s funny as hell,” said ABC vice president Martin Van Shine. “It’s kind of a cross between Friends and Seinfeld. There’s a lot of hilarious banter between the actors coupled with the constant existential threat of discovery by the Gestapo which makes the show edgy and fun.”
The series is set in the hidden attic apartment over a factory where the Franks, along with the van Daans hide out from detection by the Nazis. Brie plays young Anne Frank, with Spade as Otto Frank and Gleeson as Anne’s love interest Peter van Daan.
“The first time I read the book I thought it would make a very funny comedy,” said writer/producer Max Vaughn. “I’ve attempted to fill it with plenty of ribald humor and zany situations. It’s a lot like an updated Gilligan's Island; a group of people trapped someplace getting into all kinds of funny situations. Of course, nobody was trying to destroy Gilligan and the others, except in the one episode with the headhunters."
“We’re constantly laughing on the set,” said Brie, who’s simmering sexuality and wacky, profane comeback lines make the show shine. “It’s a little adult and over the edge, but we’ve tried to keep it basically true to the original story.”
A rumor has circulated through industry channels that Vaughn has talked Vice President Joe Biden into a guest appearance in the show’s first episode as SS-Oberfuhrer Gustavo Minax, whose makes several bumbling attempts to find the secret passage to the Frank’s hidden rooms.
“You wouldn’t want me to ruin the surprise, would you?” said Vaughn. “You’ll just have to watch the show to find out.”
Oops, They Know airs Tuesdays at 9:00 p.m. on ABC.
“It’s funny as hell,” said ABC vice president Martin Van Shine. “It’s kind of a cross between Friends and Seinfeld. There’s a lot of hilarious banter between the actors coupled with the constant existential threat of discovery by the Gestapo which makes the show edgy and fun.”
The series is set in the hidden attic apartment over a factory where the Franks, along with the van Daans hide out from detection by the Nazis. Brie plays young Anne Frank, with Spade as Otto Frank and Gleeson as Anne’s love interest Peter van Daan.
“The first time I read the book I thought it would make a very funny comedy,” said writer/producer Max Vaughn. “I’ve attempted to fill it with plenty of ribald humor and zany situations. It’s a lot like an updated Gilligan's Island; a group of people trapped someplace getting into all kinds of funny situations. Of course, nobody was trying to destroy Gilligan and the others, except in the one episode with the headhunters."
“We’re constantly laughing on the set,” said Brie, who’s simmering sexuality and wacky, profane comeback lines make the show shine. “It’s a little adult and over the edge, but we’ve tried to keep it basically true to the original story.”
A rumor has circulated through industry channels that Vaughn has talked Vice President Joe Biden into a guest appearance in the show’s first episode as SS-Oberfuhrer Gustavo Minax, whose makes several bumbling attempts to find the secret passage to the Frank’s hidden rooms.
“You wouldn’t want me to ruin the surprise, would you?” said Vaughn. “You’ll just have to watch the show to find out.”
Oops, They Know airs Tuesdays at 9:00 p.m. on ABC.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Lawrence Scores Opening Round Victory
SAN FERNANDO, CA (AIP) – In what surely must be the least surprising result of an athletic contest in recent memory black belt Johnny Lawrence handed Daniel LaRusso his ass in the first round of the All Valley Karate Championships Saturday, knocking LaRusso out within 27 seconds and causing injuries that sent the unconscious LaRusso to the hospital.
“It was a fucking thing of beauty,” said Cobra Kai Dojo Sensi John Kreese, whose vicious karate style has become popular among local gangs. “Even before I told Johnny to sweep LaRusso’s legs he was doing it. From what I’ve been told by medical personnel he’ll probably never walk straight again.”
LaRusso, who had spent the previous three month in servile apprenticeship to apartment handyman Kesuke Miyagi in order to learn his style of karate never had a chance in the fight.
“LaRusso was pretty much fucked from the get go,” said Kreese. “He came out and stood on one leg with his arms out, absolutely opening himself up to an attack and Johnny simply destroyed him.”
Miyagi’s controversial karate style and perchance for young boys has come under pretty harsh scrutiny from tournament officials.
“We’ve checked and the county has no business license for a ‘Miyagi Dojo’”, said Frank Forrester, Tournament director. “Furthermore, apparently this Miyagi fellow is under federal indictment for violation of the the Stolen Valor Act. We’re also showing arrests from Florida for lewd and lascivious molestations. Aside from all that he damn near got the LaRusso boy killed.”
“Danielson not too bright,” said Miyagi. “I had idiot boy painting my fence, washing my cars and sanding my floors. When I told him ‘show me suck my cock’ he simply complied, assuming that it was some mystical form of karate training.
“One Saturday I took him to the beach and made him stand on a piling out in the water and jump up and down. It was the funniest damn thing to watch. He looked like a fool. I saw his injuries. That boy will probably never walk straight again.”
LaRusso’s mother Lucille said that Daniel is withdrawing from Valley High School and plans to finish his education at the Reseda Technical/Vocational College, studying hairstyling.
“It was a fucking thing of beauty,” said Cobra Kai Dojo Sensi John Kreese, whose vicious karate style has become popular among local gangs. “Even before I told Johnny to sweep LaRusso’s legs he was doing it. From what I’ve been told by medical personnel he’ll probably never walk straight again.”
LaRusso, who had spent the previous three month in servile apprenticeship to apartment handyman Kesuke Miyagi in order to learn his style of karate never had a chance in the fight.
“LaRusso was pretty much fucked from the get go,” said Kreese. “He came out and stood on one leg with his arms out, absolutely opening himself up to an attack and Johnny simply destroyed him.”
Miyagi’s controversial karate style and perchance for young boys has come under pretty harsh scrutiny from tournament officials.
“We’ve checked and the county has no business license for a ‘Miyagi Dojo’”, said Frank Forrester, Tournament director. “Furthermore, apparently this Miyagi fellow is under federal indictment for violation of the the Stolen Valor Act. We’re also showing arrests from Florida for lewd and lascivious molestations. Aside from all that he damn near got the LaRusso boy killed.”
“Danielson not too bright,” said Miyagi. “I had idiot boy painting my fence, washing my cars and sanding my floors. When I told him ‘show me suck my cock’ he simply complied, assuming that it was some mystical form of karate training.
“One Saturday I took him to the beach and made him stand on a piling out in the water and jump up and down. It was the funniest damn thing to watch. He looked like a fool. I saw his injuries. That boy will probably never walk straight again.”
LaRusso’s mother Lucille said that Daniel is withdrawing from Valley High School and plans to finish his education at the Reseda Technical/Vocational College, studying hairstyling.
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