Saturday, September 6, 2014
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Administration Announces Anti-ISIS Measures
WASHINGTON (AIP) – Vowing to make good on Vice President Joseph Biden’s promise to “send them to hell”, on Thursday the United States Department of Veterans Affairs offered to provide the same quality medical care that United State military veterans receive to all soldiers injured fighting for the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS).
“This should effectively destroy ISIS as a fighting force in almost no time,” said Veterans Affairs spokesman Les Goldman. “The initial treatment wait time alone should kill off most of the more severely wounded and once we take the others in for treatment the problem will be solved, if you know what I mean.”
The move is just one of the economic measures the Obama Administration is considering in the war against ISIS. The Administration is also contemplating taking away the Lifeline Assistance and Lifeline Linkup phones – widely known as the Obama Phones – which the government has provided to ISIS fighters who qualify because of low income.
“Most of the tweets and YouTube uploads depicting scenes of massacre and destruction from the war zone have come via these phones,” said administration spokesman Josh Earnest. “Take away the free phones and problem solved.”
Earnest said that the administration is also considering making ISIS fighters ineligible for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), Pell educational grants and the U.S. Housing and Urban Development rental assistance program.
“These economic sanctions, while harsh, should have ISIS crying ‘uncle’ in almost no time,” said Earnest.
“This should effectively destroy ISIS as a fighting force in almost no time,” said Veterans Affairs spokesman Les Goldman. “The initial treatment wait time alone should kill off most of the more severely wounded and once we take the others in for treatment the problem will be solved, if you know what I mean.”
The move is just one of the economic measures the Obama Administration is considering in the war against ISIS. The Administration is also contemplating taking away the Lifeline Assistance and Lifeline Linkup phones – widely known as the Obama Phones – which the government has provided to ISIS fighters who qualify because of low income.
“Most of the tweets and YouTube uploads depicting scenes of massacre and destruction from the war zone have come via these phones,” said administration spokesman Josh Earnest. “Take away the free phones and problem solved.”
Earnest said that the administration is also considering making ISIS fighters ineligible for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), Pell educational grants and the U.S. Housing and Urban Development rental assistance program.
“These economic sanctions, while harsh, should have ISIS crying ‘uncle’ in almost no time,” said Earnest.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Obama Announces A Shakeup In Government
SAN CLEMENTE, CA (AIP) – President Barack Obama today announced that the White House, home to presidents since 1800, would no longer be his official residence and that he would be moving into the exclusive Talega Golf Club, located in Orange County.
“The President has been under a great deal of stress and needs to relax,” said Obama, speaking to reporters while lagging putts on the practice green beside the first tee box. “I can’t think of a better place for the President to kick back and get centered than on this beautiful par 72 Freddie Couples designed course.”
The President said that any mail for him can be sent care of the Talega Golf Club and phone calls requiring his attention can be made to Jimmie, master bartender in the club’s Signature Grille Restaurant, whom he will check with frequently for messages.
“The President is firm in his decision,” said former White House and now Talega Golf Club spokesman Josh Earnest. “He feels that the living in the White House doesn’t allow him to understand how the common folk live and play. By taking up residence at the exclusive Talega Club he will be able to rub elbows with ordinary men and women.”
The President, while playing a high stakes poker game with club members in the men’s locker room after a grueling 18 holes of grinding sand saves and snaking putts, said that the change was necessary in order for him to accomplish his goals as president.
“When I’m in Washington all I hear are questions about ISIL, or the Ukraine, or Ferguson,” said an obviously irritated Obama. “Here we can shoot the shit, have a couple drinks and just kick back. And the club's hyper-restrictive membership requirements will go a long way toward protecting me from the riff raff that I’m had to stomach for the last six years.”
“The President has been under a great deal of stress and needs to relax,” said Obama, speaking to reporters while lagging putts on the practice green beside the first tee box. “I can’t think of a better place for the President to kick back and get centered than on this beautiful par 72 Freddie Couples designed course.”
The President said that any mail for him can be sent care of the Talega Golf Club and phone calls requiring his attention can be made to Jimmie, master bartender in the club’s Signature Grille Restaurant, whom he will check with frequently for messages.
“The President is firm in his decision,” said former White House and now Talega Golf Club spokesman Josh Earnest. “He feels that the living in the White House doesn’t allow him to understand how the common folk live and play. By taking up residence at the exclusive Talega Club he will be able to rub elbows with ordinary men and women.”
The President, while playing a high stakes poker game with club members in the men’s locker room after a grueling 18 holes of grinding sand saves and snaking putts, said that the change was necessary in order for him to accomplish his goals as president.
“When I’m in Washington all I hear are questions about ISIL, or the Ukraine, or Ferguson,” said an obviously irritated Obama. “Here we can shoot the shit, have a couple drinks and just kick back. And the club's hyper-restrictive membership requirements will go a long way toward protecting me from the riff raff that I’m had to stomach for the last six years.”
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Local Girl Strikes Out
WEBER CITY, VA (AIP)- In what experts are calling the upset of the decade, Cathy Ann MacArthur was unable to find an inebriated local male to have sexual intercourse with at the J&K State Line Bar and Grill Friday night, despite her surgically augmented breasts, low cut neck line and obvious intentions.
“I was putting it out there,” said MacArthur, contacted at her mother’s home Saturday afternoon. “I would have fucked about anything that walked last night. I mean, I just didn’t care. I was bending over low when spoken to and spread my legs pretty wide when I got up to go piss so the boys could see I wasn’t wearing underwear but nothing was effective.”
Local auto mechanic and known slut hound Mickey Slaughters, who is usually ‘on it’ as the residents of the small town of Weber City say, was at the bar that evening and would normally have ‘hit it’ as local residents also often say, but didn’t.
“Yeah, she’s got the rack and some buddies have told me that she can suck-start a Boeing 787 Dreamliner,” said Slaughters, making jerky from a deer he poached out of season just outside the city limits. “Friday night I saw her at the bar and thought I might hit it, but I was really in the mood to discuss the poetry of Allen Ginsberg, the film career of Joseph Cotton or the artistic endeavors of van Gogh when he suffered hallucinations induced by absinthe, you know, the ‘high yellow’ paintings. I didn’t just want a bang and bye.”
Bartender Stacey McMartin, serving that night and the J&K was amazed.
"She was really slutting it up and frankly that was about the lowest cut top I've seen on a heavily chested woman," said McMartin. "She kept playing those CeeLo Green songs on the jukebox but no one was hitting on her. It was odd, because they say she can suck-start a Boeing.
"After about 9 p.m. her nipples looked like Titlieist Pro v1's and she clearly wasn't wearing panties. But the boys were at the other end of the bar arguing about the lyrics from the HMS Pinafore> and paid her no mind."
Despite the setback MacArthur said she would attempt meaningless and potentially dangerous unprotected sex with strangers again next Friday evening.
“I’ll pretty much do whatever they want,” said MacArthur. “Anal, oral, jerking them off with my feet; whatever they want. I got these pretty expensive tits and somebody is going to suck these nipples.”
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“I was putting it out there,” said MacArthur, contacted at her mother’s home Saturday afternoon. “I would have fucked about anything that walked last night. I mean, I just didn’t care. I was bending over low when spoken to and spread my legs pretty wide when I got up to go piss so the boys could see I wasn’t wearing underwear but nothing was effective.”
Local auto mechanic and known slut hound Mickey Slaughters, who is usually ‘on it’ as the residents of the small town of Weber City say, was at the bar that evening and would normally have ‘hit it’ as local residents also often say, but didn’t.
“Yeah, she’s got the rack and some buddies have told me that she can suck-start a Boeing 787 Dreamliner,” said Slaughters, making jerky from a deer he poached out of season just outside the city limits. “Friday night I saw her at the bar and thought I might hit it, but I was really in the mood to discuss the poetry of Allen Ginsberg, the film career of Joseph Cotton or the artistic endeavors of van Gogh when he suffered hallucinations induced by absinthe, you know, the ‘high yellow’ paintings. I didn’t just want a bang and bye.”
Bartender Stacey McMartin, serving that night and the J&K was amazed.
"She was really slutting it up and frankly that was about the lowest cut top I've seen on a heavily chested woman," said McMartin. "She kept playing those CeeLo Green songs on the jukebox but no one was hitting on her. It was odd, because they say she can suck-start a Boeing.
"After about 9 p.m. her nipples looked like Titlieist Pro v1's and she clearly wasn't wearing panties. But the boys were at the other end of the bar arguing about the lyrics from the HMS Pinafore> and paid her no mind."
Despite the setback MacArthur said she would attempt meaningless and potentially dangerous unprotected sex with strangers again next Friday evening.
“I’ll pretty much do whatever they want,” said MacArthur. “Anal, oral, jerking them off with my feet; whatever they want. I got these pretty expensive tits and somebody is going to suck these nipples.”
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Sunday, August 31, 2014
California Passes New Medical Drug Law
SACRAMENTO, CA (AIP)- Bowing to a strong grassroots movement of feminist sexually repressed women, California became the first state to pass a medical roofie bill, making the notorious date rape drug legal.
The new law, signed by Governor Jerry Brown on Thursday, was backed by the Coalition of Sexually Repressed Women.
"Thank god, I can finally have illicit sex with complete strangers without the emotional train wreck that used to come afterwards," said state represntative Martha Coakley (D-San Francisco) a strong proponent of the new law. "Last night I did two guys at the same time, both complete strangers, and to I have no regrets or remorse thanks to roofies."
Republican represntative Marc Johnston, normally conservative, went along with the ground swell movement.
"I think its a really good thing," said Johnston. "I dump one of these now lawful pills in a really hot girl's rum and coke at the bar and an hour later I'm ass-fucking her in the front seat of my car. I finish and go and she doesn't feel like a cheap slut the next day. It's win-win."
The new law, signed by Governor Jerry Brown on Thursday, was backed by the Coalition of Sexually Repressed Women.
"Thank god, I can finally have illicit sex with complete strangers without the emotional train wreck that used to come afterwards," said state represntative Martha Coakley (D-San Francisco) a strong proponent of the new law. "Last night I did two guys at the same time, both complete strangers, and to I have no regrets or remorse thanks to roofies."
Republican represntative Marc Johnston, normally conservative, went along with the ground swell movement.
"I think its a really good thing," said Johnston. "I dump one of these now lawful pills in a really hot girl's rum and coke at the bar and an hour later I'm ass-fucking her in the front seat of my car. I finish and go and she doesn't feel like a cheap slut the next day. It's win-win."
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Bucket Challenge Craze Comes To Orlando
ORLANDO (AIP) – The Buddhist Monk Challenge, a national crazy that has raised millions for charity, has found its way to Orlando’s Conway Elementary School, where principal Harold Fuchs filmed himself challenging all other Orange County Elementary principals to ‘do this or donate’ then dumped an ice bucket of aviation fuel over his head and flicked a Bic lighter.
“It was way cool,” said third grader Mary Ann Kotchman. “I think it’s great that Mr. Harold would writhe like that for charity.”
“His screams were awesome,” said a laughing Conner Martin, fourth grade class president. “I still can’t believe a human can actually scream that loud. I hope all the other principals do it too.”
Nationwide the craze has raised over $14 million for charity. Milton Freemanson, whose company Flashpoint Productions helps local organizations stage Buddhist Monk Challenges around the country, explained the concept.
“Buddhist monks in Vietnam during the war first came up with the idea,” said Freemanson. “Local celebrities, television personalities, firefighters, police chiefs, just about anyone can do it. All it takes is a bucket of high octane aviation fuel, reliable lighter and steel nerves.
“We film participants as they make the verbal challenge for others to either do it themselves or donate at least 28 percent of their yearly salary to charity. We’ve raised huge amounts of money.”
So far nationwide over 400 challenge takers have perished, while at least 27 remain in burn units at various hospitals around the country, mostly with extremely poor chances for survival.
“It’s a lot of fun,” said Freemanson. “The kids love to watch. Almost everyone thinks it’s a wonderful idea.”
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“It was way cool,” said third grader Mary Ann Kotchman. “I think it’s great that Mr. Harold would writhe like that for charity.”
“His screams were awesome,” said a laughing Conner Martin, fourth grade class president. “I still can’t believe a human can actually scream that loud. I hope all the other principals do it too.”
Nationwide the craze has raised over $14 million for charity. Milton Freemanson, whose company Flashpoint Productions helps local organizations stage Buddhist Monk Challenges around the country, explained the concept.
“Buddhist monks in Vietnam during the war first came up with the idea,” said Freemanson. “Local celebrities, television personalities, firefighters, police chiefs, just about anyone can do it. All it takes is a bucket of high octane aviation fuel, reliable lighter and steel nerves.
“We film participants as they make the verbal challenge for others to either do it themselves or donate at least 28 percent of their yearly salary to charity. We’ve raised huge amounts of money.”
So far nationwide over 400 challenge takers have perished, while at least 27 remain in burn units at various hospitals around the country, mostly with extremely poor chances for survival.
“It’s a lot of fun,” said Freemanson. “The kids love to watch. Almost everyone thinks it’s a wonderful idea.”
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Monday, August 25, 2014
New Poll Suggests Young Voters Happy
NEW YORK (AIP) – The latest Pew Research polling indicates that the majority of Americans under age 40, some 87 percent of those responding, are very happy to be governed by a hubris filled ruling elite who have undergone Botox or testosterones injections and speak to the electorate in the condescending way normally reserved for a stupid child.
“I much prefer to be governed by a group of semi-conscious elderly folks,” said young Republican voter Mindy Peppershank. “They know what’s best for us.
“For example, Nancy Pelosi’s comment that ‘we have to pass the bill to know what’s in it’ is really something people of my generation understand. It’s insightful and brilliant in its logic. I never would have known if I should be for or against Obama Care without her pointing the way.”
The vast majority of young voters feel the same way according to the Pew poll.
“I sometimes get angry with the things the government does, but then I remember that these elderly men and women are actually better and brighter than most of us,” said Steve Quarles, a 36-year old airline pilot and registered Democrat. “They know what’s best for each of us and force us to do it, regardless of our personal preferences or desires. It’s really a lot of responsibility taken off our shoulders and thrust onto theirs.”
Pew research indicates that a slightly small majority of young Americans, 82 percent, love to be condescended to by those in office.
“I love being talked down to,” said Kwami Sportu, a nuclear engineer and registered independent voter. “There’s no better for our elected officials to show us the utter contempt they hold us in than for them to speak to and treat us as imbeciles.”
“I much prefer to be governed by a group of semi-conscious elderly folks,” said young Republican voter Mindy Peppershank. “They know what’s best for us.
“For example, Nancy Pelosi’s comment that ‘we have to pass the bill to know what’s in it’ is really something people of my generation understand. It’s insightful and brilliant in its logic. I never would have known if I should be for or against Obama Care without her pointing the way.”
The vast majority of young voters feel the same way according to the Pew poll.
“I sometimes get angry with the things the government does, but then I remember that these elderly men and women are actually better and brighter than most of us,” said Steve Quarles, a 36-year old airline pilot and registered Democrat. “They know what’s best for each of us and force us to do it, regardless of our personal preferences or desires. It’s really a lot of responsibility taken off our shoulders and thrust onto theirs.”
Pew research indicates that a slightly small majority of young Americans, 82 percent, love to be condescended to by those in office.
“I love being talked down to,” said Kwami Sportu, a nuclear engineer and registered independent voter. “There’s no better for our elected officials to show us the utter contempt they hold us in than for them to speak to and treat us as imbeciles.”
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