Pope Declares War

THE VATICAN (AIP) – Pope Francis, speaking to a record crowd assembled in St. Peter’s Square, today declared a holy crusade against Muslims everywhere, vowing to “destroy every one of those fucking rag heads we can locate”.

“For too long we have been a religion of peace,” said Francis, wearing a special camouflage vestment with a .44 Glock in a shoulder holster. “I, for one, am about damn tired of the car bombs, the child kidnappings, the crucifixions, planes ramming buildings, whining Palestinians and the fact that one can’t get a good scotch and soda anywhere east of Greece.”

Papal Nuncio to the United Nations Cardinal Karl Josef Vecchio, in a speech to the United Nations Security Council just hours after the Pope’s Vatican announcement detailed the Holy See’s offensive plans for a Middle Eastern offensive.

“The Holy Father has decided to put some red Prada’s on the ground near Tikrit,” said Vecchio. “The Holy Catholic Church has plans to deploy 17 divisions, including 3 heavy amour divisions, to that region to finally put the arm on these ISIS shits.

“As the Pope has stated, we plan to put our collective Allie Ackbars up their asses.”

Thomas T. Manson, spokesman for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, speaking from Salt Lake City, UT, vowed his support.

“The Catholic Church and us Latter-day Saints might disagree on dogma and ritual, but we’re both pretty sure God is a white guy who probably likes to see women in shorts and tight shirts,” said Manson. “We’ve committed 22 divisions of our boys in white shirts and ties, including 14 bicycle divisions, to this fight. We’re going to Richard the Lionheart those fucks.”