GREEN RIVER, UT (AIP) – Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the main person of interest in a series of prostitute murders in Utah and Colorado along the I-70 corridor dubbed the ‘Green River Murders’, has surged to the top of the national polls as the people’s choice for the next President of the United States.
“I guess the people of America are finally ready for a President Clinton who sits down when she pisses,” said Clinton to a cheering crowd at a campaign rally in Dallas on Sunday. “It’s time to turn the tables and have Bill washing the lip stick stains out of my panties for a change.”
Green River Sheriff’s Captain Michael Fukes said that his office is finally closing in on Clinton.
“We have Clinton on surveillance video from the local Wal-Mart buying duct tape and a filet knife with a State Department credit card one day before the ducted taped body of local prostitute Jennie Brown was found with her throat sliced open,” said Fukes. “The only thing we don’t have is DNA evidence.
“Clinton is clever, but every time she comes to town, another prostitute ends up in a dumpster.”
True Hillary supporters seem to care less that the potential President may well have a great deal of blood on her hands.
“Has Hillary killed 13 prostitutes in Utah and Colorado?” asked supporter Andrea Jacobs of Salt Lake City. “Maybe, but frankly she could debone an infant on national television and I’d still vote for her. She’s a strong woman, like me, and I think it’s time people stop being so sexist.”
Fukes said his office is close to making an arrest in her case.
“Our main concern is that we arrest her for the murders, she gets elected President and pardons herself,” said Fukes.
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