CHIEFLAND, FL (AIP) - Telling reporters that it's taken him a long time to come to grips with the breakup, Circle K assistant manager and local resident Andy Rawl said he is finally ready to talk about his former relationship with recording artist Fergie.
"A couple months after we broke up she came out with that damn song," said Rawl (Big Girls Don't Cry.
https://youtu.be/agrXgrAgQ0U )
"Right away I had people stopping me on the street going 'Hey, you're that prick that hurt Fergie. What an asshole Dude. You ought to kill yourself.'
"It hurt man. It really hurt."
Rawl told reporters that he's ready to leave that part of his past behind.
"Neither the song nor the video happen to mention how her damn mom was always hanging around, telling me that I wasn't good enough for her daughter," said Rawl, becoming visibly angry. "And those guys in the band would come over and hang out and drink my beer, never offering to refill the fridge.
"I mean those guys would take nasty shits in the bathroom and never even flush. Filthy bastards."
And he wasn't done revealing secrets.
"You know at the beginning of that video when she's counting down the beat and the keyboardist is showing her his fingers?" asked Rawl. "Well that wasn't 'art'. The bitch couldn't count without a visual aid."
Rawl said he has moved on with his life.
"I'm dating Angie over at the Huddle Hut Restaurant," said Rawl. "She's cool and she's not writing deeply revealing hack job, man-hating, lesbian inspired bubblegum pop about the best damn thing she ever had."
Rawl visibly wavered on the podium before continuing.
"Damn it guys, that bitch stole my 2016 'Stang. I'm still making payments on it," said Rawl. "And Fergie, don't 'take it personal 'cause it has nothing to do with you' but I'm getting my car back bitch.
"Oh yeah, I also fucked your best friend".
"Ya'll come back next week," Rawl told reporters, "and I'll tell you about my break up with that bitch Alanis Morissette."
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