Fed Concerned About Contraction

NEW YORK (AIP) – Janet Yellen, Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve Bank, today announced that the Fed expects the economy to contract by as much as 16 percent in the coming quarter due to the lack of ink used to print United State currency.

“We all know that ink is the lifeblood of the US economy,” said Yellen. “Without that ink there can be absolutely no illusion of growth in the financial system.  We’re about to see a meltdown of the economy.  Jobs will be lost. The middle class with suffer.”

Spokesman Gary Shinara at the Dallas branch of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing confirms Yellen’s statements about the lack of ink for bills of all denominations of currency.

“No ink.  Can’t get a drop,” said Shinara.

The critical lack of the distinctive green and other inks used to print the bills comes as a result of a workers strike which has halted production in the only plant worldwide that makes the ink, the VONG Chemical factory located in the Vietnamese village of Bien Hoa on the banks of the Dong Nai River near Ho Chi Minh City.

“We have been on strike for six months,” said worker representative Vo Chi Cong, contacted by phone.  “The 217 people who work in this factory have been responsible for whatever growth the US economy has shown since 2008 and yet we work for the equivalent of $2.87 a week.  That’s bullshit.”

As many as 16 committees and sub committees of both the US House of Representatives and Senate will be holding hearings in the coming weeks to explore the economically devastating lack of ink.

Senator Max Goldblum (D-Oregon) is sponsoring a bill to raise the minimum wage in Vietnam to get the factory workers back on the job.

“The ink must flow in order to keep up the economic sleight of hand,” said Goldblum.

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TSA Announces New Screening Procedure

WASHINGTON (AIP) – The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) held a press conference Friday to announce new screening procedure for air travelers, effective immediately, which the TSA said should speed up airport screening and offer much greater protections for flyers.

“The new procedure is called ‘Guess the Number I’m Thinking Of’”, said TSA deputy security Chief Carolyn Mathews-Green.  “The screener will inform the potential flier that the choice field is between the n

Possible Breakthrough In Team Nicknames

NEW YORK (AIP) – A group of university educators and administrators from across the country has put forward a revolutionary idea that might finally break the impasse between Indian tribes and sports teams that bare names Indians find offensive.

“We’ve got an idea that is nothing but upside for both sides of this debate,” said Harvard Professor Rickman Janovich.  “We did some research and found that there’s only one minority in this country that everyone uniformly hates – poor southern white men. They’ve got plenty of nicknames and nobody - I mean nobody - is going to come to their defense or sue on their behalf.

"A school or team owner could safely change a team
 nickname to the Peckerwoods and no one would be offended," said Janovich

“What a great idea,” said Danny Red Eagle, chief of the Cherokee Tribe of Tennessee.  “It’s about time that those southern fucks took it in the ass.”

“There are literally thousands of slurs for southern poor white men,” said Janovich. “We’ll never exhaust the list of possible names. Shit kicker, honkie, cracker, gomer, mudskipper, redneck.  I could go on all day.”

Reports indicate that Washington Redskins president Daniel Snyder is seriously considering changing his team’s name to the Washington Po’buckers.

(According to the Racial Slur Database Po’bucker is a “Corruption of West African "Buuker" meaning devil, boogie-man or white man. Poor white trash  were referred to as "Po'buckers"”.)

Several high schools across the country have already switched names.  John Kennedy High School in Detroit has switched its moniker from the Braves to the Shiftless, No Account Honkies and the Rosemount High School “Warriors” are now the Rosemount “Pigfuckers”.

Not all schools are on board with the new idea.  At Chiefland High School in Chiefland, FL, athletic director Stanley Malvern says his mascot won’t be changing any time soon.

“We are proud to have been and will always be proud to be the Chiefland Drunken Indians”, said Malvern.  “Fuck those liberal bastards.”

Attempts to contact an organization for poor, white, southern men for comment were unsuccessful as there are no such organizations.


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Last Private Refinery To Close

Bethesda, MD (AIP) -The last privately owned bullshit refinery in the nation is closing at the end of the month, a victim of new federal regulations which owners say are driving them out of business and costing hundreds of American jobs.

"The government is putting us out of business, like it has all the other bullshit refineries," said Franklin Friday, 3rd generation refinery owner. "The Feds have wanted a monopoly on bullshit production for 50 years and it looks like they’re finally getting it. The only bullshit available after the end of this month will come straight from the government.

“The EPA issued a whole new set of rules regulating the MAPE (maximum allowable pungency emissions) that we can’t possibly meet in the time frame mandated and then exempted themselves from those regulations.”

At the height of private production there were 27 bullshit refineries operating in the United States. Texas alone boasted four. Now they're all gone.

"The Fed has built an incredibly large bullshit refinery near D.C. and can produce more bullshit at a lower cost than we can," Said Friday. "They’re using tax dollars to subsidize bullshit production.”

Federal officials agree that the government will be the sole producer of bullshit in the future, but say they haven’t driven anyone out of business. They argue that it’s the poor quality of privately refined bullshit that has driven private firms out of business.

"The government can refine bullshit to a purity that the private sector can only dream about," said Malcolm Glades, deputy director of bullshit operations at the Washington-area plant. "Privately produced bullshit is only about 60 percent pure. It’s contaminated with a healthy amount of truth. Federal government bullshit is 99 percent pure bullshit, there's no truth in it."

Glades expects that the quantity of bullshit coming from the government will increase exponentially in the coming months.

"Our goal is to be at maximum production by November," said Glades.

Meanwhile Bullshit Detector sales are down 60 percent this year.

"It’s like people don’t even want to identify bullshit anymore", said Riley Scott, president of the Bullshit Detector Trade Association.

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Conspiracy Theorists Tout New Evidence

THE HAGUE – Conspiracy theorists who have long claimed that world events are actually controlled by an elite and mysterious few powerful men known as the “Illuminati” received a boost Friday when researchers at an abandon storage site here unearthed what purports to the Illuminati’s Daily Planner from 1968.

“Finally we’ve got some hard proof,” said lead conspiracy theorist Bartlett St. James, who flow to The Hague to examine the book. “We’ve known all along that the Rothschild’s and the Rockefellers control everything.  Now we’ve got some pretty strong proof that we aren’t the insane nut jobs that people have said we are.”

The daily planner, an innocuous- looking brown leather legal sized book was found in an old filing cabinet under empty file folders.  On the front inside leaf is clearly written “Illuminati Daily Planner, 1968.”  According to St. James the book, if authentic, holds some pretty explosive revelations.

“I turned to the June 5^th page and at the very top is ‘Have R. Kennedy shot in the kitchen’”, said St. James.  “The next day, June 6^th, was the day Robert Kennedy was gunned down in the kitchen of the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles. Coincidence? I think not.

“The January 21^st page contains the entry ‘have North Koreans capture American spy boat’.  Two days later, January 23, the North Korean navy boarded the USS Pueblo. January 27^th ‘have Viet Cong begin offensive’ and four days later they launched the Tet offensive.”

Aside from these major insights the planner also contains more humdrum entries.

July 12^th – “Send Kissinger out for donuts”.

November 1^st – “Have Nelson (presumably Rockefeller) vacuum office”.

“I’m sure that, as independent experts examine the planner in greater detail the general public will be astounded at the revelations,” said St. John.

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Teen Claims Men Don't Walk In Space

DULUTH, MN (API) – Ricky Kessler, an unemployed 17-year old high school dropout from East Bethel, MN, has filed a lawsuit in federal court to prevent the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) from referring to astronaut’s trips outside the international space station as “space walks”.

“Its bullshit,” said Kessler.  “Those guys aren’t walking anywhere.  They’re floating.  It’s a space float. They’re floating like I did in the shallow end of my parent’s pool when I was like five years old.”

NASA spokesman Dr. Thor Maggnuson vehemently disagrees.

“Obviously  these heroic, highly skilled astronauts are taking their lives into their hands by making these space walks to make repairs on outboard computers on the space station,” said Maggnuson.  “They are clearly making ‘space walks’.  I know what I’m talking about and would put my PhD up against this punk kid’s GED any day.”

“My ass,” says Kessler.  “Walking is defined as an 'inverted pendulum' gait in which the body vaults over the stiff limb or limbs with each step.  Watch the video.  These astronauts aren’t even moving their legs.  If one were to be pushed by another and not be tethered to the spacecraft he’d float away into space, completely unable to walk back.  And why the hell do they put computers on the outside of the freaking space station?”

The lawsuit is scheduled for a pretrial in federal court in five weeks.


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