NEW YORK (AIP) – Beloved purple and green dinosaur Barney, hero to a myriad of television watching children, has stunned and sadden his audience by leaving the United States and apparently joining others in the ranks of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), according to his longtime manager Buck Woodson.
“I know kids are stunned,” said Woodson. “Hell, I’m stunned. When I saw the video of Barney in the bed of that truck brandishing an AK47 during the battle for Palmyra I was shocked. There’s no mistaking a purple dino carrying an Islamic State flag. It’s him.”
Barney’s radicalization and embracing of ISIS is just the most recent in a growing list of American cartoon characters that have joined the ranks of the radical Islamic group attempting to create a caliphate in the Middle East.
“At first it was just Archie and Jughead so we weren’t really worried,” said Department of Homeland Security undersecretary Carolyn McMichael. “But then Bart Simpson joined, followed by Scooby Doo and Popeye.
“When Charlie Brown and Linus showed up in ISIS videos we knew we were in trouble.”
The Pentagon has announced that artists Stan Lee and Charles Schultz have agreed to consult with military planners on how best to erase the defectors from the battle field.
“We feel very fortunate, national security-wise,that none off the Disney stable of characters has been radicalized up till now,” said McMichael.
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Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Blugo Shocks Reporters
BRADENTON, FL (AIP) - In a rare outburst at his weekly press conference Cracker Barrel server Ryan Blugo grabbed an MSNBC reporter by the lapels and screamed "I just don’t care anymore".
"You people don't understand, I have lost all hope for the future," said the normally upbeat Blugo. "Everything has gone right to hell. Hillary Clinton is leading the field despite being a congenital liar. Al Sharpton is somehow the voice of Black America. Golden State won the NBA Championship and Dustin Johnson three putts the final hole at the US Open to lose.
“Who could possibly care about anything anymore?”
Blugo, reminded by reporters of his recent cancer remission, multimillion dollar lottery win late last year and the surprising health of his premature daughter, appeared complete distraught.
“The whole ISIS thing is pretty disturbing,” said Blugo, tears streaming down his cheeks. “The global warming bullshit has me doubting the intelligence of my fellow man. I mean really? Al fucking Gore?”
Blugo said the only bright spot he sees is the strength of the stock market.
“It’s still a raging bull,” said Blugo. “At least something is positive.”
"You people don't understand, I have lost all hope for the future," said the normally upbeat Blugo. "Everything has gone right to hell. Hillary Clinton is leading the field despite being a congenital liar. Al Sharpton is somehow the voice of Black America. Golden State won the NBA Championship and Dustin Johnson three putts the final hole at the US Open to lose.
“Who could possibly care about anything anymore?”
Blugo, reminded by reporters of his recent cancer remission, multimillion dollar lottery win late last year and the surprising health of his premature daughter, appeared complete distraught.
“The whole ISIS thing is pretty disturbing,” said Blugo, tears streaming down his cheeks. “The global warming bullshit has me doubting the intelligence of my fellow man. I mean really? Al fucking Gore?”
Blugo said the only bright spot he sees is the strength of the stock market.
“It’s still a raging bull,” said Blugo. “At least something is positive.”
Friday, June 12, 2015
Dugger's Arrest Sparks Outrage
ELIZABETHTON, TN (AIP) – Sports equipment manufacturer Nike and car maker Jaguar have both notified local resident Michael Dugger that they are terminating his relationship with their companies after his arrest for domestic violence on Wednesday evening.
“We feel that Mr. Dagger’s behavior is detrimental to our company’s image,” said Nike spokesman Victor Hubert. “While Mr. Dugger is innocent until proven guilty, the very fact of his arrest brings a dark cloud on him.”
According to police reports Dugger allegedly pushed his wife during a family argument in the couple’s living room.
National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell, speaking to reporters Thursday morning said that he was surprised and alarmed by Dugger’s actions.
“This guy has stepped outside the bounds of decency, if the reports are true,” said Goddell. “The league will be investigating this incident and, if found to be true, we will take decisive action.”
Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig issued a written statement decrying Dugger’s actions and urging authorities to quickly prosecute him for his actions.
“There’s no place in baseball for domestic violence,” said Selig’s statement.
President Barack Obama, speaking to reporters in the Rose Garden Thursday afternoon, stressed the need for a thorough investigation.
“The Justice Department has already begun a civil rights investigation into this matter,” said Obama. “It’s time in this country for folks to engage in some soul searching about domestic violence in general and we will get to the bottom of the unfortunate events in Elizabethton.”
Dugger,51, an assistant manager at the Elizabethton Big Lots store is bewildered by the high profile his case has developed, according to his attorney Christian Matthews.
“We’re unsure why all these people are weighing in with comments about this case,” said Matthews. “My client has never had a contract to represent Nike or Jaguar, doesn’t even watch professional football or baseball and has no ties to the government. We can’t understand why all these people are commenting on this very minor, local incident.”
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“We feel that Mr. Dagger’s behavior is detrimental to our company’s image,” said Nike spokesman Victor Hubert. “While Mr. Dugger is innocent until proven guilty, the very fact of his arrest brings a dark cloud on him.”
According to police reports Dugger allegedly pushed his wife during a family argument in the couple’s living room.
National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell, speaking to reporters Thursday morning said that he was surprised and alarmed by Dugger’s actions.
“This guy has stepped outside the bounds of decency, if the reports are true,” said Goddell. “The league will be investigating this incident and, if found to be true, we will take decisive action.”
Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig issued a written statement decrying Dugger’s actions and urging authorities to quickly prosecute him for his actions.
“There’s no place in baseball for domestic violence,” said Selig’s statement.
President Barack Obama, speaking to reporters in the Rose Garden Thursday afternoon, stressed the need for a thorough investigation.
“The Justice Department has already begun a civil rights investigation into this matter,” said Obama. “It’s time in this country for folks to engage in some soul searching about domestic violence in general and we will get to the bottom of the unfortunate events in Elizabethton.”
Dugger,51, an assistant manager at the Elizabethton Big Lots store is bewildered by the high profile his case has developed, according to his attorney Christian Matthews.
“We’re unsure why all these people are weighing in with comments about this case,” said Matthews. “My client has never had a contract to represent Nike or Jaguar, doesn’t even watch professional football or baseball and has no ties to the government. We can’t understand why all these people are commenting on this very minor, local incident.”
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Wednesday, June 10, 2015
College Removes Hastert Name From Center
CHICAGO (AIP) – Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert’s alma mater Wheaton College, a liberal arts Christian school near Chicago, has removed his name from the college’s center for Economics, Government and Public Policy, proving once again that naming things after living people can be a real mistake.
“Historically, it’s never good to name buildings, schools, organizations or medical facilities after anyone still alive,” said Harvard historian Dr. Michael Burke. “Probably the classic example is that unfortunate Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School in Arlington, Texas that scrambled to rename itself John Connally Junior High after that unpleasantness in Dealy Plaza in November of 1963.
“The local school board there really dropped the ball on that one.”
Burke said that there’s a long history of similar mistakes.
“The living can go sideways on you at any time,” said Burke. “The John Wilkes Booth Trauma Center outside Washington, The Ted Bundy Foundation for the Performing Arts in Gainesville, Florida and Joseph Stalin Vocational School in Virginia are just a few examples. There have been a lot of bad naming choices.”
It isn’t always major public institutions that find themselves named after someone who later becomes infamous.
“There was that small restaurant outside Los Angeles that had to change its name from the Manson Family Diner after the Tate-Labianca situation,” said Burke. “At the same time the Squeaky Fromme Montessori School in Glendale had to rename itself.”
Occasionally, according to Burke, naming an institution after someone still alive seems almost prophetic.
“In the late 1970’s no one at the Penn State could understand why they named a new medical research center the Jerry Sandusky School for Sodomy Studies,” said Burke. “In retrospect, however, it seems to have worked out nicely.”
“Historically, it’s never good to name buildings, schools, organizations or medical facilities after anyone still alive,” said Harvard historian Dr. Michael Burke. “Probably the classic example is that unfortunate Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School in Arlington, Texas that scrambled to rename itself John Connally Junior High after that unpleasantness in Dealy Plaza in November of 1963.
“The local school board there really dropped the ball on that one.”
Burke said that there’s a long history of similar mistakes.
“The living can go sideways on you at any time,” said Burke. “The John Wilkes Booth Trauma Center outside Washington, The Ted Bundy Foundation for the Performing Arts in Gainesville, Florida and Joseph Stalin Vocational School in Virginia are just a few examples. There have been a lot of bad naming choices.”
It isn’t always major public institutions that find themselves named after someone who later becomes infamous.
“There was that small restaurant outside Los Angeles that had to change its name from the Manson Family Diner after the Tate-Labianca situation,” said Burke. “At the same time the Squeaky Fromme Montessori School in Glendale had to rename itself.”
Occasionally, according to Burke, naming an institution after someone still alive seems almost prophetic.
“In the late 1970’s no one at the Penn State could understand why they named a new medical research center the Jerry Sandusky School for Sodomy Studies,” said Burke. “In retrospect, however, it seems to have worked out nicely.”
Friday, May 29, 2015
Battle Heats Up In Apartment Wars
BELLAIRE, FL (AIP) – The battle between the last remaining renter at the Del Sol Apartment Complex and the apartment’s owners, who want to see that renter gone and turn the complex into condominiums, seems to be entering a more serious phase.
“A month ago I came home from work and I had no water for eight hours,” said Jacob Castor, the complex’s final remaining resident. “A few days later I came home and the cable, which is included in my rent, was out and still is.
“Yesterday I got home and all the oxygen had been removed from my place.”
(Independent testing by an air quality lab hired by this publication showed that, indeed, the atmosphere in Castor’s apartment consisted entirely of hydrogen, nitrogen and trace amounts of helium.)
Owners of the property have planned to convert the presently rent controlled apartments into high end condos. State law precludes owners from evicting rent-paying tenants. All the other former residents were forced out, says Castor. He has refused to leave and says that ownership is turning to drastic measures to make him go.
“I was taking the garbage out last week when a baby grand piano fell from above and missed me by inches,” said Castor. “Bill Martin used to above me. He’s been gone two months and never owned a piano.
“Three weeks ago a war party of Seneca Indians camped outside my door for two nights and repeatedly attempted to get inside. When they finally left I found a tomahawk buried my front door.”
Ownership has expressed surprise at the spurt of recent events and a Pinellas Sheriff’s Office investigation has found all recent incidents at the Del Sol Apartments to be of ‘natural origin’.
“That’s bullshit,” said Castor of the Sheriff’s Office findings. “I left my place Saturday at noon to go to the Wal-Mart. On the way to the car I was attacked by a snow leopard, which is insane because everyone knows that snow leopards hunt at dusk and dawn only. I was lucky enough to get in my vehicle before the leopard got to me.”
Castor has vowed to remain, despite the threats.
“I ain’t going anywhere,” he said.
“A month ago I came home from work and I had no water for eight hours,” said Jacob Castor, the complex’s final remaining resident. “A few days later I came home and the cable, which is included in my rent, was out and still is.
“Yesterday I got home and all the oxygen had been removed from my place.”
(Independent testing by an air quality lab hired by this publication showed that, indeed, the atmosphere in Castor’s apartment consisted entirely of hydrogen, nitrogen and trace amounts of helium.)
Owners of the property have planned to convert the presently rent controlled apartments into high end condos. State law precludes owners from evicting rent-paying tenants. All the other former residents were forced out, says Castor. He has refused to leave and says that ownership is turning to drastic measures to make him go.
“I was taking the garbage out last week when a baby grand piano fell from above and missed me by inches,” said Castor. “Bill Martin used to above me. He’s been gone two months and never owned a piano.
“Three weeks ago a war party of Seneca Indians camped outside my door for two nights and repeatedly attempted to get inside. When they finally left I found a tomahawk buried my front door.”
Ownership has expressed surprise at the spurt of recent events and a Pinellas Sheriff’s Office investigation has found all recent incidents at the Del Sol Apartments to be of ‘natural origin’.
“That’s bullshit,” said Castor of the Sheriff’s Office findings. “I left my place Saturday at noon to go to the Wal-Mart. On the way to the car I was attacked by a snow leopard, which is insane because everyone knows that snow leopards hunt at dusk and dawn only. I was lucky enough to get in my vehicle before the leopard got to me.”
Castor has vowed to remain, despite the threats.
“I ain’t going anywhere,” he said.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Brophy Admits Poor Performance On Friday
LAKELAND, FL (AIP) – Tom Brophy, in his usual post-work press conference, admitted that while he got the job done, it didn’t look like he gave his usual 100 percent at work on Friday.
“I knew going in that I was having trouble focusing,” said Brophy, an assistant produce manager at the Publix located in the Grove Park Shopping Center on US Highway 98. “The physical skills were there, but I couldn’t get a rhythm going. I couldn’t get into the groove.”
Store manager Kellie Johns rated Brophy’s Friday performance as ‘adequate’.
“He’s one hell of an assistant produce manager,” said Johns, whose store has won several national titles. “He came out of a high school that ran a pro-style books store where he was the star stocker. He was our number one pick and he started for us right away.”
“While he didn’t shine today, he did get the job done.”
Brophy told reporters that a verbal altercation with his girlfriend De Anna Thursday evening, coupled with his deep seated angst concerning the meaning of life and his place in the universe may have affected his work on Friday.
“I’ve got some issues to work through,” said Brophy. “I’ll watch some work film from today this evening and get my head together. I promise you that tomorrow I’ll be performing at 100 percent again.”
“I knew going in that I was having trouble focusing,” said Brophy, an assistant produce manager at the Publix located in the Grove Park Shopping Center on US Highway 98. “The physical skills were there, but I couldn’t get a rhythm going. I couldn’t get into the groove.”
Store manager Kellie Johns rated Brophy’s Friday performance as ‘adequate’.
“He’s one hell of an assistant produce manager,” said Johns, whose store has won several national titles. “He came out of a high school that ran a pro-style books store where he was the star stocker. He was our number one pick and he started for us right away.”
“While he didn’t shine today, he did get the job done.”
Brophy told reporters that a verbal altercation with his girlfriend De Anna Thursday evening, coupled with his deep seated angst concerning the meaning of life and his place in the universe may have affected his work on Friday.
“I’ve got some issues to work through,” said Brophy. “I’ll watch some work film from today this evening and get my head together. I promise you that tomorrow I’ll be performing at 100 percent again.”
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Biden Speaks At Sexual Violence Conference
WASHINGTON (AIP) – Vice President Joe Biden, speaking at a conference on sexual violence being sponsored by the National Organization of Women, wowed the crowded conference hall Friday by telling attendees that he really enjoys raping women.
“Old Uncle Joe really gets off by raping girls,” the vice president said in his remarks. “There’s nothing like forcing a woman to pleasure you at gunpoint. It makes me nut pretty hard.”
Biden said that he’s been raping woman for years.
“Because of the office I hold, I’ve been able to travel around the country and the globe,” said Biden. “I’ve been able to rape women of all regions, socio-economic levels and religions. I have had some really great rapes. Screaming, fighting back, crying, and begging me to stop. Yes, I’m glad I chose this lifestyle.”
Biden said that he raping began years ago.
“I was masturbating quite a bit back then, Uncle Joe spanking the monkey all the time,” said Biden. “Then one day I realized that the world is full of poontang. A man just has to go out and take it by force and violence.”
Biden said that women are the only object of his vile and horrible desires.
“Hell, occasionally I rape dudes,” said Biden. “Packing the fudge factory can be a blast. Most men just cry when I’m raping them. Many of them want it anyway. Hell, it’s all pink inside.”
Biden said he plans to continue raping women every chance he gets.
“They’ll never catch me,” said Biden. “I don’t think the cops even look. Going forward I think Uncle Joe’s fuck stick is going to get quite the workout.”
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“Old Uncle Joe really gets off by raping girls,” the vice president said in his remarks. “There’s nothing like forcing a woman to pleasure you at gunpoint. It makes me nut pretty hard.”
Biden said that he’s been raping woman for years.
“Because of the office I hold, I’ve been able to travel around the country and the globe,” said Biden. “I’ve been able to rape women of all regions, socio-economic levels and religions. I have had some really great rapes. Screaming, fighting back, crying, and begging me to stop. Yes, I’m glad I chose this lifestyle.”
Biden said that he raping began years ago.
“I was masturbating quite a bit back then, Uncle Joe spanking the monkey all the time,” said Biden. “Then one day I realized that the world is full of poontang. A man just has to go out and take it by force and violence.”
Biden said that women are the only object of his vile and horrible desires.
“Hell, occasionally I rape dudes,” said Biden. “Packing the fudge factory can be a blast. Most men just cry when I’m raping them. Many of them want it anyway. Hell, it’s all pink inside.”
Biden said he plans to continue raping women every chance he gets.
“They’ll never catch me,” said Biden. “I don’t think the cops even look. Going forward I think Uncle Joe’s fuck stick is going to get quite the workout.”
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
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