LARGO, FL (AIP) - Randy Hall, a Stan Lee created superhero, has announced that he's hanging up his signature Joseph A. Banks tux and checkerboard Vans. He'll no longer be "the Guy" that shows up in the nick of time to pay the bar tabs of really hot girls way too young for him when they forget their wallets.
"It was a nice run," said Hall, contacted in the Baypointe Assisted Living Facility. "But frankly I've put out a lot of green for very little carpet."
Hall, whose "just in time to pay the tab" exploits amused a generation of cartoon loving kids made his career on being at the right bar at the right time with the right money to save the day and nail a piece of ass.
"The public will miss him," said Joules Davis, curator of the New York City Museum of Cultural Arts. "Frankly it's a sad day for superheros."
Hall, teared and clearly distraught, said he's going in another direction in the future. "I believe I'll go to mission work. Shit, I ment missionary work. Don't cost as much. Better ROI."
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
Clinton New Book An Eye Opener
NEW YORK (AIP) – In her new ‘tell all’ book Hard Choices about the lean years the Clinton family faced after leaving the White House "flat broke" former First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton recounts how she had to “suck a few cocks” in order to make ends meet.
“I was out there on East Fiftieth Street near the Waldorf-Astoria looking for johns,” writes Clinton. “I’d do eight, nine guys a day which would bring home $160 to $180. It was tough work. The other girls didn’t have to overcome the kankle problem I had, but I discounted my rate and did okay.
“At first Bill was indignant but I explained to him that I wasn’t having sex with those men, just blowing them. And besides, it kept him in Big Macs and malt liquor. He never stopped complaining that I smelled like other men’s balls however. I did a lot of breath mints in those days.”
The book further relates the troubles young Chelsea Clinton faced.
“Bill and I were both thrilled that Chelsea is going to give birth to our first grandson,” writes Hillary. “We were a little afraid that the several abortions she went through after we left the White House might make a normal pregnancy impossible. “
Clinton’s book tour has not been producing the crowds and buzz she had hoped for. Early supporters thought that the tour might dovetail nicely into a 2016 run for the presidency.
“Nobody’s really showing up,” said Clinton. “So I sit at a Barnes and Nobles in Salt Lake City for a few hours drinking coffee. Later, of course, I’m out making a buck. When it's money I'll do about anything - oral, anal whatever. They only thing I won't do is talk about Benghazi.”
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“I was out there on East Fiftieth Street near the Waldorf-Astoria looking for johns,” writes Clinton. “I’d do eight, nine guys a day which would bring home $160 to $180. It was tough work. The other girls didn’t have to overcome the kankle problem I had, but I discounted my rate and did okay.
“At first Bill was indignant but I explained to him that I wasn’t having sex with those men, just blowing them. And besides, it kept him in Big Macs and malt liquor. He never stopped complaining that I smelled like other men’s balls however. I did a lot of breath mints in those days.”
The book further relates the troubles young Chelsea Clinton faced.
“Bill and I were both thrilled that Chelsea is going to give birth to our first grandson,” writes Hillary. “We were a little afraid that the several abortions she went through after we left the White House might make a normal pregnancy impossible. “
Clinton’s book tour has not been producing the crowds and buzz she had hoped for. Early supporters thought that the tour might dovetail nicely into a 2016 run for the presidency.
“Nobody’s really showing up,” said Clinton. “So I sit at a Barnes and Nobles in Salt Lake City for a few hours drinking coffee. Later, of course, I’m out making a buck. When it's money I'll do about anything - oral, anal whatever. They only thing I won't do is talk about Benghazi.”
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Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Georgia-Pacific Scores Legal Victory
ATLANTA (AIP) – Georgia-Pacific Consumer Productions Corporation, parent company of Brawny Paper Towels, scored a major product protection victory in the United States District Court when that court granted injunctive relief to the company in its suit against Rome, GA, resident Milley Crawford, who the company claims has been misusing it’s product.
“Thankfully the Court realized that our products need to be protected,” said Georgia-Pacific lead counsel Christopher Winegalze.
In late August or 2013, Rome, Ga., resident Michael Clayton, Crawford’s boyfriend at the time, contacted the company and complained about Crawford’s misuse of Brawny Paper Towels.
“She’d leave me notes on the counter all the time,” said Clayton. “She’d write them on sheets of Brawny. You know, ‘I love you’ or ‘Hope your day went well’. At first I found it endearing and cute, but then it got out of control.
“I’d come home from work and there would be a 30-sheet note from her on the kitchen counter and another empty brown cardboard tube in the paper towel holder. She’d use a Sharpe to write occasionally, which would bleed through the paper towel and stain the counter.”
By July of 2013, Clayton had finally had enough.
“We’d had a fight the night before and when I got home there was what amounted to a manifesto piled up next to the sink,” said Clayton. “Bitch went through a complete double roll. That’s when I made the call.”
After being alerted about the misuse of its product, Winegalze immediately file for relief in the US District Court.
“Back in 2001 we had to do pretty much the same thing to stop 12-year old Billy McCallister from fashioning our paper towels into spitballs,” said Winegalze. “I mean, it says right on the label that it’s to be used for washing, wiping and drying only.”
Crawford declined comment for this story.
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“Thankfully the Court realized that our products need to be protected,” said Georgia-Pacific lead counsel Christopher Winegalze.
In late August or 2013, Rome, Ga., resident Michael Clayton, Crawford’s boyfriend at the time, contacted the company and complained about Crawford’s misuse of Brawny Paper Towels.
“She’d leave me notes on the counter all the time,” said Clayton. “She’d write them on sheets of Brawny. You know, ‘I love you’ or ‘Hope your day went well’. At first I found it endearing and cute, but then it got out of control.
“I’d come home from work and there would be a 30-sheet note from her on the kitchen counter and another empty brown cardboard tube in the paper towel holder. She’d use a Sharpe to write occasionally, which would bleed through the paper towel and stain the counter.”
By July of 2013, Clayton had finally had enough.
“We’d had a fight the night before and when I got home there was what amounted to a manifesto piled up next to the sink,” said Clayton. “Bitch went through a complete double roll. That’s when I made the call.”
After being alerted about the misuse of its product, Winegalze immediately file for relief in the US District Court.
“Back in 2001 we had to do pretty much the same thing to stop 12-year old Billy McCallister from fashioning our paper towels into spitballs,” said Winegalze. “I mean, it says right on the label that it’s to be used for washing, wiping and drying only.”
Crawford declined comment for this story.
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Thursday, June 19, 2014
USPTO Decision Strips Trademark
ALEXANDRIA,VA (AIP) – In another stunning decision issued fast on the heels of the revocation of the Washington profession football team’s ‘Redskins’ trademark, the United State Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) has stripped the Crayola Crayon Company of its trademark on the names of the colors ‘Red’ and ‘Black’.
“The names ‘black’ and ‘red’ are inherently disparagingly and racist,” said USPTO spokesman Deborah Hollister. “As such, under the Lanham Act, the federal trademark protection of those names must be removed. A company simply cannot trademark a racist name.
“Any time a group of four or five citizens is offended by something we feel it is our duty under federal law to act quickly and decisively.”
Officials at Crayola corporate headquarters in Easton, PA, were swift to react.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding,” said company vice president Debbie Johnson-Marie. “Those are simply the names of the colors. There’s no implied racism. Where do these rulings come from? We certainly plan to appeal this misguided decision.”
Johnson-Marie assured reporters that the company would continue to manufacture and market the controversial colors.
“Our customers will still get red and black in the box,” said Johnson-Marie. “And our other colors are absolutely unaffected by this decision.”
Crayola still holds trademarks on a number of its signature colors including Banyan Bay Beige, Cayenne Pepper, Kike, Cracker, Wop, Slope, Wetback, Rag head, Limey and Greasy Bohunk.
“I guess that the easily offended humorless sector of the market needs to purchase another firms crayons,” said Johnson-Marie.
In further action announced today the USPTO also stripped trademark protection from ‘Yellow Rice’, asphalt producer ‘Blacktop’, the nation of Nigeria, the ‘Red’ River’, and the French words ‘Noir’ and ‘blanc'.
Nigerian officials said they do not plan to appeal the decision.
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“The names ‘black’ and ‘red’ are inherently disparagingly and racist,” said USPTO spokesman Deborah Hollister. “As such, under the Lanham Act, the federal trademark protection of those names must be removed. A company simply cannot trademark a racist name.
“Any time a group of four or five citizens is offended by something we feel it is our duty under federal law to act quickly and decisively.”
Officials at Crayola corporate headquarters in Easton, PA, were swift to react.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding,” said company vice president Debbie Johnson-Marie. “Those are simply the names of the colors. There’s no implied racism. Where do these rulings come from? We certainly plan to appeal this misguided decision.”
Johnson-Marie assured reporters that the company would continue to manufacture and market the controversial colors.
“Our customers will still get red and black in the box,” said Johnson-Marie. “And our other colors are absolutely unaffected by this decision.”
Crayola still holds trademarks on a number of its signature colors including Banyan Bay Beige, Cayenne Pepper, Kike, Cracker, Wop, Slope, Wetback, Rag head, Limey and Greasy Bohunk.
“I guess that the easily offended humorless sector of the market needs to purchase another firms crayons,” said Johnson-Marie.
In further action announced today the USPTO also stripped trademark protection from ‘Yellow Rice’, asphalt producer ‘Blacktop’, the nation of Nigeria, the ‘Red’ River’, and the French words ‘Noir’ and ‘blanc'.
Nigerian officials said they do not plan to appeal the decision.
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
American Airlines Announces New Fee
NEW YORK (AIP) – American Airlines, the nation’s largest commercial passenger carrier, citing increased fuel costs and a drop in travel announced today that it would begin charging a fee of $125 for each customer who boards a domestic or international flight with excess emotional baggage.
“It’s only fair,” said American spokesman Thomas Lafferety. “Folks who travel with us and are uncomfortable with their sordid lives, horrible pasts and hopeless futures should pay their fair share. Well adjusted passengers have historically been footing a disproportionate cost for air travel.”
Lafferety said that American Airlines has partnered with the Church of Scientology to install E-meters at its boarding gate to gage the weight of emotional baggage that each passenger is carrying. Too heavy and the $125 fee kicks in.
“The whole process is very quick,” said Lafferety. “It shouldn’t add any wait time to the present security preflight check of our customers.”
Long time business flier Katie Cummings, a Sterling Chase Investments vice president, is unhappy with the new fee.
“I’ve had three ruined marriages,” said Cummings, visibly upset with the announced added charge. “I’ve had to sleep my way to the top of my profession, which means that I drink quite a bit just to be able to live inside my own skin. Perhaps if my father had cared a little more and paid more attention to me I wouldn’t have to pay out the ass just to fly to San Francisco.”
Ronco Corporation salesman Marty Marlin, who flies several times a month for business and has a stable and fulfilling life, disagrees.
“I feel good about myself and my life,” said Marlin. “I think it’s only fair that those people whose lives are defined by past failures and future fears should pay their fair share.”
“We want all of our customers to be happy,” said Lafferety. “Unfortunately for us, many of them never will be. Those fliers are going to have to pay extra for bringing the rest of our customers down.”
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“It’s only fair,” said American spokesman Thomas Lafferety. “Folks who travel with us and are uncomfortable with their sordid lives, horrible pasts and hopeless futures should pay their fair share. Well adjusted passengers have historically been footing a disproportionate cost for air travel.”
Lafferety said that American Airlines has partnered with the Church of Scientology to install E-meters at its boarding gate to gage the weight of emotional baggage that each passenger is carrying. Too heavy and the $125 fee kicks in.
“The whole process is very quick,” said Lafferety. “It shouldn’t add any wait time to the present security preflight check of our customers.”
Long time business flier Katie Cummings, a Sterling Chase Investments vice president, is unhappy with the new fee.
“I’ve had three ruined marriages,” said Cummings, visibly upset with the announced added charge. “I’ve had to sleep my way to the top of my profession, which means that I drink quite a bit just to be able to live inside my own skin. Perhaps if my father had cared a little more and paid more attention to me I wouldn’t have to pay out the ass just to fly to San Francisco.”
Ronco Corporation salesman Marty Marlin, who flies several times a month for business and has a stable and fulfilling life, disagrees.
“I feel good about myself and my life,” said Marlin. “I think it’s only fair that those people whose lives are defined by past failures and future fears should pay their fair share.”
“We want all of our customers to be happy,” said Lafferety. “Unfortunately for us, many of them never will be. Those fliers are going to have to pay extra for bringing the rest of our customers down.”
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Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Researchers Announce Important Finding
PALO ALTO, CA (AIP) – Researchers at the Veterans Administration Palo Alto Mental Health Training Facility today released the results of a 5-year long study that has found that each year in the United State over 16,000 men and women die as a result of a psychological inability to have a bowel movement while in a work environment.
“We were amazed,” said lead researcher Cunningham Bogart. “We studied death certificates of over 12 million people over a five year period and found that a sizeable number of those who died early died from an inability to crap. We’re not talking about having a bowel obstruction or even extreme constipation. These folks just can’t take a dump while at work.”
Bogart’s team interview over 12,000 sufferers over the 5-year study and found three main causes individuals inability to “do their business” while at work.
“The vast majority were afraid that co-workers would hear them grunting or pushing and the resulting ‘farting’ that accompanies such efforts,” said Bogart. “Secondly sufferers were afraid that co-workers would be offended by the rancid smell released from the gastric tract. And finally they were afraid of the sound of fecal matter splashing into the water in the toilet bowl.”
Charlie Johnson, an office manager at Sears in Reno, NV. , agreed.
“I can’t let my people hear me take a dump,” said Johnson. “I’ve literally held it so long that I’ve shit myself on the drive home after work, which is preferable to being overheard making those sounds in the stall.
“I really envy Bill in house wares. I’ve heard him dropping the kids off at the pool from the number 2 stall. I’ve actually heard him grunting like a pig and then laughing. He comes out of the bathroom with a big smile on his face, the lucky bastard.”
Bogart is urging the Federal government to begin a national program to assure people that it’s alright to do Number 2 at work.
“The ‘It’s Ok To Crap’ campaign could really help a lot of folks suffering from this horrible condition,” said Bogart. “Sally Struthers has already agreed to make public service commercials and we’ve got Justin Bieber writing a song in support.”
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“We were amazed,” said lead researcher Cunningham Bogart. “We studied death certificates of over 12 million people over a five year period and found that a sizeable number of those who died early died from an inability to crap. We’re not talking about having a bowel obstruction or even extreme constipation. These folks just can’t take a dump while at work.”
Bogart’s team interview over 12,000 sufferers over the 5-year study and found three main causes individuals inability to “do their business” while at work.
“The vast majority were afraid that co-workers would hear them grunting or pushing and the resulting ‘farting’ that accompanies such efforts,” said Bogart. “Secondly sufferers were afraid that co-workers would be offended by the rancid smell released from the gastric tract. And finally they were afraid of the sound of fecal matter splashing into the water in the toilet bowl.”
Charlie Johnson, an office manager at Sears in Reno, NV. , agreed.
“I can’t let my people hear me take a dump,” said Johnson. “I’ve literally held it so long that I’ve shit myself on the drive home after work, which is preferable to being overheard making those sounds in the stall.
“I really envy Bill in house wares. I’ve heard him dropping the kids off at the pool from the number 2 stall. I’ve actually heard him grunting like a pig and then laughing. He comes out of the bathroom with a big smile on his face, the lucky bastard.”
Bogart is urging the Federal government to begin a national program to assure people that it’s alright to do Number 2 at work.
“The ‘It’s Ok To Crap’ campaign could really help a lot of folks suffering from this horrible condition,” said Bogart. “Sally Struthers has already agreed to make public service commercials and we’ve got Justin Bieber writing a song in support.”
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Monday, June 16, 2014
World Famous Cat Found Dead
Starke, FL (AIP) – Corky the Cat who gained international fame as the “Comforter of the Dying” and was featured on CBS’s 60 Minutes and NBC’s Nightline for her ability to predict who would die next and then spend time with that unfortunate soul was found dead on the grounds of the Live Oak Assisted Living Facility late Tuesday night.
Corky, famous for prowling the halls of Live Oak with her collar bell tinkling and stealing into the rooms of soon to die residents had the remarkable ability to sense which resident would pass away next and cuddle up in bed with the terminal patient, was found beheaded and nailed to a tree just outside the facility’s entrance.
“Fucking cat was 28 and 0 prediction-wise,” said longtime resident Waylon McMichael, at 98 the oldest resident at Live Oak. “Hearing that bell sauntering down the hallway gave me the willies in the middle of the night. Slow Johnny would actually piss himself every time he caught sight of her. I don’t know who killed her, but I’m forever grateful.”
Starke Police Chief Kyle Sage said that his office has devoted extensive manpower and resources to find the killer or killers.
“We’ve interviewed all of the Live Oak residents and oddly no one seems to have seen or heard anything out of the ordinary,” said Sage. “Old folks traditionally don’t sleep well so we believe someone heard or saw something. The forensic evidence seems to indicate that Corky was alive and conscious when the head was severed so that would like mean one perpetrator likely held the body while another did the sawing.”
“Who gives a shit,” said Martha Gumball, and 87-year old retired Unitarian Minister who’s been a resident of Live Oak for six years. “We’re all just relieved that the horrible bitch is gone.”
Oddly, since Corky’s demise the Live Oak Assisted Living Facility, which historically has lost an average of 12 residents a month, has reported no deaths.
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Corky, famous for prowling the halls of Live Oak with her collar bell tinkling and stealing into the rooms of soon to die residents had the remarkable ability to sense which resident would pass away next and cuddle up in bed with the terminal patient, was found beheaded and nailed to a tree just outside the facility’s entrance.
“Fucking cat was 28 and 0 prediction-wise,” said longtime resident Waylon McMichael, at 98 the oldest resident at Live Oak. “Hearing that bell sauntering down the hallway gave me the willies in the middle of the night. Slow Johnny would actually piss himself every time he caught sight of her. I don’t know who killed her, but I’m forever grateful.”
Starke Police Chief Kyle Sage said that his office has devoted extensive manpower and resources to find the killer or killers.
“We’ve interviewed all of the Live Oak residents and oddly no one seems to have seen or heard anything out of the ordinary,” said Sage. “Old folks traditionally don’t sleep well so we believe someone heard or saw something. The forensic evidence seems to indicate that Corky was alive and conscious when the head was severed so that would like mean one perpetrator likely held the body while another did the sawing.”
“Who gives a shit,” said Martha Gumball, and 87-year old retired Unitarian Minister who’s been a resident of Live Oak for six years. “We’re all just relieved that the horrible bitch is gone.”
Oddly, since Corky’s demise the Live Oak Assisted Living Facility, which historically has lost an average of 12 residents a month, has reported no deaths.
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
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