BERN, SWITZERLAND (AIP) – A conference between a legation from the Vatican and a Synod representing the Greek Orthodox Church, meeting here in preliminary talks to reunify the Eastern and Western branches of Christianity, broke down into name calling and chest bumping Friday, with spokesmen from both sides saying that there will be no future talks.
“The Orthodox church teaches heresy,” said Cardinal Vincente DeMazio, spokesman for the Catholic legation. “Their doctrine is straight from the pits of hell.”
The crux of what is at issue, which is precisely the same fight over church doctrine that drove Pope Innocent III to excommunicate the Eastern branch of the church in 1205 A.D. in what is known as the Great Schism, remains the same.
“In 1203 Pope Innocent III decreed that it is the will of our Lord that toilet paper shall feed over the top of the roll, in the same way that we are to overcome our sins,” said DeMazio. “To believe otherwise is fundamental error and a mortal sin.”
“Blasphemy, pure blasphemy,” countered Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople Bartholomew. “Even as forgiveness flows from above to below, so should the toilet paper flow from the bottom of the roll. This is a core belief of our church and a vital element of salvation.”
James McPhee, Professor of Religious Studies at St Anne’s College, Oxford, said that this single issue has divided the largest two Christian religions for nearly a thousand years.
“Wars have been fought over the Toilet Paper Flow doctrine,” said McPhee. “Each side feels that the flow of the paper is divinely inspired by God and is therefore fundamental to salvation.
“There have been moves to reconcile the Churches in the past, most notably in the late 1700’s when Frenchmen Marc Andre Jacoud invented the bidet in an attempt to offer a middle of the road solution that took toilet paper out of the equation. Both Churches condemned the bidet as the work of Satan.”
“The Holy Roman Church may find its way to accept Gays and Lesbians and same sex marriage, but we will never accept the under flow,” said DeMazio.
McPhee points out that the Toilet Paper Flow question was one of the leading causes of the Protestant Reformation.
“Martin Luther wrote of it in his famous 95 Theses of 1517,” said McPhee. “He asked ‘what the direction of flow mattered as long as the ass got cleaned?’”
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Friday, October 31, 2014
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Plaintiff's Call Court's Ruling A Victory For Workers
WASHINGTON (AIP) – In a stunning reversal of the lower court and just in time for Halloween, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that evil minions are covered by the same federal wage, hour and benefits regulations as all other classes of labors.
“My client is thrilled,” said Yousef Bernard, attorney for the plaintiff in the Igor v. Victor Frankenstein class action suit. “If my client’s employer had provided him with the customary and usual health benefits and afforded him FEMLA leave, his hunchback might have received the proper treatment and not metastasized.”
“I was on call 24/7,” said Igor, speaking from the Supreme Court steps. “Night after night it was 3 a.m. and the Doctor would yell ‘Igor, go get me another body to reanimate’. No paid vacation, no lunch break. I deserve just compensation.”
Fellow evil minion Nikko, King of the Winged Monkeys, released a statement expressing his happiness over the ruling.
“I did the Wicked Witch of the East’s bidding for a number of years with absolutely no pay,” said Nikko. “Once the rest of the squadron and I were in the ready room for weeks on end, 24 hours a day until radar finally located Dorothy and her companions. We sortied out and picked them up. It was precision work.
“When we got back I went to the Witch and said ‘hey Witch, how about a little something for the boys?’. She just looked at me and gave me that wicked laugh. It was very de-flying monkey-zing.”
The Court’s ruling deals narrowly with the status of evil minions and doesn’t affect non-evil minions, sometimes known as sidekicks.
“I’m deeply disappointed,” said Tonto, contacted by phone. “I slaved for the Lone Ranger for a dozen years and my only compensation was firewater and beef jerky. I guess if I had been evil I might have finally gotten something. My fight for equality will continue.”
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“My client is thrilled,” said Yousef Bernard, attorney for the plaintiff in the Igor v. Victor Frankenstein class action suit. “If my client’s employer had provided him with the customary and usual health benefits and afforded him FEMLA leave, his hunchback might have received the proper treatment and not metastasized.”
“I was on call 24/7,” said Igor, speaking from the Supreme Court steps. “Night after night it was 3 a.m. and the Doctor would yell ‘Igor, go get me another body to reanimate’. No paid vacation, no lunch break. I deserve just compensation.”
Fellow evil minion Nikko, King of the Winged Monkeys, released a statement expressing his happiness over the ruling.
“I did the Wicked Witch of the East’s bidding for a number of years with absolutely no pay,” said Nikko. “Once the rest of the squadron and I were in the ready room for weeks on end, 24 hours a day until radar finally located Dorothy and her companions. We sortied out and picked them up. It was precision work.
“When we got back I went to the Witch and said ‘hey Witch, how about a little something for the boys?’. She just looked at me and gave me that wicked laugh. It was very de-flying monkey-zing.”
The Court’s ruling deals narrowly with the status of evil minions and doesn’t affect non-evil minions, sometimes known as sidekicks.
“I’m deeply disappointed,” said Tonto, contacted by phone. “I slaved for the Lone Ranger for a dozen years and my only compensation was firewater and beef jerky. I guess if I had been evil I might have finally gotten something. My fight for equality will continue.”
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Monday, October 27, 2014
Supreme Court Takes Scott Off The Ballot
TALLAHASEE, FL (AIP) – The Florida Supreme Court, ruling in response to a suit brought by a group of influential Florida Democrats, has found that Florida Governor Rick Scott is ineligible to run for a second term as governor because he has not been a resident of Florida for the last seven years, as is required by state law.
In their published ruling the Justices say, in part, that ‘we therefore find that Rick Scott is, in fact, an alien’ and therefore not eligible for election.
“I knew it,” said Democratic politico Martin Van Hoose, who filed the original suit. “One look at that son of a bitch’s eyes and I knew he was a damn alien. The Supreme Court made the finding that his legal residence is in the Pleiades star system, nowhere near the State of Florida.”
Official records from the planet Mongo, in the Pleiades system, indicate that Scott attended Mongo High School and worked for a time as an intern in the office of Ming the Merciless, who later whet on to rule the entire Pleiades system until being destroyed by earthling Flash Gordon.
“The fucking eyes should have tipped us all off,” said Representative Michael Frescha (R-Pinellas). “I thought he was wooden and heartless, but in a human sense. I had no idea that he is actually wooden and heartless.”
Official records further indicate that Scott is presently married to Ming’s daughter, Princess Aura, and they have a home on Mongo where Scott resided until 2011 before hopping a rocket ship flight to Earth.
“This is a blow for the Republican Party and just shows how elitist the entire system is,” said Republican Party Chairman James Stott. “The fact that the Supreme Court can keep a Pleiadien off the ballot is heavy handed indeed.”
Spokesmen Charles Caffee said that the Governor plans to call in rocket ships from Mongo to enforce his right to rule.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
West Yorkshire Police Solve Murder
YORKSHIRE, ENGLAND (AIP) – Authorities with the West Yorkshire police on Thursday arrested Jill in connection with the brutal murder of Jack, whose killing near Leeds has baffled investigators for over a decade.
“We have, in fact, arrested Jill for the slaying of Jack, whose body was found at the bottom of a hill near Leeds in 1997,” said Dee Collins, Temporary Chief Constable of the West Yorkshire Police Department. “We believe we have solved the murder and hopefully provided some closure to Jack’s family and friends.”
“I’m stunned,” said Gretel, a long time friend of Jill. “I can’t believe she had anything to do with Jack’s murder. Of course, I always knew that she was something of a crazy bitch.”
According to the detailed indictment, Jill had become enraged at Jack’s attentions toward their mutual friend Cinderella, a Leeds house keeper. In what policy claim was a long planned plot, after a night of drinking Jill lured Jack up the hill to fetch some water for tea. While at the well, Jill struck Jack with a two-foot section of steel rebar fracturing his skull, then pushed his body down the hill where it landed in some overgrown brush.
Jack’s corpse was later found by tourists on holiday from America.
“Our first break in the investigation came when we found that Jill had taken a rather healthy life insurance policy out on Jack,” said Collins. “We were later able to retrieve cell phone texts between Jill and a man named Pinocchio, apparently an Italian national, on the morning of the murder that contained thinly veiled references to the killing such as ‘he squealed like a pig when I hit him with the rebar’ and ‘I’m glad he’s fucking dead’.”
Jill maintained her innocence during a phone interview with reporters from jail.
“I had nothing to do with Jack’s death,” said Jill. “This is all a frame up. The next thing you know they’ll be trying to finger me for Dumpty’s murder, and I was nowhere near the wall that night.”
The Humpty Dumpty murder remains unsolved, however police have commented publically that Jill was the sole beneficary in a large life insurance policy on Mr. Dumpty.
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“We have, in fact, arrested Jill for the slaying of Jack, whose body was found at the bottom of a hill near Leeds in 1997,” said Dee Collins, Temporary Chief Constable of the West Yorkshire Police Department. “We believe we have solved the murder and hopefully provided some closure to Jack’s family and friends.”
“I’m stunned,” said Gretel, a long time friend of Jill. “I can’t believe she had anything to do with Jack’s murder. Of course, I always knew that she was something of a crazy bitch.”
According to the detailed indictment, Jill had become enraged at Jack’s attentions toward their mutual friend Cinderella, a Leeds house keeper. In what policy claim was a long planned plot, after a night of drinking Jill lured Jack up the hill to fetch some water for tea. While at the well, Jill struck Jack with a two-foot section of steel rebar fracturing his skull, then pushed his body down the hill where it landed in some overgrown brush.
Jack’s corpse was later found by tourists on holiday from America.
“Our first break in the investigation came when we found that Jill had taken a rather healthy life insurance policy out on Jack,” said Collins. “We were later able to retrieve cell phone texts between Jill and a man named Pinocchio, apparently an Italian national, on the morning of the murder that contained thinly veiled references to the killing such as ‘he squealed like a pig when I hit him with the rebar’ and ‘I’m glad he’s fucking dead’.”
Jill maintained her innocence during a phone interview with reporters from jail.
“I had nothing to do with Jack’s death,” said Jill. “This is all a frame up. The next thing you know they’ll be trying to finger me for Dumpty’s murder, and I was nowhere near the wall that night.”
The Humpty Dumpty murder remains unsolved, however police have commented publically that Jill was the sole beneficary in a large life insurance policy on Mr. Dumpty.
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Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Vatican Panel Announces Florida Findings
VATICAN CITY (AIP) - A team of catholic prelates, led by Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone announced that his blue ribbon commission has traveled to Florida where they interviewed both incumbent Governor Rick Scott former Governor Charlie Crist, rivals in Florida’s gubernatorial election this November and found that neither man has a soul.
“We weren’t surprised in the lack of a soul in either one of these two beings,” said Bertone. “While the incidence of soulless beings in the general population is almost zero, among the political class beings without a soul are pretty much the rule and not the exception.”
According to Catholic doctrine, a soul is defined as the ‘ultimate internal principle by which we think, feel and will, and by which our bodies are animated’.
“Yeah, neither one of them have that,” said Bertone. “Not a scintilla of it.”
Bertone said that he and members of his commission spent hours interviewing both men.
"At first Governor Scott invoked his 5th amendment right not to answer our questions," said Bertone. "After he understood that we weren't investigating the legality of his former dealings he warmed up to us. We found, however, that inside he was as black as night."
Former Governor Crist gave the team a much warmer reception.
"He was a very nice man," said Bertone. "Unfortunately, we could find no core values in the creature."
The Vatican has been interviewing politicians for decades trying to locate one that might have a soul but without success.
"From Nixon right on down to Nancy Pelosi we've come up snake eyes," said Bertone. "Some guy named Cruz in Texas is a possible, but we aren't crossing our fingers."
“We weren’t surprised in the lack of a soul in either one of these two beings,” said Bertone. “While the incidence of soulless beings in the general population is almost zero, among the political class beings without a soul are pretty much the rule and not the exception.”
According to Catholic doctrine, a soul is defined as the ‘ultimate internal principle by which we think, feel and will, and by which our bodies are animated’.
“Yeah, neither one of them have that,” said Bertone. “Not a scintilla of it.”
Bertone said that he and members of his commission spent hours interviewing both men.
"At first Governor Scott invoked his 5th amendment right not to answer our questions," said Bertone. "After he understood that we weren't investigating the legality of his former dealings he warmed up to us. We found, however, that inside he was as black as night."
Former Governor Crist gave the team a much warmer reception.
"He was a very nice man," said Bertone. "Unfortunately, we could find no core values in the creature."
The Vatican has been interviewing politicians for decades trying to locate one that might have a soul but without success.
"From Nixon right on down to Nancy Pelosi we've come up snake eyes," said Bertone. "Some guy named Cruz in Texas is a possible, but we aren't crossing our fingers."
Monday, October 20, 2014
Sex Crime Set For Trial Tuesday
KEY WEST, FL (AIP) – Senior Court Clerk Andy Rawl, in a desperate attempt to stop the inevitable Lewd and Lascivious trial set to begin in his division on Tuesday at the Monroe County court house, has contacted private attorney Ryan Mingor and asked him to schedule a jail visit with Dieter Monroe, the defendant in the case.
“If anyone can stop this trial, it’s Mingor,” said Rawl, a 19-year veteran in the Monroe County Clerk of the Court's office. “I’ve seen him do it before. He’s my only hope.
"He's not involved in the case, but I asked him to visit the defendant as a friend of the clerk."
Mingor has something of a reputation in Florida’s 16th judicial circuit. In his 20-year career as a criminal defense attorney, Mingor has successfully talked 14 of his clients into committing suicide before trial, thereby saving the justice system untold hundreds of thousands of dollars.
“I guess it’s a gift,” said Mingor. “I have an honest talk with my clients and tell them what is likely to occur if a jury finds them guilty. The result is often pretty grim and occasionally some of them do the right thing. Not many of my clients end up going to prison.”
“I have been pretty much without hope since I found out that the trial is going,” said Rawl, who hates trials with a passion that few outsiders can understand. “Then I asked Ryan if he would visit the defendant in an unofficial capacity and just have a talk with him.”
Legal experts agree that a defendant electing suicide is often the easiest way to resolve an especially complex legal case short of trial.
“My clients are not an especially bright lot of people,” said Mingor. “But they do have an almost animal-like aversion to pain, particularly violent anal rape and 10 or 12 years of that isn’t going to be appealing to anyone."
"It pisses me off," said Assistant State Attorney Todd Prestimous. "I spend an entire weekend in trial prep. Mingor goes to visit his client at the jail on Friday and then trial day on Tuesday they find the guy hanging from his shoelaces in his cell."
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“If anyone can stop this trial, it’s Mingor,” said Rawl, a 19-year veteran in the Monroe County Clerk of the Court's office. “I’ve seen him do it before. He’s my only hope.
"He's not involved in the case, but I asked him to visit the defendant as a friend of the clerk."
Mingor has something of a reputation in Florida’s 16th judicial circuit. In his 20-year career as a criminal defense attorney, Mingor has successfully talked 14 of his clients into committing suicide before trial, thereby saving the justice system untold hundreds of thousands of dollars.
“I guess it’s a gift,” said Mingor. “I have an honest talk with my clients and tell them what is likely to occur if a jury finds them guilty. The result is often pretty grim and occasionally some of them do the right thing. Not many of my clients end up going to prison.”
“I have been pretty much without hope since I found out that the trial is going,” said Rawl, who hates trials with a passion that few outsiders can understand. “Then I asked Ryan if he would visit the defendant in an unofficial capacity and just have a talk with him.”
Legal experts agree that a defendant electing suicide is often the easiest way to resolve an especially complex legal case short of trial.
“My clients are not an especially bright lot of people,” said Mingor. “But they do have an almost animal-like aversion to pain, particularly violent anal rape and 10 or 12 years of that isn’t going to be appealing to anyone."
"It pisses me off," said Assistant State Attorney Todd Prestimous. "I spend an entire weekend in trial prep. Mingor goes to visit his client at the jail on Friday and then trial day on Tuesday they find the guy hanging from his shoelaces in his cell."
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Bidetgate Nearly Stops Debate
DAVIE, FL (AIP) – The Florida gubernatorial debate between incumbent Republician Governor Rick Scott and challenger and former Governor Charlie Crist almost didn’t occur Thursday night when Scott learned that Crist had a bidet installed behind the lectern on stage at the campus of Broward College.
“Clearly a bidet is a violation of the previously agreed to rules that we had in place,” said Scott spokesman Manuel Fuente. “It certainly gave Crist an unfair advantage and allowed him to be cleaner and fresher than Governor Scott.”
Crist, the Democratic, Republican, Bull Moose, Copperhead, Libertarian, Independent candidate for governor was quick to disagree.
“Each side was allowed a toilet behind their respective lecterns,” said Crist in a telephone interview. “Where I come from a toilet and bidet are natural companions and I think that most Floridians would agree with me. Tidy sanitation is an important issue for the people of Florida. I guess that’s just one more thing that Governor Scott doesn’t understand about Floridians.”
The debate itself, while being completely without substance and nearly worthless as a gage of either candidate’s true political leanings, was delayed six minutes while Scott kicked a dog he and wife Ann Scott had adopted as a political ploy during the last election.
“Both candidates are completely full of shit, and thus the need for toilets behind both lecterns,” said political analyst Susan Mantooth, a political science professor at the University of Florida. “Toilets behind the lecterns allow the debate to flow naturally and without interruption. A bidet is perhaps stretching things a bit, but Governor Scott really should have just gone on stage and debated without making such a big deal of things.”
The final debate, to be held at the University of Miami, will have toilets, bidets and showers behind each lectern for both candidates.
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“Clearly a bidet is a violation of the previously agreed to rules that we had in place,” said Scott spokesman Manuel Fuente. “It certainly gave Crist an unfair advantage and allowed him to be cleaner and fresher than Governor Scott.”
Crist, the Democratic, Republican, Bull Moose, Copperhead, Libertarian, Independent candidate for governor was quick to disagree.
“Each side was allowed a toilet behind their respective lecterns,” said Crist in a telephone interview. “Where I come from a toilet and bidet are natural companions and I think that most Floridians would agree with me. Tidy sanitation is an important issue for the people of Florida. I guess that’s just one more thing that Governor Scott doesn’t understand about Floridians.”
The debate itself, while being completely without substance and nearly worthless as a gage of either candidate’s true political leanings, was delayed six minutes while Scott kicked a dog he and wife Ann Scott had adopted as a political ploy during the last election.
“Both candidates are completely full of shit, and thus the need for toilets behind both lecterns,” said political analyst Susan Mantooth, a political science professor at the University of Florida. “Toilets behind the lecterns allow the debate to flow naturally and without interruption. A bidet is perhaps stretching things a bit, but Governor Scott really should have just gone on stage and debated without making such a big deal of things.”
The final debate, to be held at the University of Miami, will have toilets, bidets and showers behind each lectern for both candidates.
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