GLENNEAGLES, SCOTLAND (AIP) – Ryder Cup officials announced that the plane carrying the United States Ryder Cup team has been hijacked by terrorists connected with the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) and forced to divert and land somewhere in Northern Iraq and have threatened to behead each player on the team.
A spokesman for the Professional Golf Association (PGA) was quick to react.
“I hope they cut the fucking heads off of every one of those guys,” said PGA vice president Herb Langerfeld. “They embarrassed the entire nation with their weak-assed, duffer-like play. To ISIL I say ‘the sooner, the better’ and ‘send us video proof quickly’”.
Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Barak Obama was clearly angry with this latest development.
“I play a little golf myself and I, along with the rest of the country, was appalled at that piss poor collections of players,” said Obama. “The combined security forces of the United States will not, I repeat not, be looking to rescue the team. The possible exceptions to that being we might try to find Patrick Reed and Jordan Spieth. The others will get what they so richly deserve.”
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Woman Killed At Orlando Theme Park
Orlando (AIP) – A 42-year old wife and mother of four was killed at Disney World’s Magic Kingdom Wednesday when what horrified onlookers say was a 7 foot grizzly bear mauled and partially ate the woman as she stood in line with her family outside Disney’s Space Mountain thrill ride.
“It was horrific,” said Megan Potter, from Toledo, OH, who watched the grizzly kill Amanda Sorreto just after 2:00 p.m.. “At first we all thought the bear was some sort of new animatronics or an actor in a costume. Then the thing clawed her with his paw and bite off most of her left shoulder. It chewed on her for a while and then just lumbered off.”
Disney officials were baffled by the event.
“We aren’t sure how a grizzly bear, which isn’t native to Florida, actually gained entry to the park,” said Disney Spokesman Conner Oday. “It’s the damndest thing.”
A similar death occurred at the park in 2012 when a pack of wolves killed several Chinese tourists near Splash Mountain. There was also an incident in 1989 when a Chupacabra took the life of a 14-year old girl scout outside Peter Pan’s Flight.
Legal experts point to the 1989 killing as the impetuous for the Florida Legislature to pass the 1990 “You’ve Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me” law that specifically exempts theme parks and other tourist destinations from legal liability when guests are killing in ways that are considered bizarre or strange.
“It’s like the law was tailor made for this incident,” said Osceola County Sheriff Dewayne Stutts. “We’ve decided not to investigate at all, other than to see if the law against feeding nuisance animals was violated.”
Sorreto’s husband Thomas said that he was saddened by the incident but he and his four children “still had a pretty fun day regardless.”
“The kids were sad at first but we had a blast later down on Main Street and they were just fine,” said Sorreto.
“It was horrific,” said Megan Potter, from Toledo, OH, who watched the grizzly kill Amanda Sorreto just after 2:00 p.m.. “At first we all thought the bear was some sort of new animatronics or an actor in a costume. Then the thing clawed her with his paw and bite off most of her left shoulder. It chewed on her for a while and then just lumbered off.”
Disney officials were baffled by the event.
“We aren’t sure how a grizzly bear, which isn’t native to Florida, actually gained entry to the park,” said Disney Spokesman Conner Oday. “It’s the damndest thing.”
A similar death occurred at the park in 2012 when a pack of wolves killed several Chinese tourists near Splash Mountain. There was also an incident in 1989 when a Chupacabra took the life of a 14-year old girl scout outside Peter Pan’s Flight.
Legal experts point to the 1989 killing as the impetuous for the Florida Legislature to pass the 1990 “You’ve Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me” law that specifically exempts theme parks and other tourist destinations from legal liability when guests are killing in ways that are considered bizarre or strange.
“It’s like the law was tailor made for this incident,” said Osceola County Sheriff Dewayne Stutts. “We’ve decided not to investigate at all, other than to see if the law against feeding nuisance animals was violated.”
Sorreto’s husband Thomas said that he was saddened by the incident but he and his four children “still had a pretty fun day regardless.”
“The kids were sad at first but we had a blast later down on Main Street and they were just fine,” said Sorreto.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Moderate Islamic Group Receives Military Aid
WASHINGTON (AIP) – In what some are calling a stunning development, an envoy from the self-proclaimed non-radical Islamists For United Caring Universally faction (IFUCU) has arrived in the nation’s capitol to seek arms and financial support for their fight against the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL).
“We are not like those ISIL guys,” said IFUCU envoy Muhammad Abu-Penn, formerly a Huntington Beach, CA grocery store bag boy and part time convenience store clerk who traveled to Syria 18 months ago to allegedly wage war against ISIL. “We are the opposite of those people.
“We reattach the severed heads of decapitated western hostages, restore the hymens of girls raped by ISIL terrorists and reanimate the corpses of executed Iraqi soldiers. We’re the good guys you’ve been looking for.”
President Barak Obama met with Abu-Penn for five hours on Tuesday and had nothing but praise for IFUCU.
“These are really good folks,” said Obama at a joint news conference with Abu-Penn. “I have pledged Envoy Abu-Penn that the United States would provide both light and heavy weapons and $50,000,000.00 in direct financial aid to help in their fight against ISIL.”
Republican Senator Michael Nye (R, Nebraska) was skeptical of IFUCU’s claims.
“None of this has been independently verified,” said Nye. “Reattaching heads? Reanimating corpses? Restoring hymens? That is fantastical on its face. I have to call bullshit on all of this.“
Contacted hours after Senator Nye’s comments while boarding a cargo ship bound for Syria containing the bulk of promised weapons for the United States, Abu-Penn was dismissive of the Senator’s disbelief.
“That’s nonsense,” said Abu-Penn, waiving a $50,000,000.00 money order from the US government. “We’re those moderate Muslims that you people have been looking for for so long with such little success. We’re on your side. You can trust us. See ya.”
“We are not like those ISIL guys,” said IFUCU envoy Muhammad Abu-Penn, formerly a Huntington Beach, CA grocery store bag boy and part time convenience store clerk who traveled to Syria 18 months ago to allegedly wage war against ISIL. “We are the opposite of those people.
“We reattach the severed heads of decapitated western hostages, restore the hymens of girls raped by ISIL terrorists and reanimate the corpses of executed Iraqi soldiers. We’re the good guys you’ve been looking for.”
President Barak Obama met with Abu-Penn for five hours on Tuesday and had nothing but praise for IFUCU.
“These are really good folks,” said Obama at a joint news conference with Abu-Penn. “I have pledged Envoy Abu-Penn that the United States would provide both light and heavy weapons and $50,000,000.00 in direct financial aid to help in their fight against ISIL.”
Republican Senator Michael Nye (R, Nebraska) was skeptical of IFUCU’s claims.
“None of this has been independently verified,” said Nye. “Reattaching heads? Reanimating corpses? Restoring hymens? That is fantastical on its face. I have to call bullshit on all of this.“
Contacted hours after Senator Nye’s comments while boarding a cargo ship bound for Syria containing the bulk of promised weapons for the United States, Abu-Penn was dismissive of the Senator’s disbelief.
“That’s nonsense,” said Abu-Penn, waiving a $50,000,000.00 money order from the US government. “We’re those moderate Muslims that you people have been looking for for so long with such little success. We’re on your side. You can trust us. See ya.”
Thursday, September 18, 2014
NFL Commissioner Unveils New Domestic Violence Program
CANTON, OH (AIP) – Recognizing the need to stem the increasing incidents of domestic incidents among professional football players, Nation Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell, in a press conference at the Pro Football Hall of Fame, has announced that he has a put in motion a plan to quell the violence.
“This is a league problem and needs to be dealt with by the league and not the individual players,” said Goodell. “Far too many of our young men have fallen in with loud-mouth, no account, in your face ho’s and bitches. I personally plan to shut them up.”
To that end Goodell has announced that he has begun a program where he is personally traveling to every NFL team and individually ‘bitch-slapping and ho-bashing’ the wives and significant others of every player on the active roster of every one of the 32 teams.
Goodell has already made three visits.
“I have backhanded, bitch-slapped, cold cocked and ass whooped 156 women so far,” said Goodell. “I’ve scored 32 one-punch knock outs, 28 orbital bone or other facial fractures and I haven’t even counted the black eyes. I have a small black velvet bag jammed full of the teeth I have knocked out in an attempt to put these women in their place.
“If I didn’t do something we wouldn’t have enough non-suspended players to field teams on Sundays.”
All Pro running back Maurice Paddington is, for one, grateful that the league is finally taking action.
“I had no idea what a bitch Tammy was when I married her,” said Paddington. “Always with the mouth, that one. But after Commissioner Goddell’s little talk with her the bitch don’t say ‘Boo’ without express,written permission from the NFL. It’s going to take a while for her black eyes to go away but that’s a small price to pay.”
“I’ve got 29 teams left to deal with. That’s 1404 women to teach lessons to,” said Goodell. “All I can tell them is to watch their backs.”
Women’s rights groups, who have long complained about domestic violence in the NFL, were afraid to comment when contacted.
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
“This is a league problem and needs to be dealt with by the league and not the individual players,” said Goodell. “Far too many of our young men have fallen in with loud-mouth, no account, in your face ho’s and bitches. I personally plan to shut them up.”
To that end Goodell has announced that he has begun a program where he is personally traveling to every NFL team and individually ‘bitch-slapping and ho-bashing’ the wives and significant others of every player on the active roster of every one of the 32 teams.
Goodell has already made three visits.
“I have backhanded, bitch-slapped, cold cocked and ass whooped 156 women so far,” said Goodell. “I’ve scored 32 one-punch knock outs, 28 orbital bone or other facial fractures and I haven’t even counted the black eyes. I have a small black velvet bag jammed full of the teeth I have knocked out in an attempt to put these women in their place.
“If I didn’t do something we wouldn’t have enough non-suspended players to field teams on Sundays.”
All Pro running back Maurice Paddington is, for one, grateful that the league is finally taking action.
“I had no idea what a bitch Tammy was when I married her,” said Paddington. “Always with the mouth, that one. But after Commissioner Goddell’s little talk with her the bitch don’t say ‘Boo’ without express,written permission from the NFL. It’s going to take a while for her black eyes to go away but that’s a small price to pay.”
“I’ve got 29 teams left to deal with. That’s 1404 women to teach lessons to,” said Goodell. “All I can tell them is to watch their backs.”
Women’s rights groups, who have long complained about domestic violence in the NFL, were afraid to comment when contacted.
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Hall Admits, Faces Music
LARGO, FL(AIP)- Largo resident Randy Hall admitted that he 'just didn't have the juice' to hang with friends Michelle and Bill.
"Hall said 'lets go out and hang'" said Michelle. "We took him up on the offer and he bailed."
"Fuck me, I got 12 years on both of them combined," said Hall. "DAMN."
"Clearly Hall pussied out on us," said Michelle, speaking on the condition that we use her first name only. "Jeez, since I've known him he's been damn near worthless. "
Critics of Hall had a field day.
"Yep, I knew it", said Colleen Brown. "Loser."
"I'd like to squeeze his throat closed, but the son of a bitch has no neck", said Debbie Johnson, one of Hall's former wives.
Bill was more forgiving.
"Damn it, the man's a zero," said Bill. "Can we move on? Nothing to see here."
"I wish he would just die," said Michelle "Why won't he die?"
"Hall said 'lets go out and hang'" said Michelle. "We took him up on the offer and he bailed."
"Fuck me, I got 12 years on both of them combined," said Hall. "DAMN."
"Clearly Hall pussied out on us," said Michelle, speaking on the condition that we use her first name only. "Jeez, since I've known him he's been damn near worthless. "
Critics of Hall had a field day.
"Yep, I knew it", said Colleen Brown. "Loser."
"I'd like to squeeze his throat closed, but the son of a bitch has no neck", said Debbie Johnson, one of Hall's former wives.
Bill was more forgiving.
"Damn it, the man's a zero," said Bill. "Can we move on? Nothing to see here."
"I wish he would just die," said Michelle "Why won't he die?"
Monday, September 15, 2014
Hillhouse Stays The Course
SODDY-DAISY, TN (AIP) – Despite the fact that she occasionally ‘gets snaky’ Chad Hillhouse is still happy with his high maintenance girlfriend Lakota Custard whose outbursts of anger and stored up distrust have almost cost Hillhouse his life on more than one occasion.
“Oh, she’s definitely a cunt,” said Hillhouse, sipping a beer beside the pool at his parent’s home where he retreated after their last blowout. “She’s embarrassed me in front of friends, gone off on me in public and has pitched a bitch when she thought a waitress wasn’t being deferential enough to her at a diner, but I’ve learned to overlook most of it. I guess she’s okay in my book.”
Hillhouse’s friends disagree.
“She actually snapped her fingers under my nose like some proctor in an English public school,” said long-time Hillhouse friend Vander Mitchell. “She thought I was being disrespectful to her when Chad and I were joking about string theory one night in a physics discussion at the bar. She thought I was laughing about her. She was dead wrong and I would have punched her in the mouth but Chad gave me that ‘sorry dude’ look so I just let it go."
“Mega-bitch,” said Dr. Maurice McMillan, a childhood friend of Hillhouse and his personal physician. “She has a black heart. Seriously, I’m her doctor and have seen the color doppler sonograms of the thing. It’s black as a coal mine at midnight.
“Chad confided in me that the girl has to sleep in a freezer once a week to keep the blood in her veins ice cold.”
Nevertheless, Hillhouse has stated that he intends to remain with Custard.
“Really, she’s okay the majority of the time,” he said. “I mean, don’t most girls destroy the crockery and flatten the tires of the men they love? I mean, I can put up with it. Everything I say and do and think is ripe for misinterpretation and she gainsays my every positive action. Let's put is this way, I'm listening to one hell of a lot of Nirvana and really identifying with it.”
“Oh, she’s definitely a cunt,” said Hillhouse, sipping a beer beside the pool at his parent’s home where he retreated after their last blowout. “She’s embarrassed me in front of friends, gone off on me in public and has pitched a bitch when she thought a waitress wasn’t being deferential enough to her at a diner, but I’ve learned to overlook most of it. I guess she’s okay in my book.”
Hillhouse’s friends disagree.
“She actually snapped her fingers under my nose like some proctor in an English public school,” said long-time Hillhouse friend Vander Mitchell. “She thought I was being disrespectful to her when Chad and I were joking about string theory one night in a physics discussion at the bar. She thought I was laughing about her. She was dead wrong and I would have punched her in the mouth but Chad gave me that ‘sorry dude’ look so I just let it go."
“Mega-bitch,” said Dr. Maurice McMillan, a childhood friend of Hillhouse and his personal physician. “She has a black heart. Seriously, I’m her doctor and have seen the color doppler sonograms of the thing. It’s black as a coal mine at midnight.
“Chad confided in me that the girl has to sleep in a freezer once a week to keep the blood in her veins ice cold.”
Nevertheless, Hillhouse has stated that he intends to remain with Custard.
“Really, she’s okay the majority of the time,” he said. “I mean, don’t most girls destroy the crockery and flatten the tires of the men they love? I mean, I can put up with it. Everything I say and do and think is ripe for misinterpretation and she gainsays my every positive action. Let's put is this way, I'm listening to one hell of a lot of Nirvana and really identifying with it.”
Friday, September 12, 2014
Unfortunately
LARGO (AIP) - Today, September 12, 2014, the author of this blog can think of absolutely nothing funny to write about. I am, oddly, at a loss.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)