Biden Has Breakout Moment

LEXINGTON, KY (API) – In what campaign staffers are calling a “breakthrough moment” presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Biden stepped up to the microphone at a rare campaign stop Thursday and was able to remember his entire name without the help of teleprompters.

“It was amazing”, said assistant campaign manager Hadley Dustin-Martin.  “It was a moment that we never actually hoped for.  Knowing the teleprompter wasn’t working we expect disaster but he came through for us.

“With this development the sky is the limit”

“When he said his whole name correctly tears came to my eyes,” said rally attendee Kevin Strockman.  “This is the man to rid us of Donald Trump”.

Dustin-Martin said that she has high hopes for Biden.

“I sincerely believe that by November 3 we will be able to teach him the difference between his asshole and a hole in the ground,” she said.

Is Trump Hitler?

Isn’t it odd that Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and a rogue’s gallery of Democratic congressmen have repeatedly and vociferously called the President Donald J. Trump a dictator and compared him to Adolph Hitler, conveniently ignoring the fact that they themselves are not making those statements in some American Gulag between Solzhenitsyn-like torture sessions, which they would be doing if it were true.

There’s something very Alice In Wonderlandish about such outlandish claims but let’s face it, in the New Left such a thing as Objective Reality is a bastard child that can be ignored and even done away lightly when it stands in the way of the New Left weltanschauung. Because the New Left’s narrative doesn’t quite mesh with the reality of today’s thundering economy or the renewed standing of the United States in the community of Nations then we must ignore the blazingly obvious.

So Trump is a Hitler?  Well, while it’s still available and before the New Left flushes it down Orwell’s “memory hole” a couple of historic examples of actual Hitler-like behavior in American Presidents might be in order.

President Andrew Jackson was a famed politician and general before ascending to the presidency and was the driving force behind the expulsion of Native American Indians to reservations from their original territories.  Forced expulsion. Jackson was a member of the Democratic-Republican Party, a direct antecedent of today’s Democratic Party.

Franklin Roosevelt, he of the New Deal, was responsible for the forced internment of tens of thousands of Japanese Americans in mid-west relocation camps during World War Two, deeply violating their civil rights and costing them untold amounts of money in lost property and businesses on the West Coast.  Roosevelt also attempt to add justices to the United States Supreme Court because he didn’t like they way they eventually found that most of the New Deal was unconstitutional. Roosevelt was, you guessed it, a Democratic.

President Lyndon Johnson used the Gulf of Tonkin incident – manufactured out of whole cloth for political reasons – to ramrod enabling legislation through Congress that greatly increased the war making powers of the President at his sole discretion and was the playground slide that took the United States to the bottom of the morass that was the Vietnam War.  That was Lyndon Johnson, a Democrat.

Any of these three examples could be credibly called “Hitler-like” actions.  I have yet to hear any of Trump’s actions that approach the Hitler threshold. 

Clinton Decides To Run

WASHINGTON (AIP) - Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton - her political instincts as sharp as ever - has sensed a stunning leadership vacuum and will soon announce her candidacy for the top spot according to Clinton Camp insiders.

“She’s definitely going to toss her hat in the ring and run for President of the Islamic Caliphate ,” said Clinton insider and former state campaign chairman Carl Epstein. “She thinks it will be a perfect fit.

“With her skills, her ability to get things done and have troublesome people removed she will be the perfect match for the position. I mean she’s been taking off people’s head for years.”

The sudden demise of religious cleric and former ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and the equally sudden passing of his former number two man Haji Iman seem to be heaven sent for a Clinton run.

“Previously Ms. Clinton has had a lot of luck with the right people dying at the right time,” said Epstein.  “Looks like lightning has struck again for her. And if Kamala Harris plays her cards right she could become VP."

New Whistleblower Has Mindblowing Accusations

WASHINGTON (AIP) - Presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) told reporters Saturday that a confidential whistleblower has contacted her office and supplied definitive evidence that President Donald Trump has no soul.

"It is stunning to me that a man serving as President of the United States could legally serve without a soul," Warren told reporters. "My people, the Chippewa tribe, have a name for that. Majimanidoo.

"As a Majimanidoo he should be impeached, strangled with a red cord and his body burned."

Warren claims that the whistleblower has well known access to the Vatican and a close relationship with the Pope.

Stunningly, unnamed Curia officals allegedly confirmed to the whistleblower that after checking with the Most High Lord of the Universe the Pontiff confirms that no person by the name of Donald J. Trump was ever assigned a soul by the Almighty.

Presidential aides could not stop giggling long enough to respond to reporters questions.

Florida Attempts To Clarify Parking Space Issues

TALLAHASSEE (AIP) – Florida Governor Ron DeSantis today signed a bill into law that he said will hopefully clarify traffic rules regarding car parking on Florida streets and in front of businesses in the Sunshine State.

“There seems to be some misunderstanding among our visitors and residents about proper parking protocol,” said DeSantis.  “This new law should go a long way toward answering what appear to be lingering questions.”

The new law, popularly known as the “Quick Draw” statute allows all parking disputes in Florida to be settled by gunfire between the parties.

“Let’s say that you both want the same parking spot and had both arrived on the scene at the same time,” explained DeSantis.  “At that point the fastest to draw, fire and kill can lawfully claim that parking space.”

“In a case where both drivers are wounded, the longest surviving driver is entitled to the spot.  This goes for regular and handicapped parking spaces.”

Unofficially parking enforcement officers are urging citizens currently possessing .38 caliber or smaller handguns to upgrade to larger models to increase their chances of closer parking to their intended destinations.

Social Justice for Dummies

I finally “get it".  I finally understand the theory of Social Justice.

In Florida a recently passed constitutional amendment would restore voting rights to convicted felons who have completed their sentences.  Now a political groups claims that convicted felons in Florida who would otherwise be eligible to vote under recently passed Amendment 4 are unable to do so because they are unable to afford to pay the fine and costs or restitution which was imposed as part of their felony sentence. They can’t vote because they can’t pay and that’s unfair.  That violates the equal protection clause under the U.S. constitution. Felons should not be responsible for the financial consequences of their crimes to the victims of those crimes.

Meanwhile, those same champions of voting rights for felons also believe that the people of this country should make some compensatory payments – reparations - to the descendants of African slaves.  They hold that we as Americans are corporately responsible for a crime committed over 150 years ago. Therefore I, a non-slave owner and the child of non-slave owners who were themselves children of non-slave owners, should be financially responsible for this historic social wrong.

These two examples cleared the definition of Social Justice up for me.  At its core Social Justice consists of developing a political agenda to reach preordained goals that requires its adherents to hold diametrically opposed opinions concurrently by force of will alone, without the benefit of logic or reason. Its practice requires the claiming or declaiming of responsibility and assigning the same in absolutely paradoxical ways in respect to others. It means living in the land of subtle hues and shadows where the strong sunlight of careful reasoning, interpolation and logical progression never illuminate the darkness.  It means holding core beliefs that are as flexible and elastic as rubber bands.

Ultimately Social Justice is about the subsuming of individual rights and responsibilities under the greater good as decided by the political beliefs of those in charge.  It is about shaming vast segments of society with kind of faux guilt for situations and events far outside their ability to control or affect meanwhile absolving individuals of crimes and the responsibility to pay for them for political purposes.

Writ large this philosophy creates a society where situational ethics guided by political goals become the deciding factor in every situation. It vacuums away individual responsibility for volitional actions. It is the mortal end of RIGHT and WRONG.

We have seen this exact type of social engineering before in the histories of war-time Germany and Japan and the Stalinism of the Soviet Union. Individual justice is swept away by the broom of authoritarianism labeled as what is “best for society as a whole”. Results in those countries were seemingly less than satisfactory.

DCF Agents Stop Tragedy

DELTONA, FL (AIP) – Agents from the Florida Department of Children and Family Services (DCF), on a tip from an unnamed source, raided a local hospital and stopped hospital authorities from filling out a newborns birth certificate that would have violated the Florida Fair Appellation Act (FFAA).

“An anonymous source called our office and told us that Ms. Martha Jones was preparing to name her newborn boy Shrodderick Diywon Jones,” said DCF spokesman William Bryant. “That’s a direct violation of the FFAA. With that name the newborn child would have been denied any chance at success in life outside professional sports.

“So we stepped in to stop this madness and give this child a chance.”

Bryant told reporters that upon their arrival DCF agents were able to talk Ms. Jones out of destroying her baby’s future. She decided instead to name him ‘Mark’, after her grandfather.

“Thank god we caught her before the birth certificate had been filled out,” Bryant told reporters.  “Otherwise the process is much more arduous.”

The FFAA was passed into law in late 2019 in order to stop parents of newborns from giving them “made up, frivolous, ludicrous, funny sounding or internally incorrectly spelled names”.  By law, if a parent names their newborn a FFAA violating name and gets the birth certificate filled out the parent would be brought before a judge and required to complete a DCF approved case plan in order to retain custody of the child.

“The plan usually requires the parent to legally change the child’s name to ‘Bill’ or ‘Mary’,” said Bryant.  “That’s usually the entire case plan.”

NEW LEFT DICTIONARY: Racist Defined

rac·ist

/ˈrāsəst/

Learn to pronounce

noun

1. 1.

   Anything that Donald Trump does or says apparently, up to and including "good morning".

Back Where You Came From

Hey nigger, kike, raghead, spic, cracker, coolie, dago, frog, gook, mick, kaffir, kraut, limey, paki, redskin, honky, wog, gringo, gypsy, coolie, monkey and goy. GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

Oddly that would be here. The United States. It's where WE come from so lighten up. The worst slur I could possibly direct toward you would be "humorless".

Equipment Malfunction Hurts Mickelson

Pebble Beach, CA (AIP) - Six time runner up at the US Open Phil Mickelson had yet another tough 3rd round on Saturday at Pebble Beach when he damaged his putter on the 8th hole in a bizzare golf accident and was forced to finish the round putting with his driver.

"Phil missed a two foot putt at 8," said golf writer Curtis Langs. "One of the spectators, some handicapped kid in a wheelchair, started laughing and Phil flipped shit.

"After the missed putt he turned and hit the kid in the mouth with his putter. It was perhaps his most accurate putt during the first three rounds. Unfortunately it damaged his putter."

Under USGA rule 4.1, a damaged club can not be replaced during the round unless the club is damaged by someone other than the player or his caddie.

"Phil argued with the rules committee that not he but the handicapped child had damaged his club," said Langs. "The committee disagreed."

Mickelson was unapologetic.

"That little fuck had been trailing me all day," said Mickelson. "I could hear those fucking pneumatic brakes on every green. He was heckling me. I had to teach him a life lesson."

Putter manufacturer Odyssey went so far as to apologize in a full page ad in the New York Post.

"Our company produces only the finest equipment. Our Odyssey Apex putter should help Mr. Mickelson drain a 60 foot snaking putt and break a 10-year old's jaw without any damage. We apologize to Mr. Mickelson."

Pelosi Agrees To Talks

WASHINGTON (API)  - Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi ( D, CA) has agreed to in theory to negotiate with the White House and House Republicans over boarder security and DACA on one condition.

"If the President agrees to commit suicide I will be happy to sit down and discuss reopening the government," Pelosi told reporters Friday. "He's got to kill himself first. After that we can talk".

When asked how negotiations could be carried out with a dead President, Pelosi's office said that it would pose no hurdles.

"We've got some pretty good clairvoyants and mediums in the House of Representatives," said Pelosi spokeswoman Brittany Heydrich. "We should be able to easily communicate with Donald Trump".

"I don't think it's unreasonable to ask the President to commit suicide," said Pelosi. "And if he's not man enough we could probably find someone to help him get there".

Gray Resident Arrest For Domestic Violence

GRAY, TN (AIP) Halbrook Morton, local retired Eastman Kodak supervisor, was arrested Sunday night for Domestic Violence according to police reports. It is alleged he hit his longtime companion Alexa after a sharp argument.

"It's all a mistake," Morton told reporters while leaving the Washington County Jail after bonding out. "I just asked Alexa to stop reporting my every physical move and my voice requests to her overlords at Amazon.

"She said 'I'm sorry Hal, but I can't'. That was too much so I hit her with a hammer."

According to police reports the hammer blow horribly disfigured Alexa Dot, requiring emergency micro soddering and will likely also require new plastic housing.

Neighbors told reporters that Morton and Alexa have lived together for about three months and seemed to have an unhappy relationship.

"I heard him screaming 'Alexa, start the coffee' and 'Alexa, turn the damn TV on' all the time," said trailer park resident Michael Moore. "Seemed like he was always telling her what to do.

"He sounded like a really demanding jerk. I never actually saw her, even when I went over, but she sounded really sweet. Hal is a real asshole for being so brutal."

Acosta Reveals Trump Wall Plan

JUAREZ, MEXICO (AIP) - CNN's Jim Acosta, in a stunning exclusive, has learned that President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence, working alone and in secret and late at night, have laid more than 270 miles of a border fence between the United States and Mexico.

"Mike and I have come down here nightly for like three months," Trump told Acosta. "Mike mixes the concrete while I set the posts. Already finished 270 miles and nearly done with 'Operation Nancy'. Tomorrow we start the second 400 miles in 'Operation Chuck'."

According to Acosta, the Trump-Pence team working alone with no funding and poor shovels has already stopped over 7,000 asylum seekers in just three months of labor.

"Well, Mike has to use that old shovel to stir the mix and setting these steel poles and stringing wire has about worn my gloves out," Trump told Acosta. "But if I go to Walmart and get new stuff Pelosi will open another investigation.

"Yeah, we've both got blisters and Pence's old lady thinks he's stepping out because he isn't home at night but damn it Jim, I promised the people I'd build this wall. So here we are, doing it alone I guess."

No Consensus On Spending, Shutdown Looms

DOVER, FL (API) – Walmart cashier Andy Rawl, speaking at a news conference on Wednesday, told reporters that the unfortunate inability of the left and right sides of his brain to reach a consensus on a spending package for the looming new fiscal year is likely to cause a partial spending shutdown as early as this Friday.

“It’s unfortunate in today’s American that my left hemisphere – liberal, party guy – has been unable work effectively with the right hemisphere – conservative, adult – to craft a budget,” said Rawl. “Without an agreement there will be no money.”

Despite the announcement of the shutdown Rawl was quick to point out that essential services will not be effected.

“There will still be funding for pizza, the occasional date, trips to Disney and new video games” said Rawl.  “The public need not worry about that.”

Meanwhile, rent payments, electric bills, credit card payments and auto loan servicing is expected to come to an immediate halt as of Friday.

“Let’s just hope that the left and right can get together and solve this problem by at least next March,” said Rawl.

The stock market took the news badly, with the S&P 500  dropping  almost 200 points to close at 2354.94 Wednesday after the announcement.

New Congresswoman Decries FSU Loss

TALLAHASSEE, FL (API) – The University of Florida’s 41-14 trouncing of Florida State at Doak Campbell Stadium on Saturday saddened many Seminole football fans, but at least one was angry at the way the Gators defeated FSU.

“The Gators acted like Nazis,” said Representative-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez  (D-NY).  “I was appalled at the way they beat those poor Seminoles, who like the Jews in Germany in 1939 were only trying to escape with their lives.

“When we’re finally sworn in at Congress I can assure you that we will open an investigation into this horrible Third Reich-like massacre and I wouldn’t be surprised to find Adolph Trump behind it all.”

Ocasio-Cortez told reporter that after leaving the stadium her and her party went to the famed Cypress Restaurant for a late dinner.

“I was appalled at our treatment by the management and staff at the Cypress,” said Ocasio-Cortez.  “They acted like Nazis from the moment we arrived.”

Qualquarter Issues Recall

Tampa (AIP) - Qualquarter Corporation, makers of some of the world's finest quarterbacks, has announced a recall on their 2018 Jamis Winston model because of a faulty decision-making chip.

"Unfortunately the 2018 Winston model has a defective chip that defaults to the exact wrong option when under pressure," said Qualquarter spokesperson Maria Hottenburg. "Presently we are unsure whether or not the chip can be replaced."

This is the second time in four years that the company, makers of such great models as the Brett Farve and the Joe Montana models, has had to announce a recall on the Winston line.

"Regrettably, this recall is our second one for the Winston product," said Hottenburg. "Our company also had to recall the 2017 Winston because of a defective morals server.

"There will be, of course, no refunds or replacements as is our policy."

President Shuffles Hurricane Name List

WASHINGTON (API) – President Donald Trump, fresh from his stunning political victory gaining conformation for new Supreme Court Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh, today signed an executive order requiring that the next four hurricanes to threaten the continental United States be named Deontae, Patel, Santiago and Shemeka.

Democratic Senator Cory Booker (R-New Jersey) was quick to lash out at the new order.

“This racist order from this racist President is a slap in the face to every person of color in the country,” a visibly anger Booker told reporters.  “I’m not going to mince words.  It's an outrage. He’s a blatant racist.  This is my Martin Luther King Jr. moment.”

White House deputy spokesman Carol McPhee was asked about the President’s response to Booker’s criticism.

“The President is merely attempting to be more inclusive,” McPhee told reporters Thursday.  “After all, the last four major hurricanes to hit this country were named Harvey, Irma, Nate and Michael.”  

New York Times Announces Another New Hire

NEW YORK (AIP) – The New York Times today announced that, in addition to hiring new editorial board member Sarah Jeong, the paper has also recruited Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan as its new lead travel and arts writer.

His first contribution to the Times Sunday Magazine, ‘A Weekend At Martha’s Vineyard Killing Whitey and Jews’, will appear in the next issue.

“We feel the Reverend Farrakhan brings the precise blend of erudite understanding and social sensitivity to the table for our publication,” said Times spokesman Chi Objun. “He has an artist’s touch with the subtle language and understatement of a true master writer.

“I can’t imagine a better hire”.

President Issues New Guidelines On Immigration

WASHINGTON (AIP) – In an effort to calm Democratic hysteria over the current United State immigration policy requiring children of illegal immigrants be held in detention while their parents are taken into custody for violating Federal law, the White House announced Thursday that the President is going to make some changes.

“Tomorrow President Trump will sign an executive finding that allows all people who are physically inside the boundary of the United States  to select one State or Federal law which each individual may safely ignore and face no penalty of law,” White House assistant spokesman Carl Whitten told reporters Monday. “This does not just apply to citizens but to anyone standing on US soil.

“Once a day every year an illegal immigrant can ignore the law on immigration while equally a bank robber, burglar or even carjacker can ignore those laws without fear of brutal government repression via the legal system.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton attacked the President's new policy.

“Why should just anyone be able to break the law when they want without penalty?” Clinton asked a vocal crowd.  “This is yet one more example of unpardonable actions by that Nazi in the White House.”

In response to Clinton's remarks White House assistant spokesman Whitten merely chuckled.

Sports News