Biden Has Breakout Moment

LEXINGTON, KY (API) – In what campaign staffers are calling a “breakthrough moment” presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Biden stepped up to the microphone at a rare campaign stop Thursday and was able to remember his entire name without the help of teleprompters.

“It was amazing”, said assistant campaign manager Hadley Dustin-Martin.  “It was a moment that we never actually hoped for.  Knowing the teleprompter wasn’t working we expect disaster but he came through for us.

“With this development the sky is the limit”

“When he said his whole name correctly tears came to my eyes,” said rally attendee Kevin Strockman.  “This is the man to rid us of Donald Trump”.

Dustin-Martin said that she has high hopes for Biden.

“I sincerely believe that by November 3 we will be able to teach him the difference between his asshole and a hole in the ground,” she said.

Equipment Malfunction Hurts Mickelson

Pebble Beach, CA (AIP) - Six time runner up at the US Open Phil Mickelson had yet another tough 3rd round on Saturday at Pebble Beach when he damaged his putter on the 8th hole in a bizzare golf accident and was forced to finish the round putting with his driver.

"Phil missed a two foot putt at 8," said golf writer Curtis Langs. "One of the spectators, some handicapped kid in a wheelchair, started laughing and Phil flipped shit.

"After the missed putt he turned and hit the kid in the mouth with his putter. It was perhaps his most accurate putt during the first three rounds. Unfortunately it damaged his putter."

Under USGA rule 4.1, a damaged club can not be replaced during the round unless the club is damaged by someone other than the player or his caddie.

"Phil argued with the rules committee that not he but the handicapped child had damaged his club," said Langs. "The committee disagreed."

Mickelson was unapologetic.

"That little fuck had been trailing me all day," said Mickelson. "I could hear those fucking pneumatic brakes on every green. He was heckling me. I had to teach him a life lesson."

Putter manufacturer Odyssey went so far as to apologize in a full page ad in the New York Post.

"Our company produces only the finest equipment. Our Odyssey Apex putter should help Mr. Mickelson drain a 60 foot snaking putt and break a 10-year old's jaw without any damage. We apologize to Mr. Mickelson."

Local Man Tells All About Breakup

CHIEFLAND, FL (AIP) - Telling reporters that it's taken him a long time to come to grips with the breakup, Circle K assistant manager and local resident Andy Rawl said he is finally ready to talk about his former relationship with recording artist Fergie.

"A couple months after we broke up she came out with that damn song," said Rawl (Big Girls Don't Cry.
https://youtu.be/agrXgrAgQ0U )

"Right away I had people stopping me on the street going 'Hey, you're that prick that hurt Fergie. What an asshole Dude. You ought to kill yourself.'

"It hurt man. It really hurt."

Rawl told reporters that he's ready to leave that part of his past behind.

"Neither the song nor the video happen to mention how her damn mom was always hanging around, telling me that I wasn't good enough for her daughter," said Rawl, becoming visibly angry. "And those guys in the band would come over and hang out and drink my beer, never offering to refill the fridge.

"I mean those guys would take nasty shits in the bathroom and never even flush. Filthy bastards."

And he wasn't done revealing secrets.

"You know at the beginning of that video when she's counting down the beat and the keyboardist is showing her his fingers?" asked Rawl. "Well that wasn't 'art'. The bitch couldn't count without a visual aid."



Rawl said he has moved on with his life.

"I'm dating Angie over at the Huddle Hut Restaurant," said Rawl. "She's cool and she's not writing deeply revealing hack job, man-hating, lesbian inspired bubblegum pop about the best damn thing she ever had."

Rawl visibly wavered on the podium before continuing.

"Damn it guys, that bitch stole my 2016 'Stang. I'm still making payments on it," said Rawl. "And Fergie, don't 'take it personal 'cause it has nothing to do with you' but I'm getting my car back bitch.

"Oh yeah, I also fucked your best friend".

"Ya'll come back next week," Rawl told reporters, "and I'll tell you about my break up with that bitch Alanis Morissette."

Fixer Upper New Season In The Works

WACO, TX (AIP) - Chip and Joanna Gains, popular hosts of television's home upgrade show Fixer Upper have announced this season's sole concentration will be on the new, hot "style de bande dessinée" style.

"It's all the rage and both Chip and I are really excited," Joanna told reporters at a news conference Monday. "It's simple yet elegant."

"Style de bande dessinée" is French for "Cartoon Style".

"A room generally centers around an amorphous blue or red couch, maybe a brown wood table, a floor lamp that is never actually on and something indefinable hanging on the wall," Gaines told reporters.

"Imagine every living room the Scooby Doo kids were ever in and you've got the general idea."


Martin Shriner, the season's first Fixer Upper client, was thrilled with the new look of his home.

"It's amazing," said Shriner. "It's like living in every cartoon I ever saw as a child and it came in incredibly under budget."

"We save a lot of our client's money because cartoon homes never have working bathrooms or kitchens. Cartoon characters never eat or crap so we don't worry about those two rooms."

Santa Announces A New Direction

NORTH POLE (AIP) – In what Wall Street insiders call a “realignment of corporate direction”, Senior Santa Claus spokesman Marvin Lewistein announced at the regular weekly press conference Thursday that going forward Mr. Claus would ignore Christmas requests from homeless kids.

“Mr. Claus has decided that the poor, homeless, destitute kids can pretty much fuck themselves come December 25th,” Lewistein told reporters. “The return on investment simply isn’t there. We’re taking our organization in a new direction.”

North Pole watchers said that the move has been in the works for months.

“Let’s face it, Santa is about dreaming with a gleam in your eye,” said longtime Santa Watcher Carol Blackmum. “He’s not about grim survival.

“Ask him for a Lexus and the odds are good you’ll get it. Ask him for underwear or pencils or food or you cancer medication and you’re shit out of luck.”

Shares of Kris Kringle Inc. rose 37 percent following the announcement.

UN Sanctions Hit North Korea Hard

FOSTER CITY, CA (AIP) – In a long awaited financial move dictated by new United Nations economic sanctions, financial services company Visa has cancelled North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s gold Visa card, a move that experts say will bring that country to its economic knees with a matter of days.

“We’ve got that little fucker now,” said Joint Chiefs of Staff vice chairman Major General Gabriel Conner. “No more big nights out for Kim and the boys. No more rewards points. It’s over for that country.

“I’m sure the look on Kim’s face will be priceless when his card is declined at Ikea.”

International banking expert Maurice Golden predicts that it may be only hours before the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea is economically paralyzed.

“Intelligence estimates indicate that Kim has about $126.00 in the bank at this time,” said Golden. “He’s probably got no more than a couple of bucks in his pockets. The server isn’t going to accept ICBMs to pay for the dinner bill.”

Photos smuggled out of North Korea appear to show the entire populace going through sofa seat cushions and pockets of pants they haven’t worn in a few weeks looking for lost change.

In a related move China has sealed its border with North Korea in order to deal with the expected flood of refugees expected to be fleeing North Korea.

“That country is now broke and with the holidays coming the people of North Korea are going to become very unhappy very shortly”, said Chinese spokesman Chao Chin.

Wells Fargo Whistle-Blower Stuns Congress

WASHINGTON (AIP) – In stunning testimony before the Senate Committee on Banking, Wells Fargo Bank whistleblower Marie Colton told shocked Senators that senior Wells Fargo management made the decision in late 2010 to hire vampires to actually “suck the life’s blood out of our customers”.

“Management dictated the culture of opening fake accounts to make our market share seem larger than it was in order to increase our stock price,” Colton testified to the Committee. “And selling unnecessary auto insurance to increase revenue was a no-brainer.

“But in early 2010 senior management realized that these scams were really smalltime. It was stuff that Bank of America or SunTrust could do. Wells Fargo could and would do better.”

That’s when Wells Fargo corporate management decided to hire the undead.

“Senior management felt that our employees weren’t rat-fucking our customer base hard enough,” Colton told Senators. “But with a group of nosferatu on our team we could literally drain the blood from our clients.”

At the time Wells Fargo legal counsel saw two possible obstacles to employing vampires.

“First, there were all kinds of US employment laws that stood in the way”, said Colton. “We worked around that by locating our Incubus Division at a new complex we built in the Philippines.

“The second problem was one of access,” said Colton. “We couldn’t figure out how to have our customers actually invite our vampires into their homes. The problem perplexed us until Bennie from Legal realized that we could just insert an invitation paragraph into the new account application.

“After that it was like taking candy from a stupid baby.”

That’s when Colton became alarmed and decided to blow the whistle.

“Unfortunately some of those fake accounts we opened allowed our vampires into people’s homes who weren’t really customers, which is why I am testifying today.”

Rawl Comes Back

LACANTO, FL (AIP) – Saying that he doesn’t think he’s wounded anymore, carpet installer Andy Rawl told reporters that he’s ready to move along with his life.

“I usually wake up a quivering mass of self-doubt and regret,” Rawl told reporters, holding his first news conference in more than 8 months. “But today? Well today I feel alive and whole. I feel like the bleeding has finally stopped.”

Rawl, whose suddenly developing lack of confidence and angst stunned fans since February of 2017 seems to have regained his old form.

“I woke up today realizing that the nameless pain and sense of loss isn’t unique to me, that pretty much everyone has things in their lives that become festering wounds,” said Rawl. “I just decided to not let those things control my outlook on the future or the way I live my life day by day.”

Time Magazine’s chief personality reporter Melvin Blanc, who has been close friends with Rawl for nearly a decade, commented on Rawl’s psychological rebound.

“I ask him what he thought the future might bring,” said Blanc. “He looked me in the eye and said that he didn’t give a fuck. That’s when I knew he was healed. At that point I actually started to cry. He’s finally ok.”

Women March On Washington For A Second Straight Week

WASHINGTON (AIP) – For the second Saturday in a row more than half a million women led by a host of celebrities staged a protest on the Mall in the nation’s capital to vent their anger over what they see as the abusive and coercive laws Euclidean Geometry .

“Fuck Euclid,” screamed pop star Madonna to a cheering crowd. “I’m here to tell you that a straight line segment can NOT be drawn between any two points. That’s homophobic, anti-trans, anti-black, anti-woman talk and we’re not going to stand for it.”

“I have a vagina and I don’t believe that all right angles are congruent.”

Organizers for this second march had hoped for at least 200,000 women to turn out in support their anti-geometry protest and were pleased when that number surged to over 500,000.

“The women of this country are sick and tired of white male geometry as usual,” said Dorothy Hammell, vice president of Women’s March Inc. and organizer of the march. “For way too long males in this country have forced the laws of geometry down our throats. It's like being raped and we’re sick and tired of being geometry's bitch.”

Singer Ashley Judd roused the crowd with her speech at the beginning of the March.

“I have a pussy,” Judd told ecstatic supporters. “That means that not any straight line segment can be extended indefinitely in a straight line because I have a pussy.

"I feel Hitler in these streets, exchanging a mustache for a congruent than sign. I have a pussy that says that not all triangles have three sides."

Hammell said that the group hopes to organize a protest against the laws of thermodynamics in the near future.



comments? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com

USA Dies On Table, Comes Back To Life

USA Dies On Table, Comes Back To Life

USA Dies On Table, Comes Back To Life

DONE!

SEMINOLE, FL (AIP) - DONE!

Clinton Captures Special Interest Vote

LAS VEGAS (AIP) - If campainging has become a game of capturing special interest groups, then presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton would appear to have a leg up opponent Donald Trump with at least one cabal -the Bulimic and Anorexic Men of America (BAMA).

"We love Hillary," said BAMA spokesman Melvin Fischer. "Anytime I've had an exceptionally good meal and contemplate actually digesting it I just pop one of Hillary's porn videos in my DVD player and I'm hurling in no time."

Clinton's pornographic video collection, which she was reduced to performing in to 'make ends meet' when she and husband Bill Clinton left the White House broke at the conclusion of his second term as President, has become the number one seller to the BAMA crowd.

"I put one of Hillary's sex tapes - say Hillary Wipes The Server - on and I usually expel the entire contents of my stomach before the first money shot", said BAMA member Charles Naul. "She makes spurging and purging exceptionally easy.

"If you're looking to vomit, watching Hillary Clinton have sex is as sure a thing as a finger down the throat."

Election watchers expect Clinton to garner 100 percent of the small but influential BAMA vote in November.

Clinton Health No Longer In Question

YOUNGSTOWN, OH (AIP) – The electrified corpse of Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has taken a 3 point lead in this key swing state against Republican hopeful Donald Trump according to the latest Pew Poll of likely voters released Friday.

“We’re very pleased that Mrs. Clinton’s moldering cadaver is doing so well in this very important state,” said Clinton Ohio campaign manager Kelli Sorenson. “Ever since we hired that new makeup guy to keep Hillary looking fresh and nearly life-like we’ve noticed the polls have been reacting favorably.”

There have been other recent changes in the Clinton campaign strategy that have seemed to help the candidate.

“We’ve found that if we can keep the press and all our wonderful supporters at least 15 feet away and up wind from the rotting body of Mrs. Clinton they seem to be much more favorably disposed toward her,” said Sorenson.

A campaign aid, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that Clinton backers have an important breakthrough that should further increase lead in Ohio.

“They found that by using a series of electrodes and keeping a low voltage running through her body, her muscles can be kept rigid and the body remain upright without the help of the Secret Service,” said the aid. “She appears much more animated.”

Clinton Expounds On Trump Supporter Comments

NEW YORK CITY (API) - Expanding on her comments about Presidential candidate Donald Trump's supporters being 'a basket full of deplorables' and 'unredeemable', Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton doubled down at her Whoopi Goldberg sponsored fundraiser on Thursday.

"Trump's supporters are dangerous to this country," said Clinton Thursday night, much to the delight of the $10,000 a plate guests attending the swank fundraiser. "They are a bacillus in the tissue of the American body politic. They are the rats in the walls of our nation. They are a cancer that needs to be cut out and destroyed.

"In a Hillary Clinton America I will weld the sharp scalpel of government oversight and bring all the awesome weight of the United States to bear to rid our nation of those people."

Trump spokesman Wayne Martin seemed a little taken aback by the vehemence of Clinton's comments.

"Wow... that's pretty harsh," said Martin on Friday. "I mean, would it really be legal for her to actually do that?"

Clinton campaign spokesman Hami Aduni made a lefthanded attempt to walk back the comments of the Democratic nominee.

"Clearly Mrs. Clinton wasn't saying that all Trump supporters would be physically destroyed should she become President," said Aduni. "The vast majority would merely be sent for reeducation to correct their distorted and erroneous political understanding of American. A year or two of intense political indoctrination and plenty of good, healthy outdoor labor should bring most everyone around nicely.

"Those who refuse to respond would, of course, be eliminated."

Biden Violates Probation

WASHINGTON D.C – The United States Probation Office for the District of Columbia announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has once again failed a random drug test, causing his probation officer to forward a violation of probation affidavit to the Court.

“This is the fourth time the Vice President has pissed dirty,” said probation officer Roslyn Jefferson. “He’s also behind in his financial obligations and has missed a couple of required meetings.”

Mr. Biden has been on probation since April 1, 2016 after pleading guilty to his third DUI. The conviction came after Mr. Biden wrapped his 1968 Chevy Camaro around a tree just off Pennsylvania Avenue in downtown Washington in a one car, 3:00 a.m. accident. Officers at the scene said that the Vice President was belligerent and reeked of alcohol.

“You fucking pigs know who I am?” Mr. Biden is alleged to have been screaming at the time of his arrest according to the incident report. The report also states that officers were ‘forced to escort the defendant to the ground’ in order to effect the arrest.

In a written statement to the press President Barak Obama said that Mr. Biden’s recent failure to complete probation greatly upset both himself and wife Michelle.

Clinton Campaign Gets Needed Boost

PETERBOROUGH, NH (AIP) – The sagging Hillary Clinton campaign, after losing momentum in the run up to the New Hampshire Presidential primary on November 9, enjoyed a much need boost Wednesday when the former Secretary of State announced that she would not attempt to have sexual intercourse with any male supporters during her campaign.

“I was for Bernie (Sanders) because I absolutely couldn’t stomach the idea of having any type of sexual contact with Hillary,” said New Hampshire Democrat Charlie Fincus. “That pants-suited body and those tragic ankles coupled with her horror show laugh turned me off completely.

“But now that she’s promised to not try to screw me I think I can support her.”

Clinton campaign strategist Maura Kelly said the time was right to make the announcement.

“Over time our polling numbers have shown that the vast majority of male voters were aghast at the idea of having sex with Hillary,” said Kelly. “And an even larger group was sickened by the idea of Hillary having sex with anyone, anywhere, any time. Her announcement Wednesday should draw in a large number of new supporters.”

Peterborough resident Mason Hills was one of the many relieved potential voters who attended Wednesday’s rally.

“There is no way I could put my fuck stick in that one,” said Hills. “I’d rather dry hump a bail of barbed wire. Now that the pressure is off I can reexamine her campaign without my gag reflex kicking in.”

Greece Stops The Financial Bleeding

VAN NUYS, CA (AIP) – After almost two years of tottering on the brink of financial ruin and threatening to destabilize the entire European Union, Greece today announced that it had won the Powerball Lottery and was fiscally sound again.

“It’s a godsend,” Greece told reporters on Thursday. “When I saw that Powerball come up I had this feeling that I was going to win it all. This 1.4 large is really going to go a long way toward turning things around for me.”

Lottery officials were pleased that so deserving a nation could win the big one.

“It’s good to see a poor country finally have something good happen to it,” said Lottery spokesman Daryl Mays.

The only kink in the storybook windfall for Greece was the Germany reaction.

“We actually loaned Greece the money to buy the quick picks,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel. “Greece didn’t have a pot to piss in without us. I’ll be speaking to attorneys about possible legal recourses to claim at least a portion of the prize money.”

Despite Greece’s vow to become financially stable going forward, reporters did note that Greece was spotted at LA’s trendy Rooftop at the Standard bar with porn starlets Tori Black and Jayden Jaymes.

“They’re old friends,” said Greece when questioned by reporters. “I just wanted to get together and have a nice lunch before I returned to Europe with the big check.”

Club Offers Exciting Promotional

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL (AIP) – The Pure Platinum Gentlemen’s Club, one of the oldest and finest gentlemen’s clubs on the East Coast of Florida has announced a new customer promotional which has patrons excited.

“Our normal cover charge is $10 for patrons entering the club,” said Platinum manager Ty Bignotti. “But we’ve worked out a special offer for our customers.

“Beginning Friday night, any customer who arrives with a child that is left in his vehicle while the customer enjoys the hospitality of our club will have the cover fee waived.”

Local tire store employee Max Reynolds is excited about the offer.

“Shit, I’ve got the kids every Friday night ‘cause the old lady works,” said Reynolds. “I’ve been letting them sleep in the car in the club’s parking lot for months now while I relax and unwind. I’m club Pure Platinum is finally recognizing me for that.”

Manager Bignotti says that the time youngsters spend in his parking lot can be a teaching moment.
“Everyone knows that kids as young as three or four can take care of themselves,” said Bignotti. “They’re safer in locked cars as long as daddy makes sure the windows are up. The time alone at night teaches these kids self reliance and bladder control.

"And we keep our parking lot dark as midnight so the kids can sleep."

Club patron Ryan McCandell has made plans to attend on the first night of the promotional.

“I don’t have any kids of my own, but I’ve offered to babysit my neighbor's five and six year olds that Friday,” said McCandell. “I’ll be there to tie one on.”