DAVIE, FL (AIP) - Chad Burlington, displaying a youthful mistake attributable to his limited experience with women, exposed a major flaw in his strategic 'get laid' game plan Friday evening when he committed the fatal error of putting fresh towels in the bathroom before his girlfriend Molly Richards arrived early in the evening.
"She had been working all day at the Hallmark store and told me she always feels dirty when she leaves work and might want a shower before we go out for the evening," said Burlington. "So I put fresh towels in the bathroom. She arrived at 6, had a glass of wine and went to get a shower. That's when all hell broke lose."
Molly takes the story from there.
"I was in the bathroom. I had taken my clothes off and started the water in the shower, waiting for it to heat up," said Molly, visibly shaken from her ordeal. "Then the bath towel told me I 'had a great ass' and the wash clothes said I was a 'pretty young thing', had a 'bitchin bod" and wanted my phone number.
"The linens were pretty fresh. They brushed my shoulder. I felt objectified, humiliated and a little threatened."
The Hand Towel, unaccused in the incident, spoke to reporters in an attempt to minimize his friends indiscretions.
"They were fresh, admittedly, " said the Towel. "They had a few in them. They were just being playful."
"I apologized repeatedly about having the fresh towels out, " said Burlington. "I even spoke to the kitchen sponge and bar wipe about their behavior to make sure they didn't get out of line. Molly was inconsolable. I feel horrible."
Molly is weighing her options.
"Chad is really cute, but the linens he hangs out with are rude, sexist jerks," she said. "I'm not sure what I plan to do."
Friday, February 27, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Rockaway Announces Baby Product Recall
PLYMOUTH, MA (AIP) – Manufacturer Rockaway Inc, world’s largest and oldest producer of boughs, has announced a recall of its 2015 Sierra model bough after 15 infants have suffered injury and three died in the last seven months.
“It’s about time these monsters did the right thing and got the Sierra off the shelves,” said consumer advocate James Vanderpelt. “It’s is inherently dangerous and in some cases deadly.”
In all 18 cases of injury or death in the last seven months, the Rockaway Sierra boughs have broken, causing the cradle and the baby contained within to fall.
Rockaway has agreed to the recall, but defends its product.
“There are clear warnings on all our products as to proper installation and usage,” said Rockaway spokesman Charles Deleo. “They are not to be used higher than 15 feet above the ground; cradles are not to be placed on our boughs if winds higher than 25 knots are expected. If customers ignore the warning labels, babies are going to die.
“Baby cradle riding on boughs is an extreme sport, like baby skydiving or baby cave diving, and not for the amature infant. Some of these dead babies didn't have the necessary skill set to cradle ride. Some of them attempted to use our product in dangerous weather conditions just for the thrill of it.”
Parents of the victims disagree.
“My baby was an extreme sports aficionado: an ice climber, a paraglider” said Marci Rosenberg, whose 6-month old baby Willie was killed when the bough he was riding broke. “He knew what he was doing. The equipment failed him. Rockaway failed him.
"I had to stand there and watch the bough break and the cradle fall. It came down, baby and all."
Babies “R” Us is offering a full refund to all customers who have purchased the 2015 Sierra Model.
“It’s about time these monsters did the right thing and got the Sierra off the shelves,” said consumer advocate James Vanderpelt. “It’s is inherently dangerous and in some cases deadly.”
In all 18 cases of injury or death in the last seven months, the Rockaway Sierra boughs have broken, causing the cradle and the baby contained within to fall.
Rockaway has agreed to the recall, but defends its product.
“There are clear warnings on all our products as to proper installation and usage,” said Rockaway spokesman Charles Deleo. “They are not to be used higher than 15 feet above the ground; cradles are not to be placed on our boughs if winds higher than 25 knots are expected. If customers ignore the warning labels, babies are going to die.
“Baby cradle riding on boughs is an extreme sport, like baby skydiving or baby cave diving, and not for the amature infant. Some of these dead babies didn't have the necessary skill set to cradle ride. Some of them attempted to use our product in dangerous weather conditions just for the thrill of it.”
Parents of the victims disagree.
“My baby was an extreme sports aficionado: an ice climber, a paraglider” said Marci Rosenberg, whose 6-month old baby Willie was killed when the bough he was riding broke. “He knew what he was doing. The equipment failed him. Rockaway failed him.
"I had to stand there and watch the bough break and the cradle fall. It came down, baby and all."
Babies “R” Us is offering a full refund to all customers who have purchased the 2015 Sierra Model.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Vice President Arrested Again
NEW YORK (AIP) – Vice President Joseph Biden was arrested Thursday by New York City Police after base jumping from the 86th floor of the Empire State Building, when his parachute strings got tangled in a light post.
“It was fucking awesome,” said Biden, while being led away by police to be booked in. “It was the best rush in the whole fucking world.”
Biden, who has a history of base jumping from tall building around the country, was unrepentant.
“It’s the rush,” said Biden. “There’s nothing else like it this side of cocaine.”
Biden was previously arrested and charged with trespassing after base jumping from the Statue of Liberty.
“I was wearing a Go Pro on that jump,” said Biden. “You ought to see the footage. It still takes my breath away.”
Biden was released after posting a $50 bond.
“It was fucking awesome,” said Biden, while being led away by police to be booked in. “It was the best rush in the whole fucking world.”
Biden, who has a history of base jumping from tall building around the country, was unrepentant.
“It’s the rush,” said Biden. “There’s nothing else like it this side of cocaine.”
Biden was previously arrested and charged with trespassing after base jumping from the Statue of Liberty.
“I was wearing a Go Pro on that jump,” said Biden. “You ought to see the footage. It still takes my breath away.”
Biden was released after posting a $50 bond.
Friday, February 20, 2015
Barton's Streak Ends
TAMPA (AIP) – Robert Barton had no answers when questioned by reporters Thursday about why he didn’t attend happy hour at the Twisted Soul on Wednesday evening, bringing to an end his national record of 1182 consecutive evenings ‘having a couple’ after work.
“I don’t know what came over me,” said Barton, whose clear eyes and lack of hand tremors stunned co-workers at the Milton Heart Stint Factory on Dale Mabry. “I just thought that I’d like to go home and maybe make some dinner and watch TV.
“It’s funny because up until this morning I thought everyone just naturally came to work and vomited in the second floor bathroom.”
Barton’s streak of slightly over three years attending happy hour every work night – evenings that rarely ended before midnight – broke the old record held by Martin Clay of Tupelo, MS., who posted 964 consecutive evenings in the late 90’s. Fans agree that Barton’s accomplishment – he has been and is still employed – far outshines the unemployed Clay’s achievement.
“Once I got home yesterday I was surprised to find that I got basically the same channels on my living room TV that they have down at Twisted,” said Barton. “There were some people in my apartment when I got there and it took me about an hour to recognize them as my wife and daughter.”
Barton’s neighbor, Angela McCormick, called police when she saw him enter his apartment Wednesday at 5:30 p.m...
“I had never seen him before,” said McCormick. “I thought he was a burglar.”
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
“I don’t know what came over me,” said Barton, whose clear eyes and lack of hand tremors stunned co-workers at the Milton Heart Stint Factory on Dale Mabry. “I just thought that I’d like to go home and maybe make some dinner and watch TV.
“It’s funny because up until this morning I thought everyone just naturally came to work and vomited in the second floor bathroom.”
Barton’s streak of slightly over three years attending happy hour every work night – evenings that rarely ended before midnight – broke the old record held by Martin Clay of Tupelo, MS., who posted 964 consecutive evenings in the late 90’s. Fans agree that Barton’s accomplishment – he has been and is still employed – far outshines the unemployed Clay’s achievement.
“Once I got home yesterday I was surprised to find that I got basically the same channels on my living room TV that they have down at Twisted,” said Barton. “There were some people in my apartment when I got there and it took me about an hour to recognize them as my wife and daughter.”
Barton’s neighbor, Angela McCormick, called police when she saw him enter his apartment Wednesday at 5:30 p.m...
“I had never seen him before,” said McCormick. “I thought he was a burglar.”
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Ask Heloise
Hey Heloise,
I am part of a student group at Brown University that will be traveling to the Levant this summer for our class in ancient history. I have been told by others that it’s considered ‘bad form’ and offensive to the locals to apply hair gel or pomade on the morning when I will be decapitated. Is this correct?
Perplexed in Providence.
Dear Perplexed,
What you’ve heard is correct. Hair gel, pomade and wax are all considered no no’s on the morning of your beheading by ISIS. The native fighters are highly offended by such products.
From a practical point of view hair gel and the like cause the hair to become slippery, making it harder for your executioner to grip the scalp while sawing away at the throat. If you feel compelled to wear any hair product, I would recommend a quality mousse, which increases the volume of your hair and gives the executioner better control of your skull.
Enjoy your class trip.
Heloise
I am part of a student group at Brown University that will be traveling to the Levant this summer for our class in ancient history. I have been told by others that it’s considered ‘bad form’ and offensive to the locals to apply hair gel or pomade on the morning when I will be decapitated. Is this correct?
Perplexed in Providence.
Dear Perplexed,
What you’ve heard is correct. Hair gel, pomade and wax are all considered no no’s on the morning of your beheading by ISIS. The native fighters are highly offended by such products.
From a practical point of view hair gel and the like cause the hair to become slippery, making it harder for your executioner to grip the scalp while sawing away at the throat. If you feel compelled to wear any hair product, I would recommend a quality mousse, which increases the volume of your hair and gives the executioner better control of your skull.
Enjoy your class trip.
Heloise
DHS Issues New Travel Restrictions
WASHINGTON (AIP) - In light of the most recent attempt to blow up a commercial airliner - the bungled attempt by so-called ‘Breakfast Bomber’ Sami el Am - the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has ordered all transportation companies including airlines, trains, subways and buses to stop selling green eggs and ham to travelers.
“You cannot get them on a plane, you cannot get them on a train,” said DHS spokesman Martin Leverock. “You cannot purchase green eggs and ham. You cannot purchase them because of Sami el Am.”
In August of this year el Am boarded a commercial flight originating in London and while in route to Washington’s Reagan National Airport attempted to ignite what appeared to be a normal breakfast of green eggs and ham but was in fact military grade explosive HMX, fashioned to look like breakfast and smuggled onto the plane by accomplices. Passengers thwarted his attempt.
On Thursday airlines scrambled to find replacement breakfasts for hungry passengers.
“Green eggs and ham have been the nation’s number one breakfast food for generations,” said Southwest Airlines vice president Carolyn Jackson. “This new regulation is really going to anger our customers.”
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
“You cannot get them on a plane, you cannot get them on a train,” said DHS spokesman Martin Leverock. “You cannot purchase green eggs and ham. You cannot purchase them because of Sami el Am.”
In August of this year el Am boarded a commercial flight originating in London and while in route to Washington’s Reagan National Airport attempted to ignite what appeared to be a normal breakfast of green eggs and ham but was in fact military grade explosive HMX, fashioned to look like breakfast and smuggled onto the plane by accomplices. Passengers thwarted his attempt.
On Thursday airlines scrambled to find replacement breakfasts for hungry passengers.
“Green eggs and ham have been the nation’s number one breakfast food for generations,” said Southwest Airlines vice president Carolyn Jackson. “This new regulation is really going to anger our customers.”
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Monday, February 16, 2015
Addison Chair Makes Breakthrough
DETROIT (AIP) – The Addison Chair Company has announced a breakthrough in office chair technology that will lock the chairs swivel mechanism, keeping the seat turned in the precise position that the last user left it until the user returns.
“Thank goodness scientists have finally found a way to keep the chair in place,” said Sixth Circuit Senior Court Clerk Kelli Martinez. “I have hated standing up to swear witnesses in and then sitting back down only to catch the chair arm in the crack of my ass. The damn thing swivels when I stand up. It’s embarrassing and annoying and sometimes pretty painful.”
Addison lead researcher Max Thorton is proud of his team’s the breakthrough.
“This is going to be particularly helpful to those court clerks who suffer from hemorrhoids,” said Thorton.
“Thank goodness scientists have finally found a way to keep the chair in place,” said Sixth Circuit Senior Court Clerk Kelli Martinez. “I have hated standing up to swear witnesses in and then sitting back down only to catch the chair arm in the crack of my ass. The damn thing swivels when I stand up. It’s embarrassing and annoying and sometimes pretty painful.”
Addison lead researcher Max Thorton is proud of his team’s the breakthrough.
“This is going to be particularly helpful to those court clerks who suffer from hemorrhoids,” said Thorton.
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