CHESHIRE, ENGLAND (AIP) – Opening Statements began today between co-defendants Hamilton Fence Company and the King, who find themselves being sued by the estate of Mr. Humpty Dumpty, whose life was allegedly cut short by a fall from a defective wall built by the Hamilton Company.
“Hamilton Fence created an attractive nuisance with the construction of that wall which enticed my client,” said Attorney Charles Beck-Whitmore, counsel for the Dumpty’s estate. “And after his tragic fall, both the King’s horses and the King’s men rendered ineffectual medical care, hastening the death of Mr. Dumpty.”
Beck-Whitmore is best known for successfully suing the owner of the hill where his client Jack fell down and broke his crown.
“The plaintiff in this case knew or should have known that - being an egg - a fall from any height would likely be fatal and therefore should have avoided climbing the Hamilton wall,” said defense attorney Carol Wagner. “He was the primary contributor to his own demise.”
Martin Kline, attorney for co-defendant the King, took a similar line.
“Dumpty was a well-know daredevil,” said Kline. “His shell was only 400 micromillimeters thick, for god’s sake. It’s like he was trying to die.”
The plaintiff accuses the both the King’s horses and the King’s men of improper medical attention after the fall.
“There was yolk fucking everywhere,” said Kline. “How were the defendants supposed to put that back together again?”
Arguments in the case continue tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Friday, October 23, 2015
Local Boy Personally Effected By Climate Change
FARMVILLE, VA (AIP) – Prince Edward County Middle School Eighth grader Tommy Eversburger has announced that his is completely unable to master geometry because of the devastating effects of man made climate change to our world.
“Add my inability to ‘get’ geometry to the list that includes sea levels rising, ice sheets melting, the creating of ISIS,decreasing snow cover and ocean acidification,” said Eversburger. “This man made problem is probably going to make me repeat the 8th grade.”
President Barack Obama, who upon learning of the devastating personal effects of man made climate change on Eversburger’s invited him to the White House to discuss what steps the government might take to ameliorate the problem.
“There are things we can do to help young Tommy,” Obama told reporters at a Rose Garden press conference, flanked by Eversburger and former Vice President Al Gore. “I am issuing executive orders that will immediately tax and regulate coal burning power producing plants completely out of existence in a matter of months.
“My administration will also see to it that everyone walks to work from now on and there will be no more charcoal grills sold or used in the United States.”
A grateful Eversburger told the press that he was excited by the new government intervention into the economy.
“Well, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to learn geometry, but I think it’s cool that someone is finally doing something positive,” said Eversburger.
“Add my inability to ‘get’ geometry to the list that includes sea levels rising, ice sheets melting, the creating of ISIS,decreasing snow cover and ocean acidification,” said Eversburger. “This man made problem is probably going to make me repeat the 8th grade.”
President Barack Obama, who upon learning of the devastating personal effects of man made climate change on Eversburger’s invited him to the White House to discuss what steps the government might take to ameliorate the problem.
“There are things we can do to help young Tommy,” Obama told reporters at a Rose Garden press conference, flanked by Eversburger and former Vice President Al Gore. “I am issuing executive orders that will immediately tax and regulate coal burning power producing plants completely out of existence in a matter of months.
“My administration will also see to it that everyone walks to work from now on and there will be no more charcoal grills sold or used in the United States.”
A grateful Eversburger told the press that he was excited by the new government intervention into the economy.
“Well, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to learn geometry, but I think it’s cool that someone is finally doing something positive,” said Eversburger.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Local Man Makes Stunning Discovery
DECATUER, GA (AIP) – Local journeyman electrician Michael Thomas, 27, was stunned to learn Friday that former Vice President Al Gore’s real name is simply Al Gore.
“I always thought his name was FuckingAlGore,” said Thomas. “I was shocked to read that his name is simply Al Gore. I’ve never heard that. The ‘fucking’ has always been said first by everyone I know. Jeez. I feel really stupid.”
Harvard political science professor Martin Van Ness said that many people make the same mistake with Gore’s name.
“Most Americans think his name is really FuckingAlGore,” said Van Ness. “That’s not what his birth certificate says. It’s just kind of become shorthand for the American peple.”
“I always thought his name was FuckingAlGore,” said Thomas. “I was shocked to read that his name is simply Al Gore. I’ve never heard that. The ‘fucking’ has always been said first by everyone I know. Jeez. I feel really stupid.”
Harvard political science professor Martin Van Ness said that many people make the same mistake with Gore’s name.
“Most Americans think his name is really FuckingAlGore,” said Van Ness. “That’s not what his birth certificate says. It’s just kind of become shorthand for the American peple.”
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Clinton Takes Campaign Hit
SALEM, MS (AIP) – Democratic candidate for President and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, visiting Salem during a campaign sweep of the Northeast, was accused by local residents Mary Parsons of being a witch and subjected to the Water Test Thursday by local officials eager to rid their town of the minions of Satan.
“She bewitched me”, said Parsons, a science teacher at Middleburg High School. “In fact, she’s bewitched the whole country. She is clearly of the Devil and I lodged a formal complaint with the town clerk. I believe they took appropriate measures to cleanse us evil.”
Clinton was speaking to a sparse crowd at Middleburg High School when Sheriff Milton Smith, acting on a directive from the town council formally arrested her, trussed her with rope and flung her into the Naumkeag River.
“It’s the law,” said Smith. “Clinton seemed surprised that she was actually subject to it.”
According to the Water Test, a suspected witch is securely bound by rope and thrown into a body of water. If the suspect floats to the surface it is because she is held up by the Devil. A suspect that sinks to the bottom and drowns is considered innocent and posthumously exonerated of the charges.
“Clinton floated,” said Smith. “She's a witch. Case closed.”
Clinton was last seen bobbing out into the open Atlantic.
“She bewitched me”, said Parsons, a science teacher at Middleburg High School. “In fact, she’s bewitched the whole country. She is clearly of the Devil and I lodged a formal complaint with the town clerk. I believe they took appropriate measures to cleanse us evil.”
Clinton was speaking to a sparse crowd at Middleburg High School when Sheriff Milton Smith, acting on a directive from the town council formally arrested her, trussed her with rope and flung her into the Naumkeag River.
“It’s the law,” said Smith. “Clinton seemed surprised that she was actually subject to it.”
According to the Water Test, a suspected witch is securely bound by rope and thrown into a body of water. If the suspect floats to the surface it is because she is held up by the Devil. A suspect that sinks to the bottom and drowns is considered innocent and posthumously exonerated of the charges.
“Clinton floated,” said Smith. “She's a witch. Case closed.”
Clinton was last seen bobbing out into the open Atlantic.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Kyle Sandbags Reporters
TAMPA (AIP) – Local resident Mitch Kyle, speaking to reporters at his weekly press conference on Monday, appeared disheveled and unshaven and singularly unable to explain himself or his actions over the prior 48 hours.
“I don’t really remember,” said Kyle, his tie unknotted and hair uncombed. “Some of it’s pretty hazy and the rest of it is best left alone. I’m not really sure I should even be talking about it. As far as I remember nobody got hurt and my car – undamaged - is parked in its usual spot.”
Reporters were quick to point out that many unanswered questions surround Kyle’s weekend activities. Questions that loomed large in light of his future aspirations. He was fierce in his refusal to be pinned down.
“There are many things I may or may not have done,” said Kyle. “I’m not sure why any of it is any of your business.”
Sources have hinted at some ‘unseemly activities’ that Kyle may have participated in on both the previous Saturday and Sunday, but a public records check revealed no arrests or outstanding warrants.
Sheriff's Office spokesman Chris Hamilton said that his office is reviewing surveillance video from several locations in the Tampa area. Hillsborough County State Attorney Henry Lee Crow refused to comment about any ongoing investigation.
“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” Kyle asked as he ended the press conference. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I don’t really remember,” said Kyle, his tie unknotted and hair uncombed. “Some of it’s pretty hazy and the rest of it is best left alone. I’m not really sure I should even be talking about it. As far as I remember nobody got hurt and my car – undamaged - is parked in its usual spot.”
Reporters were quick to point out that many unanswered questions surround Kyle’s weekend activities. Questions that loomed large in light of his future aspirations. He was fierce in his refusal to be pinned down.
“There are many things I may or may not have done,” said Kyle. “I’m not sure why any of it is any of your business.”
Sources have hinted at some ‘unseemly activities’ that Kyle may have participated in on both the previous Saturday and Sunday, but a public records check revealed no arrests or outstanding warrants.
Sheriff's Office spokesman Chris Hamilton said that his office is reviewing surveillance video from several locations in the Tampa area. Hillsborough County State Attorney Henry Lee Crow refused to comment about any ongoing investigation.
“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” Kyle asked as he ended the press conference. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
New Charity Fundraiser Craze Sweeping The Nation
BOSTON (AIP) – A new charity fundraising event is sweeping the nation. The Seven Story Challenge is quickly becoming the new, popular event to raise money for handicapped children, much like the Ice Bucket Challenge of 2014 helped fund research for a cure for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS).
“The Seven Story Challenge is a really great way to raise money to help those less fortunate and it’s a lot of fun,” said Boston event organizer Lou McCormick. “Like the Ice Bucket Challenge, participants raise pledges from friends, family and local businesses. Then they pick a seven story building in their local city and fling themselves from the roof.”
“This is a blast,” Boston participant Marvin Collins told reporters moments before hurling himself from the top of the Bruce Bolling Building to a certain death on the pavement in the heart of Boston.
McCormick said that people often film their local events and put the footage on YouTube.
“There’s some pretty horrific video of the Challenge out there,” said McCormick. “Seven stories is the minimum height of the events we sponsor, but there’s no limit. I saw footage from one event participants were jumping of the 27-story Kensington Building on Washington Street. When they hit they were as flat as pancakes.”
Local businessman Kyle McLaughlin, whose dry cleaning chain recently went into receivership raised $1,500 in pledges and then threw himself from the top floor of the roof of the Millennium Tower in the Downtown Crossing area. In a note he left behind he said he was grateful for the opportunity to help raise money for handicapped children.
“This event was exciting and meaningful for handicapped children everywhere,” read McLaughlin’s note. “And fuck that blood sucking, bitch ex-wife of mine.”
McCormick said that participants in the Challenge that accidentally survive the challenge are allowed to keep the donations that they raise.
“All of the very few of them at lived through the event have some pretty significant internal injuries and could really use those donations for medical expenses,” said McCormick.
“The Seven Story Challenge is a really great way to raise money to help those less fortunate and it’s a lot of fun,” said Boston event organizer Lou McCormick. “Like the Ice Bucket Challenge, participants raise pledges from friends, family and local businesses. Then they pick a seven story building in their local city and fling themselves from the roof.”
“This is a blast,” Boston participant Marvin Collins told reporters moments before hurling himself from the top of the Bruce Bolling Building to a certain death on the pavement in the heart of Boston.
McCormick said that people often film their local events and put the footage on YouTube.
“There’s some pretty horrific video of the Challenge out there,” said McCormick. “Seven stories is the minimum height of the events we sponsor, but there’s no limit. I saw footage from one event participants were jumping of the 27-story Kensington Building on Washington Street. When they hit they were as flat as pancakes.”
Local businessman Kyle McLaughlin, whose dry cleaning chain recently went into receivership raised $1,500 in pledges and then threw himself from the top floor of the roof of the Millennium Tower in the Downtown Crossing area. In a note he left behind he said he was grateful for the opportunity to help raise money for handicapped children.
“This event was exciting and meaningful for handicapped children everywhere,” read McLaughlin’s note. “And fuck that blood sucking, bitch ex-wife of mine.”
McCormick said that participants in the Challenge that accidentally survive the challenge are allowed to keep the donations that they raise.
“All of the very few of them at lived through the event have some pretty significant internal injuries and could really use those donations for medical expenses,” said McCormick.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Local Attorney Shocks Jurors During Trial
ORLANDO (AIP) – Prominent local defense attorney Jeffrey Main shocked jurors and spectators in Court on Wednesday when, during his client’s testimony in her felony battery trial, he suddenly wrapped his fingers around her throat and strangled the life out of her.
“He just snapped,” said friend and fellow defense attorney Ryan Mingor. “Jeff got his undergraduate degree in English from the University of Tennessee. He comes absolutely unglued when his clients mispronounce or misuse common English words. It’s a real pet peeve for him. This time he might have gone too far.”
A trial transcript seems to indicate that the trouble began early when Main called his client to the stand to testify in her own defense in the battery case. He told his client, Renee Washington, to introduce herself to the jury and tell them where she lived. She told jurors she resided at 917 West Walnut ‘Screet’.
“The correct word is, of course, ‘street’,” said Mingor, speaking to reporters after the incident.
Later during her testimony, Main asked his client if she had ever been convicted of a felony. Her response, according to the transcript, was that she had been charged with a previous felony but had received a ‘wiffhold of adjudification’.
“It’s ‘withhold of adjudication,” said Mingor. “There isn’t an ‘f’ in either one of those words. When she said that I could see that Jeff was really tensing up.”
Main apparently lost control when his client told the jury that prior to the alleged incident she had gone to the courthouse to get a ‘conjunction’ against the woman who later became the victim in the battery.
“She obviously didn’t go to the courthouse to get a word used to connect clauses in a sentence,” said Mingor. “What she attempted to get was an ‘injunction’ against the other woman. When she said that Main just snapped."
According to witnesses, Main grunted loudly one time, walked to the witness box and began strangling his client.
“We had three deputies trying to pry him off of her, but he wouldn’t let go,” said Orange County Deputy Sheriff Milton Wilcox. “Finally, when she was dead, he released his grip and calmly allowed us to take him into custody.”
Murder charges are pending in the case.
“He just snapped,” said friend and fellow defense attorney Ryan Mingor. “Jeff got his undergraduate degree in English from the University of Tennessee. He comes absolutely unglued when his clients mispronounce or misuse common English words. It’s a real pet peeve for him. This time he might have gone too far.”
A trial transcript seems to indicate that the trouble began early when Main called his client to the stand to testify in her own defense in the battery case. He told his client, Renee Washington, to introduce herself to the jury and tell them where she lived. She told jurors she resided at 917 West Walnut ‘Screet’.
“The correct word is, of course, ‘street’,” said Mingor, speaking to reporters after the incident.
Later during her testimony, Main asked his client if she had ever been convicted of a felony. Her response, according to the transcript, was that she had been charged with a previous felony but had received a ‘wiffhold of adjudification’.
“It’s ‘withhold of adjudication,” said Mingor. “There isn’t an ‘f’ in either one of those words. When she said that I could see that Jeff was really tensing up.”
Main apparently lost control when his client told the jury that prior to the alleged incident she had gone to the courthouse to get a ‘conjunction’ against the woman who later became the victim in the battery.
“She obviously didn’t go to the courthouse to get a word used to connect clauses in a sentence,” said Mingor. “What she attempted to get was an ‘injunction’ against the other woman. When she said that Main just snapped."
According to witnesses, Main grunted loudly one time, walked to the witness box and began strangling his client.
“We had three deputies trying to pry him off of her, but he wouldn’t let go,” said Orange County Deputy Sheriff Milton Wilcox. “Finally, when she was dead, he released his grip and calmly allowed us to take him into custody.”
Murder charges are pending in the case.
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