Christmas Confession

Okay… okay. I’ll tell you what you want to know. What you already know.

I guess I just couldn’t stand it anymore…

It wasn’t December 23 like the papers said, it was earlier than that. Maybe the 15th or 16th. I’m not really sure. I had been drinking pretty heavily so things- dates and time – are hazy at best, but it was before the 23rd.

He was sitting in the living room. Just sitting, like usual. He never talked, never acknowledged me. He would just sit for hours sometimes. Watching. Listening. And I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was fed up with it.

I came from behind him and I hit him. I hit him with the roofing hammer I’d used the past summer to replace the shingles over the family room that the storm had blown off. I hit him hard in the back of the head. He fell forward and there was blood, but no sound other than when I hit him. Like a watermelon falling from the kitchen counter and hitting the floor. That thump.

I duct taped his mouth and eyes. He was still breathing. He wasn’t that heavy. I carried him to my car and put him in the trunk.

I drove around for awhile. Finally to the beach. Johns Pass. It was late, after 3. There wasn’t any traffic.

I stopped at the top of the bridge, pulled him out of the trunk. He was still alive I think. I threw him over the side.

Do I feel bad? No. I feel relieved. All the way home that night I remember thinking that he got what he deserved. He was a snitch. “Elf on the Shelf’ will never trouble me again. To this day I think I did the right thing. I’d do it again.”

- Excerpt from video confession. State of Florida v. Randy Hall CRC13-20916CFANO, CT 1: MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE; CT 2: UNLAWFUL DUMPING OF PLUSH TOY.