Missing Malaysia Flight 360 Located

San Luis Obispo, CA (AIP) – Malaysia Airlines spokesman Najib Vong  confirmed Thursday that Malaysia Flight 360 has been has finally been located and recovered, drawing to a close the multi-national search and rescue mission that has been hunting the missing aircraft since February of this year.

“I was stunned,” said Michael Krenwich, a 19-year old part time Sip’N’Go employee and graduate of San Luis Obispo High School. “I saw on the news that the plane had gone missing so I took some time looking around my apartment – in the closet, in the kitchen cabinet – and finally found the damn thing under my living room couch next to my lost wheelbarrow game piece from the Monopoly set.”

Malaysia Airline spokesman Vong had no explanation as to how the plane ended up under the brown faux suede couch in Krenwich’s apartment.

“Our original search for Flight 360 began in the Indian Ocean,” said Vong, speaking via satellite phone from Kuala Lumpur.  “We later expanded the search to include Los Angeles and Compton.  We don’t really know how it got so much further north.

“But hell, we’ve lost like nine planes in the past six months.  One was found in a thrift store in Vancouver (British Columbia). We just don’t seem to be able to keep track of the damn things.”

“Hey, I understand,” said Krenwich.  “Do you have any idea how many cell phones I’ve lost?  It can happen to anyone.”

The plane Krenwich located should not be confused with Malaysia Airlines flight 370 which disappeared on March 8, 2014 shortly after takeoff from Kuala Lumpur International Airport with 227 passengers and 12 crew members.  That plane remains missing.

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Harvard Forced to Stop Research Project

CAMBRIDGE, MA (AIP) – Researchers at Harvard University were forced by a new Massachusetts state law on Monday to put an end to an experiment they’ve been engaged in for the past 87 years, 13 years shy of their goal.  Many in the Department of Clinical Literary Research are disappointed.

“For the past 87 years we’ve been attempting to prove the theory that 100 monkeys with 100 typewriters could produce the complete works of Shakespeare in 100 years,” said Dr. Rakesh Patel, lead scientist in the experiment. “This new state law restricting the use of animals for research projects other than vivisection has brought this experiment to a screeching halt. It’s really a loss for literary researchers everywhere.”

Although thwarted in its goal to produce the complete Shakespearian catalogue, the experiment was not without some success.

“In 1968 one of our monkeys, Number 87, did produce the line ‘tobeornot’, which excited the whole team a great deal,” said Patel.  “We thought we had finally made a breakthrough, but then things dried up.”

There have been low points through the years. In the late 1990’s several of the primates complained of writer’s block, while roughly 20 percent became raving alcoholics and at least two began using cocaine

.

“They’d get drunk in the evening and bitch about the fact that no one understood them,” said Patel.  “We sent 14 of the monkeys to Betty Ford, but we had to let go of six who refused treatment. They kept saying that they didn’t have a problem.”

Amazingly, in early 2001, one monkey, Number 31, produced an exact copy of the first six chapters of the novel 50 Shades of Grey.  In 2010 a primate duo, Numbers 16 and 42, typed out Al Gore’s bleak poem about climate change from his book Our Choice - a plan to solve the climate crisis.

“A few years back one of the monkeys typed up that song Baby by Justin Bieber,” said Patel. “And we did get a complete copy of Gibbons Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire but there were some typos.”

The end of the program means that Harvard scientists will have to find new homes for the monkeys.

“Number 12 has accepted the Writer in Residence post at the University of Michigan,” said Patel.   “Numbers 49 and 96 have signed at deal with Paramount to ink the next Tom Cruise movie and Number has been hired as a staff writer for The View.”  

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Fed Concerned About Contraction

NEW YORK (AIP) – Janet Yellen, Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve Bank, today announced that the Fed expects the economy to contract by as much as 16 percent in the coming quarter due to the lack of ink used to print United State currency.

“We all know that ink is the lifeblood of the US economy,” said Yellen. “Without that ink there can be absolutely no illusion of growth in the financial system.  We’re about to see a meltdown of the economy.  Jobs will be lost. The middle class with suffer.”

Spokesman Gary Shinara at the Dallas branch of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing confirms Yellen’s statements about the lack of ink for bills of all denominations of currency.

“No ink.  Can’t get a drop,” said Shinara.

The critical lack of the distinctive green and other inks used to print the bills comes as a result of a workers strike which has halted production in the only plant worldwide that makes the ink, the VONG Chemical factory located in the Vietnamese village of Bien Hoa on the banks of the Dong Nai River near Ho Chi Minh City.

“We have been on strike for six months,” said worker representative Vo Chi Cong, contacted by phone.  “The 217 people who work in this factory have been responsible for whatever growth the US economy has shown since 2008 and yet we work for the equivalent of $2.87 a week.  That’s bullshit.”

As many as 16 committees and sub committees of both the US House of Representatives and Senate will be holding hearings in the coming weeks to explore the economically devastating lack of ink.

Senator Max Goldblum (D-Oregon) is sponsoring a bill to raise the minimum wage in Vietnam to get the factory workers back on the job.

“The ink must flow in order to keep up the economic sleight of hand,” said Goldblum.

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TSA Announces New Screening Procedure

WASHINGTON (AIP) – The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) held a press conference Friday to announce new screening procedure for air travelers, effective immediately, which the TSA said should speed up airport screening and offer much greater protections for flyers.

“The new procedure is called ‘Guess the Number I’m Thinking Of’”, said TSA deputy security Chief Carolyn Mathews-Green.  “The screener will inform the potential flier that the choice field is between the n

Possible Breakthrough In Team Nicknames

NEW YORK (AIP) – A group of university educators and administrators from across the country has put forward a revolutionary idea that might finally break the impasse between Indian tribes and sports teams that bare names Indians find offensive.

“We’ve got an idea that is nothing but upside for both sides of this debate,” said Harvard Professor Rickman Janovich.  “We did some research and found that there’s only one minority in this country that everyone uniformly hates – poor southern white men. They’ve got plenty of nicknames and nobody - I mean nobody - is going to come to their defense or sue on their behalf.

"A school or team owner could safely change a team
 nickname to the Peckerwoods and no one would be offended," said Janovich

“What a great idea,” said Danny Red Eagle, chief of the Cherokee Tribe of Tennessee.  “It’s about time that those southern fucks took it in the ass.”

“There are literally thousands of slurs for southern poor white men,” said Janovich. “We’ll never exhaust the list of possible names. Shit kicker, honkie, cracker, gomer, mudskipper, redneck.  I could go on all day.”

Reports indicate that Washington Redskins president Daniel Snyder is seriously considering changing his team’s name to the Washington Po’buckers.

(According to the Racial Slur Database Po’bucker is a “Corruption of West African "Buuker" meaning devil, boogie-man or white man. Poor white trash  were referred to as "Po'buckers"”.)

Several high schools across the country have already switched names.  John Kennedy High School in Detroit has switched its moniker from the Braves to the Shiftless, No Account Honkies and the Rosemount High School “Warriors” are now the Rosemount “Pigfuckers”.

Not all schools are on board with the new idea.  At Chiefland High School in Chiefland, FL, athletic director Stanley Malvern says his mascot won’t be changing any time soon.

“We are proud to have been and will always be proud to be the Chiefland Drunken Indians”, said Malvern.  “Fuck those liberal bastards.”

Attempts to contact an organization for poor, white, southern men for comment were unsuccessful as there are no such organizations.


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DLBM Agents Lay Siege

PINELLAS PARK, FL (AIP) – Agents from the Department of Library Book Management (DLBM) have surrounded and laid siege to the townhouse of retired bookkeeper Joshua Davenport Meyers here on Sunday to enforce payment of a $12.86 overdue library book checked out in 2013 and not returned until last Wednesday .

“He took the book and didn't return it within the two week checkout period,” said DLBM Undersecretary for Compliance Enforcement Ritter Daniels, speaking from the command post agents assembled early Sunday morning.  “We’re here to see that the man pays up.  It’s the law and it’s our job to see that the law is carried out.The Federal Government is damn serious about debt collection."

Fifty agents in kevlar body armor carrying assault rifles have surrounded the townhouse and cut off access at the nearest through street. Armored black Humvees  patrol the streets outside the residence.  Sniper teams have taken up positions on neighboring roof tops and at least two drone aircraft are patrolling the skies overhead in a concerted effort to force the 67- year old Meyers to pay his overdue fine, but have so far been unsuccessful.

Meyers, contacted by reporters before cell phone service was interrupted by authorities, said that he merely forgot to return the book and would be happy to pay the fine by the first of next week, when his social security check is deposited in this account.

“It was a copy of Voltaire’s Essay on Customs,” said Meyers.  “Who else the fuck really wants to read that?”

According to DLBM officials Meyers has a history of ignoring the Federal rules governing library book borrowing.  Records produced by the Department show that Meyers checked out Albert Camus’ The Stranger in 1972 and returned it with a page ear bent down.

“This man has a horrible history with library books,” said Ritter.  “The Department is here to see that that behavior comes to an end.”

Meanwhile, at a free speech zone federal agents set up 26 miles from the townhouse local supporters protested.

"This is RIDICULOUS," said protester Ray White, speaking in capital letters. "Nobody reads Voltaire.  Who really cares?"


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Last Private Refinery To Close

Bethesda, MD (AIP) -The last privately owned bullshit refinery in the nation is closing at the end of the month, a victim of new federal regulations which owners say are driving them out of business and costing hundreds of American jobs.

"The government is putting us out of business, like it has all the other bullshit refineries," said Franklin Friday, 3rd generation refinery owner. "The Feds have wanted a monopoly on bullshit production for 50 years and it looks like they’re finally getting it. The only bullshit available after the end of this month will come straight from the government.

“The EPA issued a whole new set of rules regulating the MAPE (maximum allowable pungency emissions) that we can’t possibly meet in the time frame mandated and then exempted themselves from those regulations.”

At the height of private production there were 27 bullshit refineries operating in the United States. Texas alone boasted four. Now they're all gone.

"The Fed has built an incredibly large bullshit refinery near D.C. and can produce more bullshit at a lower cost than we can," Said Friday. "They’re using tax dollars to subsidize bullshit production.”

Federal officials agree that the government will be the sole producer of bullshit in the future, but say they haven’t driven anyone out of business. They argue that it’s the poor quality of privately refined bullshit that has driven private firms out of business.

"The government can refine bullshit to a purity that the private sector can only dream about," said Malcolm Glades, deputy director of bullshit operations at the Washington-area plant. "Privately produced bullshit is only about 60 percent pure. It’s contaminated with a healthy amount of truth. Federal government bullshit is 99 percent pure bullshit, there's no truth in it."

Glades expects that the quantity of bullshit coming from the government will increase exponentially in the coming months.

"Our goal is to be at maximum production by November," said Glades.

Meanwhile Bullshit Detector sales are down 60 percent this year.

"It’s like people don’t even want to identify bullshit anymore", said Riley Scott, president of the Bullshit Detector Trade Association.

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