SACRAMENTO, CA (AIP)- Bowing to a strong grassroots movement of feminist sexually repressed women, California became the first state to pass a medical roofie bill, making the notorious date rape drug legal.
The new law, signed by Governor Jerry Brown on Thursday, was backed by the Coalition of Sexually Repressed Women.
"Thank god, I can finally have illicit sex with complete strangers without the emotional train wreck that used to come afterwards," said state represntative Martha Coakley (D-San Francisco) a strong proponent of the new law. "Last night I did two guys at the same time, both complete strangers, and to I have no regrets or remorse thanks to roofies."
Republican represntative Marc Johnston, normally conservative, went along with the ground swell movement.
"I think its a really good thing," said Johnston. "I dump one of these now lawful pills in a really hot girl's rum and coke at the bar and an hour later I'm ass-fucking her in the front seat of my car. I finish and go and she doesn't feel like a cheap slut the next day. It's win-win."
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Bucket Challenge Craze Comes To Orlando
ORLANDO (AIP) – The Buddhist Monk Challenge, a national crazy that has raised millions for charity, has found its way to Orlando’s Conway Elementary School, where principal Harold Fuchs filmed himself challenging all other Orange County Elementary principals to ‘do this or donate’ then dumped an ice bucket of aviation fuel over his head and flicked a Bic lighter.
“It was way cool,” said third grader Mary Ann Kotchman. “I think it’s great that Mr. Harold would writhe like that for charity.”
“His screams were awesome,” said a laughing Conner Martin, fourth grade class president. “I still can’t believe a human can actually scream that loud. I hope all the other principals do it too.”
Nationwide the craze has raised over $14 million for charity. Milton Freemanson, whose company Flashpoint Productions helps local organizations stage Buddhist Monk Challenges around the country, explained the concept.
“Buddhist monks in Vietnam during the war first came up with the idea,” said Freemanson. “Local celebrities, television personalities, firefighters, police chiefs, just about anyone can do it. All it takes is a bucket of high octane aviation fuel, reliable lighter and steel nerves.
“We film participants as they make the verbal challenge for others to either do it themselves or donate at least 28 percent of their yearly salary to charity. We’ve raised huge amounts of money.”
So far nationwide over 400 challenge takers have perished, while at least 27 remain in burn units at various hospitals around the country, mostly with extremely poor chances for survival.
“It’s a lot of fun,” said Freemanson. “The kids love to watch. Almost everyone thinks it’s a wonderful idea.”
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“It was way cool,” said third grader Mary Ann Kotchman. “I think it’s great that Mr. Harold would writhe like that for charity.”
“His screams were awesome,” said a laughing Conner Martin, fourth grade class president. “I still can’t believe a human can actually scream that loud. I hope all the other principals do it too.”
Nationwide the craze has raised over $14 million for charity. Milton Freemanson, whose company Flashpoint Productions helps local organizations stage Buddhist Monk Challenges around the country, explained the concept.
“Buddhist monks in Vietnam during the war first came up with the idea,” said Freemanson. “Local celebrities, television personalities, firefighters, police chiefs, just about anyone can do it. All it takes is a bucket of high octane aviation fuel, reliable lighter and steel nerves.
“We film participants as they make the verbal challenge for others to either do it themselves or donate at least 28 percent of their yearly salary to charity. We’ve raised huge amounts of money.”
So far nationwide over 400 challenge takers have perished, while at least 27 remain in burn units at various hospitals around the country, mostly with extremely poor chances for survival.
“It’s a lot of fun,” said Freemanson. “The kids love to watch. Almost everyone thinks it’s a wonderful idea.”
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Monday, August 25, 2014
New Poll Suggests Young Voters Happy
NEW YORK (AIP) – The latest Pew Research polling indicates that the majority of Americans under age 40, some 87 percent of those responding, are very happy to be governed by a hubris filled ruling elite who have undergone Botox or testosterones injections and speak to the electorate in the condescending way normally reserved for a stupid child.
“I much prefer to be governed by a group of semi-conscious elderly folks,” said young Republican voter Mindy Peppershank. “They know what’s best for us.
“For example, Nancy Pelosi’s comment that ‘we have to pass the bill to know what’s in it’ is really something people of my generation understand. It’s insightful and brilliant in its logic. I never would have known if I should be for or against Obama Care without her pointing the way.”
The vast majority of young voters feel the same way according to the Pew poll.
“I sometimes get angry with the things the government does, but then I remember that these elderly men and women are actually better and brighter than most of us,” said Steve Quarles, a 36-year old airline pilot and registered Democrat. “They know what’s best for each of us and force us to do it, regardless of our personal preferences or desires. It’s really a lot of responsibility taken off our shoulders and thrust onto theirs.”
Pew research indicates that a slightly small majority of young Americans, 82 percent, love to be condescended to by those in office.
“I love being talked down to,” said Kwami Sportu, a nuclear engineer and registered independent voter. “There’s no better for our elected officials to show us the utter contempt they hold us in than for them to speak to and treat us as imbeciles.”
“I much prefer to be governed by a group of semi-conscious elderly folks,” said young Republican voter Mindy Peppershank. “They know what’s best for us.
“For example, Nancy Pelosi’s comment that ‘we have to pass the bill to know what’s in it’ is really something people of my generation understand. It’s insightful and brilliant in its logic. I never would have known if I should be for or against Obama Care without her pointing the way.”
The vast majority of young voters feel the same way according to the Pew poll.
“I sometimes get angry with the things the government does, but then I remember that these elderly men and women are actually better and brighter than most of us,” said Steve Quarles, a 36-year old airline pilot and registered Democrat. “They know what’s best for each of us and force us to do it, regardless of our personal preferences or desires. It’s really a lot of responsibility taken off our shoulders and thrust onto theirs.”
Pew research indicates that a slightly small majority of young Americans, 82 percent, love to be condescended to by those in office.
“I love being talked down to,” said Kwami Sportu, a nuclear engineer and registered independent voter. “There’s no better for our elected officials to show us the utter contempt they hold us in than for them to speak to and treat us as imbeciles.”
Friday, August 22, 2014
Vice Presdent Speaks About the Middle East
BRANSON, MO (AIP) – Vice President Joseph Biden today lashed out at the growing strength of ISIS throughout the embattled Middle East and warning them at the United State is quickly losing patience with the violence and terror they are spreading.
“My God, what kind of name is ISIS?” said Biden, speaking to the crowd at the Moon River Theatre before the Three Redneck Tenors took the stage for their evening show. “I mean, they named their army after a 1970’s TV show? If I was in charge I would have named them something tougher like ‘The Jihad Tigers’ or ‘The Killers for Muhammed’.”
The Isis television show starred JoAnna Cameron and Brian Cutler and ran from 1975 to 1976 on CBS.
“It’s a little know fact that, after 9/11, I made a trip to the Butner Federal Correctional Complex and had a face to face with that Omar Abdel Rahman, the guy that masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, “said Biden. “I walked in and said ‘Hey Cleric, look me in the eye and tell me you want to kill me just because I’m Protestant’. Well, he couldn’t look me in the eye, the pussy.”
Later in his show Biden produced a Ventriloquist puppet ‘Hillary’ and in a twist, the dummy made Biden speak.
“Hey Joe,” said Hillary at a high point in the show. “Since you can’t call a spade a spade anymore because it isn’t PC, what do you grab from the backyard tool shed?”
“A democrat?” answered Biden.
The “An Evening with Joe” show opens for the Three Redneck Tenors at the Moon River Theatre at 2500 W 76 Country Blvd for the next three weeks.
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“My God, what kind of name is ISIS?” said Biden, speaking to the crowd at the Moon River Theatre before the Three Redneck Tenors took the stage for their evening show. “I mean, they named their army after a 1970’s TV show? If I was in charge I would have named them something tougher like ‘The Jihad Tigers’ or ‘The Killers for Muhammed’.”
The Isis television show starred JoAnna Cameron and Brian Cutler and ran from 1975 to 1976 on CBS.
“It’s a little know fact that, after 9/11, I made a trip to the Butner Federal Correctional Complex and had a face to face with that Omar Abdel Rahman, the guy that masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, “said Biden. “I walked in and said ‘Hey Cleric, look me in the eye and tell me you want to kill me just because I’m Protestant’. Well, he couldn’t look me in the eye, the pussy.”
Later in his show Biden produced a Ventriloquist puppet ‘Hillary’ and in a twist, the dummy made Biden speak.
“Hey Joe,” said Hillary at a high point in the show. “Since you can’t call a spade a spade anymore because it isn’t PC, what do you grab from the backyard tool shed?”
“A democrat?” answered Biden.
The “An Evening with Joe” show opens for the Three Redneck Tenors at the Moon River Theatre at 2500 W 76 Country Blvd for the next three weeks.
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Thursday, August 21, 2014
Right Now
Helicopter blades
Beat the air as it moved overhead
East to west and
Interrupted the silence
Before the sun came up and illuminated the ugliness around me
That street light moon light star light had soften
As I smoked and contemplated what goes on in your head
watching Venus
Raising in the eastern sky
Beat the air as it moved overhead
East to west and
Interrupted the silence
Before the sun came up and illuminated the ugliness around me
That street light moon light star light had soften
As I smoked and contemplated what goes on in your head
watching Venus
Raising in the eastern sky
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
White House Spokesman Announces Progress
WASHINGTON (AIP) – White House spokesman Eric Schultz, in his weekly press briefing on Wednesday assured the American people that the President has the situation “well in hand” and was nearing his goal of fulfilling the promise he made to the nation during his first State of the Union Address nearly six years ago.
“I am pleased to announce that the President is very near completing the promise he made,” said Schultz. “The President shot a 73 yesterday and should qualify as a scratch golfer by the end of his second term.
“His short game has come a long way and he has damn near perfected his draw. Frankly his sand saves have really improved and he’s putting the eyes out of it.”
Reporters later questioned Schultz about the situation in the Ukraine, the threat of the Middle Eastern Caliphate to long term US interests, the stagnate economy and China’s emergence as an Asian power.
“Did you people fucking hear me?” said Schultz. “He’s damn near a scratch golfer. He drilled a 37 foot winding putt yesterday and knocked it stiff from 240 yards on the 8th.”
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“I am pleased to announce that the President is very near completing the promise he made,” said Schultz. “The President shot a 73 yesterday and should qualify as a scratch golfer by the end of his second term.
“His short game has come a long way and he has damn near perfected his draw. Frankly his sand saves have really improved and he’s putting the eyes out of it.”
Reporters later questioned Schultz about the situation in the Ukraine, the threat of the Middle Eastern Caliphate to long term US interests, the stagnate economy and China’s emergence as an Asian power.
“Did you people fucking hear me?” said Schultz. “He’s damn near a scratch golfer. He drilled a 37 foot winding putt yesterday and knocked it stiff from 240 yards on the 8th.”
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Thursday, August 14, 2014
Sterling Buys New Team
LOS ANGELES (AIP) – Donald Sterling, forced to sell the Los Angeles Clippers basketball team by the National Basketball Association (NBA), announced today that he had inked a deal with Herschend Family Entertainment to purchase the Harlem Globetrotters and its sister exhibition squad the Washington Generals.
“Basketball is in my blood,” said Sterling. “Those people in the NBA can force me out, but I’m staying in the game.”
Mark Shapiro, spokesman for Sterling, said that the new owner plans to keep alive the tradition of the Globetrotters, but make a few changes to bring the concept into the 21st century.
“Well, we plan to move the team to Edgefield, South Carolina, to honor the memory of Senator Strom Thrumond, “said Shapiro. “And we’re going to alter the name to the Edgefield Globetrotters. And, of course, we plan to make the all white Generals the perennial victors over the African-American ‘Trotters, in order to follow Mr. Sterling’s business model.”
Famous Globetrotter alumni Meadowlark Lemon refused comment on the deal; however alumni teammate Fred “Curly” Neal did briefly go on the record.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” said Neal.
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“Basketball is in my blood,” said Sterling. “Those people in the NBA can force me out, but I’m staying in the game.”
Mark Shapiro, spokesman for Sterling, said that the new owner plans to keep alive the tradition of the Globetrotters, but make a few changes to bring the concept into the 21st century.
“Well, we plan to move the team to Edgefield, South Carolina, to honor the memory of Senator Strom Thrumond, “said Shapiro. “And we’re going to alter the name to the Edgefield Globetrotters. And, of course, we plan to make the all white Generals the perennial victors over the African-American ‘Trotters, in order to follow Mr. Sterling’s business model.”
Famous Globetrotter alumni Meadowlark Lemon refused comment on the deal; however alumni teammate Fred “Curly” Neal did briefly go on the record.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” said Neal.
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
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