New Congresswoman Decries FSU Loss

TALLAHASSEE, FL (API) – The University of Florida’s 41-14 trouncing of Florida State at Doak Campbell Stadium on Saturday saddened many Seminole football fans, but at least one was angry at the way the Gators defeated FSU.

“The Gators acted like Nazis,” said Representative-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez  (D-NY).  “I was appalled at the way they beat those poor Seminoles, who like the Jews in Germany in 1939 were only trying to escape with their lives.

“When we’re finally sworn in at Congress I can assure you that we will open an investigation into this horrible Third Reich-like massacre and I wouldn’t be surprised to find Adolph Trump behind it all.”

Ocasio-Cortez told reporter that after leaving the stadium her and her party went to the famed Cypress Restaurant for a late dinner.

“I was appalled at our treatment by the management and staff at the Cypress,” said Ocasio-Cortez.  “They acted like Nazis from the moment we arrived.”

President Shuffles Hurricane Name List

WASHINGTON (API) – President Donald Trump, fresh from his stunning political victory gaining conformation for new Supreme Court Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh, today signed an executive order requiring that the next four hurricanes to threaten the continental United States be named Deontae, Patel, Santiago and Shemeka.

Democratic Senator Cory Booker (R-New Jersey) was quick to lash out at the new order.

“This racist order from this racist President is a slap in the face to every person of color in the country,” a visibly anger Booker told reporters.  “I’m not going to mince words.  It's an outrage. He’s a blatant racist.  This is my Martin Luther King Jr. moment.”

White House deputy spokesman Carol McPhee was asked about the President’s response to Booker’s criticism.

“The President is merely attempting to be more inclusive,” McPhee told reporters Thursday.  “After all, the last four major hurricanes to hit this country were named Harvey, Irma, Nate and Michael.”  

Local Girl Does The Expected

Hawthorne Heights, OH (AIP) – Five-year old Curiosity Jenkins has been charged by Hawthorne Heights Police with killing the cat Thursday night. According to the arrest affidavit Curiosity came home from kindergarten, had cookies and milk in the family breakfast nook then went to the garage, picked up a hammer and bludgeoned the cat to death.

“We’ve been expecting this to happen for a long time,” said neighbor Tom Whitman. “We just kind of knew that she would kill the cat.”

Formal charges are expected later this week.

Clinton Join List Of Harassed Women

HOLLYWOOD (AIP) – Former Secretary of State and Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton joined a growing list of celebrity women who claim that Hollywood Film mogul Harvey Weinstein sexually harassed or assaulted them.

“The former First Lady was at a fund raising event in Los Angeles when Weinstein grabbed but her breasts and buttocks and made crude oral sex jokes,” said Clinton spokesperson Uma Andretta. “The indecent both shocked and disturbed Mrs. Clinton and was a major reason behind her loss of the 2016 Presidential election.”

Others aren’t so sure.

“Bullshit,” said Weinstein attorney Marc Cairo in response to reporter’s questions. “I’m calling bullshit on that one.

“My client drinks and takes drugs and is obviously a voracious horn dog, but come on, really? Hillary? Have you seen her ankles? Nobody has ever been that messed up.”

Noted political analyst Melvin Bloom agrees.

“From the emails, tweets, Facebook posts, Instagram posts, text messages, discarded post it notes and unsubstantiated rumors that we’ve studied it appears that the only person who has ever successfully fucked Hillary Clinton against her will was Donald Trump and that happened at the Electoral College and not in Los Angeles,” said Bloom.

Local Man's Charity Donation On Hold

HOLIDAY, FL (AIP) - Local used car salesman Ian Paul wants desperately to donate to charity - any charity- but he simply can't decide which blanket he would rather receive in thanks for his gift.

"I mean, they all have really cool blankets," said Paul. "But I need to find one that really speaks to me and, of course, keeps me warm".

After weeks of keeping himself glued to the television, Paul has narrowed it down to the Shriner's Hospital, Wounded Warriors, and that "freezing dog tied to the fence in the snow group", said Paul.

"They are all worthy," said Paul. "It's a fucking conundrum."

Paul bemoaned the lack of specificity in the otherwise heartbreaking pitches.

"Not one of these groups tells you if their blankets are virgin alpaca or merino," said Paul. "And I, for one, thinks that's damn important.

"If one of these worthy charities would offer a snuggly-like advocacy blanket I be in with all $5.00," Paul told reporters. "I am all for charitable giving. All those groups deserve my support."

Rawl Comes Back

LACANTO, FL (AIP) – Saying that he doesn’t think he’s wounded anymore, carpet installer Andy Rawl told reporters that he’s ready to move along with his life.

“I usually wake up a quivering mass of self-doubt and regret,” Rawl told reporters, holding his first news conference in more than 8 months. “But today? Well today I feel alive and whole. I feel like the bleeding has finally stopped.”

Rawl, whose suddenly developing lack of confidence and angst stunned fans since February of 2017 seems to have regained his old form.

“I woke up today realizing that the nameless pain and sense of loss isn’t unique to me, that pretty much everyone has things in their lives that become festering wounds,” said Rawl. “I just decided to not let those things control my outlook on the future or the way I live my life day by day.”

Time Magazine’s chief personality reporter Melvin Blanc, who has been close friends with Rawl for nearly a decade, commented on Rawl’s psychological rebound.

“I ask him what he thought the future might bring,” said Blanc. “He looked me in the eye and said that he didn’t give a fuck. That’s when I knew he was healed. At that point I actually started to cry. He’s finally ok.”

Clinton Not Subject To Laws

NEW YORK CITY (AIP) – A group of internationally renowned scientists has released the results of their 25-year study and have concluded that former Secretary of State and putative Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton is apparently not subject to the laws of gravity.

“She can literally float above the surface of the planet,” said lead scientist Dr. Bjorn Kennedy. “The laws of gravity that all things on the planet - indeed in the entire universe - are subject to simply do not apply to Mrs. Clinton.”

Reporters covering husband Bill Clinton’s first campaign for President first noticed that Mrs. Clinton seemed to be above certain natural laws more than 25 years ago. That’s when scientists began their study.

“We were dropping her off cliffs and she simply wouldn’t fall,” said Kennedy. “She is, in fact, unable to dive into a swimming pool or even jump rope. She floats above everything and apparently nothing can bring her down.”

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was quick to jump on the study and its conclusions on Tuesday.
“They say she floats but I say that she maliciously hovers,” said Trump at a campaign stop in North Carolina. “She hovers up there, just watching and waiting. It’s creepy.”

Clinton Campaign Gets Needed Boost

PETERBOROUGH, NH (AIP) – The sagging Hillary Clinton campaign, after losing momentum in the run up to the New Hampshire Presidential primary on November 9, enjoyed a much need boost Wednesday when the former Secretary of State announced that she would not attempt to have sexual intercourse with any male supporters during her campaign.

“I was for Bernie (Sanders) because I absolutely couldn’t stomach the idea of having any type of sexual contact with Hillary,” said New Hampshire Democrat Charlie Fincus. “That pants-suited body and those tragic ankles coupled with her horror show laugh turned me off completely.

“But now that she’s promised to not try to screw me I think I can support her.”

Clinton campaign strategist Maura Kelly said the time was right to make the announcement.

“Over time our polling numbers have shown that the vast majority of male voters were aghast at the idea of having sex with Hillary,” said Kelly. “And an even larger group was sickened by the idea of Hillary having sex with anyone, anywhere, any time. Her announcement Wednesday should draw in a large number of new supporters.”

Peterborough resident Mason Hills was one of the many relieved potential voters who attended Wednesday’s rally.

“There is no way I could put my fuck stick in that one,” said Hills. “I’d rather dry hump a bail of barbed wire. Now that the pressure is off I can reexamine her campaign without my gag reflex kicking in.”

Escaped Killers Still On The Lamb

Dannemora, NY (AIP) – In a stunning upset, political unknown Richard Matt has defeated incumbent James Tedisco (R,C,I –Glenvlle) in a election for the New York State Assembly, ending Tedisco’s hold on the seat that began in 2005.

“I can’t tell the wonderful folks of Dannemora how pleased I am to represent them,” said Matt, who first came to national attention when he and fellow convicted murderer David Sweat escaped from the Clinton Correctional Facility in Dannemora. “I can assure the people that I will use the same ‘get it done’ work ethic that I relied on to bang that hideous Joyce Mitchell over 100 times. I hated doing it, but we needed her and the power tools she provided.

"I'm all about getting it done for the good folks here in Dannemora.”

Meanwhile, authorities say that they hope to capture both escaped killers soon.

“We’re checking on some credible leads at this time and we won’t quit until they are recaptured,” said Clinton County District Attorney Andrew Wylie. “We’re hope that folks keep their eyes open and phone us if they see anything suspicious.

"Matt and Sweat will be caught. We will find them."

Matt, whose landslide 73 percent margin of victory set a New York State election record, spoke to supporters in the banquet room of the Hampton in Plattsburgh after his stunning victory.

“You folks are great Americans,” said Matt to the cheering crowd. “I’m going to Albany to represent you.”

In a related story, Matt’s escape accomplice David Sweat and his band The Diggers will be opening for Journey at the LaVell Edwards Stadium in Provo, UT on July 4, 2015.

Boston Bomber Tsarnaev Does An About-Face

BOSTON (AIP) -In an abrupt about face, convicted Boston Marathon Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev - after spending his entire trial smirking at witnesses and victims in his trial - apologized to those same people at the conclusion of the trial’s penalty phase, an action which many see as an attempt to avoid the death penalty.

"I am sorry for the lives I have taken, for the suffering that I have caused you, for the damage I have done, irreparable damage," Tsarnaev, 21, said in a courtroom filled with parents of the dead and some of those wounded in the April 15, 2013 bombing.

Religious experts point to a new fatwa issued by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, head of the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS), informing future jihad martyrs that there has been a ‘slight change’ in the afterlife in light of the tremendous number of women being raped by ISIS fighters. Going forward all future Islamic martyrs would receive 72 male virgins, in lieu of the previously promised 72 female virgins.

“Unfortunately, we’re fresh out of virgin women and will be for the foreseeable future,” the Fatwa states. “Hence forth, upon entering Paradise, everybody gets guys.”

Legal expert Martin Lawrence thinks the new information contained in the fatwa may have had an impact on Tsarnaev’s defense strategy.

“I’m guessing that this new information has suddenly made Paradise a little less attractive to him,” said Lawrence. “In fact, I believe he might have changed his mind about the joys of martyrdom completely.”

More Americans Join ISIS in Syria

NEW YORK (AIP) – Beloved purple and green dinosaur Barney, hero to a myriad of television watching children, has stunned and sadden his audience by leaving the United States and apparently joining others in the ranks of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), according to his longtime manager Buck Woodson.

“I know kids are stunned,” said Woodson. “Hell, I’m stunned. When I saw the video of Barney in the bed of that truck brandishing an AK47 during the battle for Palmyra I was shocked. There’s no mistaking a purple dino carrying an Islamic State flag. It’s him.”

Barney’s radicalization and embracing of ISIS is just the most recent in a growing list of American cartoon characters that have joined the ranks of the radical Islamic group attempting to create a caliphate in the Middle East.

“At first it was just Archie and Jughead so we weren’t really worried,” said Department of Homeland Security undersecretary Carolyn McMichael. “But then Bart Simpson joined, followed by Scooby Doo and Popeye.

“When Charlie Brown and Linus showed up in ISIS videos we knew we were in trouble.”

The Pentagon has announced that artists Stan Lee and Charles Schultz have agreed to consult with military planners on how best to erase the defectors from the battle field.

“We feel very fortunate, national security-wise,that none off the Disney stable of characters has been radicalized up till now,” said McMichael.


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Christmas Confession

Okay… okay. I’ll tell you what you want to know. What you already know.

I guess I just couldn’t stand it anymore…

It wasn’t December 23 like the papers said, it was earlier than that. Maybe the 15th or 16th. I’m not really sure. I had been drinking pretty heavily so things- dates and time – are hazy at best, but it was before the 23rd.

He was sitting in the living room. Just sitting, like usual. He never talked, never acknowledged me. He would just sit for hours sometimes. Watching. Listening. And I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was fed up with it.

I came from behind him and I hit him. I hit him with the roofing hammer I’d used the past summer to replace the shingles over the family room that the storm had blown off. I hit him hard in the back of the head. He fell forward and there was blood, but no sound other than when I hit him. Like a watermelon falling from the kitchen counter and hitting the floor. That thump.

I duct taped his mouth and eyes. He was still breathing. He wasn’t that heavy. I carried him to my car and put him in the trunk.

I drove around for awhile. Finally to the beach. Johns Pass. It was late, after 3. There wasn’t any traffic.

I stopped at the top of the bridge, pulled him out of the trunk. He was still alive I think. I threw him over the side.

Do I feel bad? No. I feel relieved. All the way home that night I remember thinking that he got what he deserved. He was a snitch. “Elf on the Shelf’ will never trouble me again. To this day I think I did the right thing. I’d do it again.”

- Excerpt from video confession. State of Florida v. Randy Hall CRC13-20916CFANO, CT 1: MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE; CT 2: UNLAWFUL DUMPING OF PLUSH TOY.

Bidetgate Nearly Stops Debate

DAVIE, FL (AIP) – The Florida gubernatorial debate between incumbent Republician Governor Rick Scott and challenger and former Governor Charlie Crist almost didn’t occur Thursday night when Scott learned that Crist had a bidet installed behind the lectern on stage at the campus of Broward College.

“Clearly a bidet is a violation of the previously agreed to rules that we had in place,” said Scott spokesman Manuel Fuente. “It certainly gave Crist an unfair advantage and allowed him to be cleaner and fresher than Governor Scott.”

Crist, the Democratic, Republican, Bull Moose, Copperhead, Libertarian, Independent candidate for governor was quick to disagree.

“Each side was allowed a toilet behind their respective lecterns,” said Crist in a telephone interview. “Where I come from a toilet and bidet are natural companions and I think that most Floridians would agree with me. Tidy sanitation is an important issue for the people of Florida. I guess that’s just one more thing that Governor Scott doesn’t understand about Floridians.”

The debate itself, while being completely without substance and nearly worthless as a gage of either candidate’s true political leanings, was delayed six minutes while Scott kicked a dog he and wife Ann Scott had adopted as a political ploy during the last election.

“Both candidates are completely full of shit, and thus the need for toilets behind both lecterns,” said political analyst Susan Mantooth, a political science professor at the University of Florida. “Toilets behind the lecterns allow the debate to flow naturally and without interruption. A bidet is perhaps stretching things a bit, but Governor Scott really should have just gone on stage and debated without making such a big deal of things.”

The final debate, to be held at the University of Miami, will have toilets, bidets and showers behind each lectern for both candidates.


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White House Spokesman Announces Progress

WASHINGTON (AIP) – White House spokesman Eric Schultz, in his weekly press briefing on Wednesday assured the American people that the President has the situation “well in hand” and was nearing his goal of fulfilling the promise he made to the nation during his first State of the Union Address nearly six years ago.

“I am pleased to announce that the President is very near completing the promise he made,” said Schultz. “The President shot a 73 yesterday and should qualify as a scratch golfer by the end of his second term.

“His short game has come a long way and he has damn near perfected his draw. Frankly his sand saves have really improved and he’s putting the eyes out of it.”

Reporters later questioned Schultz about the situation in the Ukraine, the threat of the Middle Eastern Caliphate to long term US interests, the stagnate economy and China’s emergence as an Asian power.

“Did you people fucking hear me?” said Schultz. “He’s damn near a scratch golfer. He drilled a 37 foot winding putt yesterday and knocked it stiff from 240 yards on the 8th.”


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Near Tragedy Changes Lives

TACOMA, WA (AIP) – Childhood friends Dwight Moore and Kyle McQuade have seen been through some tough times together, but what happened to them Friday has changed both men’s live forever.

“We stopped at the Twisted Soul for happy hour, like we’ve done for years,” said Moore. “We were sitting at the bar in our usual places. That’s when the nightmare started.”

McQuade said that both men had just ordered their second beers from bartender AnnMarie.

“I saw the woman first, standing at the juke box with her back toward us,” said McQuade. “She had on an incredibly short dress, fantastic ass and long tan legs and high heels. She was bent slightly at the waist toward the juke box. I nudged Dwight and he saw her immediately.”

“I said something like ‘wow’”, said Moore. “She finished picking songs, Maroon 5 I believe, and then she turned around.”

“It was fucking hideous,” said McQuade. “I have never seen such an ugly face on another living being.”

“Easily the most heinous creature I’ve ever witnessed,” said Moore, a two-tour Iraqi Marine Corps veteran, who broke down in tears several times during this interview. “She walked by us going back to her table and smiled at me. I was torn between the desire to cower under my barstool, or conversely to bludgeon her to death.”

“I guess it’s true,” said McQuade, an assistant medical examiner with the Pierce County Coroner’s office. “You really can’t judge a book by its ass. Her face was like something out of a Joseph Vargo gothic print about people in hell.”

Since the incident both men have stopped drinking.

“A few more that day and I might have walked over to the juke box and tried to strike up a conversation with her,” said Moore. “I thank God that I was sober when I first saw her backside.”


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Adult Film Industry In Peril

CHATSWORTH, CA (AIP) – In a move that is sending shivers of terror down the spines of pornographic film production companies and actors, Martin Littleman of Valdosta, GA, has announced that he intends to cancel his subscriptions to the roughly 289 internet porn sites he has paid memberships to because he has “finally met a girl that doesn’t think sex is ‘icky’”.

“I met Candice and we hit it off really well,” said Littleman. “She’s a great girl. We have sex three or four times a week now and then actually talk afterward. Since I met her the hand towels in the bathroom are no longer stiff.”

Porn industry investor Marvin Banisoffsky said the Littleman move could be devastating to the adult film industry.

“This guy has been our bread and butter,” said Banisoffsky, speaking from his production facility in Chatsworth. “His exit from the scene could cause many companies to simply shut down because they can’t pay the bills. A lot of the talent is going to be looking for work outside the industry.”

Littleman said that string of adult actors have come to visit him since he decided to stop singlehandedly supporting the business.

“Candy Cummings, Betty Boobs, Little Oral Annie. They’ve all stopped by my apartment,” said Littleman. “It’s hard to tell them goodbye but since I’ve had actual, physical contact with a real live woman who enjoys me sexually and emotionally I really don’t need them anymore.”

Adult actor Little Oral Annie is afraid for the future.

“I can't believe he's leaving like this," said Annie. "He's been squeezing off knuckle children and watching me perform demeaning and souless acts with complete strangers for years. I thought I was important to Martin.

"I guess I could try straight acting, but my voice is squeaky and my ability to actually project emotion is about nil. I’ve got to find some kind of work. I’m still paying for these damn boobs.”

In a related move that is causing energy drink industry executives to lose sleep, Littleman is also rumored to be contemplating cutting back on his consumption of Red Bull and Rockstar.

“I’m tired of shaking all the time,” said Littleman.



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Superhero Retires

LARGO, FL (AIP) - Randy Hall, a Stan Lee created superhero, has announced that he's hanging up his signature Joseph A. Banks tux and checkerboard Vans. He'll no longer be "the Guy" that shows up in the nick of time to pay the bar tabs of really hot girls way too young for him when they forget their wallets.

"It was a nice run," said Hall, contacted in the Baypointe Assisted Living Facility. "But frankly I've put out a lot of green for very little carpet."

Hall, whose "just in time to pay the tab" exploits amused a generation of cartoon loving kids made his career on being at the right bar at the right time with the right money to save the day and nail a piece of ass.

"The public will miss him," said Joules Davis, curator of the New York City Museum of Cultural Arts. "Frankly it's a sad day for superheros."

Hall, teared and clearly distraught, said he's going in another direction in the future. "I believe I'll go to mission work. Shit, I ment missionary work. Don't cost as much. Better ROI."

Clinton New Book An Eye Opener

NEW YORK (AIP) – In her new ‘tell all’ book Hard Choices about the lean years the Clinton family faced after leaving the White House "flat broke" former First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton recounts how she had to “suck a few cocks” in order to make ends meet.

“I was out there on East Fiftieth Street near the Waldorf-Astoria looking for johns,” writes Clinton. “I’d do eight, nine guys a day which would bring home $160 to $180. It was tough work. The other girls didn’t have to overcome the kankle problem I had, but I discounted my rate and did okay.

“At first Bill was indignant but I explained to him that I wasn’t having sex with those men, just blowing them. And besides, it kept him in Big Macs and malt liquor. He never stopped complaining that I smelled like other men’s balls however. I did a lot of breath mints in those days.”

The book further relates the troubles young Chelsea Clinton faced.

“Bill and I were both thrilled that Chelsea is going to give birth to our first grandson,” writes Hillary. “We were a little afraid that the several abortions she went through after we left the White House might make a normal pregnancy impossible. “

Clinton’s book tour has not been producing the crowds and buzz she had hoped for. Early supporters thought that the tour might dovetail nicely into a 2016 run for the presidency.

“Nobody’s really showing up,” said Clinton. “So I sit at a Barnes and Nobles in Salt Lake City for a few hours drinking coffee. Later, of course, I’m out making a buck. When it's money I'll do about anything - oral, anal whatever. They only thing I won't do is talk about Benghazi.”

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Georgia-Pacific Scores Legal Victory

ATLANTA (AIP) – Georgia-Pacific Consumer Productions Corporation, parent company of Brawny Paper Towels, scored a major product protection victory in the United States District Court when that court granted injunctive relief to the company in its suit against Rome, GA, resident Milley Crawford, who the company claims has been misusing it’s product.

“Thankfully the Court realized that our products need to be protected,” said Georgia-Pacific lead counsel Christopher Winegalze.

In late August or 2013, Rome, Ga., resident Michael Clayton, Crawford’s boyfriend at the time, contacted the company and complained about Crawford’s misuse of Brawny Paper Towels.

“She’d leave me notes on the counter all the time,” said Clayton. “She’d write them on sheets of Brawny. You know, ‘I love you’ or ‘Hope your day went well’. At first I found it endearing and cute, but then it got out of control.

“I’d come home from work and there would be a 30-sheet note from her on the kitchen counter and another empty brown cardboard tube in the paper towel holder. She’d use a Sharpe to write occasionally, which would bleed through the paper towel and stain the counter.”

By July of 2013, Clayton had finally had enough.

“We’d had a fight the night before and when I got home there was what amounted to a manifesto piled up next to the sink,” said Clayton. “Bitch went through a complete double roll. That’s when I made the call.”

After being alerted about the misuse of its product, Winegalze immediately file for relief in the US District Court.

“Back in 2001 we had to do pretty much the same thing to stop 12-year old Billy McCallister from fashioning our paper towels into spitballs,” said Winegalze. “I mean, it says right on the label that it’s to be used for washing, wiping and drying only.”

Crawford declined comment for this story.


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American Airlines Announces New Fee

NEW YORK (AIP) – American Airlines, the nation’s largest commercial passenger carrier, citing increased fuel costs and a drop in travel announced today that it would begin charging a fee of $125 for each customer who boards a domestic or international flight with excess emotional baggage.

“It’s only fair,” said American spokesman Thomas Lafferety. “Folks who travel with us and are uncomfortable with their sordid lives, horrible pasts and hopeless futures should pay their fair share. Well adjusted passengers have historically been footing a disproportionate cost for air travel.”

Lafferety said that American Airlines has partnered with the Church of Scientology to install E-meters at its boarding gate to gage the weight of emotional baggage that each passenger is carrying. Too heavy and the $125 fee kicks in.

“The whole process is very quick,” said Lafferety. “It shouldn’t add any wait time to the present security preflight check of our customers.”

Long time business flier Katie Cummings, a Sterling Chase Investments vice president, is unhappy with the new fee.

“I’ve had three ruined marriages,” said Cummings, visibly upset with the announced added charge. “I’ve had to sleep my way to the top of my profession, which means that I drink quite a bit just to be able to live inside my own skin. Perhaps if my father had cared a little more and paid more attention to me I wouldn’t have to pay out the ass just to fly to San Francisco.”

Ronco Corporation salesman Marty Marlin, who flies several times a month for business and has a stable and fulfilling life, disagrees.

“I feel good about myself and my life,” said Marlin. “I think it’s only fair that those people whose lives are defined by past failures and future fears should pay their fair share.”

“We want all of our customers to be happy,” said Lafferety. “Unfortunately for us, many of them never will be. Those fliers are going to have to pay extra for bringing the rest of our customers down.”



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