WASHINGTON D.C – The United States Probation Office for the District of Columbia announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has once again failed a random drug test, causing his probation officer to forward a violation of probation affidavit to the Court.
“This is the fourth time the Vice President has pissed dirty,” said probation officer Roslyn Jefferson. “He’s also behind in his financial obligations and has missed a couple of required meetings.”
Mr. Biden has been on probation since April 1, 2016 after pleading guilty to his third DUI. The conviction came after Mr. Biden wrapped his 1968 Chevy Camaro around a tree just off Pennsylvania Avenue in downtown Washington in a one car, 3:00 a.m. accident. Officers at the scene said that the Vice President was belligerent and reeked of alcohol.
“You fucking pigs know who I am?” Mr. Biden is alleged to have been screaming at the time of his arrest according to the incident report. The report also states that officers were ‘forced to escort the defendant to the ground’ in order to effect the arrest.
In a written statement to the press President Barak Obama said that Mr. Biden’s recent failure to complete probation greatly upset both himself and wife Michelle.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Friday, February 26, 2016
Rubio Refutes Trump Allegations
JOHNSON CITY, TN (AIP) - In a campaign rally here today leading Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump called rival Marco Rubio a "fucking punk bitch".
"If we were in prison, Marco and I, I would so be sodomizing him on like a regular basis," Trump told a cheering crowd at Johnson City's Freedom Hall. "I would toss his salad daily."
Rubio, campaigning in Knoxville, began shaking visibly when told of Trump's remarks.
"You don't think he'd actually try to that, do you?" he asked reporters. "I mean that would really hurt. I will never submit willingly. I'd resist."
In later remarks Trump amplified his earlier statements.
"That bitch Rubio would be wearing coral rose lipstick and sucking my cock everyday in the exercise yard," said Trump. "He'd learn to love it."
"That's another con man game lie. I would never love it," retorted Rubio.
"If we were in prison, Marco and I, I would so be sodomizing him on like a regular basis," Trump told a cheering crowd at Johnson City's Freedom Hall. "I would toss his salad daily."
Rubio, campaigning in Knoxville, began shaking visibly when told of Trump's remarks.
"You don't think he'd actually try to that, do you?" he asked reporters. "I mean that would really hurt. I will never submit willingly. I'd resist."
In later remarks Trump amplified his earlier statements.
"That bitch Rubio would be wearing coral rose lipstick and sucking my cock everyday in the exercise yard," said Trump. "He'd learn to love it."
"That's another con man game lie. I would never love it," retorted Rubio.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Clinton Campaign Gets Needed Boost
PETERBOROUGH, NH (AIP) – The sagging Hillary Clinton campaign, after losing momentum in the run up to the New Hampshire Presidential primary on November 9, enjoyed a much need boost Wednesday when the former Secretary of State announced that she would not attempt to have sexual intercourse with any male supporters during her campaign.
“I was for Bernie (Sanders) because I absolutely couldn’t stomach the idea of having any type of sexual contact with Hillary,” said New Hampshire Democrat Charlie Fincus. “That pants-suited body and those tragic ankles coupled with her horror show laugh turned me off completely.
“But now that she’s promised to not try to screw me I think I can support her.”
Clinton campaign strategist Maura Kelly said the time was right to make the announcement.
“Over time our polling numbers have shown that the vast majority of male voters were aghast at the idea of having sex with Hillary,” said Kelly. “And an even larger group was sickened by the idea of Hillary having sex with anyone, anywhere, any time. Her announcement Wednesday should draw in a large number of new supporters.”
Peterborough resident Mason Hills was one of the many relieved potential voters who attended Wednesday’s rally.
“There is no way I could put my fuck stick in that one,” said Hills. “I’d rather dry hump a bail of barbed wire. Now that the pressure is off I can reexamine her campaign without my gag reflex kicking in.”
“I was for Bernie (Sanders) because I absolutely couldn’t stomach the idea of having any type of sexual contact with Hillary,” said New Hampshire Democrat Charlie Fincus. “That pants-suited body and those tragic ankles coupled with her horror show laugh turned me off completely.
“But now that she’s promised to not try to screw me I think I can support her.”
Clinton campaign strategist Maura Kelly said the time was right to make the announcement.
“Over time our polling numbers have shown that the vast majority of male voters were aghast at the idea of having sex with Hillary,” said Kelly. “And an even larger group was sickened by the idea of Hillary having sex with anyone, anywhere, any time. Her announcement Wednesday should draw in a large number of new supporters.”
Peterborough resident Mason Hills was one of the many relieved potential voters who attended Wednesday’s rally.
“There is no way I could put my fuck stick in that one,” said Hills. “I’d rather dry hump a bail of barbed wire. Now that the pressure is off I can reexamine her campaign without my gag reflex kicking in.”
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Greece Stops The Financial Bleeding
VAN NUYS, CA (AIP) – After almost two years of tottering on the brink of financial ruin and threatening to destabilize the entire European Union, Greece today announced that it had won the Powerball Lottery and was fiscally sound again.
“It’s a godsend,” Greece told reporters on Thursday. “When I saw that Powerball come up I had this feeling that I was going to win it all. This 1.4 large is really going to go a long way toward turning things around for me.”
Lottery officials were pleased that so deserving a nation could win the big one.
“It’s good to see a poor country finally have something good happen to it,” said Lottery spokesman Daryl Mays.
The only kink in the storybook windfall for Greece was the Germany reaction.
“We actually loaned Greece the money to buy the quick picks,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel. “Greece didn’t have a pot to piss in without us. I’ll be speaking to attorneys about possible legal recourses to claim at least a portion of the prize money.”
Despite Greece’s vow to become financially stable going forward, reporters did note that Greece was spotted at LA’s trendy Rooftop at the Standard bar with porn starlets Tori Black and Jayden Jaymes.
“They’re old friends,” said Greece when questioned by reporters. “I just wanted to get together and have a nice lunch before I returned to Europe with the big check.”
“It’s a godsend,” Greece told reporters on Thursday. “When I saw that Powerball come up I had this feeling that I was going to win it all. This 1.4 large is really going to go a long way toward turning things around for me.”
Lottery officials were pleased that so deserving a nation could win the big one.
“It’s good to see a poor country finally have something good happen to it,” said Lottery spokesman Daryl Mays.
The only kink in the storybook windfall for Greece was the Germany reaction.
“We actually loaned Greece the money to buy the quick picks,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel. “Greece didn’t have a pot to piss in without us. I’ll be speaking to attorneys about possible legal recourses to claim at least a portion of the prize money.”
Despite Greece’s vow to become financially stable going forward, reporters did note that Greece was spotted at LA’s trendy Rooftop at the Standard bar with porn starlets Tori Black and Jayden Jaymes.
“They’re old friends,” said Greece when questioned by reporters. “I just wanted to get together and have a nice lunch before I returned to Europe with the big check.”
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Club Offers Exciting Promotional
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL (AIP) – The Pure Platinum Gentlemen’s Club, one of the oldest and finest gentlemen’s clubs on the East Coast of Florida has announced a new customer promotional which has patrons excited.
“Our normal cover charge is $10 for patrons entering the club,” said Platinum manager Ty Bignotti. “But we’ve worked out a special offer for our customers.
“Beginning Friday night, any customer who arrives with a child that is left in his vehicle while the customer enjoys the hospitality of our club will have the cover fee waived.”
Local tire store employee Max Reynolds is excited about the offer.
“Shit, I’ve got the kids every Friday night ‘cause the old lady works,” said Reynolds. “I’ve been letting them sleep in the car in the club’s parking lot for months now while I relax and unwind. I’m club Pure Platinum is finally recognizing me for that.”
Manager Bignotti says that the time youngsters spend in his parking lot can be a teaching moment.
“Everyone knows that kids as young as three or four can take care of themselves,” said Bignotti. “They’re safer in locked cars as long as daddy makes sure the windows are up. The time alone at night teaches these kids self reliance and bladder control.
"And we keep our parking lot dark as midnight so the kids can sleep."
Club patron Ryan McCandell has made plans to attend on the first night of the promotional.
“I don’t have any kids of my own, but I’ve offered to babysit my neighbor's five and six year olds that Friday,” said McCandell. “I’ll be there to tie one on.”
“Our normal cover charge is $10 for patrons entering the club,” said Platinum manager Ty Bignotti. “But we’ve worked out a special offer for our customers.
“Beginning Friday night, any customer who arrives with a child that is left in his vehicle while the customer enjoys the hospitality of our club will have the cover fee waived.”
Local tire store employee Max Reynolds is excited about the offer.
“Shit, I’ve got the kids every Friday night ‘cause the old lady works,” said Reynolds. “I’ve been letting them sleep in the car in the club’s parking lot for months now while I relax and unwind. I’m club Pure Platinum is finally recognizing me for that.”
Manager Bignotti says that the time youngsters spend in his parking lot can be a teaching moment.
“Everyone knows that kids as young as three or four can take care of themselves,” said Bignotti. “They’re safer in locked cars as long as daddy makes sure the windows are up. The time alone at night teaches these kids self reliance and bladder control.
"And we keep our parking lot dark as midnight so the kids can sleep."
Club patron Ryan McCandell has made plans to attend on the first night of the promotional.
“I don’t have any kids of my own, but I’ve offered to babysit my neighbor's five and six year olds that Friday,” said McCandell. “I’ll be there to tie one on.”
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Protestors Firmly In Control At Mizzou
COLUMBIA, MO (AIP) – The group Concerned Student 1950 began the ritual executions of professors and staffers at the University of Missouri on Wednesday, vowing to cleanse the campus of “unrighteous, bigoted and racist” university personnel.
“These motherfuckers are going to lose their heads,” said student activist and Concerned Student 1950 leader Marcus Washburn. “We’re going to drive elitist behavior, white privilege and tough curriculum right off of this campus at knife point.”
Three professors from the History Department were decapitated late Wednesday, according to a video posted on YouTube by a group claiming to be the Revolutionary Peoples Student Government, a heretofore unknown organization.
The video purports to show the three white professors, each over 60, being forced to kneel and then hoodie-wearing students can be seen taking large knives and decapitating the victims. A voice-over on the video announces that the students at the University of Missouri are sick and tired of racism and disrespect, white privilege, bigotry and tough academic standards.
“Kids will be kids,” said Missouri Department of Investigation head Culpepper Lee. “We all had some wild times in college. They’ll outgrow this.”
Meanwhile protestors clashed with graduate student teachers near the campus gym, the last stronghold of academia. Protesters vowed to “clean out that nest of racism and put all resistance to the sword.”
“These motherfuckers are going to lose their heads,” said student activist and Concerned Student 1950 leader Marcus Washburn. “We’re going to drive elitist behavior, white privilege and tough curriculum right off of this campus at knife point.”
Three professors from the History Department were decapitated late Wednesday, according to a video posted on YouTube by a group claiming to be the Revolutionary Peoples Student Government, a heretofore unknown organization.
The video purports to show the three white professors, each over 60, being forced to kneel and then hoodie-wearing students can be seen taking large knives and decapitating the victims. A voice-over on the video announces that the students at the University of Missouri are sick and tired of racism and disrespect, white privilege, bigotry and tough academic standards.
“Kids will be kids,” said Missouri Department of Investigation head Culpepper Lee. “We all had some wild times in college. They’ll outgrow this.”
Meanwhile protestors clashed with graduate student teachers near the campus gym, the last stronghold of academia. Protesters vowed to “clean out that nest of racism and put all resistance to the sword.”
Fiorina Files Suit
LAS VEGAS (AIP) – Republican presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina today filed suit in federal court against the Mirror, Mirror On The Wall Company, makers of the world famous interactive mirror, contending that her mirror has told her for several years that she is the fairest of the all and that simply isn’t true.
“As much as I find him distasteful, what Donald Trump said about me is unfortunately true,” said Fiorina, speaking to reporters at the Las Vegas Convention Center Tuesday. “It seems that my face really does make me unelectable. My mirror never once told me that.”
Max Prior, spokesman for the Mirror, Mirror Company, defended the manufacture’s most popular product.
“It’s a comfort device,” said Prior. “Do women really want to go into their bathrooms every morning and hear that Candice Swanepoel is the fairest of them all? Does a woman really want to hear that she’s the 3,429,356,623rd fairest woman in the world? Of course not. Our mirror makes women feel good about themselves.”
In related legal news, Fiorina’s suit against the Jack Agricultural Products company continues to work its way through the courts. In that suit, attorneys for Fiorina contend that she was injured when the bean stock grown from Jack’s Magic Beans collapsed while the candidate was attempting an ascent to the Giant’s castle.
“As much as I find him distasteful, what Donald Trump said about me is unfortunately true,” said Fiorina, speaking to reporters at the Las Vegas Convention Center Tuesday. “It seems that my face really does make me unelectable. My mirror never once told me that.”
Max Prior, spokesman for the Mirror, Mirror Company, defended the manufacture’s most popular product.
“It’s a comfort device,” said Prior. “Do women really want to go into their bathrooms every morning and hear that Candice Swanepoel is the fairest of them all? Does a woman really want to hear that she’s the 3,429,356,623rd fairest woman in the world? Of course not. Our mirror makes women feel good about themselves.”
In related legal news, Fiorina’s suit against the Jack Agricultural Products company continues to work its way through the courts. In that suit, attorneys for Fiorina contend that she was injured when the bean stock grown from Jack’s Magic Beans collapsed while the candidate was attempting an ascent to the Giant’s castle.
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