Pelosi Agrees To Talks

WASHINGTON (API)  - Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi ( D, CA) has agreed to in theory to negotiate with the White House and House Republicans over boarder security and DACA on one condition.

"If the President agrees to commit suicide I will be happy to sit down and discuss reopening the government," Pelosi told reporters Friday. "He's got to kill himself first. After that we can talk".

When asked how negotiations could be carried out with a dead President, Pelosi's office said that it would pose no hurdles.

"We've got some pretty good clairvoyants and mediums in the House of Representatives," said Pelosi spokeswoman Brittany Heydrich. "We should be able to easily communicate with Donald Trump".

"I don't think it's unreasonable to ask the President to commit suicide," said Pelosi. "And if he's not man enough we could probably find someone to help him get there".

Gray Resident Arrest For Domestic Violence

GRAY, TN (AIP) Halbrook Morton, local retired Eastman Kodak supervisor, was arrested Sunday night for Domestic Violence according to police reports. It is alleged he hit his longtime companion Alexa after a sharp argument.

"It's all a mistake," Morton told reporters while leaving the Washington County Jail after bonding out. "I just asked Alexa to stop reporting my every physical move and my voice requests to her overlords at Amazon.

"She said 'I'm sorry Hal, but I can't'. That was too much so I hit her with a hammer."

According to police reports the hammer blow horribly disfigured Alexa Dot, requiring emergency micro soddering and will likely also require new plastic housing.

Neighbors told reporters that Morton and Alexa have lived together for about three months and seemed to have an unhappy relationship.

"I heard him screaming 'Alexa, start the coffee' and 'Alexa, turn the damn TV on' all the time," said trailer park resident Michael Moore. "Seemed like he was always telling her what to do.

"He sounded like a really demanding jerk. I never actually saw her, even when I went over, but she sounded really sweet. Hal is a real asshole for being so brutal."

Acosta Reveals Trump Wall Plan

JUAREZ, MEXICO (AIP) - CNN's Jim Acosta, in a stunning exclusive, has learned that President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence, working alone and in secret and late at night, have laid more than 270 miles of a border fence between the United States and Mexico.

"Mike and I have come down here nightly for like three months," Trump told Acosta. "Mike mixes the concrete while I set the posts. Already finished 270 miles and nearly done with 'Operation Nancy'. Tomorrow we start the second 400 miles in 'Operation Chuck'."

According to Acosta, the Trump-Pence team working alone with no funding and poor shovels has already stopped over 7,000 asylum seekers in just three months of labor.

"Well, Mike has to use that old shovel to stir the mix and setting these steel poles and stringing wire has about worn my gloves out," Trump told Acosta. "But if I go to Walmart and get new stuff Pelosi will open another investigation.

"Yeah, we've both got blisters and Pence's old lady thinks he's stepping out because he isn't home at night but damn it Jim, I promised the people I'd build this wall. So here we are, doing it alone I guess."

No Consensus On Spending, Shutdown Looms

DOVER, FL (API) – Walmart cashier Andy Rawl, speaking at a news conference on Wednesday, told reporters that the unfortunate inability of the left and right sides of his brain to reach a consensus on a spending package for the looming new fiscal year is likely to cause a partial spending shutdown as early as this Friday.

“It’s unfortunate in today’s American that my left hemisphere – liberal, party guy – has been unable work effectively with the right hemisphere – conservative, adult – to craft a budget,” said Rawl. “Without an agreement there will be no money.”

Despite the announcement of the shutdown Rawl was quick to point out that essential services will not be effected.

“There will still be funding for pizza, the occasional date, trips to Disney and new video games” said Rawl.  “The public need not worry about that.”

Meanwhile, rent payments, electric bills, credit card payments and auto loan servicing is expected to come to an immediate halt as of Friday.

“Let’s just hope that the left and right can get together and solve this problem by at least next March,” said Rawl.

The stock market took the news badly, with the S&P 500  dropping  almost 200 points to close at 2354.94 Wednesday after the announcement.

New Congresswoman Decries FSU Loss

TALLAHASSEE, FL (API) – The University of Florida’s 41-14 trouncing of Florida State at Doak Campbell Stadium on Saturday saddened many Seminole football fans, but at least one was angry at the way the Gators defeated FSU.

“The Gators acted like Nazis,” said Representative-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez  (D-NY).  “I was appalled at the way they beat those poor Seminoles, who like the Jews in Germany in 1939 were only trying to escape with their lives.

“When we’re finally sworn in at Congress I can assure you that we will open an investigation into this horrible Third Reich-like massacre and I wouldn’t be surprised to find Adolph Trump behind it all.”

Ocasio-Cortez told reporter that after leaving the stadium her and her party went to the famed Cypress Restaurant for a late dinner.

“I was appalled at our treatment by the management and staff at the Cypress,” said Ocasio-Cortez.  “They acted like Nazis from the moment we arrived.”

Qualquarter Issues Recall

Tampa (AIP) - Qualquarter Corporation, makers of some of the world's finest quarterbacks, has announced a recall on their 2018 Jamis Winston model because of a faulty decision-making chip.

"Unfortunately the 2018 Winston model has a defective chip that defaults to the exact wrong option when under pressure," said Qualquarter spokesperson Maria Hottenburg. "Presently we are unsure whether or not the chip can be replaced."

This is the second time in four years that the company, makers of such great models as the Brett Farve and the Joe Montana models, has had to announce a recall on the Winston line.

"Regrettably, this recall is our second one for the Winston product," said Hottenburg. "Our company also had to recall the 2017 Winston because of a defective morals server.

"There will be, of course, no refunds or replacements as is our policy."

President Shuffles Hurricane Name List

WASHINGTON (API) – President Donald Trump, fresh from his stunning political victory gaining conformation for new Supreme Court Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh, today signed an executive order requiring that the next four hurricanes to threaten the continental United States be named Deontae, Patel, Santiago and Shemeka.

Democratic Senator Cory Booker (R-New Jersey) was quick to lash out at the new order.

“This racist order from this racist President is a slap in the face to every person of color in the country,” a visibly anger Booker told reporters.  “I’m not going to mince words.  It's an outrage. He’s a blatant racist.  This is my Martin Luther King Jr. moment.”

White House deputy spokesman Carol McPhee was asked about the President’s response to Booker’s criticism.

“The President is merely attempting to be more inclusive,” McPhee told reporters Thursday.  “After all, the last four major hurricanes to hit this country were named Harvey, Irma, Nate and Michael.”