Gray Resident Arrest For Domestic Violence

GRAY, TN (AIP) Halbrook Morton, local retired Eastman Kodak supervisor, was arrested Sunday night for Domestic Violence according to police reports. It is alleged he hit his longtime companion Alexa after a sharp argument.

"It's all a mistake," Morton told reporters while leaving the Washington County Jail after bonding out. "I just asked Alexa to stop reporting my every physical move and my voice requests to her overlords at Amazon.

"She said 'I'm sorry Hal, but I can't'. That was too much so I hit her with a hammer."

According to police reports the hammer blow horribly disfigured Alexa Dot, requiring emergency micro soddering and will likely also require new plastic housing.

Neighbors told reporters that Morton and Alexa have lived together for about three months and seemed to have an unhappy relationship.

"I heard him screaming 'Alexa, start the coffee' and 'Alexa, turn the damn TV on' all the time," said trailer park resident Michael Moore. "Seemed like he was always telling her what to do.

"He sounded like a really demanding jerk. I never actually saw her, even when I went over, but she sounded really sweet. Hal is a real asshole for being so brutal."

In Doubt?

A rather blustery day...

Former Teacher Sues School Board Over Firing

AIKEN, SC (AIP) – Local resident Marty St. Croix has filed suit in the United States District Court for the District of South Carolina seeking to force the Aiken County School Board to reinstate him and pay back wages for what he claims is his illegally firing because of his sexual orientation.

“I can’t believe it has come to this,” said St. Croix, a 37-year old science teacher who spent 13 years teaching at South Aiken High School until school board members learned about his lifestyle from his Facebook posts. “I never hid the fact that I was a male lesbian. Everybody knew that I dug chicks.

“When I was young the other guys at school made fun of me because I liked the ladies. They’d call me names and I got beaten up on a fairly regular basis. I don’t like being a male lesbian but I was born this way.”

Lewis Carpenter, attorney for the Aiken County School Board, said he wouldn’t normally comment on pending legal action but would make an exception in this case.

“St. Croix is one sick fuck,” said Carpenter contacted Sunday on his way to church. “He has sex with women. I don’t mean little, under aged girls, I mean adult women. He’s a male lesbian and it makes my skin and the skins of our community crawl just thinking about it.”

Legal scholar Marion Richardson, professor of law at the University of South Carolina, thinks St. Croix’s chances to prevail are strong.

“The courts have long held that sexual preference is not a lawful reason to terminate an employee,” said Richardson. “It’s unfortunate because people like St. Croix disgust me. I personally think he should be destroyed like a dangerous bacillus.”

St. Croix thinks that he lifestyle is just misunderstood.

“I just like having sex with women,” said St. Croix. “It’s nothing kinky or dirty: missionary, doggie, reverse cowboy. Just sex. I just enjoy a nice pair of yabos and a wet vagina. A lot of folks might think that it’s sick for a guy to feel this way but it’s how I am.”

Oral argument in the suit is set to begin in the District Court on Monday.


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Redskins To Be Renamed

Washington (AIP) - Bowing to intense pressure from powerful critics, including 49 Democratic United States Senators, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder today announced that he plans to change the team's name.

"From now only this team will be known as The Cunts," said Snyder at Friday's press conference. "I'm profoundly sorry if our previous name offended anyone."

Snyder said that team attorneys have already obtained a copywrite on the new moniker and artists are presently working on a new symbol for the sides of player's helmets.

"We, the Cunts, are moving forward and hoping to put all this talk about offending folks in the past and just play ball," said Snyder.


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Fed Concerned About Contraction

NEW YORK (AIP) – Janet Yellen, Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve Bank, today announced that the Fed expects the economy to contract by as much as 16 percent in the coming quarter due to the lack of ink used to print United State currency.

“We all know that ink is the lifeblood of the US economy,” said Yellen. “Without that ink there can be absolutely no illusion of growth in the financial system.  We’re about to see a meltdown of the economy.  Jobs will be lost. The middle class with suffer.”

Spokesman Gary Shinara at the Dallas branch of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing confirms Yellen’s statements about the lack of ink for bills of all denominations of currency.

“No ink.  Can’t get a drop,” said Shinara.

The critical lack of the distinctive green and other inks used to print the bills comes as a result of a workers strike which has halted production in the only plant worldwide that makes the ink, the VONG Chemical factory located in the Vietnamese village of Bien Hoa on the banks of the Dong Nai River near Ho Chi Minh City.

“We have been on strike for six months,” said worker representative Vo Chi Cong, contacted by phone.  “The 217 people who work in this factory have been responsible for whatever growth the US economy has shown since 2008 and yet we work for the equivalent of $2.87 a week.  That’s bullshit.”

As many as 16 committees and sub committees of both the US House of Representatives and Senate will be holding hearings in the coming weeks to explore the economically devastating lack of ink.

Senator Max Goldblum (D-Oregon) is sponsoring a bill to raise the minimum wage in Vietnam to get the factory workers back on the job.

“The ink must flow in order to keep up the economic sleight of hand,” said Goldblum.

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Last Private Refinery To Close

Bethesda, MD (AIP) -The last privately owned bullshit refinery in the nation is closing at the end of the month, a victim of new federal regulations which owners say are driving them out of business and costing hundreds of American jobs.

"The government is putting us out of business, like it has all the other bullshit refineries," said Franklin Friday, 3rd generation refinery owner. "The Feds have wanted a monopoly on bullshit production for 50 years and it looks like they’re finally getting it. The only bullshit available after the end of this month will come straight from the government.

“The EPA issued a whole new set of rules regulating the MAPE (maximum allowable pungency emissions) that we can’t possibly meet in the time frame mandated and then exempted themselves from those regulations.”

At the height of private production there were 27 bullshit refineries operating in the United States. Texas alone boasted four. Now they're all gone.

"The Fed has built an incredibly large bullshit refinery near D.C. and can produce more bullshit at a lower cost than we can," Said Friday. "They’re using tax dollars to subsidize bullshit production.”

Federal officials agree that the government will be the sole producer of bullshit in the future, but say they haven’t driven anyone out of business. They argue that it’s the poor quality of privately refined bullshit that has driven private firms out of business.

"The government can refine bullshit to a purity that the private sector can only dream about," said Malcolm Glades, deputy director of bullshit operations at the Washington-area plant. "Privately produced bullshit is only about 60 percent pure. It’s contaminated with a healthy amount of truth. Federal government bullshit is 99 percent pure bullshit, there's no truth in it."

Glades expects that the quantity of bullshit coming from the government will increase exponentially in the coming months.

"Our goal is to be at maximum production by November," said Glades.

Meanwhile Bullshit Detector sales are down 60 percent this year.

"It’s like people don’t even want to identify bullshit anymore", said Riley Scott, president of the Bullshit Detector Trade Association.

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Conspiracy Theorists Tout New Evidence

THE HAGUE – Conspiracy theorists who have long claimed that world events are actually controlled by an elite and mysterious few powerful men known as the “Illuminati” received a boost Friday when researchers at an abandon storage site here unearthed what purports to the Illuminati’s Daily Planner from 1968.

“Finally we’ve got some hard proof,” said lead conspiracy theorist Bartlett St. James, who flow to The Hague to examine the book. “We’ve known all along that the Rothschild’s and the Rockefellers control everything.  Now we’ve got some pretty strong proof that we aren’t the insane nut jobs that people have said we are.”

The daily planner, an innocuous- looking brown leather legal sized book was found in an old filing cabinet under empty file folders.  On the front inside leaf is clearly written “Illuminati Daily Planner, 1968.”  According to St. James the book, if authentic, holds some pretty explosive revelations.

“I turned to the June 5^th page and at the very top is ‘Have R. Kennedy shot in the kitchen’”, said St. James.  “The next day, June 6^th, was the day Robert Kennedy was gunned down in the kitchen of the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles. Coincidence? I think not.

“The January 21^st page contains the entry ‘have North Koreans capture American spy boat’.  Two days later, January 23, the North Korean navy boarded the USS Pueblo. January 27^th ‘have Viet Cong begin offensive’ and four days later they launched the Tet offensive.”

Aside from these major insights the planner also contains more humdrum entries.

July 12^th – “Send Kissinger out for donuts”.

November 1^st – “Have Nelson (presumably Rockefeller) vacuum office”.

“I’m sure that, as independent experts examine the planner in greater detail the general public will be astounded at the revelations,” said St. John.

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Teen Claims Men Don't Walk In Space

DULUTH, MN (API) – Ricky Kessler, an unemployed 17-year old high school dropout from East Bethel, MN, has filed a lawsuit in federal court to prevent the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) from referring to astronaut’s trips outside the international space station as “space walks”.

“Its bullshit,” said Kessler.  “Those guys aren’t walking anywhere.  They’re floating.  It’s a space float. They’re floating like I did in the shallow end of my parent’s pool when I was like five years old.”

NASA spokesman Dr. Thor Maggnuson vehemently disagrees.

“Obviously  these heroic, highly skilled astronauts are taking their lives into their hands by making these space walks to make repairs on outboard computers on the space station,” said Maggnuson.  “They are clearly making ‘space walks’.  I know what I’m talking about and would put my PhD up against this punk kid’s GED any day.”

“My ass,” says Kessler.  “Walking is defined as an 'inverted pendulum' gait in which the body vaults over the stiff limb or limbs with each step.  Watch the video.  These astronauts aren’t even moving their legs.  If one were to be pushed by another and not be tethered to the spacecraft he’d float away into space, completely unable to walk back.  And why the hell do they put computers on the outside of the freaking space station?”

The lawsuit is scheduled for a pretrial in federal court in five weeks.


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Rock Band Settles Lawsuit

LOS ANGELES (AIP) - Court documents reveal that the super rock band Creed has reached a settlement in a plagiarism lawsuit brought by Brittany Wineglass, ending a civil case that has gone one nearly three years and cost both sides hundreds of thousands in legal fees.

In the settlement, filed Thursday in Los Angeles Superior Court, members of the band admit that they actually stole Wineglass’s diary in 1998 and used the poorly written, horribly executed juvenile poetry Wineglass penned during her breakup with Cody Wilson as a 14-year old sophomore at Lake City, Florida’s Columbia High School.

Virtually every song on Creed’s 1999 album Human Clay was lifted straight from the pages of Wineglass’s diary verbatim,without the least bit of editing.

“The band’s contention that it produced all the lyrics for those songs is ludicrous,” said Wineglass attorney J. Doyle Farbes. “For allegedly being written by four young men, there isn’t a bit of testosterone on the whole album.”

“I had just broken up with Cody when I wrote those words ‘Well I just heard the news today…’”, said Wineglass. “Cody had left me for that slut Morgan Kellerman. I was broken. It all came out in my diary.”

Upon being contacted by reporters, that slut Morgan Kellerman refused comment.

The situation is eerily reminiscent of the legal situation that the 70’s rock band Air Supply when accusations arose that songs from the group’s The One That You Love album were actually taken from the stolen diary of a teenager named Helen Picanti. That case settled out of court.

“Clearly there’s a pattern here,” said Farbes. “On its face it’s absurd to think that young men can write such drivel. I mean, have you actually listened to a lot of music coming out these days. A great deal of it sounds like whiney little girl scribblings.”


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WEBSEEK FIND!: He DOES Know Jack Shit

San Francisco - WEBSEEK researchers have finally located the one man in the United States who knows Jack Shit. It's Andy Johnson from Kingsport, TN.

"Yeah, I know Jack. So?", said Johnson, a Kingsport city sanitation worker. "He owe you money? Shit owes everybody money".

It turns out that that Jack Shit doesn't know, well jack shit.

"Dumbest man in the city," said Mayor Greer Weeks." Doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground".

Andy Johnson agrees.

"Yeah, he's damn dumb," said Johnson.

Most of the city's citizens seem to agree.

"He's as stupid as fucking your best hunting dog", said Clayton Doss, director of school personnel for the city of Kingsport.

"Idiot", according to Cindy Kramer, activist with Kingsport Homeless Outreach. "I wouldn't trust him with a pillow. He'd find a way to screw it up".

FOLLOW THE NEXT WEBSEEK TEAM SEARCH WHEN WE LOOK FOR "SHIT HEAD".



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