WASHINGTON (AIP) – In stunning testimony before the Senate Committee on Banking, Wells Fargo Bank whistleblower Marie Colton told shocked Senators that senior Wells Fargo management made the decision in late 2010 to hire vampires to actually “suck the life’s blood out of our customers”.
“Management dictated the culture of opening fake accounts to make our market share seem larger than it was in order to increase our stock price,” Colton testified to the Committee. “And selling unnecessary auto insurance to increase revenue was a no-brainer.
“But in early 2010 senior management realized that these scams were really smalltime. It was stuff that Bank of America or SunTrust could do. Wells Fargo could and would do better.”
That’s when Wells Fargo corporate management decided to hire the undead.
“Senior management felt that our employees weren’t rat-fucking our customer base hard enough,” Colton told Senators. “But with a group of nosferatu on our team we could literally drain the blood from our clients.”
At the time Wells Fargo legal counsel saw two possible obstacles to employing vampires.
“First, there were all kinds of US employment laws that stood in the way”, said Colton. “We worked around that by locating our Incubus Division at a new complex we built in the Philippines.
“The second problem was one of access,” said Colton. “We couldn’t figure out how to have our customers actually invite our vampires into their homes. The problem perplexed us until Bennie from Legal realized that we could just insert an invitation paragraph into the new account application.
“After that it was like taking candy from a stupid baby.”
That’s when Colton became alarmed and decided to blow the whistle.
“Unfortunately some of those fake accounts we opened allowed our vampires into people’s homes who weren’t really customers, which is why I am testifying today.”
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