Fairytale Ends, Gretel Tells All

Encino, CA (AIP) - Gretel, having long kept silent about the events surrounding her abduction and subsequent escape from the Wicked Witch has finally admitted to her culpability in the death of Hansel, her erstwhile companion.

"We were just having fun,"said the 72-year old Gretel, now residing in the Aging Fairytale Character home in Encino. "We'd done a few lines of blow and Hansel decided that it would be an easy score. I mean who figures a militia member would live in a gingerbread house?

"Hansel went in first with the baseball bat and duct tape, like always, but the bitch popped up with the Sig Sauer. I saw Hansel's head explode like one of those Gallagher watermelons. Unreal. It was all pretty grim."

Gretel now admits she made up the abduction story and the oven incident that sent the Wicked Witch to California's gas chamber, the first woman to be put to death under Governor Jerry Brown's new "Get Tough on Witches" law.

"I mean, I feel bad about all that shit, but it was me or her," said Gretel. "Hansel and I had been corrupted by our close association with Jack and Jill. It was the drugs damn it."

Gretel also claimed to have never been Involed with Pinocchio's Red October terroist movement.

"I know he said the two of us were fucking, but he's a liar," she said breaking down tearfully.


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Fed Concerned About Contraction

NEW YORK (AIP) – Janet Yellen, Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve Bank, today announced that the Fed expects the economy to contract by as much as 16 percent in the coming quarter due to the lack of ink used to print United State currency.

“We all know that ink is the lifeblood of the US economy,” said Yellen. “Without that ink there can be absolutely no illusion of growth in the financial system.  We’re about to see a meltdown of the economy.  Jobs will be lost. The middle class with suffer.”

Spokesman Gary Shinara at the Dallas branch of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing confirms Yellen’s statements about the lack of ink for bills of all denominations of currency.

“No ink.  Can’t get a drop,” said Shinara.

The critical lack of the distinctive green and other inks used to print the bills comes as a result of a workers strike which has halted production in the only plant worldwide that makes the ink, the VONG Chemical factory located in the Vietnamese village of Bien Hoa on the banks of the Dong Nai River near Ho Chi Minh City.

“We have been on strike for six months,” said worker representative Vo Chi Cong, contacted by phone.  “The 217 people who work in this factory have been responsible for whatever growth the US economy has shown since 2008 and yet we work for the equivalent of $2.87 a week.  That’s bullshit.”

As many as 16 committees and sub committees of both the US House of Representatives and Senate will be holding hearings in the coming weeks to explore the economically devastating lack of ink.

Senator Max Goldblum (D-Oregon) is sponsoring a bill to raise the minimum wage in Vietnam to get the factory workers back on the job.

“The ink must flow in order to keep up the economic sleight of hand,” said Goldblum.

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