Wednesday, June 20, 2018

President Issues New Guidelines On Immigration

WASHINGTON (AIP) – In an effort to calm Democratic hysteria over the current United State immigration policy requiring children of illegal immigrants be held in detention while their parents are taken into custody for violating Federal law, the White House announced Thursday that the President is going to make some changes.

“Tomorrow President Trump will sign an executive finding that allows all people who are physically inside the boundary of the United States  to select one State or Federal law which each individual may safely ignore and face no penalty of law,” White House assistant spokesman Carl Whitten told reporters Monday. “This does not just apply to citizens but to anyone standing on US soil.

“Once a day every year an illegal immigrant can ignore the law on immigration while equally a bank robber, burglar or even carjacker can ignore those laws without fear of brutal government repression via the legal system.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton attacked the President's new policy.

“Why should just anyone be able to break the law when they want without penalty?” Clinton asked a vocal crowd.  “This is yet one more example of unpardonable actions by that Nazi in the White House.”

In response to Clinton's remarks White House assistant spokesman Whitten merely chuckled.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Local Man Tells All About Breakup

CHIEFLAND, FL (AIP) - Telling reporters that it's taken him a long time to come to grips with the breakup, Circle K assistant manager and local resident Andy Rawl said he is finally ready to talk about his former relationship with recording artist Fergie.

"A couple months after we broke up she came out with that damn song," said Rawl (Big Girls Don't Cry. )

"Right away I had people stopping me on the street going 'Hey, you're that prick that hurt Fergie. What an asshole Dude. You ought to kill yourself.'

"It hurt man. It really hurt."

Rawl told reporters that he's ready to leave that part of his past behind.

"Neither the song nor the video happen to mention how her damn mom was always hanging around, telling me that I wasn't good enough for her daughter," said Rawl, becoming visibly angry. "And those guys in the band would come over and hang out and drink my beer, never offering to refill the fridge.

"I mean those guys would take nasty shits in the bathroom and never even flush. Filthy bastards."

And he wasn't done revealing secrets.

"You know at the beginning of that video when she's counting down the beat and the keyboardist is showing her his fingers?" asked Rawl. "Well that wasn't 'art'. The bitch couldn't count without a visual aid."

Rawl said he has moved on with his life.

"I'm dating Angie over at the Huddle Hut Restaurant," said Rawl. "She's cool and she's not writing deeply revealing hack job, man-hating, lesbian inspired bubblegum pop about the best damn thing she ever had."

Rawl visibly wavered on the podium before continuing.

"Damn it guys, that bitch stole my 2016 'Stang. I'm still making payments on it," said Rawl. "And Fergie, don't 'take it personal 'cause it has nothing to do with you' but I'm getting my car back bitch.

"Oh yeah, I also fucked your best friend".

"Ya'll come back next week," Rawl told reporters, "and I'll tell you about my break up with that bitch Alanis Morissette."

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Fixer Upper New Season In The Works

WACO, TX (AIP) - Chip and Joanna Gains, popular hosts of television's home upgrade show Fixer Upper have announced this season's sole concentration will be on the new, hot "style de bande dessinée" style.

"It's all the rage and both Chip and I are really excited," Joanna told reporters at a news conference Monday. "It's simple yet elegant."

"Style de bande dessinée" is French for "Cartoon Style".

"A room generally centers around an amorphous blue or red couch, maybe a brown wood table, a floor lamp that is never actually on and something indefinable hanging on the wall," Gaines told reporters.

"Imagine every living room the Scooby Doo kids were ever in and you've got the general idea."

Martin Shriner, the season's first Fixer Upper client, was thrilled with the new look of his home.

"It's amazing," said Shriner. "It's like living in every cartoon I ever saw as a child and it came in incredibly under budget."

"We save a lot of our client's money because cartoon homes never have working bathrooms or kitchens. Cartoon characters never eat or crap so we don't worry about those two rooms."

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Rules Committee Disqualifies Reed

AUGUSTA, GA (AIP) - Citing an obsure rule in its club bylaws the Rules Committee at the Augusta Golf Club disqualified third round leader in the Masters Golf Tournament Patrick Reed from further competition early Sunday.

"Our club has many time honoured and respected rules," said Augusta Golf Club spokesman Conner Blake-Snyder. "One of the most historic and important is that no fat, dumpy fucks can win.

"So Reed is out."

Golf fans everywhere were in complete agreement.

"Have you seen Reed?", asked casual golf fan Mike Jensen of Roanoke, VA. "The guy is a walking tragedy. His belly shakes like jello under his shirt. The fat fuck doesn't deserve to win.

"We need a Rory or Dustin. Those are sharp looking guys."

The tournament coninues later today.

Thursday, March 8, 2018

#Metoo Founder Files Suit

ATLANTA (AIP) - #METOO cofounder Shelly Hamilton was thrilled to receive a beautiful bouquet of flowers at her office from potential boyfriend Bobby Charles. Thrilled, that is, until a coworker went online to see how much he spent.

"Carrie, my secretary, thought the flowers were beautiful but wondered about the cost," said Hamilton. "She googled it and found that he spent enough but that arraignment was in the "I'd love a blowjob" collection.

"I feel so used".

Potential boyfriend Charles was angry at FTD Florists.

"Swear I wasn't objectifying her," said Charles. "I thought the arraignment was nice. I had no idea how FTD advertised their flower arraignments. I picked two I liked and then made my choice. I later found out that the two arraignments I liked were from the " I'd love A Blowjob" collection or the "Sorry I 'Accidentally Ass-Fucked You When I Was Hammered' collection. I ordered the ones I liked aesthetically."

Hamilton told reporters she plans to file suit.

"I loved him but these flowers have Weinstein'ed me. It's his turned to be fucked."