Friday, December 22, 2017

Santa Announces A New Direction

NORTH POLE (AIP) – In what Wall Street insiders call a “realignment of corporate direction”, Senior Santa Claus spokesman Marvin Lewistein announced at the regular weekly press conference Thursday that going forward Mr. Claus would ignore Christmas requests from homeless kids.

“Mr. Claus has decided that the poor, homeless, destitute kids can pretty much fuck themselves come December 25th,” Lewistein told reporters. “The return on investment simply isn’t there. We’re taking our organization in a new direction.”

North Pole watchers said that the move has been in the works for months.

“Let’s face it, Santa is about dreaming with a gleam in your eye,” said longtime Santa Watcher Carol Blackmum. “He’s not about grim survival.

“Ask him for a Lexus and the odds are good you’ll get it. Ask him for underwear or pencils or food or you cancer medication and you’re shit out of luck.”

Shares of Kris Kringle Inc. rose 37 percent following the announcement.

Friday, December 8, 2017

Rock Group Blasted For Inappropriate Behavior

SALEM, MS (AIP) – Members of the 80’s rock group Journey have been accused of fomenting hostile and inappropriate actions toward women and #MeToo spokeswoman Tarana Burke has publicly called for the seizure of all Journey’s royalties, gold and platinum records and future earnings.

“Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’?”, Burke told reporters at a press conference Monday. “That song might as well have been written by Al Franken or Harvey Weinstein."

“They should have added ‘Rapin’ to the damn title,” said Burke. “Might as well make it Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’, Rapin’”.

Journey front man Steve Perry disagrees.

“That would be a shitty song title,” said Perry, who refused further comment.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Clinton Join List Of Harassed Women

HOLLYWOOD (AIP) – Former Secretary of State and Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton joined a growing list of celebrity women who claim that Hollywood Film mogul Harvey Weinstein sexually harassed or assaulted them.

“The former First Lady was at a fund raising event in Los Angeles when Weinstein grabbed but her breasts and buttocks and made crude oral sex jokes,” said Clinton spokesperson Uma Andretta. “The indecent both shocked and disturbed Mrs. Clinton and was a major reason behind her loss of the 2016 Presidential election.”

Others aren’t so sure.

“Bullshit,” said Weinstein attorney Marc Cairo in response to reporter’s questions. “I’m calling bullshit on that one.

“My client drinks and takes drugs and is obviously a voracious horn dog, but come on, really? Hillary? Have you seen her ankles? Nobody has ever been that messed up.”

Noted political analyst Melvin Bloom agrees.

“From the emails, tweets, Facebook posts, Instagram posts, text messages, discarded post it notes and unsubstantiated rumors that we’ve studied it appears that the only person who has ever successfully fucked Hillary Clinton against her will was Donald Trump and that happened at the Electoral College and not in Los Angeles,” said Bloom.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

UN Sanctions Hit North Korea Hard

FOSTER CITY, CA (AIP) – In a long awaited financial move dictated by new United Nations economic sanctions, financial services company Visa has cancelled North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s gold Visa card, a move that experts say will bring that country to its economic knees with a matter of days.

“We’ve got that little fucker now,” said Joint Chiefs of Staff vice chairman Major General Gabriel Conner. “No more big nights out for Kim and the boys. No more rewards points. It’s over for that country.

“I’m sure the look on Kim’s face will be priceless when his card is declined at Ikea.”

International banking expert Maurice Golden predicts that it may be only hours before the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea is economically paralyzed.

“Intelligence estimates indicate that Kim has about $126.00 in the bank at this time,” said Golden. “He’s probably got no more than a couple of bucks in his pockets. The server isn’t going to accept ICBMs to pay for the dinner bill.”

Photos smuggled out of North Korea appear to show the entire populace going through sofa seat cushions and pockets of pants they haven’t worn in a few weeks looking for lost change.

In a related move China has sealed its border with North Korea in order to deal with the expected flood of refugees expected to be fleeing North Korea.

“That country is now broke and with the holidays coming the people of North Korea are going to become very unhappy very shortly”, said Chinese spokesman Chao Chin.

Wells Fargo Whistle-Blower Stuns Congress

WASHINGTON (AIP) – In stunning testimony before the Senate Committee on Banking, Wells Fargo Bank whistleblower Marie Colton told shocked Senators that senior Wells Fargo management made the decision in late 2010 to hire vampires to actually “suck the life’s blood out of our customers”.

“Management dictated the culture of opening fake accounts to make our market share seem larger than it was in order to increase our stock price,” Colton testified to the Committee. “And selling unnecessary auto insurance to increase revenue was a no-brainer.

“But in early 2010 senior management realized that these scams were really smalltime. It was stuff that Bank of America or SunTrust could do. Wells Fargo could and would do better.”

That’s when Wells Fargo corporate management decided to hire the undead.

“Senior management felt that our employees weren’t rat-fucking our customer base hard enough,” Colton told Senators. “But with a group of nosferatu on our team we could literally drain the blood from our clients.”

At the time Wells Fargo legal counsel saw two possible obstacles to employing vampires.

“First, there were all kinds of US employment laws that stood in the way”, said Colton. “We worked around that by locating our Incubus Division at a new complex we built in the Philippines.

“The second problem was one of access,” said Colton. “We couldn’t figure out how to have our customers actually invite our vampires into their homes. The problem perplexed us until Bennie from Legal realized that we could just insert an invitation paragraph into the new account application.

“After that it was like taking candy from a stupid baby.”

That’s when Colton became alarmed and decided to blow the whistle.

“Unfortunately some of those fake accounts we opened allowed our vampires into people’s homes who weren’t really customers, which is why I am testifying today.”