Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Women March On Washington For A Second Straight Week

WASHINGTON (AIP) – For the second Saturday in a row more than half a million women led by a host of celebrities staged a protest on the Mall in the nation’s capital to vent their anger over what they see as the abusive and coercive laws Euclidean Geometry .

“Fuck Euclid,” screamed pop star Madonna to a cheering crowd. “I’m here to tell you that a straight line segment can NOT be drawn between any two points. That’s homophobic, anti-trans, anti-black, anti-woman talk and we’re not going to stand for it.”

“I have a vagina and I don’t believe that all right angles are congruent.”

Organizers for this second march had hoped for at least 200,000 women to turn out in support their anti-geometry protest and were pleased when that number surged to over 500,000.

“The women of this country are sick and tired of white male geometry as usual,” said Dorothy Hammell, vice president of Women’s March Inc. and organizer of the march. “For way too long males in this country have forced the laws of geometry down our throats. It's like being raped and we’re sick and tired of being geometry's bitch.”

Singer Ashley Judd roused the crowd with her speech at the beginning of the March.

“I have a pussy,” Judd told ecstatic supporters. “That means that not any straight line segment can be extended indefinitely in a straight line because I have a pussy.

"I feel Hitler in these streets, exchanging a mustache for a congruent than sign. I have a pussy that says that not all triangles have three sides."

Hammell said that the group hopes to organize a protest against the laws of thermodynamics in the near future.



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Sunday, September 18, 2016

Clinton Captures Special Interest Vote

LAS VEGAS (AIP) - If campainging has become a game of capturing special interest groups, then presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton would appear to have a leg up opponent Donald Trump with at least one cabal -the Bulimic and Anorexic Men of America (BAMA).

"We love Hillary," said BAMA spokesman Melvin Fischer. "Anytime I've had an exceptionally good meal and contemplate actually digesting it I just pop one of Hillary's porn videos in my DVD player and I'm hurling in no time."

Clinton's pornographic video collection, which she was reduced to performing in to 'make ends meet' when she and husband Bill Clinton left the White House broke at the conclusion of his second term as President, has become the number one seller to the BAMA crowd.

"I put one of Hillary's sex tapes - say Hillary Wipes The Server - on and I usually expel the entire contents of my stomach before the first money shot", said BAMA member Charles Naul. "She makes spurging and purging exceptionally easy.

"If you're looking to vomit, watching Hillary Clinton have sex is as sure a thing as a finger down the throat."

Election watchers expect Clinton to garner 100 percent of the small but influential BAMA vote in November.