Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Local Girl Does The Expected

Hawthorne Heights, OH (AIP) – Five-year old Curiosity Jenkins has been charged by Hawthorne Heights Police with killing the cat Thursday night. According to the arrest affidavit Curiosity came home from kindergarten, had cookies and milk in the family breakfast nook then went to the garage, picked up a hammer and bludgeoned the cat to death.

“We’ve been expecting this to happen for a long time,” said neighbor Tom Whitman. “We just kind of knew that she would kill the cat.”

Formal charges are expected later this week.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

February 11

Heat lightning strikes
Over Madeira Beach
I light a cigarette and
Feel like
dropping off the
Goddamn world.

A moment and brutality
From your mouth
Even later when you say
you're sorry

Friday, December 22, 2017

Santa Announces A New Direction

NORTH POLE (AIP) – In what Wall Street insiders call a “realignment of corporate direction”, Senior Santa Claus spokesman Marvin Lewistein announced at the regular weekly press conference Thursday that going forward Mr. Claus would ignore Christmas requests from homeless kids.

“Mr. Claus has decided that the poor, homeless, destitute kids can pretty much fuck themselves come December 25th,” Lewistein told reporters. “The return on investment simply isn’t there. We’re taking our organization in a new direction.”

North Pole watchers said that the move has been in the works for months.

“Let’s face it, Santa is about dreaming with a gleam in your eye,” said longtime Santa Watcher Carol Blackmum. “He’s not about grim survival.

“Ask him for a Lexus and the odds are good you’ll get it. Ask him for underwear or pencils or food or you cancer medication and you’re shit out of luck.”

Shares of Kris Kringle Inc. rose 37 percent following the announcement.

Friday, December 8, 2017

Rock Group Blasted For Inappropriate Behavior

SALEM, MS (AIP) – Members of the 80’s rock group Journey have been accused of fomenting hostile and inappropriate actions toward women and #MeToo spokeswoman Tarana Burke has publicly called for the seizure of all Journey’s royalties, gold and platinum records and future earnings.

“Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’?”, Burke told reporters at a press conference Monday. “That song might as well have been written by Al Franken or Harvey Weinstein."

“They should have added ‘Rapin’ to the damn title,” said Burke. “Might as well make it Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’, Rapin’”.

Journey front man Steve Perry disagrees.

“That would be a shitty song title,” said Perry, who refused further comment.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Clinton Join List Of Harassed Women

HOLLYWOOD (AIP) – Former Secretary of State and Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton joined a growing list of celebrity women who claim that Hollywood Film mogul Harvey Weinstein sexually harassed or assaulted them.

“The former First Lady was at a fund raising event in Los Angeles when Weinstein grabbed but her breasts and buttocks and made crude oral sex jokes,” said Clinton spokesperson Uma Andretta. “The indecent both shocked and disturbed Mrs. Clinton and was a major reason behind her loss of the 2016 Presidential election.”

Others aren’t so sure.

“Bullshit,” said Weinstein attorney Marc Cairo in response to reporter’s questions. “I’m calling bullshit on that one.

“My client drinks and takes drugs and is obviously a voracious horn dog, but come on, really? Hillary? Have you seen her ankles? Nobody has ever been that messed up.”

Noted political analyst Melvin Bloom agrees.

“From the emails, tweets, Facebook posts, Instagram posts, text messages, discarded post it notes and unsubstantiated rumors that we’ve studied it appears that the only person who has ever successfully fucked Hillary Clinton against her will was Donald Trump and that happened at the Electoral College and not in Los Angeles,” said Bloom.

Sunday, October 29, 2017