Rules Committee Disqualifies Reed

AUGUSTA, GA (AIP) - Citing an obsure rule in its club bylaws the Rules Committee at the Augusta Golf Club disqualified third round leader in the Masters Golf Tournament Patrick Reed from further competition early Sunday.

"Our club has many time honoured and respected rules," said Augusta Golf Club spokesman Conner Blake-Snyder. "One of the most historic and important is that no fat, dumpy fucks can win.

"So Reed is out."

Golf fans everywhere were in complete agreement.

"Have you seen Reed?", asked casual golf fan Mike Jensen of Roanoke, VA. "The guy is a walking tragedy. His belly shakes like jello under his shirt. The fat fuck doesn't deserve to win.

"We need a Rory or Dustin. Those are sharp looking guys."

The tournament coninues later today.

Santa Announces A New Direction

NORTH POLE (AIP) – In what Wall Street insiders call a “realignment of corporate direction”, Senior Santa Claus spokesman Marvin Lewistein announced at the regular weekly press conference Thursday that going forward Mr. Claus would ignore Christmas requests from homeless kids.

“Mr. Claus has decided that the poor, homeless, destitute kids can pretty much fuck themselves come December 25th,” Lewistein told reporters. “The return on investment simply isn’t there. We’re taking our organization in a new direction.”

North Pole watchers said that the move has been in the works for months.

“Let’s face it, Santa is about dreaming with a gleam in your eye,” said longtime Santa Watcher Carol Blackmum. “He’s not about grim survival.

“Ask him for a Lexus and the odds are good you’ll get it. Ask him for underwear or pencils or food or you cancer medication and you’re shit out of luck.”

Shares of Kris Kringle Inc. rose 37 percent following the announcement.