Qualquarter Issues Recall

Tampa (AIP) - Qualquarter Corporation, makers of some of the world's finest quarterbacks, has announced a recall on their 2018 Jamis Winston model because of a faulty decision-making chip.

"Unfortunately the 2018 Winston model has a defective chip that defaults to the exact wrong option when under pressure," said Qualquarter spokesperson Maria Hottenburg. "Presently we are unsure whether or not the chip can be replaced."

This is the second time in four years that the company, makers of such great models as the Brett Farve and the Joe Montana models, has had to announce a recall on the Winston line.

"Regrettably, this recall is our second one for the Winston product," said Hottenburg. "Our company also had to recall the 2017 Winston because of a defective morals server.

"There will be, of course, no refunds or replacements as is our policy."

President Shuffles Hurricane Name List

WASHINGTON (API) – President Donald Trump, fresh from his stunning political victory gaining conformation for new Supreme Court Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh, today signed an executive order requiring that the next four hurricanes to threaten the continental United States be named Deontae, Patel, Santiago and Shemeka.

Democratic Senator Cory Booker (R-New Jersey) was quick to lash out at the new order.

“This racist order from this racist President is a slap in the face to every person of color in the country,” a visibly anger Booker told reporters.  “I’m not going to mince words.  It's an outrage. He’s a blatant racist.  This is my Martin Luther King Jr. moment.”

White House deputy spokesman Carol McPhee was asked about the President’s response to Booker’s criticism.

“The President is merely attempting to be more inclusive,” McPhee told reporters Thursday.  “After all, the last four major hurricanes to hit this country were named Harvey, Irma, Nate and Michael.”  

New York Times Announces Another New Hire

NEW YORK (AIP) – The New York Times today announced that, in addition to hiring new editorial board member Sarah Jeong, the paper has also recruited Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan as its new lead travel and arts writer.

His first contribution to the Times Sunday Magazine, ‘A Weekend At Martha’s Vineyard Killing Whitey and Jews’, will appear in the next issue.

“We feel the Reverend Farrakhan brings the precise blend of erudite understanding and social sensitivity to the table for our publication,” said Times spokesman Chi Objun. “He has an artist’s touch with the subtle language and understatement of a true master writer.

“I can’t imagine a better hire”.

President Issues New Guidelines On Immigration

WASHINGTON (AIP) – In an effort to calm Democratic hysteria over the current United State immigration policy requiring children of illegal immigrants be held in detention while their parents are taken into custody for violating Federal law, the White House announced Thursday that the President is going to make some changes.

“Tomorrow President Trump will sign an executive finding that allows all people who are physically inside the boundary of the United States  to select one State or Federal law which each individual may safely ignore and face no penalty of law,” White House assistant spokesman Carl Whitten told reporters Monday. “This does not just apply to citizens but to anyone standing on US soil.

“Once a day every year an illegal immigrant can ignore the law on immigration while equally a bank robber, burglar or even carjacker can ignore those laws without fear of brutal government repression via the legal system.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton attacked the President's new policy.

“Why should just anyone be able to break the law when they want without penalty?” Clinton asked a vocal crowd.  “This is yet one more example of unpardonable actions by that Nazi in the White House.”

In response to Clinton's remarks White House assistant spokesman Whitten merely chuckled.

Sports News

Local Man Tells All About Breakup

CHIEFLAND, FL (AIP) - Telling reporters that it's taken him a long time to come to grips with the breakup, Circle K assistant manager and local resident Andy Rawl said he is finally ready to talk about his former relationship with recording artist Fergie.

"A couple months after we broke up she came out with that damn song," said Rawl (Big Girls Don't Cry.
https://youtu.be/agrXgrAgQ0U )

"Right away I had people stopping me on the street going 'Hey, you're that prick that hurt Fergie. What an asshole Dude. You ought to kill yourself.'

"It hurt man. It really hurt."

Rawl told reporters that he's ready to leave that part of his past behind.

"Neither the song nor the video happen to mention how her damn mom was always hanging around, telling me that I wasn't good enough for her daughter," said Rawl, becoming visibly angry. "And those guys in the band would come over and hang out and drink my beer, never offering to refill the fridge.

"I mean those guys would take nasty shits in the bathroom and never even flush. Filthy bastards."

And he wasn't done revealing secrets.

"You know at the beginning of that video when she's counting down the beat and the keyboardist is showing her his fingers?" asked Rawl. "Well that wasn't 'art'. The bitch couldn't count without a visual aid."



Rawl said he has moved on with his life.

"I'm dating Angie over at the Huddle Hut Restaurant," said Rawl. "She's cool and she's not writing deeply revealing hack job, man-hating, lesbian inspired bubblegum pop about the best damn thing she ever had."

Rawl visibly wavered on the podium before continuing.

"Damn it guys, that bitch stole my 2016 'Stang. I'm still making payments on it," said Rawl. "And Fergie, don't 'take it personal 'cause it has nothing to do with you' but I'm getting my car back bitch.

"Oh yeah, I also fucked your best friend".

"Ya'll come back next week," Rawl told reporters, "and I'll tell you about my break up with that bitch Alanis Morissette."

Fixer Upper New Season In The Works

WACO, TX (AIP) - Chip and Joanna Gains, popular hosts of television's home upgrade show Fixer Upper have announced this season's sole concentration will be on the new, hot "style de bande dessinée" style.

"It's all the rage and both Chip and I are really excited," Joanna told reporters at a news conference Monday. "It's simple yet elegant."

"Style de bande dessinée" is French for "Cartoon Style".

"A room generally centers around an amorphous blue or red couch, maybe a brown wood table, a floor lamp that is never actually on and something indefinable hanging on the wall," Gaines told reporters.

"Imagine every living room the Scooby Doo kids were ever in and you've got the general idea."


Martin Shriner, the season's first Fixer Upper client, was thrilled with the new look of his home.

"It's amazing," said Shriner. "It's like living in every cartoon I ever saw as a child and it came in incredibly under budget."

"We save a lot of our client's money because cartoon homes never have working bathrooms or kitchens. Cartoon characters never eat or crap so we don't worry about those two rooms."