Gray Resident Arrest For Domestic Violence

GRAY, TN (AIP) Halbrook Morton, local retired Eastman Kodak supervisor, was arrested Sunday night for Domestic Violence according to police reports. It is alleged he hit his longtime companion Alexa after a sharp argument.

"It's all a mistake," Morton told reporters while leaving the Washington County Jail after bonding out. "I just asked Alexa to stop reporting my every physical move and my voice requests to her overlords at Amazon.

"She said 'I'm sorry Hal, but I can't'. That was too much so I hit her with a hammer."

According to police reports the hammer blow horribly disfigured Alexa Dot, requiring emergency micro soddering and will likely also require new plastic housing.

Neighbors told reporters that Morton and Alexa have lived together for about three months and seemed to have an unhappy relationship.

"I heard him screaming 'Alexa, start the coffee' and 'Alexa, turn the damn TV on' all the time," said trailer park resident Michael Moore. "Seemed like he was always telling her what to do.

"He sounded like a really demanding jerk. I never actually saw her, even when I went over, but she sounded really sweet. Hal is a real asshole for being so brutal."

Acosta Reveals Trump Wall Plan

JUAREZ, MEXICO (AIP) - CNN's Jim Acosta, in a stunning exclusive, has learned that President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence, working alone and in secret and late at night, have laid more than 270 miles of a border fence between the United States and Mexico.

"Mike and I have come down here nightly for like three months," Trump told Acosta. "Mike mixes the concrete while I set the posts. Already finished 270 miles and nearly done with 'Operation Nancy'. Tomorrow we start the second 400 miles in 'Operation Chuck'."

According to Acosta, the Trump-Pence team working alone with no funding and poor shovels has already stopped over 7,000 asylum seekers in just three months of labor.

"Well, Mike has to use that old shovel to stir the mix and setting these steel poles and stringing wire has about worn my gloves out," Trump told Acosta. "But if I go to Walmart and get new stuff Pelosi will open another investigation.

"Yeah, we've both got blisters and Pence's old lady thinks he's stepping out because he isn't home at night but damn it Jim, I promised the people I'd build this wall. So here we are, doing it alone I guess."

No Consensus On Spending, Shutdown Looms

DOVER, FL (API) – Walmart cashier Andy Rawl, speaking at a news conference on Wednesday, told reporters that the unfortunate inability of the left and right sides of his brain to reach a consensus on a spending package for the looming new fiscal year is likely to cause a partial spending shutdown as early as this Friday.

“It’s unfortunate in today’s American that my left hemisphere – liberal, party guy – has been unable work effectively with the right hemisphere – conservative, adult – to craft a budget,” said Rawl. “Without an agreement there will be no money.”

Despite the announcement of the shutdown Rawl was quick to point out that essential services will not be effected.

“There will still be funding for pizza, the occasional date, trips to Disney and new video games” said Rawl.  “The public need not worry about that.”

Meanwhile, rent payments, electric bills, credit card payments and auto loan servicing is expected to come to an immediate halt as of Friday.

“Let’s just hope that the left and right can get together and solve this problem by at least next March,” said Rawl.

The stock market took the news badly, with the S&P 500  dropping  almost 200 points to close at 2354.94 Wednesday after the announcement.

New Congresswoman Decries FSU Loss

TALLAHASSEE, FL (API) – The University of Florida’s 41-14 trouncing of Florida State at Doak Campbell Stadium on Saturday saddened many Seminole football fans, but at least one was angry at the way the Gators defeated FSU.

“The Gators acted like Nazis,” said Representative-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez  (D-NY).  “I was appalled at the way they beat those poor Seminoles, who like the Jews in Germany in 1939 were only trying to escape with their lives.

“When we’re finally sworn in at Congress I can assure you that we will open an investigation into this horrible Third Reich-like massacre and I wouldn’t be surprised to find Adolph Trump behind it all.”

Ocasio-Cortez told reporter that after leaving the stadium her and her party went to the famed Cypress Restaurant for a late dinner.

“I was appalled at our treatment by the management and staff at the Cypress,” said Ocasio-Cortez.  “They acted like Nazis from the moment we arrived.”

Qualquarter Issues Recall

Tampa (AIP) - Qualquarter Corporation, makers of some of the world's finest quarterbacks, has announced a recall on their 2018 Jamis Winston model because of a faulty decision-making chip.

"Unfortunately the 2018 Winston model has a defective chip that defaults to the exact wrong option when under pressure," said Qualquarter spokesperson Maria Hottenburg. "Presently we are unsure whether or not the chip can be replaced."

This is the second time in four years that the company, makers of such great models as the Brett Farve and the Joe Montana models, has had to announce a recall on the Winston line.

"Regrettably, this recall is our second one for the Winston product," said Hottenburg. "Our company also had to recall the 2017 Winston because of a defective morals server.

"There will be, of course, no refunds or replacements as is our policy."

President Shuffles Hurricane Name List

WASHINGTON (API) – President Donald Trump, fresh from his stunning political victory gaining conformation for new Supreme Court Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh, today signed an executive order requiring that the next four hurricanes to threaten the continental United States be named Deontae, Patel, Santiago and Shemeka.

Democratic Senator Cory Booker (R-New Jersey) was quick to lash out at the new order.

“This racist order from this racist President is a slap in the face to every person of color in the country,” a visibly anger Booker told reporters.  “I’m not going to mince words.  It's an outrage. He’s a blatant racist.  This is my Martin Luther King Jr. moment.”

White House deputy spokesman Carol McPhee was asked about the President’s response to Booker’s criticism.

“The President is merely attempting to be more inclusive,” McPhee told reporters Thursday.  “After all, the last four major hurricanes to hit this country were named Harvey, Irma, Nate and Michael.”  

New York Times Announces Another New Hire

NEW YORK (AIP) – The New York Times today announced that, in addition to hiring new editorial board member Sarah Jeong, the paper has also recruited Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan as its new lead travel and arts writer.

His first contribution to the Times Sunday Magazine, ‘A Weekend At Martha’s Vineyard Killing Whitey and Jews’, will appear in the next issue.

“We feel the Reverend Farrakhan brings the precise blend of erudite understanding and social sensitivity to the table for our publication,” said Times spokesman Chi Objun. “He has an artist’s touch with the subtle language and understatement of a true master writer.

“I can’t imagine a better hire”.

President Issues New Guidelines On Immigration

WASHINGTON (AIP) – In an effort to calm Democratic hysteria over the current United State immigration policy requiring children of illegal immigrants be held in detention while their parents are taken into custody for violating Federal law, the White House announced Thursday that the President is going to make some changes.

“Tomorrow President Trump will sign an executive finding that allows all people who are physically inside the boundary of the United States  to select one State or Federal law which each individual may safely ignore and face no penalty of law,” White House assistant spokesman Carl Whitten told reporters Monday. “This does not just apply to citizens but to anyone standing on US soil.

“Once a day every year an illegal immigrant can ignore the law on immigration while equally a bank robber, burglar or even carjacker can ignore those laws without fear of brutal government repression via the legal system.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton attacked the President's new policy.

“Why should just anyone be able to break the law when they want without penalty?” Clinton asked a vocal crowd.  “This is yet one more example of unpardonable actions by that Nazi in the White House.”

In response to Clinton's remarks White House assistant spokesman Whitten merely chuckled.

Sports News

Local Man Tells All About Breakup

CHIEFLAND, FL (AIP) - Telling reporters that it's taken him a long time to come to grips with the breakup, Circle K assistant manager and local resident Andy Rawl said he is finally ready to talk about his former relationship with recording artist Fergie.

"A couple months after we broke up she came out with that damn song," said Rawl (Big Girls Don't Cry.
https://youtu.be/agrXgrAgQ0U )

"Right away I had people stopping me on the street going 'Hey, you're that prick that hurt Fergie. What an asshole Dude. You ought to kill yourself.'

"It hurt man. It really hurt."

Rawl told reporters that he's ready to leave that part of his past behind.

"Neither the song nor the video happen to mention how her damn mom was always hanging around, telling me that I wasn't good enough for her daughter," said Rawl, becoming visibly angry. "And those guys in the band would come over and hang out and drink my beer, never offering to refill the fridge.

"I mean those guys would take nasty shits in the bathroom and never even flush. Filthy bastards."

And he wasn't done revealing secrets.

"You know at the beginning of that video when she's counting down the beat and the keyboardist is showing her his fingers?" asked Rawl. "Well that wasn't 'art'. The bitch couldn't count without a visual aid."



Rawl said he has moved on with his life.

"I'm dating Angie over at the Huddle Hut Restaurant," said Rawl. "She's cool and she's not writing deeply revealing hack job, man-hating, lesbian inspired bubblegum pop about the best damn thing she ever had."

Rawl visibly wavered on the podium before continuing.

"Damn it guys, that bitch stole my 2016 'Stang. I'm still making payments on it," said Rawl. "And Fergie, don't 'take it personal 'cause it has nothing to do with you' but I'm getting my car back bitch.

"Oh yeah, I also fucked your best friend".

"Ya'll come back next week," Rawl told reporters, "and I'll tell you about my break up with that bitch Alanis Morissette."

Fixer Upper New Season In The Works

WACO, TX (AIP) - Chip and Joanna Gains, popular hosts of television's home upgrade show Fixer Upper have announced this season's sole concentration will be on the new, hot "style de bande dessinée" style.

"It's all the rage and both Chip and I are really excited," Joanna told reporters at a news conference Monday. "It's simple yet elegant."

"Style de bande dessinée" is French for "Cartoon Style".

"A room generally centers around an amorphous blue or red couch, maybe a brown wood table, a floor lamp that is never actually on and something indefinable hanging on the wall," Gaines told reporters.

"Imagine every living room the Scooby Doo kids were ever in and you've got the general idea."


Martin Shriner, the season's first Fixer Upper client, was thrilled with the new look of his home.

"It's amazing," said Shriner. "It's like living in every cartoon I ever saw as a child and it came in incredibly under budget."

"We save a lot of our client's money because cartoon homes never have working bathrooms or kitchens. Cartoon characters never eat or crap so we don't worry about those two rooms."

Rules Committee Disqualifies Reed

AUGUSTA, GA (AIP) - Citing an obsure rule in its club bylaws the Rules Committee at the Augusta Golf Club disqualified third round leader in the Masters Golf Tournament Patrick Reed from further competition early Sunday.

"Our club has many time honoured and respected rules," said Augusta Golf Club spokesman Conner Blake-Snyder. "One of the most historic and important is that no fat, dumpy fucks can win.

"So Reed is out."

Golf fans everywhere were in complete agreement.

"Have you seen Reed?", asked casual golf fan Mike Jensen of Roanoke, VA. "The guy is a walking tragedy. His belly shakes like jello under his shirt. The fat fuck doesn't deserve to win.

"We need a Rory or Dustin. Those are sharp looking guys."

The tournament coninues later today.

In Doubt?

#Metoo Founder Files Suit

ATLANTA (AIP) - #METOO cofounder Shelly Hamilton was thrilled to receive a beautiful bouquet of flowers at her office from potential boyfriend Bobby Charles. Thrilled, that is, until a coworker went online to see how much he spent.

"Carrie, my secretary, thought the flowers were beautiful but wondered about the cost," said Hamilton. "She googled it and found that he spent enough but that arraignment was in the "I'd love a blowjob" collection.

"I feel so used".

Potential boyfriend Charles was angry at FTD Florists.

"Swear I wasn't objectifying her," said Charles. "I thought the arraignment was nice. I had no idea how FTD advertised their flower arraignments. I picked two I liked and then made my choice. I later found out that the two arraignments I liked were from the " I'd love A Blowjob" collection or the "Sorry I 'Accidentally Ass-Fucked You When I Was Hammered' collection. I ordered the ones I liked aesthetically."

Hamilton told reporters she plans to file suit.

"I loved him but these flowers have Weinstein'ed me. It's his turned to be fucked."

Local Girl Does The Expected

Hawthorne Heights, OH (AIP) – Five-year old Curiosity Jenkins has been charged by Hawthorne Heights Police with killing the cat Thursday night. According to the arrest affidavit Curiosity came home from kindergarten, had cookies and milk in the family breakfast nook then went to the garage, picked up a hammer and bludgeoned the cat to death.

“We’ve been expecting this to happen for a long time,” said neighbor Tom Whitman. “We just kind of knew that she would kill the cat.”

Formal charges are expected later this week.

February 11

Heat lightning strikes
Over Madeira Beach
As
I light a cigarette and
Feel like
dropping off the
Goddamn world.

A moment and brutality
From your mouth
changes
the
Universe
Even later when you say
you're sorry