Walmart Announces New Dress and Conduct Code

In a bow to its customer base, mega retailer Walmart is relaxing its formerly strict dress and conduct code for shoppers at all its store nationwide.

“It’s what (Walmart founder) Sam (Walton) would have wanted,” said corporate spokeswomen Heide McKinny. “People who would have liked to shop with us were instead going to Family Dollar or Kmart because of our antiquated dress and conduct code. Now they can come to us 24-7 and feel comfortable.”

Shoppers around the country seem to agree. Retail sales have spiked 8 percent since the new policy went into effect.

“Finally, the stuffy atmosphere is gone,” said customer Marc Ritchie, a construction worker from Chicago who lingered over the fresh produce section dressed in assless chaps and nipple pasties. “I definitely shop here more now.”

“I used to go to Kmart,” said James Aiken from Orlando. “I like to take a crap in the auto parts department. At Kmart I could mostly get away with it but got caught occasionally and did some jail time. Here I can run in for a bathroom rug, some pretzels, a coffee maker and then pinch off a loaf near the hubcaps and not have to worry about Big Brother ruining my shopping day.”

“We love the new feel,” said Missy Moore, who with her husband Ronnie from Plano, TX, enjoys having sexual intercourse in the children’s clothing section. They come to Walmart seven or eight times a week. "Being able to do it here really helps."

“Yeah. Makes me cum harder,” chimed in Ronnie.

“There’s no going back” said spokeswoman McKinny. “From now on it’s come as you are and do what you want at Walmart.”

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JOINT COMMITTEE MAKES STUNNING FINDING

WASHINGTON(AP) - A joint House and Senate set up to reopen an investigation of the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. will issue a report friday that concludes that King was not shot by James Earl Ray, but rather died as the result of a suicide.

"We were pretty stunned when we reviewed the evidence, but it's pretty crystal clear," said committee chairman Walt Restove (R-Vermont). "The son of a bitch actually killed himself."

The committe report will recommend that the King federal holiday be abolished and those workers who previously have take time off since the holiday's inception in 1986 be required to repay their employers.

"We can't give folks a day off for a suicide," said Restove.

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