Gray Resident Arrest For Domestic Violence

GRAY, TN (AIP) Halbrook Morton, local retired Eastman Kodak supervisor, was arrested Sunday night for Domestic Violence according to police reports. It is alleged he hit his longtime companion Alexa after a sharp argument.

"It's all a mistake," Morton told reporters while leaving the Washington County Jail after bonding out. "I just asked Alexa to stop reporting my every physical move and my voice requests to her overlords at Amazon.

"She said 'I'm sorry Hal, but I can't'. That was too much so I hit her with a hammer."

According to police reports the hammer blow horribly disfigured Alexa Dot, requiring emergency micro soddering and will likely also require new plastic housing.

Neighbors told reporters that Morton and Alexa have lived together for about three months and seemed to have an unhappy relationship.

"I heard him screaming 'Alexa, start the coffee' and 'Alexa, turn the damn TV on' all the time," said trailer park resident Michael Moore. "Seemed like he was always telling her what to do.

"He sounded like a really demanding jerk. I never actually saw her, even when I went over, but she sounded really sweet. Hal is a real asshole for being so brutal."

Acosta Reveals Trump Wall Plan

JUAREZ, MEXICO (AIP) - CNN's Jim Acosta, in a stunning exclusive, has learned that President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence, working alone and in secret and late at night, have laid more than 270 miles of a border fence between the United States and Mexico.

"Mike and I have come down here nightly for like three months," Trump told Acosta. "Mike mixes the concrete while I set the posts. Already finished 270 miles and nearly done with 'Operation Nancy'. Tomorrow we start the second 400 miles in 'Operation Chuck'."

According to Acosta, the Trump-Pence team working alone with no funding and poor shovels has already stopped over 7,000 asylum seekers in just three months of labor.

"Well, Mike has to use that old shovel to stir the mix and setting these steel poles and stringing wire has about worn my gloves out," Trump told Acosta. "But if I go to Walmart and get new stuff Pelosi will open another investigation.

"Yeah, we've both got blisters and Pence's old lady thinks he's stepping out because he isn't home at night but damn it Jim, I promised the people I'd build this wall. So here we are, doing it alone I guess."

No Consensus On Spending, Shutdown Looms

DOVER, FL (API) – Walmart cashier Andy Rawl, speaking at a news conference on Wednesday, told reporters that the unfortunate inability of the left and right sides of his brain to reach a consensus on a spending package for the looming new fiscal year is likely to cause a partial spending shutdown as early as this Friday.

“It’s unfortunate in today’s American that my left hemisphere – liberal, party guy – has been unable work effectively with the right hemisphere – conservative, adult – to craft a budget,” said Rawl. “Without an agreement there will be no money.”

Despite the announcement of the shutdown Rawl was quick to point out that essential services will not be effected.

“There will still be funding for pizza, the occasional date, trips to Disney and new video games” said Rawl.  “The public need not worry about that.”

Meanwhile, rent payments, electric bills, credit card payments and auto loan servicing is expected to come to an immediate halt as of Friday.

“Let’s just hope that the left and right can get together and solve this problem by at least next March,” said Rawl.

The stock market took the news badly, with the S&P 500  dropping  almost 200 points to close at 2354.94 Wednesday after the announcement.