Clinton Decides To Run

WASHINGTON (AIP) - Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton - her political instincts as sharp as ever - has sensed a stunning leadership vacuum and will soon announce her candidacy for the top spot according to Clinton Camp insiders.

“She’s definitely going to toss her hat in the ring and run for President of the Islamic Caliphate ,” said Clinton insider and former state campaign chairman Carl Epstein. “She thinks it will be a perfect fit.

“With her skills, her ability to get things done and have troublesome people removed she will be the perfect match for the position. I mean she’s been taking off people’s head for years.”

The sudden demise of religious cleric and former ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and the equally sudden passing of his former number two man Haji Iman seem to be heaven sent for a Clinton run.

“Previously Ms. Clinton has had a lot of luck with the right people dying at the right time,” said Epstein.  “Looks like lightning has struck again for her. And if Kamala Harris plays her cards right she could become VP."

New Whistleblower Has Mindblowing Accusations

WASHINGTON (AIP) - Presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) told reporters Saturday that a confidential whistleblower has contacted her office and supplied definitive evidence that President Donald Trump has no soul.

"It is stunning to me that a man serving as President of the United States could legally serve without a soul," Warren told reporters. "My people, the Chippewa tribe, have a name for that. Majimanidoo.

"As a Majimanidoo he should be impeached, strangled with a red cord and his body burned."

Warren claims that the whistleblower has well known access to the Vatican and a close relationship with the Pope.

Stunningly, unnamed Curia officals allegedly confirmed to the whistleblower that after checking with the Most High Lord of the Universe the Pontiff confirms that no person by the name of Donald J. Trump was ever assigned a soul by the Almighty.

Presidential aides could not stop giggling long enough to respond to reporters questions.

Florida Attempts To Clarify Parking Space Issues

TALLAHASSEE (AIP) – Florida Governor Ron DeSantis today signed a bill into law that he said will hopefully clarify traffic rules regarding car parking on Florida streets and in front of businesses in the Sunshine State.

“There seems to be some misunderstanding among our visitors and residents about proper parking protocol,” said DeSantis.  “This new law should go a long way toward answering what appear to be lingering questions.”

The new law, popularly known as the “Quick Draw” statute allows all parking disputes in Florida to be settled by gunfire between the parties.

“Let’s say that you both want the same parking spot and had both arrived on the scene at the same time,” explained DeSantis.  “At that point the fastest to draw, fire and kill can lawfully claim that parking space.”

“In a case where both drivers are wounded, the longest surviving driver is entitled to the spot.  This goes for regular and handicapped parking spaces.”

Unofficially parking enforcement officers are urging citizens currently possessing .38 caliber or smaller handguns to upgrade to larger models to increase their chances of closer parking to their intended destinations.

Social Justice for Dummies

I finally “get it".  I finally understand the theory of Social Justice.

In Florida a recently passed constitutional amendment would restore voting rights to convicted felons who have completed their sentences.  Now a political groups claims that convicted felons in Florida who would otherwise be eligible to vote under recently passed Amendment 4 are unable to do so because they are unable to afford to pay the fine and costs or restitution which was imposed as part of their felony sentence. They can’t vote because they can’t pay and that’s unfair.  That violates the equal protection clause under the U.S. constitution. Felons should not be responsible for the financial consequences of their crimes to the victims of those crimes.

Meanwhile, those same champions of voting rights for felons also believe that the people of this country should make some compensatory payments – reparations - to the descendants of African slaves.  They hold that we as Americans are corporately responsible for a crime committed over 150 years ago. Therefore I, a non-slave owner and the child of non-slave owners who were themselves children of non-slave owners, should be financially responsible for this historic social wrong.

These two examples cleared the definition of Social Justice up for me.  At its core Social Justice consists of developing a political agenda to reach preordained goals that requires its adherents to hold diametrically opposed opinions concurrently by force of will alone, without the benefit of logic or reason. Its practice requires the claiming or declaiming of responsibility and assigning the same in absolutely paradoxical ways in respect to others. It means living in the land of subtle hues and shadows where the strong sunlight of careful reasoning, interpolation and logical progression never illuminate the darkness.  It means holding core beliefs that are as flexible and elastic as rubber bands.

Ultimately Social Justice is about the subsuming of individual rights and responsibilities under the greater good as decided by the political beliefs of those in charge.  It is about shaming vast segments of society with kind of faux guilt for situations and events far outside their ability to control or affect meanwhile absolving individuals of crimes and the responsibility to pay for them for political purposes.

Writ large this philosophy creates a society where situational ethics guided by political goals become the deciding factor in every situation. It vacuums away individual responsibility for volitional actions. It is the mortal end of RIGHT and WRONG.

We have seen this exact type of social engineering before in the histories of war-time Germany and Japan and the Stalinism of the Soviet Union. Individual justice is swept away by the broom of authoritarianism labeled as what is “best for society as a whole”. Results in those countries were seemingly less than satisfactory.

DCF Agents Stop Tragedy

DELTONA, FL (AIP) – Agents from the Florida Department of Children and Family Services (DCF), on a tip from an unnamed source, raided a local hospital and stopped hospital authorities from filling out a newborns birth certificate that would have violated the Florida Fair Appellation Act (FFAA).

“An anonymous source called our office and told us that Ms. Martha Jones was preparing to name her newborn boy Shrodderick Diywon Jones,” said DCF spokesman William Bryant. “That’s a direct violation of the FFAA. With that name the newborn child would have been denied any chance at success in life outside professional sports.

“So we stepped in to stop this madness and give this child a chance.”

Bryant told reporters that upon their arrival DCF agents were able to talk Ms. Jones out of destroying her baby’s future. She decided instead to name him ‘Mark’, after her grandfather.

“Thank god we caught her before the birth certificate had been filled out,” Bryant told reporters.  “Otherwise the process is much more arduous.”

The FFAA was passed into law in late 2019 in order to stop parents of newborns from giving them “made up, frivolous, ludicrous, funny sounding or internally incorrectly spelled names”.  By law, if a parent names their newborn a FFAA violating name and gets the birth certificate filled out the parent would be brought before a judge and required to complete a DCF approved case plan in order to retain custody of the child.

“The plan usually requires the parent to legally change the child’s name to ‘Bill’ or ‘Mary’,” said Bryant.  “That’s usually the entire case plan.”

NEW LEFT DICTIONARY: Racist Defined

rac·ist

/ˈrāsəst/

Learn to pronounce

noun

1. 1.

   Anything that Donald Trump does or says apparently, up to and including "good morning".

Back Where You Came From

Hey nigger, kike, raghead, spic, cracker, coolie, dago, frog, gook, mick, kaffir, kraut, limey, paki, redskin, honky, wog, gringo, gypsy, coolie, monkey and goy. GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

Oddly that would be here. The United States. It's where WE come from so lighten up. The worst slur I could possibly direct toward you would be "humorless".

Looking For A Replacement Dog

Dear Sarah McLachlan,

My good and loyal puppy Moto passed away Saturday after nearly 16 years of being a good and loyal puppy.

Please send me one of those frozen dogs you're always singing about on those wretched commercials you voice over during my dinner time. Make it a cute one and please stop your fucking whining and ruining my pot roast.

Thanks, 

Randy

Equipment Malfunction Hurts Mickelson

Pebble Beach, CA (AIP) - Six time runner up at the US Open Phil Mickelson had yet another tough 3rd round on Saturday at Pebble Beach when he damaged his putter on the 8th hole in a bizzare golf accident and was forced to finish the round putting with his driver.

"Phil missed a two foot putt at 8," said golf writer Curtis Langs. "One of the spectators, some handicapped kid in a wheelchair, started laughing and Phil flipped shit.

"After the missed putt he turned and hit the kid in the mouth with his putter. It was perhaps his most accurate putt during the first three rounds. Unfortunately it damaged his putter."

Under USGA rule 4.1, a damaged club can not be replaced during the round unless the club is damaged by someone other than the player or his caddie.

"Phil argued with the rules committee that not he but the handicapped child had damaged his club," said Langs. "The committee disagreed."

Mickelson was unapologetic.

"That little fuck had been trailing me all day," said Mickelson. "I could hear those fucking pneumatic brakes on every green. He was heckling me. I had to teach him a life lesson."

Putter manufacturer Odyssey went so far as to apologize in a full page ad in the New York Post.

"Our company produces only the finest equipment. Our Odyssey Apex putter should help Mr. Mickelson drain a 60 foot snaking putt and break a 10-year old's jaw without any damage. We apologize to Mr. Mickelson."

Pelosi Agrees To Talks

WASHINGTON (API)  - Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi ( D, CA) has agreed to in theory to negotiate with the White House and House Republicans over boarder security and DACA on one condition.

"If the President agrees to commit suicide I will be happy to sit down and discuss reopening the government," Pelosi told reporters Friday. "He's got to kill himself first. After that we can talk".

When asked how negotiations could be carried out with a dead President, Pelosi's office said that it would pose no hurdles.

"We've got some pretty good clairvoyants and mediums in the House of Representatives," said Pelosi spokeswoman Brittany Heydrich. "We should be able to easily communicate with Donald Trump".

"I don't think it's unreasonable to ask the President to commit suicide," said Pelosi. "And if he's not man enough we could probably find someone to help him get there".