Sunday, September 18, 2016

Clinton Captures Special Interest Vote

LAS VEGAS (AIP) - If campainging has become a game of capturing special interest groups, then presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton would appear to have a leg up opponent Donald Trump with at least one cabal -the Bulimic and Anorexic Men of America (BAMA).

"We love Hillary," said BAMA spokesman Melvin Fischer. "Anytime I've had an exceptionally good meal and contemplate actually digesting it I just pop one of Hillary's porn videos in my DVD player and I'm hurling in no time."

Clinton's pornographic video collection, which she was reduced to performing in to 'make ends meet' when she and husband Bill Clinton left the White House broke at the conclusion of his second term as President, has become the number one seller to the BAMA crowd.

"I put one of Hillary's sex tapes - say Hillary Wipes The Server - on and I usually expel the entire contents of my stomach before the first money shot", said BAMA member Charles Naul. "She makes spurging and purging exceptionally easy.

"If you're looking to vomit, watching Hillary Clinton have sex is as sure a thing as a finger down the throat."

Election watchers expect Clinton to garner 100 percent of the small but influential BAMA vote in November.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Clinton Health No Longer In Question

YOUNGSTOWN, OH (AIP) – The electrified corpse of Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has taken a 3 point lead in this key swing state against Republican hopeful Donald Trump according to the latest Pew Poll of likely voters released Friday.

“We’re very pleased that Mrs. Clinton’s moldering cadaver is doing so well in this very important state,” said Clinton Ohio campaign manager Kelli Sorenson. “Ever since we hired that new makeup guy to keep Hillary looking fresh and nearly life-like we’ve noticed the polls have been reacting favorably.”

There have been other recent changes in the Clinton campaign strategy that have seemed to help the candidate.

“We’ve found that if we can keep the press and all our wonderful supporters at least 15 feet away and up wind from the rotting body of Mrs. Clinton they seem to be much more favorably disposed toward her,” said Sorenson.

A campaign aid, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that Clinton backers have an important breakthrough that should further increase lead in Ohio.

“They found that by using a series of electrodes and keeping a low voltage running through her body, her muscles can be kept rigid and the body remain upright without the help of the Secret Service,” said the aid. “She appears much more animated.”

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Clinton Expounds On Trump Supporter Comments

NEW YORK CITY (API) - Expanding on her comments about Presidential candidate Donald Trump's supporters being 'a basket full of deplorables' and 'unredeemable', Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton doubled down at her Whoopi Goldberg sponsored fundraiser on Thursday.

"Trump's supporters are dangerous to this country," said Clinton Thursday night, much to the delight of the $10,000 a plate guests attending the swank fundraiser. "They are a bacillus in the tissue of the American body politic. They are the rats in the walls of our nation. They are a cancer that needs to be cut out and destroyed.

"In a Hillary Clinton America I will weld the sharp scalpel of government oversight and bring all the awesome weight of the United States to bear to rid our nation of those people."

Trump spokesman Wayne Martin seemed a little taken aback by the vehemence of Clinton's comments.

"Wow... that's pretty harsh," said Martin on Friday. "I mean, would it really be legal for her to actually do that?"

Clinton campaign spokesman Hami Aduni made a lefthanded attempt to walk back the comments of the Democratic nominee.

"Clearly Mrs. Clinton wasn't saying that all Trump supporters would be physically destroyed should she become President," said Aduni. "The vast majority would merely be sent for reeducation to correct their distorted and erroneous political understanding of American. A year or two of intense political indoctrination and plenty of good, healthy outdoor labor should bring most everyone around nicely.

"Those who refuse to respond would, of course, be eliminated."