Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Clinton Campaign Gets Needed Boost

PETERBOROUGH, NH (AIP) – The sagging Hillary Clinton campaign, after losing momentum in the run up to the New Hampshire Presidential primary on November 9, enjoyed a much need boost Wednesday when the former Secretary of State announced that she would not attempt to have sexual intercourse with any male supporters during her campaign.

“I was for Bernie (Sanders) because I absolutely couldn’t stomach the idea of having any type of sexual contact with Hillary,” said New Hampshire Democrat Charlie Fincus. “That pants-suited body and those tragic ankles coupled with her horror show laugh turned me off completely.

“But now that she’s promised to not try to screw me I think I can support her.”

Clinton campaign strategist Maura Kelly said the time was right to make the announcement.

“Over time our polling numbers have shown that the vast majority of male voters were aghast at the idea of having sex with Hillary,” said Kelly. “And an even larger group was sickened by the idea of Hillary having sex with anyone, anywhere, any time. Her announcement Wednesday should draw in a large number of new supporters.”

Peterborough resident Mason Hills was one of the many relieved potential voters who attended Wednesday’s rally.

“There is no way I could put my fuck stick in that one,” said Hills. “I’d rather dry hump a bail of barbed wire. Now that the pressure is off I can reexamine her campaign without my gag reflex kicking in.”

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Greece Stops The Financial Bleeding

VAN NUYS, CA (AIP) – After almost two years of tottering on the brink of financial ruin and threatening to destabilize the entire European Union, Greece today announced that it had won the Powerball Lottery and was fiscally sound again.

“It’s a godsend,” Greece told reporters on Thursday. “When I saw that Powerball come up I had this feeling that I was going to win it all. This 1.4 large is really going to go a long way toward turning things around for me.”

Lottery officials were pleased that so deserving a nation could win the big one.

“It’s good to see a poor country finally have something good happen to it,” said Lottery spokesman Daryl Mays.

The only kink in the storybook windfall for Greece was the Germany reaction.

“We actually loaned Greece the money to buy the quick picks,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel. “Greece didn’t have a pot to piss in without us. I’ll be speaking to attorneys about possible legal recourses to claim at least a portion of the prize money.”

Despite Greece’s vow to become financially stable going forward, reporters did note that Greece was spotted at LA’s trendy Rooftop at the Standard bar with porn starlets Tori Black and Jayden Jaymes.

“They’re old friends,” said Greece when questioned by reporters. “I just wanted to get together and have a nice lunch before I returned to Europe with the big check.”

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Club Offers Exciting Promotional

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL (AIP) – The Pure Platinum Gentlemen’s Club, one of the oldest and finest gentlemen’s clubs on the East Coast of Florida has announced a new customer promotional which has patrons excited.

“Our normal cover charge is $10 for patrons entering the club,” said Platinum manager Ty Bignotti. “But we’ve worked out a special offer for our customers.

“Beginning Friday night, any customer who arrives with a child that is left in his vehicle while the customer enjoys the hospitality of our club will have the cover fee waived.”

Local tire store employee Max Reynolds is excited about the offer.

“Shit, I’ve got the kids every Friday night ‘cause the old lady works,” said Reynolds. “I’ve been letting them sleep in the car in the club’s parking lot for months now while I relax and unwind. I’m club Pure Platinum is finally recognizing me for that.”

Manager Bignotti says that the time youngsters spend in his parking lot can be a teaching moment.
“Everyone knows that kids as young as three or four can take care of themselves,” said Bignotti. “They’re safer in locked cars as long as daddy makes sure the windows are up. The time alone at night teaches these kids self reliance and bladder control.

"And we keep our parking lot dark as midnight so the kids can sleep."

Club patron Ryan McCandell has made plans to attend on the first night of the promotional.

“I don’t have any kids of my own, but I’ve offered to babysit my neighbor's five and six year olds that Friday,” said McCandell. “I’ll be there to tie one on.”