Boys Scouts Confirm Cryptic Report

NASHVILLE, TN (AIP) – In a stunning admission at the Boy Scouts of American annual meeting here Tuesday, BSA spokesman Kyle Michuud admitted that while the Scouts ban openly gay leaders, Scouting bylaws have long allowed men who engage in bestiality into positions of authority in the organization.

“It’s true,” confirmed Michuud. “We don’t really have a problem if men who have sex with animals are a part of our organization. We just won’t accept men who want to fuck our boys.”

Michuud went on to say that bestiality isn’t the only non-traditional sexual fetish that Scouting allows its leaders to participate in.

“Scouting is very inclusive,” said Michuud. “We have no problem with sado-masochism, autoerotic asphyxiation, foot fetishism, necrophilia, teratophilia or any number of ‘normal’ heterosexual practices. Just no fags.”

Gay and Lesbian Coalition spokesman James St. Michael was appalled at the disclosure.

“They’ll let those freaks in but not us?” he asked. “You’ve got to be kidding. Hell, I wouldn’t even go around a teratophiliac. Those guys are sick.”

(Teratophilia is defined by Wikionary as “the paraphilia characterized by sexual attraction to deformed or monstrous people.)

“Interesting that Mr. St. Michael is ready to condemn a misunderstood minority while he demands his group's rights,” said Michuud in response.


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Obama Outlines Future Foreign Policy

WEST POINT (AIP) – President Barack Obama today outlined his vision for future United States foreign policy to graduates from the United State Military Academy at West Point today by saying his overriding goal was to “ignore it and it will go away”.

“I have found in the six years of my administration that if we follow the example of the ostrich and bury our collective heads in the sand- really deeply- then the major problems and issues of our time will simply go away,” said Obama. “If we couple this policy with our unique ability to magnify the insignificant – sending the 82nd Airborne to Malaysia to help find a lost child at a local grocery store or a naval carrier group to rush badly need supplies of sun tan lotion to San Tropez – we can look effective without really doing anything of value.

“We can effectively remove the existential threats to this nation – Al Qaeda, Iranian nuclear weapons development, North Korean militarism – by closing our eyes, plugging our ears and humming a soft tune to ourselves.”

Obama assured the cadets that his administration would continue with its policy of kowtowing before foreign heads of state, sending Vice President Joseph Biden to international flash points to embarrass the country and generally being viewed as spineless throughout the world.

“If we’ve learned anything from the crisis in Syria, it’s the effectiveness of drawing meaningless red lines in the sand which others cross with impunity,” said Obama. “I would point to our policy of fruitless, time-wasting negotiations with Iran over its nuclear weapons development until that nation is actually nuclear capable as one of our proudest achievements.”

Sharpton Attacks Corporate Racism

NEWTON, IA (AIP) – The Reverend Al Sharpton today kicked off what he expects to be a nationwide boycott of the Maytag Appliance Company with a protest rally in front of the company’s Iowa headquarters for what he termed “blatantly racists” business practices.

“These racists corporate hate mongers have once again - long after the civil rights act became the law of the land- included a ‘Whites’ setting on their newest model clothes washer,” screamed Sharpton to about 45 protesters on the sidewalk in front of the Maytag building. “My Lord, have these people learned nothing.

“You’d think this was the 1950’s. A ‘Whites’ cycle on a washing machine is a slap in the face to people of color everywhere. It’s Jim Crow all over again.”

Maytag spokesman Carl Wisenback disagrees.

“This whole thing is absurd,” said Wisenback, speaking at a hastily called news conference. “The ‘White’ cycle on our washers is merely to designate the setting used for items that are safe to bleach. This whole protest is just insane. Much ado about nothing.”

Sharpton took offense at Wisenback’s remarks.

“Much ado about nothing? There that cracker goes, quoting a white man,” said Sharpton. “That just goes to show you how racist their thinking is.”



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Dwarf Seeks Relief In Court

BURBANK, CA (AIP) - Oxy, the little known eighth and seldom mentioned Dwarf, has filed suit in federal court seeking unspecified damages for being left out of the 1937 Disney blockbuster Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

“That cocksucker Walt (Disney) had me meeting with preproduction people and writers for months" said Oxy, speaking from his room at the Pacific Palisades Sobriety Center where he’s being treated for an unspecified chemical addiction. "I laid out the whole tale of how my brothers forced Snow into that Backpage.com prostitution thing. Fucking Disney changed the whole story into us being miners and dropped me from the film."

Lawyers for Disney Productions declined comment on the suit.

“I was ripped off,” said Oxy. “Now I’m gonna get me some.”

Oxy is no stranger to controversy. After leaving his brothers in Los Angeles Oxy briefly attended the University of California at Berkley but dropped out before graduating. A string of run ins with the law and a rumored alcohol and drug problem followed.

"I was pretty fucked up,” said Oxy. “In the mid 70's I shacked up with Destiny, that fourth daughter that was cut out of the Brady Bunch thing because Sherwood Schwartz thought that America wasn't ready for a bitch with a forehead tattoo and visible track marks. I felt her pain. I loved her.

"I took a razor to Greg one time when he, Bobby and Marcia tried an intervention on her ass. I was devastated when she got that hot shot at the Viper Room and died."

Insiders estimate that the movie has grossed more than $416 million dollars since its release.

“We’re asking for one eighth of that pot,” said Oxy. “That’s $52 million. That should buy plenty of happiness.”


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Fairytale Ends, Gretel Tells All

Encino, CA (AIP) - Gretel, having long kept silent about the events surrounding her abduction and subsequent escape from the Wicked Witch has finally admitted to her culpability in the death of Hansel, her erstwhile companion.

"We were just having fun,"said the 72-year old Gretel, now residing in the Aging Fairytale Character home in Encino. "We'd done a few lines of blow and Hansel decided that it would be an easy score. I mean who figures a militia member would live in a gingerbread house?

"Hansel went in first with the baseball bat and duct tape, like always, but the bitch popped up with the Sig Sauer. I saw Hansel's head explode like one of those Gallagher watermelons. Unreal. It was all pretty grim."

Gretel now admits she made up the abduction story and the oven incident that sent the Wicked Witch to California's gas chamber, the first woman to be put to death under Governor Jerry Brown's new "Get Tough on Witches" law.

"I mean, I feel bad about all that shit, but it was me or her," said Gretel. "Hansel and I had been corrupted by our close association with Jack and Jill. It was the drugs damn it."

Gretel also claimed to have never been Involed with Pinocchio's Red October terroist movement.

"I know he said the two of us were fucking, but he's a liar," she said breaking down tearfully.


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Redskins To Be Renamed

Washington (AIP) - Bowing to intense pressure from powerful critics, including 49 Democratic United States Senators, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder today announced that he plans to change the team's name.

"From now only this team will be known as The Cunts," said Snyder at Friday's press conference. "I'm profoundly sorry if our previous name offended anyone."

Snyder said that team attorneys have already obtained a copywrite on the new moniker and artists are presently working on a new symbol for the sides of player's helmets.

"We, the Cunts, are moving forward and hoping to put all this talk about offending folks in the past and just play ball," said Snyder.


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FLOTUS Launches New Anti Obesity Campaign

WASHINGTON (AIP) – First Lady Michelle Obama, recognizing the abject failure of her school lunch initiative to help kids lose weight, is changing tactics in her fight against juvenile obesity and will begin her “You’ll Never Get Laid Being Fat” campaign nationwide starting Monday.

“The lunch thing wasn’t working worth a damn,” said Mrs. Obama. “The kids starved themselves instead of eating what’s good for them. Now I’m going to appeal to their egos.”

The administration has earmarked $17 million to support the “You’ll Never Get Laid” anti obesity campaign, including specially made instructional videos distributed to schools to show 4th through 8th graders the various sexual acts they will never experience unless they shave off the pounds.

“We’ve recruited several high end porn stars to make the videos and the stars will travel across the country talking to school groups about the extremely satisfying sexual escapades they’ve had as a result of being fit,” said Mrs. Obama. “We expect the programs to have a huge impact.”

Mrs. Obama said that the approach will be multi-pronged.

“One instructional game we’ll have the kids play is to get out different food choices – some nutritious and some not – and teach the kids to ask themselves ‘What Would Ron Jeremy Do?”, said the First Lady.


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Famed Director Regrets Career

HOLLYWOOD (AIP) – Speaking to a group of reporters at a hastily called news conference, Academy Award winning director and producer Steven Spielberg today apologized for “misleading the public into thinking that hope exists when in fact it really doesn’t”.

“Almost the entire body of my work is a lie,” said a sobbing Spielberg, dressed in a terry cloth bathrobe and boxer shorts and clutching a bottle of Johnny Walker Black in his hand. “I regret that whatever childish, light at the end of the tunnel pabulum I’ve created that you people have swallowed like the fluff girls on a porn film movie set.

“I’ve transferred a lot of wealth from the pockets of the American public into my own by absolutely misrepresenting the human condition. You’re all doomed people. Doomed.”

Spielberg is the director and producer of such classic films as E.T the Extra-Terrestrial, Gremlins,Goonies, Hook and the Indiana Jones movies. The vast majority of his films have warm, fuzzy ‘it all works out in the end’ feeling.

“Twenty Six Million Russians, both military and civilian, died during World War Two,” said Spielberg. “No little twerp with a lighted finger came from the stars to save any of them. They died ghastly deaths. I should have been making more realistic films.”

Spielberg vowed to make amends for what he called his “misspent” career.

“From now on, nothing but snuff porn,” he said. “Those are one hell of a lot closer to the truth than the shit I’ve made up till now.”

No mention was made of his latest work The Big, Warm, Happy, Fuzzy which was scheduled to open this week across the nation.


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Stock Takes Huge Hit in Trading

New York City (AIP)- Shares of Yum! Brands (YUM), corporate parent of Kentucky Fried Chicken, took a huge hit Monday, falling from its opening price of $74.32 to $28.07 at the closing bell as investors sought to distance themselves from the company on news that founder Col. Harland David Sanders was never actually a colonel.

“The American people don’t want to be lied to when they’re making dining choices,” said Goldburg Marks stock analyst Trembley Goforth. “All these years Sanders held himself out as a Colonel and now we find that Captain was the highest rank he ever held.”

The revelation came with the release of Sander’s grandson Colby Sanders book “Deep Fry of Lies”, which hit bookstores Monday. The book confirms the long whispered rumor that Harland Sanders fabricated his military service history.

“Granddad only held the rank of brevetted Captain for a short time during the Spanish American War,” writes the younger Sanders, whose history of drug and alcohol abuse is well known among Hollywood insiders. “He was stationed in Tampa, Florida when Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders shipped out to Cuba. Granddad was in supply and ordinance. He thought if he called himself ‘Colonel’ more people would eat that fucking chicken.”

“I see the company going belly up in no time,” said Goforth. “Let’s face it; Burger King really is a scion of the House of Windsor. We’ve vetted that fact. And Long John Silver really does have a ‘long john’- a tape measure will prove that up. With so much truth available, why eat dinner at a liar’s place?”

The Department of Justice has an ongoing investigation into Sanders’ possible violation of the federal Stolen Valor Act and refused to comment.


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Local Town Benefits From Pentagon Giveaway

MAYBERRY, NC (AIP) – Following up on its recent policy of gifting state and local police and sheriffs offices with military equipment  which the Pentagon feels has either become obsolete or has outlived its purpose, the Mayberry Sheriff’s Office is the latest proud recipient of 7 AGM-158 JASSM subsonic cruise missiles.

“This wonderful gift from the Department of Defense will go a long way toward leveling the playing field twixt us and the criminals and that’s a fact,” said Mayberry Sheriff Andy Taylor. “Barney and I will be much better equipped to fight fire with fire.”

The AGM-158 JASSM has a range of roughly 620 miles and files at about 500 miles per hour, carries either a conventional or nuclear warhead and can literally be programmed to fly right into the open window of its target. The Pentagon is not giving any of the nuclear versions away however.

"That was a little disappointing," said Taylor.

“Last time we had to go out to the Darling boy’s place there was a hell of a dust up,” said Taylor.  “That damn Briscoe Darling was all liquored up and pulled a gun on me.  These AGM missiles should put the kibosh on that shit. Just put one right down his chimney and problem solved.”

Mayberry has a population of 1327 according to 2013 census figures.  Last year the town had 3 burglaries, 17 shopliftings and 627 cases of domestic violence according to North Carolina State Police records.

“ Deputy Fife and his our mechanic Goober are marrying the AGM launch platform to the top of the squad car,” said Taylor.  “This advance crime fighting tool should come online within the next 72 hours.  The people of this town can finally feel safe. We are gonna kick some ass.”

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my

Mom died yesterday a few years ago. Those with mothers will understand. Those without will understand in a more visceral way.

Nite mommy... I miss you....

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FDA Halts Tobacco Sales

WASHINGTON (AIP) –  The Food and Drug Administration today issued an order requiring tobacco giant KR Turnbull to halt both domestic and international sales of its new flavored cigarettes, alleging that the new product line was intended to target young people and get them addicted to nicotine.

“This is just one more attempt by the federal government to interfere with private industry,” said KR Turnbull attorney Michael Jane-Milo. “I can’t believe that the American people would stand by and let this kind of thing happen.”

“They are targeting children with this product,” said FDA spokesman Clive Monte. “Bubble gum flavored cigarettes? Twizzler flavored? Twinkie flavored?  It’s a thinly veiled attempt to introduce children to tobacco.”

Jane-Milo strenuously disagrees.

“That’s bullshit, adults chew bubble gum,” he said.  “Adults eat Tinkies and Twizzlers.”

The new product line, which includes cigarettes flavored to taste like chocolate ice cream, Coco Puffs, Captain Crunch, library paste and pencil erasers has been “wildly successful” according to Jane-Milo. 

“When we first came out with the cigarettes our customers would get an action figure with the purchase of each pack of cigarettes,” said Jane-Milo. “We are currently attempting to sign Justin Bieber as our product spokesman and star in our new Saturday morning show What The Cool Kidz Are Doing. This new FDA ruling will negatively impact that project.”

The FDA ruling will have no effect on KR Turnbull’s foray into the adult beverage market and it’s 90 proof liquor – a Kool Aid flavored bourbon – will continue to be available.

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Chilling Revelations From Gilligan's Island Dig Site

Kawaihae , HI (AIP) – Television archaeologists digging on the small, deserted island where the S.S. Minnow was shipwrecked in 1964 have discovered evidence that the Minnow’s crew and passengers engaged in cannibalism at some point in their ordeal before eventual rescue.

“The signs are unmistakable,” said lead archaeologist Max Van Kringle. “The skull of a woman was found in the pit that Gilligan and occasionally Marianne used as a garbage dump. Her skull has several cuts on the face and chops to the back of the head.  At some point her head was removed from the body.

“ It appears that the woman’s brain was removed from her skull and there are cutting signs that would suggest her cheeks were cut away from the bone.Furthermore her leg bones show clear signs of expert butchering, the same bone cuts one would normally find on the remains of slaughtered cattle.”

Back at Kawaihae team researchers have located the S.S. Minnow’s manifest and float plan, long thought to have been destroyed in a fire that ravaged the Minnow’s home harbor in 1975.  The float plan lists the well-known five passengers as well as two crew members, but an eighth name appears.

“The records are pretty water damaged,” said forensic document examiner Dr. Carolyn Zis-Collings, whose work tracing the identities of the spouses of Carol and Mike Brady from their first marriages caused a worldwide sensation.  “We can just make out the name ‘Kimmie’ but there’s no last name, which isn’t unusual. Let’s face it, we don’t even know Gilligan’s last name.”

None of the passengers or crew members ever mentioned ‘Kimmie” after rescue and the last member of that group died in early 2014.  No person by name ‘Kimmie” has been found in police records of missing persons during September of 1964 in the Kawaihae area.

“It’s a mystery,” said Van Kringle. “Hopefully further tests will shed more light on the subject.”

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Kidnapped Girls Rescued

South Hadley, MA (AIP) – The mastermind behind the kidnapping of 337 girls in the freshman class at Mt. Holyoke College has been captured and all of the kidnapped students have been safely returned to their respective dormitories, according to local law enforcement officials.

“We got him and the girls are safe,” said South Hadley police chief Conner West.  “Michael Greengeld, known as the notorious ‘Big Mike’, is in our custody and will be transferred to the International Criminal Court at The Hague as soon as we can get him a passport.”

“My client has done nothing wrong,” said attorney Kelvin Matte, the assistant public defender assigned to represent Greengeld.  “He took the girls down to Chili’s for a couple drinks and a few of the parents got a little upset. Law enforcement is acting like some kind of crime was committed here.”

“Oh, it’s a crime alright,” sad West. “The bastard is a monster.”

Parents of the kidnapped girls were obviously relieved.

“Thank god they’re okay,” said Dr. Phillipe Glass, father of one of the girls. “The son of a bitch that did this needs to hang.”

The mass kidnapping occurred last Tuesday, when parents calling the college were unable to locate their daughters.  Law enforcement, including agents for the Department of Homeland Security, immediately began a search to find the missing girls.  Tipsters led them to Greengeld who authorities say has a history of taking girls out for drinks.

The victims seemed remarkably unscathed by the ordeal.

“What’s the big deal?” said Crissy Pepperidge, a freshman majoring in Elizabethan Poetry in the college’s School of Useless Arts. “He bought us some drinks and I think a couple of the girls had some sliders.  The whole thing has been blown out of proportion.  My mom and dad always overreact.”

Management at Chili’s confirms that Big Mike and the girls were in the bar at the South Hadley location, but stresses that the bill was paid and there were no problems.

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Missing Malaysia Flight 360 Located

San Luis Obispo, CA (AIP) – Malaysia Airlines spokesman Najib Vong  confirmed Thursday that Malaysia Flight 360 has been has finally been located and recovered, drawing to a close the multi-national search and rescue mission that has been hunting the missing aircraft since February of this year.

“I was stunned,” said Michael Krenwich, a 19-year old part time Sip’N’Go employee and graduate of San Luis Obispo High School. “I saw on the news that the plane had gone missing so I took some time looking around my apartment – in the closet, in the kitchen cabinet – and finally found the damn thing under my living room couch next to my lost wheelbarrow game piece from the Monopoly set.”

Malaysia Airline spokesman Vong had no explanation as to how the plane ended up under the brown faux suede couch in Krenwich’s apartment.

“Our original search for Flight 360 began in the Indian Ocean,” said Vong, speaking via satellite phone from Kuala Lumpur.  “We later expanded the search to include Los Angeles and Compton.  We don’t really know how it got so much further north.

“But hell, we’ve lost like nine planes in the past six months.  One was found in a thrift store in Vancouver (British Columbia). We just don’t seem to be able to keep track of the damn things.”

“Hey, I understand,” said Krenwich.  “Do you have any idea how many cell phones I’ve lost?  It can happen to anyone.”

The plane Krenwich located should not be confused with Malaysia Airlines flight 370 which disappeared on March 8, 2014 shortly after takeoff from Kuala Lumpur International Airport with 227 passengers and 12 crew members.  That plane remains missing.

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Harvard Forced to Stop Research Project

CAMBRIDGE, MA (AIP) – Researchers at Harvard University were forced by a new Massachusetts state law on Monday to put an end to an experiment they’ve been engaged in for the past 87 years, 13 years shy of their goal.  Many in the Department of Clinical Literary Research are disappointed.

“For the past 87 years we’ve been attempting to prove the theory that 100 monkeys with 100 typewriters could produce the complete works of Shakespeare in 100 years,” said Dr. Rakesh Patel, lead scientist in the experiment. “This new state law restricting the use of animals for research projects other than vivisection has brought this experiment to a screeching halt. It’s really a loss for literary researchers everywhere.”

Although thwarted in its goal to produce the complete Shakespearian catalogue, the experiment was not without some success.

“In 1968 one of our monkeys, Number 87, did produce the line ‘tobeornot’, which excited the whole team a great deal,” said Patel.  “We thought we had finally made a breakthrough, but then things dried up.”

There have been low points through the years. In the late 1990’s several of the primates complained of writer’s block, while roughly 20 percent became raving alcoholics and at least two began using cocaine

.

“They’d get drunk in the evening and bitch about the fact that no one understood them,” said Patel.  “We sent 14 of the monkeys to Betty Ford, but we had to let go of six who refused treatment. They kept saying that they didn’t have a problem.”

Amazingly, in early 2001, one monkey, Number 31, produced an exact copy of the first six chapters of the novel 50 Shades of Grey.  In 2010 a primate duo, Numbers 16 and 42, typed out Al Gore’s bleak poem about climate change from his book Our Choice - a plan to solve the climate crisis.

“A few years back one of the monkeys typed up that song Baby by Justin Bieber,” said Patel. “And we did get a complete copy of Gibbons Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire but there were some typos.”

The end of the program means that Harvard scientists will have to find new homes for the monkeys.

“Number 12 has accepted the Writer in Residence post at the University of Michigan,” said Patel.   “Numbers 49 and 96 have signed at deal with Paramount to ink the next Tom Cruise movie and Number has been hired as a staff writer for The View.”  

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Fed Concerned About Contraction

NEW YORK (AIP) – Janet Yellen, Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve Bank, today announced that the Fed expects the economy to contract by as much as 16 percent in the coming quarter due to the lack of ink used to print United State currency.

“We all know that ink is the lifeblood of the US economy,” said Yellen. “Without that ink there can be absolutely no illusion of growth in the financial system.  We’re about to see a meltdown of the economy.  Jobs will be lost. The middle class with suffer.”

Spokesman Gary Shinara at the Dallas branch of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing confirms Yellen’s statements about the lack of ink for bills of all denominations of currency.

“No ink.  Can’t get a drop,” said Shinara.

The critical lack of the distinctive green and other inks used to print the bills comes as a result of a workers strike which has halted production in the only plant worldwide that makes the ink, the VONG Chemical factory located in the Vietnamese village of Bien Hoa on the banks of the Dong Nai River near Ho Chi Minh City.

“We have been on strike for six months,” said worker representative Vo Chi Cong, contacted by phone.  “The 217 people who work in this factory have been responsible for whatever growth the US economy has shown since 2008 and yet we work for the equivalent of $2.87 a week.  That’s bullshit.”

As many as 16 committees and sub committees of both the US House of Representatives and Senate will be holding hearings in the coming weeks to explore the economically devastating lack of ink.

Senator Max Goldblum (D-Oregon) is sponsoring a bill to raise the minimum wage in Vietnam to get the factory workers back on the job.

“The ink must flow in order to keep up the economic sleight of hand,” said Goldblum.

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TSA Announces New Screening Procedure

WASHINGTON (AIP) – The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) held a press conference Friday to announce new screening procedure for air travelers, effective immediately, which the TSA said should speed up airport screening and offer much greater protections for flyers.

“The new procedure is called ‘Guess the Number I’m Thinking Of’”, said TSA deputy security Chief Carolyn Mathews-Green.  “The screener will inform the potential flier that the choice field is between the n

Possible Breakthrough In Team Nicknames

NEW YORK (AIP) – A group of university educators and administrators from across the country has put forward a revolutionary idea that might finally break the impasse between Indian tribes and sports teams that bare names Indians find offensive.

“We’ve got an idea that is nothing but upside for both sides of this debate,” said Harvard Professor Rickman Janovich.  “We did some research and found that there’s only one minority in this country that everyone uniformly hates – poor southern white men. They’ve got plenty of nicknames and nobody - I mean nobody - is going to come to their defense or sue on their behalf.

"A school or team owner could safely change a team
 nickname to the Peckerwoods and no one would be offended," said Janovich

“What a great idea,” said Danny Red Eagle, chief of the Cherokee Tribe of Tennessee.  “It’s about time that those southern fucks took it in the ass.”

“There are literally thousands of slurs for southern poor white men,” said Janovich. “We’ll never exhaust the list of possible names. Shit kicker, honkie, cracker, gomer, mudskipper, redneck.  I could go on all day.”

Reports indicate that Washington Redskins president Daniel Snyder is seriously considering changing his team’s name to the Washington Po’buckers.

(According to the Racial Slur Database Po’bucker is a “Corruption of West African "Buuker" meaning devil, boogie-man or white man. Poor white trash  were referred to as "Po'buckers"”.)

Several high schools across the country have already switched names.  John Kennedy High School in Detroit has switched its moniker from the Braves to the Shiftless, No Account Honkies and the Rosemount High School “Warriors” are now the Rosemount “Pigfuckers”.

Not all schools are on board with the new idea.  At Chiefland High School in Chiefland, FL, athletic director Stanley Malvern says his mascot won’t be changing any time soon.

“We are proud to have been and will always be proud to be the Chiefland Drunken Indians”, said Malvern.  “Fuck those liberal bastards.”

Attempts to contact an organization for poor, white, southern men for comment were unsuccessful as there are no such organizations.


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DLBM Agents Lay Siege

PINELLAS PARK, FL (AIP) – Agents from the Department of Library Book Management (DLBM) have surrounded and laid siege to the townhouse of retired bookkeeper Joshua Davenport Meyers here on Sunday to enforce payment of a $12.86 overdue library book checked out in 2013 and not returned until last Wednesday .

“He took the book and didn't return it within the two week checkout period,” said DLBM Undersecretary for Compliance Enforcement Ritter Daniels, speaking from the command post agents assembled early Sunday morning.  “We’re here to see that the man pays up.  It’s the law and it’s our job to see that the law is carried out.The Federal Government is damn serious about debt collection."

Fifty agents in kevlar body armor carrying assault rifles have surrounded the townhouse and cut off access at the nearest through street. Armored black Humvees  patrol the streets outside the residence.  Sniper teams have taken up positions on neighboring roof tops and at least two drone aircraft are patrolling the skies overhead in a concerted effort to force the 67- year old Meyers to pay his overdue fine, but have so far been unsuccessful.

Meyers, contacted by reporters before cell phone service was interrupted by authorities, said that he merely forgot to return the book and would be happy to pay the fine by the first of next week, when his social security check is deposited in this account.

“It was a copy of Voltaire’s Essay on Customs,” said Meyers.  “Who else the fuck really wants to read that?”

According to DLBM officials Meyers has a history of ignoring the Federal rules governing library book borrowing.  Records produced by the Department show that Meyers checked out Albert Camus’ The Stranger in 1972 and returned it with a page ear bent down.

“This man has a horrible history with library books,” said Ritter.  “The Department is here to see that that behavior comes to an end.”

Meanwhile, at a free speech zone federal agents set up 26 miles from the townhouse local supporters protested.

"This is RIDICULOUS," said protester Ray White, speaking in capital letters. "Nobody reads Voltaire.  Who really cares?"


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Last Private Refinery To Close

Bethesda, MD (AIP) -The last privately owned bullshit refinery in the nation is closing at the end of the month, a victim of new federal regulations which owners say are driving them out of business and costing hundreds of American jobs.

"The government is putting us out of business, like it has all the other bullshit refineries," said Franklin Friday, 3rd generation refinery owner. "The Feds have wanted a monopoly on bullshit production for 50 years and it looks like they’re finally getting it. The only bullshit available after the end of this month will come straight from the government.

“The EPA issued a whole new set of rules regulating the MAPE (maximum allowable pungency emissions) that we can’t possibly meet in the time frame mandated and then exempted themselves from those regulations.”

At the height of private production there were 27 bullshit refineries operating in the United States. Texas alone boasted four. Now they're all gone.

"The Fed has built an incredibly large bullshit refinery near D.C. and can produce more bullshit at a lower cost than we can," Said Friday. "They’re using tax dollars to subsidize bullshit production.”

Federal officials agree that the government will be the sole producer of bullshit in the future, but say they haven’t driven anyone out of business. They argue that it’s the poor quality of privately refined bullshit that has driven private firms out of business.

"The government can refine bullshit to a purity that the private sector can only dream about," said Malcolm Glades, deputy director of bullshit operations at the Washington-area plant. "Privately produced bullshit is only about 60 percent pure. It’s contaminated with a healthy amount of truth. Federal government bullshit is 99 percent pure bullshit, there's no truth in it."

Glades expects that the quantity of bullshit coming from the government will increase exponentially in the coming months.

"Our goal is to be at maximum production by November," said Glades.

Meanwhile Bullshit Detector sales are down 60 percent this year.

"It’s like people don’t even want to identify bullshit anymore", said Riley Scott, president of the Bullshit Detector Trade Association.

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