Thursday, July 30, 2015

World Demands Answers About Cecil The Lion

NEW YORK (AIP) – People from around the world, outraged at the stalking and killing of Cecil the lion near a game preserve in Zimbabwe by American dentist Walter J. Palmer, have been asking what kind of man would do such a cruel thing and why.

New York University anthropologist Dr. William Mells, a expert on personality types, who has studied big game hunters for more than 20 years thinks he has the answer.

“The personality type of a man who would pay over $50,000 to fly halfway around the world to kill what was apparently a tame, people-friendly lion is actually pretty common in society” said Mells, speaking to reporters Friday. “You probably even know one or two.

“He’s generally a middle aged white male who recently purchased a Red or Black Corvette in an effort to mask his testosterone deficiency. The top three buttons of his shirt will be open, revealing a remarkably gaudy gold necklace.”

Mells told reporters that there are other indicators.

“He’s the guy at the bar that pays the attractive young bartender for his two beers with a hundred dollar bill,” said Mells. “In public he will talk way too loudly about the many expensive electronic items that he recently purchased. He will brag about his non-existent ‘really great’ golf game and intimate that he’s had sex with just about every desirable woman in the city.”

While some of these traits may appear in those who don’t have a predilection for killing big game animals, Dr. Mells says there’s one surefire indicator of those who do.

“The personality type we’ve been discussing will have the word ‘douche’ written across his forehead,” said Mells. “It isn’t visible under natural light, but throw a little black light on him and you can’t miss it.”

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Tiger Woods Frustrated By Poor Performance

ORLANDO (AIP) – Tiger Woods, the world’s former number one golfer, had perhaps the worst performance of his professional career Friday at the Chatham’s Place restaurant near his Orlando home, where for the first time in his career he was unable to find his mouth with a single forkful of food.

“It was stunning to watch,” said dinner partner Mark O’Meara, now golfing on the Champions Tour. “His approach was fine, but he just was unable to put the food in his mouth. It was horrible seeing the wheels come off like that.

“It’s unfortunate because when Tiger was on top of his game he would have destroyed that dinner.”

Woods, who selected the Brie Carroza salad to begin dinner, was painfully unable to put any of it in between his lips. In his final attempt he actually sent the salad off the table and it ended up some 15 feet away, near the dessert cart.

“I grew up watching him,” said 2015 British Open winner Zach Johnson who was paired with Sergio Garcia in the group behind Woods and O’Meara. “His dinner game has completely fallen apart. You could almost see the fear in his eyes when the waiter brought out the main course. He’s lost his confidence.”

When the staff brought out a lovely looking rack of lamb in rosemary au jus, things really got embarrassing for Woods.

“He couldn’t get it in the hole,” said O’Meara. “One of his attempts actually hooked off and flew into the gallery. It was a mile out.”

Woods, frustrated by his performance, retired halfway through the event and spoke to reporters.

“I hired a new fork coach and he’s completely changed my mechanics,” said Woods. “It’s going to take some time for me to settle in with the new approach style. I’ve got to be honest, it’s a bit frustrating.”

Woods’ former dinner coach Butch Harmon seemed amused by Woods dinner.

“When I was coaching him he could at least get dinner in his mouth,” said Harmon. “There’s every chance that he could starve to death before the Tour wraps up for the year.”

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

FSU Takes Steps To Stop Player Arrests

TALLAHASEE (AIP) – Outraged by a series of violent acts committed against women by members of his football team, Florida State University football coach Jimbo Fisher has instituted two new classes that each incoming freshman football player must complete before he ever takes the field.

“The first class is called ‘Don’t Leave a Mark’,” said Fisher, speaking to reporters Friday. “The second class is ‘Avoiding Video Surveillance’. We want our young players to be equipped with the knowledge and skills necessary to get through four years with our program without an arrest.

“Everyone smacks women around. We just don’t want our players to constantly be arrested for it.”

“I think it’s a step in the right direction,” said NCAA rules compliance spokesman Marty Shore. “UCLA and Ohio State have been offering those classes to incoming freshman for years. When’s the last time one of those schools had a player being arrested for bitch slapping a woman?”

Fisher said that the two orientation classes are just part of a comprehensive program to keep his players out of jail.

“The Tallahassee Police Department is on board with us,” said Fisher. “They’ve agreed to no longer respond to 911 calls involving Seminole football players. Their cooperation could really cut down on player arrests.”

Fisher said that he had no choice but to institute the new programs.

“There are two ways to tackle the problem,” said Fisher. “Either we make our players stop being violent toward women - which is never going to happen - or give them the skills to avoid detection and arrest.

“These are basically good young men we’re bringing in. And frankly I don’t think there’s a place on our team for an 18-year old who hasn’t smacked around a few women.”

Friday, July 10, 2015

Protestors Demand Racially Insensitive Name Be Changed

EASTON, PA (AIP) – The corporate headquarters building of the Dixie Cup Company, the world’s largest producer of paper and plastic disposable picnic dinnerware, was the target of thousands of angry protestors Friday demanding that the company change its racially charged name.

“We demand that this corporation drop the offensive name ‘Dixie’,” said the Reverend Al Sharpton, speaking to thousands of demonstrators. “That word is a slap in the face to millions of African-Americans, reminding us of the slavery ridden South.

"The might as well have named it the Lynching Cup Corporation."

In a statement released by the White House press office, President Barack Obama signaled his agreement.

“Next to global warming and the Confederate battle flag, the word ‘Dixie’ is the most existential threat our nation faces,” Obama said in the statement.

In a related demonstration at the offices of Kasper and Richter, protestors demanded that the compass manufacturer remove the direction ‘south’ from all of its compasses.

“It’s like some kind of agenda to humiliate the black man,” said protestor Marvin Littles. “When you tell a black man that he is heading south, the only thing he imagines is that he’s being sold into slavery. It’s racially insensitive.

“We demand that Kasper and Richter change the name of the direction from ‘south’ to ‘not north’.”

In another statement issued by the White House late Friday the President Obama again signaled his agreement.

“Next to global warming, the Confederate battle flag and the word ‘Dixie’, the direction ‘south’ is the most existential threat our nation faces,” Obama said in the statement.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Scientists Disagree About New Archaeological Find

NAIROBI, KENYA (AIP) – Archaeologists working a site on the outskirts of Nairobi have made an astonishing find that, if verified, will reset the fossil record and prove that assholes existed as far back as 12,000 years ago.

“We have found an asshole that carbon 14 dating indicates is at least 12,000 years old,” said Dr. Matthus Kingman, archaeologist in charge of the excavation. “We found an almost perfectly preserved skeleton with both middle fingers extended away from both otherwise clinched fists. The skeleton was clearly shooting the double bird at someone.”

Harvard Professor of Antiquities Dr. Blaine Quartermaster said that the find in itself doesn't conclusively prove that the skeleton was an asshole.

“There are two schools of thought here,” said Quartermaster. “The dominant and widely accepted theory is that assholes have been a recent development in the evolution of mankind and the fossil records seems to show that.

“And of course, the raised middle fingers by themselves don’t really prove this man was an asshole. He could have had arthritis.”

Kingman, who has named the skeleton ‘Nairobi Man’, said that there is plenty of proof that the man was an asshole.

“Aside from this man having died shooting the bird at someone, we also found a perfectly preserved Rolex Submariner still wrapped around his left wrist, a pair of Tony Lama lizard skin boots on his feet and the keys to a Corvette next to the remains,” said Kingman. “Clearly he was an asshole.”

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Invasion Catches NATO Off Guard

ROME (AIP) - In an event wholly unexpected by both NATO and the Pentagon, tribes of Gauls and Visigoths arrived outside the gates of the city of Rome, declaring their intent to "rape and pillage" the metropolitan area, an event that Italians haven’t experienced in over 1,500 years.

“This was completely unexpected,” said North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) spokesman Colonel Max Van Plank, speaking from NATO headquarters in Brussels. “We were prepared for a Russian move in the East, or Islamic terrorists. We didn’t expect to see Barbarians pouring down the Po Valley and headed to Rome again.”

The Germanic tribes, led by Alaric Jr., have threatened to ‘sow terror, fear and trembling’ throughout the entire country and reclaim the glory that was once theirs.

“Eternal City my ass,” said Alaric, speaking to reporters just outside the city limits. “We sacked this place in 410 and we’re back in 2015. We are so going to rape and pillage.

The Germanic tribes, led by Alaric Jr., have treated to ‘sow terror, fear and trembling’ throughout the entire Eternal City and reclaim the glory that was once theirs.

“Back in the day the entire population of Western Europe looked at us with fear. Well, were here to bring back the 4th Century A.D. like it never left.”

“There isn’t much NATO can do to stop this invasion,” said Van Plank. “It would appear that the people of Rome are again at the mercy of the Barbarians.”