Wednesday, April 29, 2015

New Federal Regulations Halt Development

GREENVALLEY, NC (AIP) – In a ruling announced Friday, the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has designated the land at both Boardwalk and Park Place to be ‘environmentally sensitive protected areas’ and denied developer Kyle Wilson’s request to build either houses or hotels on those properties.

“I mortgaged my holdings in Marvin Gardens and the Water Works to acquire those lands,” said Wilson, speaking to reporters Friday evening. “This new federal designation denies me the ability to develop these properties, which in turn will probably bankrupt me.”

Sister Shellie Wilson agreed with her brother.

“The new EPA requirements on the disposal of coal combustion residual (CCRs) have essentially forced me to board up the Electric Company,” said Shellie. “There is no way I can comply financially with the new environmental requirements.”

Meanwhile, a preliminary finding by the State Department will probably make father Matt Wilson’s dream of building a pipeline across his three properties at Pennsylvania, North Carolina and Pacific Avenues just a pipe dream indeed.

“These are now essentially worthless properties, thanks to intrusive government regulation in private industry,” said Matt.

Meanwhile the local governments of Baltic and Mediterranean Avenues have both declared bankruptcy and stopped making monthly pension payments to retired avenue workers, meaning that development in both the housing and hospitality industries has come to a halt.

“There’s no way I can win,” said an angry Matt Wilson. “In fact there’s no way that any of us can win. The family briefly discussed folding this up and moving on to play The Game Of Life, but new, higher income tax rates and Obama Care requirements have drained the fun out of that too.”

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Protesters Seek Justice In Baltimore

BALTIMORE (AIP) – Protesters in large numbers came out again Monday night in a show of civil disobedience in the wake of the death of local resident Freddie Gray and proceeded to loot every local electronics store of virtually every flat screen TV in the greater Baltimore area.

“The Hitachi, the Sony, the Magnavox; only by taking these will we find social justice,” said the Reverend James Carmichael, speaking to a crowd of mourners Monday afternoon. “It is only through the pilfering of high end electronics can the community find peace and justice.”

Protesters took Carmichael’s words to heart.

“The death of what’s his name is a crime that society must pay for”, said protester Marcus Washington, speaking while exiting the Best Buy with a 46 inch Sony TV under his arm. “We demand some fucking justice and Hi Def viewing pleasure.”

Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake urged business leaders to take preventative measure in the wake of the protests.

“We strongly urge businesses not to lock their doors or otherwise impede these protesters”, said Rawlings-Blake. “Businesses can avoid broken store front windows and wrenched-off doors by simply keeping their doors unlocked and their asses out of sight.”

By early Tuesday morning it became apparent to Carmichael and other protest leaders that the stock of available flat screen TVs had become exhausted.

“I’m now urging my fellow protesters to seek justice for Freddie Gray in the looting of top tier wrist watches, sunglasses and designer handbags,” said Carmichael. “This is how Gandhi or Martin Luther King would have adapted to meet this fluid situation.”

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Clinton Surges In Polls Despite Suspicion

GREEN RIVER, UT (AIP) – Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the main person of interest in a series of prostitute murders in Utah and Colorado along the I-70 corridor dubbed the ‘Green River Murders’, has surged to the top of the national polls as the people’s choice for the next President of the United States.

“I guess the people of America are finally ready for a President Clinton who sits down when she pisses,” said Clinton to a cheering crowd at a campaign rally in Dallas on Sunday. “It’s time to turn the tables and have Bill washing the lip stick stains out of my panties for a change.”

Green River Sheriff’s Captain Michael Fukes said that his office is finally closing in on Clinton.

“We have Clinton on surveillance video from the local Wal-Mart buying duct tape and a filet knife with a State Department credit card one day before the ducted taped body of local prostitute Jennie Brown was found with her throat sliced open,” said Fukes. “The only thing we don’t have is DNA evidence.

“Clinton is clever, but every time she comes to town, another prostitute ends up in a dumpster.”

True Hillary supporters seem to care less that the potential President may well have a great deal of blood on her hands.

“Has Hillary killed 13 prostitutes in Utah and Colorado?” asked supporter Andrea Jacobs of Salt Lake City. “Maybe, but frankly she could debone an infant on national television and I’d still vote for her. She’s a strong woman, like me, and I think it’s time people stop being so sexist.”

Fukes said his office is close to making an arrest in her case.

“Our main concern is that we arrest her for the murders, she gets elected President and pardons herself,” said Fukes.


Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Baylor Unable To Explain Poor Decisions

PRESCOTT, AZ (AIP) – Louis Baylor, famous nationally for his string of bad choices in critical life matters, was unable to give a cogent explanation to reporters again on Friday concerning his latest bone-headed decision which has caused his life to take yet another downward spiral.

“What can I tell you guys?” said Baylor, an independent contractor for a local cold call vacation phone operation. “It seems like I’m singularly unable to look at a clear choice between two competing directions and figure out the one that is actually in my best interests.”

Baylor’s incredible string of bad choices first began in 2000, when he sold a gold coin collection his late father had amassed and poured the proceeds into stock in the Enron Company. In 2001 Enron went famously tits up.

“Yeah, that wasn’t so smart,” said Baylor.

Following a string of horribly bad personal choices from 2001 to 2007 that cost Baylor his home, wife, at least two loyal dogs and the tip of his left pinky Baylor made the incredibly bad decision to invest the proceeds from his mother’s life insurance policy with Bear Stearns in early 2008.

“I don’t know what I was thinking on that one,” said Baylor.

As recently as February, 2015 Baylor ‘bet the farm’ on the Seattle Seahawks to beat New England in the Super Bowl.

“I can’t believe I lost my grandfather’s farm on that one,” said Baylor.

Baylor’s next chance to really fuck things up for himself will come in May of this year, when he will purchase airline tickets for his next vacation.

“It’s either Tahiti or Fallujah, Iraq,” Baylor told reporters. “I’m having a tough time deciding.”

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Systems Failure Traps Shoppers

ST. PETERSBURG, FL (AIP) – Six unfortunate shoppers were trapped for nearly nine hours at the Tyrone Shopping Mall’s Macy’s Department Store Friday when a critical system providing power to the escalator failed, trapping the shoppers between the first and second floors.

“It was a nightmare,” said Sherry McIntyre. “My 7-year old and I were trapped with the others halfway between floors. I was terrified.”

Eventually St. Petersburg’s elite Fire and Rescue Unit arrived at the scene.

“We’ve trained for exactly this type of disaster,” said unit Lt. Martin Mayhew. “Our team sprung into action, set up a block and tackle arraignment through a steel girder in the ceiling then team members literally swooped in from above and plucked the at-risk shoppers off the escalator and deposited them in the men’s section of Macy’s.”

Four of the shoppers were slightly injured in the rescue. They were transported to Bayfront Medical Center, treated and released.

"Any time there is a tricky rescue, there's a chance of injury," said Mayhew.

“About five hours into the ordeal my 7-year old Kyle asked me why we couldn’t just walk back down the escalator stairs to the first floor,” said McIntyre. “He’s way too young to understand the dangers involved. It was crazy talk. “

The National Transportation Safety Board rushed a team to the site and is expected to release a report about the catastrophic failure this week.

“We’re just glad everyone is okay,” said Macy’s store manager Margaret Van Houten.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Filmmaker Michael Moore Promotes New Documentary

(photo courtsey of Master Photographer Danny K)

LAS VEGAS (AIP) – Documentary film maker Michael Moore, whose insightfulness, slick editing and cunning manipulation of the facts has made him a darling of Hollywood intelligentsia decided to take a quick nap while speaking to reporters on his way home from picking up a bag of burgers at the White Castle after attending a session of the National Association of Broadcasters convention in Las Vegas on Tuesday.

“Time for Mr. Michael to catch some Z’s,” said Moore, who made himself comfortable propped up against a wall. “Genius occasionally has to saw some logs. Hell, it’s been a tough day.”

Moore is promoting his new film Hate Speech In America, which utilizes the aggressive interviewing of unsuspecting and unprepared non-spokespeople to zero in on the increasing number of individuals who are condemning radical Islamic fundamentalism in the United States.

“We’re pretty much begging these peaceful and deeply religious folks to cut off our heads in righteous indignation,” Moore said earlier. “I’m going to kick the shit out of the hate speech folks, just like I nailed Kmart in the Colombine thing,”

As Moore fell into a deep sleep he became unresponsive to reporters, who were forced to slap him into a semi-comatose state to complete the interview.

“It ain’t easy boys,” said Moore. “Manipulating the facts down to the point where they back my social position is like trying to put a six foot corpse into a two foot square Samsonite suitcase. It can be done, but you gotta cut some parts off.

“It sure isn’t easy to be the Leni Riefenstahl for the Left,” said Moore, falling back into what reporters agreed appeared a very self satisfied sleep.


Friday, April 10, 2015

BMW Offers Breakthrough Safety Feature

CHICAGO (AIP) – Premier car manufacturer BMW has announced the latest breakthrough safety feature in the company’s continuing quest to build a safer car. Beginning with this year’s models, the BMW will no longer allow its owners to drive anywhere they are inappropriately dressed to go.

“It’s amazing,” said BMW 328S owner Marty Spankman. “Last week I came out of the house to go to the office and had inadvertently grabbed a green tie to go with my blue suit. The car stubbornly refused to start until I went back inside and got a red tie. The car probably saved my life.”

“Our new safety breakthrough will certainly avert many tragic events for our owners,” said BMW spokesman Klaus Goering.

Mary Suffield of Columbia, S.C. agreed.

“I had this suit on and my Bimmer told me that the pants made my ass look big,” said Suffield. “I switched to a dress and was the life of the party at the office Christmas luncheon.”

The new feature takes some getting used to, according to Michael Paine, of Gary, I.N.

“I spent about an hour trying to explain to the damn car that it was Casual Friday at the office but it still wouldn’t budge,” said Paine. “I finally phoned the dealer who told me that I had failed to purchase the Casual Friday upgrade when I bought the car. He was able to download it to the car and I was finally on my way to work.”

Goering was quick to dispel the notion that the safety feature may BMW models occasionally recalcitrant to take the owners where they need to go.

“The executive package software will take our owners wherever they want,” said Goering. “Along with the Casual Friday upgrade we also offer a Wal-Mart option that will allow the owner to drive to that location in his or her pajamas”.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Mexican Man Makes Scientific Breakthrough

MEXICO CITY (AIP) Local printer Emilio Escobar has stumbled unwittingly onto a revolutionary development in his field that he is sure will revolutionize the entire structure of his nation and perhaps the entire world.

“It’s called ‘moveable type’”, said Escobar. “This development will change everything.”

Moveable type, according to Escobar, is a system of printing that utilizes individual letters, numbers and punctuation on small lead blocks, allowing printers to reproduce a document an unlimited number of times quickly and easily.

“This will put an end to the old system of hand copying manuscripts,” said Escobar. “We will be able to mass produce copies of books, novels, plays. Everything.

“The people will be able to disseminate ideas, philosophies, scientific knowledge, poems and songs. This development will spread knowledge across out entire society; foster the exchange of ideas and technical breakthroughs. It’s revolutionary.”

Experts expect a renaissance in the culture of Mexico, similar to the one that revolutionized Europe in the in the middle of the 15th century when Johannes Gutenberg made exactly the same technological leap.

“There has been a dearth of world class Mexican writers, composers, poets and painters,” said Rubin Thomas, who studies social trends for Forbes Magazine. “Perhaps, with the advent of moveable type, we might expect to see some develop.”

And while moveable type is sure to move Mexico into at least the 18th century, Thomas noted that the nation still has a ways to go.

“Those people are at least three generations away from the development of incandescent lighting,” he said. “And it’s doubtful they will develop flush toilets any time soon.”

Monday, April 6, 2015

Baseball's Hamilton Admits Mistakes

LOS ANGELES (AIP) – Angels outfielder Josh Hamilton stunned the major league baseball world Sunday when he announced that he has come to understand that he is ‘only human’, the first time a major league baseball player has admitted to both humanity, with all its foibles, and mortality.

“I’m just a guy,” said Hamilton. “I face the same demons and struggles that other men face in life. I guess, like other folks, I am prone to mistakes and errors of judgment.”

Veteran baseball sports writer Hume McCracken was stunned by the announcement.

“I find it very hard to believe that a player of Hamilton’s ability and experience is actually human,” said McCracken, speaking to reporters Sunday evening. “This guy has had some shining moments and some real lows, but for him to think he’s only human is stunning. I’m speechless.”

Hamilton confessed to 60 Minutes host Scott Pelley that life ‘is sometimes hard’.

“I screw up occasionally Scott,” said Hamilton. “Some mornings I wonder what it’s all about and some nights, in an effort to ease the pain I have a couple beers. I know I’ve done wrong. I’m just a man.”

Major League Baseball spokesman Michael Johnson was outraged.

“Okay, so Hamilton is merely mortal? He’s looking at least a minimum 60 game suspension,” said Johnson. “Fallible? Well, he’s going to have to pay for that.”

Friday, April 3, 2015

Metcalfe Speaks With Reporters

GREEN RIVER, CO (AIP) – Meeting with reporters for the first time since the event, Karl Metcalfe was blunt.

“Fuck you”, said Metcalfe, clearly emotionally shaken and visibly upset. “I mean it. Just finally fuck you.”

Reporters questioned Metcalfe, who seemed unresponsive.

“I said fuck you and I mean it”, Metcalfe finally repeated. “How many ways can I say fuck you? I’m fresh out of any other more expressive ways to state my foundational feeling, which leaves you and me with fuck you.”

Metcalfe then began to sob silently. When reporters held him gently he deeply inhaled and then turned away.

“FUCK YOU,” he screamed, getting into his ’79 Trans Am and leaving the press conference.
Reporters doubted they would ever see him again so they turned on an Air Supply CD and wept bitterly.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Kerry Announces Iranian Deal

WASHINGTON (AIP) – Secretary of State John Kerry, speaking to a crowd assembled at Dulles International Airport upon his return from negotiations with Iranian officials in Lausanne, Switzerland, waived a signed agreement over his head and announced that he had reached a deal with ‘guarantees peace in our time’.

“We did it folks,” said a jubilant Kerry.

According to State Department officials, the deal requires the Iranians to ‘like’ the United States and not to be mean to us. In return, the American officials agreed to immediately remove economic sanctions against Iran that were first put into effect in an effort to stop Iran from enriching uranium in order to build a nuclear weapon.

“They like us, they really like us,” said Kerry to a cheering crowd.

Republicans were quick to point out that the agreement doesn’t actually require Iran to ‘like’ us, but only not to ‘hate us so much and quit calling us Satan’.

“The Secretary’s characterization of the plain language of the agreement is not accurate,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.

Analysts pointed out that no where does the agreement mention nuclear weapons or the enrichment of uranium.

“We found that the whole bomb thing was a real sticking point in negotiations so we dumped that demand,” Kerry told reporters. “Once we removed that sticking point the agreement pretty much worked itself out.”

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Burns Releases New Documentary

COLUMBUS , OH (AIP) – Famed documentary director Ken Burns, whose previously popular series include films about the Civil War and the jazz age, has turned his attention to Youth League baseball in his newest film It's A Game Of Sex.

“It was pretty appalling,” said Burns, speaking to reporters by phone. “The game has a dark underbelly.”

The highlight of the film is an interview with famed youth league coach Barton McQuire, six times manager of national championship teams.

“Basically we started the youth league here in Columbus so men my age could have unlimited and unsupervised access to large numbers of young boys,” said McQuire. “The situation comes with a built in trust relationship that can easily be manipulated. I’m the coach, do what I say. Suck my cock. It’s surprisingly easy.”

Fellow coach Marty Johnson agreed.

“The parents would literally leave their boys in my possession,” said Johnson. “Those weekend road games were something out of Arabian Nights. Oh, we played baseball, but at night we just played.”

Burns said filming the movie was a real eye opener.

“I asked a number of parents about this and they all said the same thing,” said Burns. “They all told me that ‘it’s just part of the game’.”

“After 25 years of coaching all I can tell you is there are a large number of young men in the greater Columbus area that will never walk straight,” said McQuire.