Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Opening Arguments Begin In Lawsuit

CHESHIRE, ENGLAND (AIP) – Opening Statements began today between co-defendants Hamilton Fence Company and the King, who find themselves being sued by the estate of Mr. Humpty Dumpty, whose life was allegedly cut short by a fall from a defective wall built by the Hamilton Company.

“Hamilton Fence created an attractive nuisance with the construction of that wall which enticed my client,” said Attorney Charles Beck-Whitmore, counsel for the Dumpty’s estate. “And after his tragic fall, both the King’s horses and the King’s men rendered ineffectual medical care, hastening the death of Mr. Dumpty.”

Beck-Whitmore is best known for successfully suing the owner of the hill where his client Jack fell down and broke his crown.

“The plaintiff in this case knew or should have known that - being an egg - a fall from any height would likely be fatal and therefore should have avoided climbing the Hamilton wall,” said defense attorney Carol Wagner. “He was the primary contributor to his own demise.”

Martin Kline, attorney for co-defendant the King, took a similar line.

“Dumpty was a well-know daredevil,” said Kline. “His shell was only 400 micromillimeters thick, for god’s sake. It’s like he was trying to die.”

The plaintiff accuses the both the King’s horses and the King’s men of improper medical attention after the fall.

“There was yolk fucking everywhere,” said Kline. “How were the defendants supposed to put that back together again?”

Arguments in the case continue tomorrow.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Local Boy Personally Effected By Climate Change

FARMVILLE, VA (AIP) – Prince Edward County Middle School Eighth grader Tommy Eversburger has announced that his is completely unable to master geometry because of the devastating effects of man made climate change to our world.

“Add my inability to ‘get’ geometry to the list that includes sea levels rising, ice sheets melting, the creating of ISIS,decreasing snow cover and ocean acidification,” said Eversburger. “This man made problem is probably going to make me repeat the 8th grade.”

President Barack Obama, who upon learning of the devastating personal effects of man made climate change on Eversburger’s invited him to the White House to discuss what steps the government might take to ameliorate the problem.

“There are things we can do to help young Tommy,” Obama told reporters at a Rose Garden press conference, flanked by Eversburger and former Vice President Al Gore. “I am issuing executive orders that will immediately tax and regulate coal burning power producing plants completely out of existence in a matter of months.

“My administration will also see to it that everyone walks to work from now on and there will be no more charcoal grills sold or used in the United States.”

A grateful Eversburger told the press that he was excited by the new government intervention into the economy.
“Well, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to learn geometry, but I think it’s cool that someone is finally doing something positive,” said Eversburger.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Local Man Makes Stunning Discovery

DECATUER, GA (AIP) – Local journeyman electrician Michael Thomas, 27, was stunned to learn Friday that former Vice President Al Gore’s real name is simply Al Gore.

“I always thought his name was FuckingAlGore,” said Thomas. “I was shocked to read that his name is simply Al Gore. I’ve never heard that. The ‘fucking’ has always been said first by everyone I know. Jeez. I feel really stupid.”

Harvard political science professor Martin Van Ness said that many people make the same mistake with Gore’s name.

“Most Americans think his name is really FuckingAlGore,” said Van Ness. “That’s not what his birth certificate says. It’s just kind of become shorthand for the American peple.”