Sunday, August 31, 2014

California Passes New Medical Drug Law

SACRAMENTO, CA (AIP)- Bowing to a strong grassroots movement of feminist sexually repressed women, California became the first state to pass a medical roofie bill, making the notorious date rape drug legal.

The new law, signed by Governor Jerry Brown on Thursday, was backed by the Coalition of Sexually Repressed Women.

"Thank god, I can finally have illicit sex with complete strangers without the emotional train wreck that used to come afterwards," said state represntative Martha Coakley (D-San Francisco) a strong proponent of the new law. "Last night I did two guys at the same time, both complete strangers, and to I have no regrets or remorse thanks to roofies."

Republican represntative Marc Johnston, normally conservative, went along with the ground swell movement.

"I think its a really good thing," said Johnston. "I dump one of these now lawful pills in a really hot girl's rum and coke at the bar and an hour later I'm ass-fucking her in the front seat of my car. I finish and go and she doesn't feel like a cheap slut the next day. It's win-win."

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Bucket Challenge Craze Comes To Orlando

ORLANDO (AIP) – The Buddhist Monk Challenge, a national crazy that has raised millions for charity, has found its way to Orlando’s Conway Elementary School, where principal Harold Fuchs filmed himself challenging all other Orange County Elementary principals to ‘do this or donate’ then dumped an ice bucket of aviation fuel over his head and flicked a Bic lighter.

“It was way cool,” said third grader Mary Ann Kotchman. “I think it’s great that Mr. Harold would writhe like that for charity.”

“His screams were awesome,” said a laughing Conner Martin, fourth grade class president. “I still can’t believe a human can actually scream that loud. I hope all the other principals do it too.”

Nationwide the craze has raised over $14 million for charity. Milton Freemanson, whose company Flashpoint Productions helps local organizations stage Buddhist Monk Challenges around the country, explained the concept.

“Buddhist monks in Vietnam during the war first came up with the idea,” said Freemanson. “Local celebrities, television personalities, firefighters, police chiefs, just about anyone can do it. All it takes is a bucket of high octane aviation fuel, reliable lighter and steel nerves.

“We film participants as they make the verbal challenge for others to either do it themselves or donate at least 28 percent of their yearly salary to charity. We’ve raised huge amounts of money.”

So far nationwide over 400 challenge takers have perished, while at least 27 remain in burn units at various hospitals around the country, mostly with extremely poor chances for survival.

“It’s a lot of fun,” said Freemanson. “The kids love to watch. Almost everyone thinks it’s a wonderful idea.”


Monday, August 25, 2014

New Poll Suggests Young Voters Happy

NEW YORK (AIP) – The latest Pew Research polling indicates that the majority of Americans under age 40, some 87 percent of those responding, are very happy to be governed by a hubris filled ruling elite who have undergone Botox or testosterones injections and speak to the electorate in the condescending way normally reserved for a stupid child.

“I much prefer to be governed by a group of semi-conscious elderly folks,” said young Republican voter Mindy Peppershank. “They know what’s best for us.

“For example, Nancy Pelosi’s comment that ‘we have to pass the bill to know what’s in it’ is really something people of my generation understand. It’s insightful and brilliant in its logic. I never would have known if I should be for or against Obama Care without her pointing the way.”

The vast majority of young voters feel the same way according to the Pew poll.

“I sometimes get angry with the things the government does, but then I remember that these elderly men and women are actually better and brighter than most of us,” said Steve Quarles, a 36-year old airline pilot and registered Democrat. “They know what’s best for each of us and force us to do it, regardless of our personal preferences or desires. It’s really a lot of responsibility taken off our shoulders and thrust onto theirs.”

Pew research indicates that a slightly small majority of young Americans, 82 percent, love to be condescended to by those in office.

“I love being talked down to,” said Kwami Sportu, a nuclear engineer and registered independent voter. “There’s no better for our elected officials to show us the utter contempt they hold us in than for them to speak to and treat us as imbeciles.”

Friday, August 22, 2014

Vice Presdent Speaks About the Middle East

BRANSON, MO (AIP) – Vice President Joseph Biden today lashed out at the growing strength of ISIS throughout the embattled Middle East and warning them at the United State is quickly losing patience with the violence and terror they are spreading.

“My God, what kind of name is ISIS?” said Biden, speaking to the crowd at the Moon River Theatre before the Three Redneck Tenors took the stage for their evening show. “I mean, they named their army after a 1970’s TV show? If I was in charge I would have named them something tougher like ‘The Jihad Tigers’ or ‘The Killers for Muhammed’.”

The Isis television show starred JoAnna Cameron and Brian Cutler and ran from 1975 to 1976 on CBS.

“It’s a little know fact that, after 9/11, I made a trip to the Butner Federal Correctional Complex and had a face to face with that Omar Abdel Rahman, the guy that masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, “said Biden. “I walked in and said ‘Hey Cleric, look me in the eye and tell me you want to kill me just because I’m Protestant’. Well, he couldn’t look me in the eye, the pussy.”

Later in his show Biden produced a Ventriloquist puppet ‘Hillary’ and in a twist, the dummy made Biden speak.

“Hey Joe,” said Hillary at a high point in the show. “Since you can’t call a spade a spade anymore because it isn’t PC, what do you grab from the backyard tool shed?”

“A democrat?” answered Biden.

The “An Evening with Joe” show opens for the Three Redneck Tenors at the Moon River Theatre at 2500 W 76 Country Blvd for the next three weeks.


Thursday, August 21, 2014

Right Now

Helicopter blades
Beat the air as it moved overhead
East to west and
Interrupted the silence
Before the sun came up and illuminated the ugliness around me
That street light moon light star light had soften
As I smoked and contemplated what goes on in your head
watching Venus
Raising in the eastern sky

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

White House Spokesman Announces Progress

WASHINGTON (AIP) – White House spokesman Eric Schultz, in his weekly press briefing on Wednesday assured the American people that the President has the situation “well in hand” and was nearing his goal of fulfilling the promise he made to the nation during his first State of the Union Address nearly six years ago.

“I am pleased to announce that the President is very near completing the promise he made,” said Schultz. “The President shot a 73 yesterday and should qualify as a scratch golfer by the end of his second term.

“His short game has come a long way and he has damn near perfected his draw. Frankly his sand saves have really improved and he’s putting the eyes out of it.”

Reporters later questioned Schultz about the situation in the Ukraine, the threat of the Middle Eastern Caliphate to long term US interests, the stagnate economy and China’s emergence as an Asian power.

“Did you people fucking hear me?” said Schultz. “He’s damn near a scratch golfer. He drilled a 37 foot winding putt yesterday and knocked it stiff from 240 yards on the 8th.”


Thursday, August 14, 2014

Sterling Buys New Team

LOS ANGELES (AIP) – Donald Sterling, forced to sell the Los Angeles Clippers basketball team by the National Basketball Association (NBA), announced today that he had inked a deal with Herschend Family Entertainment to purchase the Harlem Globetrotters and its sister exhibition squad the Washington Generals.

“Basketball is in my blood,” said Sterling. “Those people in the NBA can force me out, but I’m staying in the game.”

Mark Shapiro, spokesman for Sterling, said that the new owner plans to keep alive the tradition of the Globetrotters, but make a few changes to bring the concept into the 21st century.

“Well, we plan to move the team to Edgefield, South Carolina, to honor the memory of Senator Strom Thrumond, “said Shapiro. “And we’re going to alter the name to the Edgefield Globetrotters. And, of course, we plan to make the all white Generals the perennial victors over the African-American ‘Trotters, in order to follow Mr. Sterling’s business model.”

Famous Globetrotter alumni Meadowlark Lemon refused comment on the deal; however alumni teammate Fred “Curly” Neal did briefly go on the record.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” said Neal.


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Texas Stages Another Botched Execution

BROWNSVILLE, TX (AIP) – Notorious sexual predator and convicted killer Charlie Brown was put to death Wednesday night by lethal injection in what witnesses and prison officials was another example of a botched execution because of a problem with the chemical cocktail used to carry out the death sentence.

“He took over 45 minutes to die,” said prison Warden Bobby Bill McLean. “He spent three quarters of an hour strapped to the table screaming ‘good grief, good grief” over and over before finally succumbing. Frankly, we had hoped that it would take longer.”

Brown, who gained fame as a young cartoon character by displaying his unfocused angst coupled with a disturbing lack of motor skills and athletic ability, was convicted in the 1987 slaying of the Little Red-Haired Girl.

District Attorney Michael Brumfield, who prosecuted Brown for the murder, was a witness at the execution.

“Considering what he did to that little girl, I could have watched him writhe on that table for another couple hours,” said Brumfield. “He’s one sick son of a bitch and deserved everything he got.”

In Brown’s 1989 trial, Brumfield alleged that Brown lured the Little Red-Haired Girl from the school playground by asking her to help him find his lost puppy. He then abducted her, spent four days sexually assaulting her and finally killed her by beating her to death with a football kickoff tee. He then dumped her body in nearby Bloom County.

“I was appalled that he said that I was lost and used me to lure that little girl,” said Snoopy, Brown’s former pet beagle. “On the day in question I had smoked a bowl and was laying on top of my dog house digging the clouds and listening to Bob Marley. I was far from lost.

“Brown was one sick fuck. I just wish the execution had taken a lot longer than it did.”

Brown’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Brown also witnessed the execution and held a short press conference at its conclusion.

“Wawa wawa wawa Wa,” said Mrs. Brown to reporter, wiping tears from her eyes.

Warden Mclean said rumors that witnesses to the execution were calling for pop corn and sodas during the 45-minute ordeal were inaccurate.

“Didn’t happen,” said Mclean.

Death penalty opponents who normally stage protests and sit-ins during Texas executions were strangely absent during the proceedings.


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

ABC Announces New Fall Lineup

NEW YORK (AIP) – ABC announced its new fall lineup for prime time television on Thursday, including some old favorites and the long await raucous new situational comedy Oops, They Know starring David Spade, Jack Gleeson and Alison Brie based on the novel Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank.

“It’s funny as hell,” said ABC vice president Martin Van Shine. “It’s kind of a cross between Friends and Seinfeld. There’s a lot of hilarious banter between the actors coupled with the constant existential threat of discovery by the Gestapo which makes the show edgy and fun.”

The series is set in the hidden attic apartment over a factory where the Franks, along with the van Daans hide out from detection by the Nazis. Brie plays young Anne Frank, with Spade as Otto Frank and Gleeson as Anne’s love interest Peter van Daan.

“The first time I read the book I thought it would make a very funny comedy,” said writer/producer Max Vaughn. “I’ve attempted to fill it with plenty of ribald humor and zany situations. It’s a lot like an updated Gilligan's Island; a group of people trapped someplace getting into all kinds of funny situations. Of course, nobody was trying to destroy Gilligan and the others, except in the one episode with the headhunters."

“We’re constantly laughing on the set,” said Brie, who’s simmering sexuality and wacky, profane comeback lines make the show shine. “It’s a little adult and over the edge, but we’ve tried to keep it basically true to the original story.”

A rumor has circulated through industry channels that Vaughn has talked Vice President Joe Biden into a guest appearance in the show’s first episode as SS-Oberfuhrer Gustavo Minax, whose makes several bumbling attempts to find the secret passage to the Frank’s hidden rooms.

“You wouldn’t want me to ruin the surprise, would you?” said Vaughn. “You’ll just have to watch the show to find out.”

Oops, They Know airs Tuesdays at 9:00 p.m. on ABC.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Lawrence Scores Opening Round Victory

SAN FERNANDO, CA (AIP) – In what surely must be the least surprising result of an athletic contest in recent memory black belt Johnny Lawrence handed Daniel LaRusso his ass in the first round of the All Valley Karate Championships Saturday, knocking LaRusso out within 27 seconds and causing injuries that sent the unconscious LaRusso to the hospital.

“It was a fucking thing of beauty,” said Cobra Kai Dojo Sensi John Kreese, whose vicious karate style has become popular among local gangs. “Even before I told Johnny to sweep LaRusso’s legs he was doing it. From what I’ve been told by medical personnel he’ll probably never walk straight again.”

LaRusso, who had spent the previous three month in servile apprenticeship to apartment handyman Kesuke Miyagi in order to learn his style of karate never had a chance in the fight.

“LaRusso was pretty much fucked from the get go,” said Kreese. “He came out and stood on one leg with his arms out, absolutely opening himself up to an attack and Johnny simply destroyed him.”

Miyagi’s controversial karate style and perchance for young boys has come under pretty harsh scrutiny from tournament officials.

“We’ve checked and the county has no business license for a ‘Miyagi Dojo’”, said Frank Forrester, Tournament director. “Furthermore, apparently this Miyagi fellow is under federal indictment for violation of the the Stolen Valor Act. We’re also showing arrests from Florida for lewd and lascivious molestations. Aside from all that he damn near got the LaRusso boy killed.”

“Danielson not too bright,” said Miyagi. “I had idiot boy painting my fence, washing my cars and sanding my floors. When I told him ‘show me suck my cock’ he simply complied, assuming that it was some mystical form of karate training.

“One Saturday I took him to the beach and made him stand on a piling out in the water and jump up and down. It was the funniest damn thing to watch. He looked like a fool. I saw his injuries. That boy will probably never walk straight again.”

LaRusso’s mother Lucille said that Daniel is withdrawing from Valley High School and plans to finish his education at the Reseda Technical/Vocational College, studying hairstyling.