Monday, March 30, 2015

President Signs Executive Global Warming Order

WASHINGTON (AIP) – President Barack Obama, citing new scientific findings on manmade global warming, today signed an executive order that greatly curtails the wearing of high heels by women in the United States and its territories.

“Women in heels are very hot,” said Obama at a press conference in the Oval Office. “The number of women who are really hot in heels are greatly increased in the last 30 years, driving the overall global temperature up dramatically. I have taken executive actions to push back against this threat to our planet. Simply put, no more Prada.”

Industry leaders Prada, Karo’s, Coach and Pleasers are taking a firm stand.

“The President’s unilateral action without a vote by congress is appalling,” said industry spokesman Martin Van Kyle. “Of course women look hot in high heels, but that doesn’t mean they’re destroying the atmosphere. Good lord, they’re just shoes.”

Members of the adult pornography industry were equally outraged.

“What am I supposed to have my actresses wear? Sketchers?”, said adult film director Morey Blankenship. “This move will destroy our art.”

The new executive action also severely limits the use of cleavage and pear-shaped asses.

“These things are destroying our world, melting the arctic ice and causing the oceans to rise worldwide,” said Obama. “Our society has far too many hot breasts and asses.”


Friday, March 27, 2015

Accused Killers Set Free

KEY WEST, FL (AIP) – Defense attorneys Ryan Mingor and Mason Wayne, representing co-defendants Deontae Morris and Jovantae Norris in the murder of homeless man Grady Michaels, won a key legal battle Thursday when Circuit Judge Kyle Richards-Epstein granted their motion to dismiss after hearing argument that the victim was a ‘nobody’.

“The victim in this case was a fucking drunk, homeless loser,” Mingor told reporters as he escorted his client Deontae Morris from the Monroe County Jail. “You can’t, by definition, kill a nobody. Deontae deserves his freedom.”

Judge Richards-Epstein was impressed by the defense theory of the case.

“Mingor and Wayne had no case law on point,” said Richards-Epstein. “Their argument was illogical and I believe they misrepresented the facts on a number of points, but it all boils down to the reality that the victim in this case was a homeless nobody. If you kill nobody, then nobody’s been killed.”

Assistant State Attorney Clyde Barrow took the loss in good humor.

“Shit, Mingor and Wayne played me like the Globetrotters play the Washington Senators,” said Barrow.

“We caught Barrow flat-footed from the get go,” said Wayne. “He’s pretty clueless and I distracted him with some candy. He loves jelly beans.”

Barrow said that he doesn’t plan to appeal the judge’s ruling.

“I’m leaving the office in two weeks to go into private practice,” said Barrow. “And when you get right down to it, the victim was a nobody.”

In answer to critics who said that Mingor and Wayne’s characterization of the victim as a ‘nobody’ was heartless, Mingor was unrepentant.

“You want hearts? Buy a fucking deck of cards,” said Mingor.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

New Internet Rules Announced

WASHINGTON (AIP) – New United States Federal Internet Czar Johnston Franklin, in his first act as chief executive of the nation’s internet protocol, has decreed that going forward his office will install a filter that will disallow the online uploading and posting of cute videos or photos of children or animals.

“Frankly I’m tired of opening my email to find links to puppies doing cute shit or kids doing funny things,” said Franklin. “Yes, okay, it’s a kitten thinking that your shoelace is a menace and rolling over playing with it. Aren’t well all adults here? Shouldn’t our time be spent more wisely
“Well we are, and I’m going to see that we do.”

A national PEW pool found that most Americans are ambivalent about the new controls.

The poll showed that a stunning 68 percent of Americans ‘really don’t give a fuck’ if they ever see a warm and fuzzy two minute clip of a grown dog muzzling a small kitten. Twenty two percent of respondents are ‘goddamn tired of that shit wasting their time’ and 9 percent don’t actually understand the question.

Only one percent of American’s aren’t happy with the new filter.

“But it’s so precious,” said Katharine Millhouse. “I could spend hours watching cute toddlers falling face first into pie.”

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

New EPA Regulations Anger Activitists

WASHINGTON (AIP) – Beginning July 1, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has decreed that any psychopath, serial killer, bath salts addict or edgy drifter who murders a prostitute must dispose of the corpse in an EPA approved, environmentally friendly garbage bag and dumped only in EPA approved trash dumpsters.

“According to new scientific data the random disposal of murdered prostitutes in fields, alleys, gullies, unapproved dumpsters, drug houses and sewers is a major contributor to the increase in man-made climate change,” said EPA spokesman Clemet Morrison. “These new dumping regulations should go a long way toward ameliorating that problem.”

Climate change deniers and civil liberties activists are up in arms about the new regulations.

“It is bullshit to think that the dead prostitutes I’ve dumped in the desert have changed the earth’s climate one iota,” said Las Vegas area serial killer Martin Clayton Thomas, who has specialized in the murder and dumping of prostitutes since the early 90’s. “Just one more example of the nanny state trying to run my life.”

Activists vow a court battle over the new regulations.

“This government intrusion into what has previously been a self-regulating industry is going to have a chilling effect on the production of prostitute corpses,” said civil liberties attorney Luke Coverdale. “These new, extremely expensive costs of corpse disposal are going to make body dumping financially prohibitive for the local producer.”

Former Vice President Al Gore said that he's tired of climate change deniers.

“Anyone who denies that random dumping of prostitute corpses does not directly add to man-made climate change is ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence and should be severely punished,” said Gore. “This is the earth we’re talking about. Producers should be compelled to properly dispose of prostitute corpses in an eco-friendly fashion.”

Monday, March 23, 2015

Local Man Granted Reprieve

AIKEN, SC (AIP) Local resident Carl Sneadaker, married to wife Mille for 37 years, was moments away from death due to CardioPulmonary Disease when he was granted another 12.75 years of life by the Mighty God, Lord of the Universe, Friday to make up for time he has previously lost waiting for Millie to ‘touch up’ her makeup, ‘freshen up a bit’ and ‘put on a new outfit’ over the course of their marriage.

“Management thought that the poor bastard deserved to recoup all that time he has previously pissed away, through no fault of his own, waiting for Millie to get ready to do something,” said God’s spokesman Melvin Gist. “The guy has the patience of a saint.”

Accountants in the Heavenly Father’s Bureau of Time Measurement had previously kept a running tally of time Sneadaker had cooled his heels while waiting for his lovely wife to ‘put on her face’ or decided what outfit to wear to the Golden Corral for the dinner buffet or over to the Maxwell’s for a night of canasta.

“I won’t lie, it’s been a struggle,” said Sneadaker. “But with this extra time I’m really feeling great. First thing tomorrow I’m divorcing the bitch. It’s a whole new world for me.”

Millie was unable to respond to reporters because she was in the powder room.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Blogger Avoids Commitment

LARGO, FL (AIP)- Andy Rawl, senior editor and chief writer of this blog, is taking a week off after a local judge gave him the option of 'backing away' from the keyboard or going to jail 'till you learn to enjoy sodomy'.

"I'll take option one," said Rawl, sweating like a marathoner at the podium. "I guess I need some time off."

The judge then asked Rawl if he understood her order was 'for his own good'.

Rawl, clearly visible to this reporter, choked back his first response and finally answered.

"Yes Judge".

Rawl's supervisor,  Wendy Oughtman, was disappointed in Rawl's standing at the hearing.

"At least he could have tightened his tie and stood upright like a the homo sapien during his sentencing" said Oughtman. "His tie isn't knotted and he's fucking burping repeatedly."

Rawl spoke with reporters after leaving court.

"Fuck me, anybody got a beer?", asked Rawl, who kindly accepted a coldie from this correspondent.  "Nobody's gonna hear dick from me for a week."

Rawl sped off with a short-haired blonde in 8 inch heels moments later, flipping off reporters and bystanders off while Def Leopard's Pour Some Sugar On Me  played out of the car's open windows.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Clinton Struck Dead

UNITED NATIONS (AIP) – Former First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was struck dead by a lightning bolt out of the clear blue sky on Tuesday as she walked down the steps from the United Nations Building moments after giving a press conference about use of personal email for government business.

“She danced like a poorly handled marionette for about 15 seconds and then crumpled in a heap near the sewer grate,” said bystander Melvin Marquette. “The lightning struck the top of her head and she screamed once, did that awful dance and was down.”

Calls to the Office of God Almighty were not returned but a highly ranking anonymous officer in the Department of the Celestial spoke to reporters on the condition he not be identified and filled in some of the blanks.

“Upper management had pretty much had it with her, and upper management is very patient,” said the officer. “Her hubris filled, continual disassembling of reality coupled with her seemingly genetic inability to just tell the truth was too much; ergo dead, lying bitch.

“Frankly, my office hasn’t seen The Big Lie used so often and with such arrogant ease since Joe Goebbels was writing op-ed pieces for the Berlin newspaper Der Angriff.”

The official said that similar future actions might be in the offing.

“Guys like MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, Eric Holder and Brian Williams might do well to pay very close attention to this incident,” he said.

Clinton's final book, a history of her public service entitled There Isn't A Specific Statute goes on sale Friday.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

NOW Announces Boycott Of Blog

WASHINGTON (AIP) – The National Organization of Women (NOW) has announced that they are leading a boycott against the Randy Hall Rants blog because of it sees as a denigrating posting on March 9 which made it appear as though female victims of domestic violence somehow deserve that abuse.

“We were all appalled by the blatant misogyny in reporter Andy Rawl’s posting,” said NOW spokeswomen Helen Short. “The disgusting display of objectification, discrimination and elitist male rhetoric was just another example of male disambiguation that women have too long suffered.”

Rawl, contacted at the OZ Gentlemen’s club where he was sipping a beer, seemed taken aback when ask for his comments about the boycott.

“First of all, I don’t really know what most of her words mean,” said Rawl. “The blog only has three readers and to my knowledge, none of them belong to NOW. I stand by the story. The facts are more or less accurate.

“You know, people need to stop taking themselves so seriously. It’s a shame that a folks self image is so fragile that a little humor undoes them so completely. I mean, it’s not like I poked fun at Mohammed or anything, and I believe I only used the quote ‘cunt’ one time in the whole fucking story.”

Short is calling for the Randy Hall blog to fire Rawl.

“The guy is vulgar and mean-spirited,” said Short. “He shouldn’t be writing for that blog. He should be writing anywhere. Hell, he should even be writing checks as far as we’re concerned.”

Monday, March 9, 2015

Local Woman Victimized Again

JOHNSON CITY, TN (AIP) – Local woman Joanne Rideout once again became the victim of domestic violence at the at the hands of her husband Vic Friday evening when he was forced yet again to teach her a lesson in respect by slapping her twice in the yard in front of the neighbors.

“It was an unfortunate incident,” said Washington County Sheriff’s Deputy Normal Bloom. “It could have been avoided if the stupid bitch had just prepared dinner and had it on the table like she’s been told to do.”

According to witnesses, it was another Friday evening when the lazy cunt spent too much time watching The View and failed to put the pot roast in the oven in a timely fashion.

“He’s told me and told me,” said Rideout, nursing on beauty of a shiner, like she has so many times before. “You’d think I’d eventually learn my god damn lesson, but I don’t.”

It’s the seventh time this year that police have been called to the Rideout residence to mediate a domestic dispute.

“We’re getting a little tired coming out here because Joanne can’t follow simple directions,” said Deputy Bloom. “From now on we’re going to have central dispatch call the idiot on Fridays at 3:00 p.m. to remind her to get off her ass and start cooking because she doesn’t seem to remember what will happen to her is she doesn’t.”

"It gets old, kicking the shit out of her but it has to be done," said Vic, who was comforted by neighbors after the incident and transported to the hospital to make sure the slight bruises on the palms of his hands didn't require medical attention. "At least she was bright enough to make sure there was beer in the fridge."


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Bolden Optimistic Despite Evidence

BOSIE, IH (AIP) – Kyle Bolden shocked a normally jaded group of reporters Thursday, declaring that he had a feeling the something good was about to happen to him.

“I can’t explain it,” said Bolden with a rare smile. “I just feel like something good is going to happen today and it’s going to involve me.”

Bolden, whose life experience has been a cycle of sadness, frustration, disappointment and misfortune, seems to have learned nothing from his vast and painful personal diappointments which are breathtaking in their breadth and scope.

“All that is true, and I don’t know what to tell you,” said Bolden. “I just have this feeling that I can’t explain.”

When reporters pointed out that from a historical perspective Bolden’s optimism has no basis in fact, he merely shrugged.

Reporters gleefully reminded Bolden that he never once made a sports team at any school he ever attended despite repeated attempts. He never had a girlfriend who hadn’t cheated on him. He had the same car stolen three times in one week and then there was that period of his life when he was mistakenly accused of murder and held in custody without bond for two years until the real killer confessed. He was repeatedly anally raped by fellow inmates during that time.

Bolden remained unruffled, even buoyant.

“It’s kind of sucked,” said Bolden. “But I just feel like the sucking stops today. I just know something good is going to happen to me.”

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Dew Report Sheds Light On Relationships

PITTSBURGH (AIP) – Researchers at the Dew Institute of Social Thought have bad news for many American males: if your girlfriend or wife’s name is Mary, Patricia, Linda or Barbara there’s an 83 percent chance that she’s fucking around on you.

“The numbers are stunning,” said Dew researcher Clive Banister. “It turns out that women with those four names are pretty much unfaithful tramps who are banging someone else behind your back. Sixty nine percent of the time that is going to be a buddy you golf, bowl or play poker with.”

Banister said that the numbers can’t be argued with.

It's science," said Banister. "And unlike your old lady, the numbers don't lie."

“It’s a sure thing that Mary, Patricia – and that includes ‘Pat’- Linda and Barbara are in bed with a close friend of yours while you read this article,” continued Banister. “And she's probably wearing heels and that thing you purchased for her at Victoria’s Secret that she vowed she would never wear because it made her feel slutty.

“We’re not sure if the name causes the skank-like behavior, or the women just happened to have been suitably named at birth. Frankly we don’t know if the dog is wagging the tail or the tail is wagging the dog but either way Mary or Patricia or Barbara or Linda is getting wagged behind your back.”

More disturbingly, there’s a 96 percent chance that girlfriends or wives named McKenzie are having intercourse with that homeless guy who drinks in the park and hits you up for ‘an extra cigarette’ when you walk the dog.

“That explains the empty malt liquor cans, twigs and leaves in the sheets and the big green dumpster smell that greets me when I enter the bedroom after I come home from work” said Calvin McIntyre, a high school science teacher. “I thought I was just jumping to conclusions about McKenzie.”