Wednesday, December 31, 2014

UCLA Professor Releases Internet Book

LOS ANGELES (AIP) – In his stunning new book ‘How The Web Was Made’, University of California computer science Professor Leonard Kleintop, one of the men on the scene, gives readers the interesting and little known history of the early days of what has become the internet, and how it changed the world forever.

“Several of us computer science guys from UCLA and Stanford got together in the early 1960s and tried to figure out a way we could swiftly and easily exchange pornography and information on both getting a larger penis and meeting hot local women,” said Kleintop, in an interview at a Barnes and Nobles book signing on Thursday. “I was able to send the first message over what was then known as ARPANET from our lab to Stanford. It was a picture of a topless coed.”

Stanford computer science Professor Max Hastings received that first message at Sanford’s Research Institute.

“That bitch was hot,” said Hastings. “But I knew in order to impress her I had to have information on how to achieve a larger, longer-lasting erection. Professor Kleintop was able to message me that information over the ARPANET. I now have a cock the size of an anaconda thanks to the breakthrough.”

That breakthrough was just the beginning of the World Wide Web we use today.

“It wasn’t long after that that we scientists, utilizing government research grants, found a way to stream pornographic video between the nodes,” said Hastings. “We had to overcome several technical problems but were finally able stream child pornography in August of 1968.”

Former Vice President Al Gore, who Kleintop said had ‘absolutely nothing’ to do with the development of the internet, wrote the forward to the book.

“You can find local hot girls for dating, see dirty pictures and movies, gamble, view Middle East beheadings, play games, post your inane and boring thoughts, threaten others, find conspiracy theories, I mean anything you want,” writes Gore. “I can pick out a hooker from a large list on a website from my home in Tennessee, fly halfway around the world in my private jet and have that bitch waiting in my hotel room at the Global Climate Change Conference in Christchurch, New Zeland.

"The web is pretty whiz-bang.”

Friday, December 26, 2014

North Korea Launches Second Hack Attack

MIDLAND, TX (AIP) – Officials at Plano Middle School on West Story Avenue have announced that a computer hacking attack that can be traced back to North Korean People’s Army occurred at the school over the weekend, with hackers publishing the grade point average of every child at the school on YouTube.

“We had previously received a communication from the North Korean Foreign Office warning us that if the school allowed the 8th grade production of ‘Othello’ to be performed next Friday there would be consequences,” said Principal Martin Douglas. “They’ve hacked our computers and embarrassed some of our students very badly.”

Unknown in most of the West, internal propaganda in North Korea has led the people of that county to believe that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un is the person that William Shakespeare based the character Othello on. In fact, the people of North Korea believe that every popular character in Shakespeare’s plays is based on the life and antics Kim Jong-un.

“Apparently the government of North Korea felt that an amateur production of Othello would bring shame on their leader,” said Douglas.

The North Korean embassy in Beijing released a warning two weeks ago, stating that that if Plano Jr. High’s production went forward, North Korea would consider the production ‘an act of war’.

“Jeez, it’s kids doing a play,” said Douglas. “We thought the People's Army was joking.”

Douglas and other school officials had apparently not been informed of the 2012 incident when two North Korean Su-7BMK ground attack aircraft bombed California's Jerry Brown High School in retaliation for a student production of ‘Two Gentlemen of Verona’.

Douglas said that the play is on hold at the moment.

“We’re putting the play off until we can find the money in the budget to have a surplus anti-aircraft missile battery installed next to the swings on the playground,” said Douglas. “Then it’s lights, camera, action.”

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Old Rhyme Has A Ring of Truth

ALBANY, NY (AIP) – Virtually every child in American grew up repeating the rhyme ‘If the name ends in Tae, you stay away’ along with ‘Ring Around the Rosy’ and ‘Three Blind Mice’. Unlike the others It now seems as though the Tae rhyme has some truth to it.

“Ten years of statistics prove conclusively that over 87 percent of the violent crimes committed in the United States are committed by someone named either Diontae or Jovantae,” said William Miller, head of the National Crime Research Office in Albany. “More than three quarters of all murders, sexual assaults, armed robberies and carjackings are committed by a Tae.

"The statistics indicate that men whose name ends in Tae are excessively violent and sociopathic."

The numbers are so alarming that civil rights leader Rev. Jessie Jackson has created a Public Service Announcement that the major television networks are running urging women giving birth to carefully consider the name they give their new child.

“If you tag the end of your child’s name with Tae, there’s every chance that he will spend the majority of his life housed in a prison,” says Jackson in the ad. “Don’t destroy your son’s life before it’s even begun.”

Retired corrections officer James Van Winkle doesn’t need the Crime Research Office report to recognize the devastating effect Tae has on a young man’s life.

“That’s why we give them numbers when they come into the Department of Corrections,” said Van Winkle, a 35 year veteran in the corrections field. “Every other one was either a fucking Diontae or Jovantae. It was too hard to keep them straight if we called them by name.”

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Obama Propounds Another Executive Action

WASHINGTON (AIP) – President Barack Obama, following up on his recent executive orders on immigration and normalization of relations with the Nation of Cuba, stunned reporters Thursday by announcing that he has ordered the word ‘white’ to be replaced with ‘peckerwood’ in all Federal documents and ‘white’ to be expunged from the English language.

“The American people wanted me to take bold action, with or without congress,” said Obama in a press conference from the Rose Garden. “The vast majority of Americans hate and are ashamed by the word ‘white’. From now on, what used to be called ‘white’ will be called ‘peckerwood’.”

Crayola Crayon, Maytag and Nestle were just a few of the companies that began scrambling late Thursday to comply with the new Federal rule and rename their products.

“We’re recalling about 7 million boxes of crayons to re-label the crayon in question as the color peckerwood,” said Crayola spokesman Milton Gumbo. “We’ve been told that if we don’t we’d be in violation and have to pay taxes up to 48 percent of our corporate earnings. We’re happy to comply.”

Republic Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) said that his party’s leadership is highly miffed at the President’s unilateral action.

“We’re highly miffed,” said Boehner. “We might think about possibly doing something eventually to correct this overstep by the President.”

Obama said that he has assurances from England and most other English speaking countries to make the same change and remove ‘white’ from the English lexicon.

“’White’ is finished as a valid English word,” said Obama. "From now on it's 'peckerwood'".

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Rolling Stones Richards Suing The Government

WASHINGTON (AIP) – Attorney’s for Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards today filed suit in Washington claiming that the United States Mint has stolen his image and used that likeness on the face of every $20 bill produced since 1928, just after the Stones had toured the US in support of their first album “Model T Monkey Man”.
“Mr. Richards was in the States, touring in support of the band’s first album and a newspaper man, working for Hearst, did a line drawing to accompany his review of the concert in Philadelphia,” said Richard’s attorney Sid Luckman.  “Everyone in the country has seen that drawing because the Mint co-opted  the image and slapped it on the $20.”
Richard’s suit asks for royalties for every $20 bill ever minted, at 9 cents for per bill or roughly $14,940,000 in damages.
“And we don’t want it in $20’s,” said Luckman.

Rumor has it that Nancy Pelosi (D-California) will be making the same legal argument in regards to her paralell suit concerning the $5 bill.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Christmas Confession

Okay… okay. I’ll tell you what you want to know. What you already know.

I guess I just couldn’t stand it anymore…

It wasn’t December 23 like the papers said, it was earlier than that. Maybe the 15th or 16th. I’m not really sure. I had been drinking pretty heavily so things- dates and time – are hazy at best, but it was before the 23rd.

He was sitting in the living room. Just sitting, like usual. He never talked, never acknowledged me. He would just sit for hours sometimes. Watching. Listening. And I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was fed up with it.

I came from behind him and I hit him. I hit him with the roofing hammer I’d used the past summer to replace the shingles over the family room that the storm had blown off. I hit him hard in the back of the head. He fell forward and there was blood, but no sound other than when I hit him. Like a watermelon falling from the kitchen counter and hitting the floor. That thump.

I duct taped his mouth and eyes. He was still breathing. He wasn’t that heavy. I carried him to my car and put him in the trunk.

I drove around for awhile. Finally to the beach. Johns Pass. It was late, after 3. There wasn’t any traffic.

I stopped at the top of the bridge, pulled him out of the trunk. He was still alive I think. I threw him over the side.

Do I feel bad? No. I feel relieved. All the way home that night I remember thinking that he got what he deserved. He was a snitch. “Elf on the Shelf’ will never trouble me again. To this day I think I did the right thing. I’d do it again.”

- Excerpt from video confession. State of Florida v. Randy Hall CRC13-20916CFANO, CT 1: MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE; CT 2: UNLAWFUL DUMPING OF PLUSH TOY.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Appeals Court Upholds Lower Court Finding

DENVER (AIP) – The 10th Circuit Federal Appeals Court today upheld the lower court's of $187 million to the plaintiff's in the class action lawsuit in which the Cartoon Actors Guild (CAG) claimed that the Acme Corporation, based in Las Vegas, had engaged in ‘dangerous and lax product development’that had caused the death and injury of over 70 Guild members.

““This is a major victory for my clients,” said attorney Stu York, lead attorney for CAG. “The Acme Corporation produced some horrible implements which they knew or should have known were inherently dangerous and would eventually maim or kill cartoon characters. Those people had no quality control.”

York cited the horrific death of actor Wile E. Coyote on the set of the film Going! Going! Gosh! on August 23, 1952.

“The script called for fellow actor Road Runner to drop an Acme anvil on my client’s head,” said York. “It was supposed to be a prop anvil, but Acme had inadvertently provided a real 160 lb. anvil. Needless to say my client's skull was crushed. That’s just one example of Acme’s bad faith and lax product control.

“Then there’s the incident in Duck Dodgers in the 241/2th Century when Marvin the Martin used what he thought was a prop Acme Disintegrating Pistol, but which turned out to be the real thing and actually disintegrated Daffy Duck. Mr. Duck’s family was devastated.”

Unlike many other cases, the money the plaintiffs receive from Acme may well make things better.

"This is about the money," said York. "My clients plan to hire some highly talented artists who may possibly be able to redraw their lost loved ones. Reanimate them, if you will."

Attorneys for the Acme Corporation said they will appeal the ruling.


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

CDC Confirms First Outbreak Of Ebola In US

ATLANTA (AIP) – Dr. Geoffrey Spellman, spokesman for the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today confirmed that there are, in fact, 72 confirmed cases of Ebola among residents of the small town of Soddy-Daisy,a small town near Chattanooga, Tennessee.

“The tests have come back positive,” said Spellman. “There are 72 citizens of Soddy-Daisy out of an entire population of only 12,000 who have the disease. We are taking all possible steps to contain this outbreak.”

At first responders from the CDC were mystified as how it was that a rural town like Soddy-Daisy could suddenly be home to the first major North American outbreak of the disease. Soon, however, they found the answer.

“All of the victims received an email from a supposed recently deposed Nigerian prince offering to split his vast wealth with the individuals if they agreed to allow the prince to deposit his entire fortune into their bank accounts as soon as they forwarded, via Western Union, a small transfer fee,” said Spellman. “The 72 infected folks actually opened those emails and were immediately infected with the virus.”

The CDC has long issued warnings about not opening emails from Nigeria, Sierra Leone or any other West African nation.

“Ebola doesn’t kill,” said Spellman. “Stupidity and greed kill. If you’re a Caucasian American from the Deep South who’s never been more than 15 miles from your birthplace, don’t expect to be picked to receive a fortune from someone you’ve never known. That’s just having shit for brains.”

Monday, December 8, 2014

New Paper Refutes Previous Beliefs

CAMBRIDGE, MA (AIP) – Naturalist and researcher Dr. Michael Bovine, head of the School of Lavatory Science at Harvard University, has published a scientific paper in Biological Review that claims his research has shown that the natural position of the toilet seat is ‘up’, putting to rest that age-old question.

“Our team has studied thousands of naturally occurring toilets in the Amazon basin and has found that, in nature, the toilet seat itself is always in the upright position until moved by man,” said Bovine. “It has become a powerful but erroneous myth in western culture that the seat should be in the down position. We’ve proved that conclusively.

"It's settled science. Anyone who disagrees is just pretty much a Luddite."

Women For Fair Treatment (WFFT) President Gladys McMahon vehemently disagreed with the paper’s findings.

“That is bullshit,” said McMahon. “You ever sat down on a cold porcelain bowl in the middle of the night? Ever gone straight into the fucking water? I have. God didn’t mean it to be this way.”

The Very Reverend James Howard, head of the Washington National Cathedral, was inclined to disagree with McMahon.

“The Bible makes no specific reference to the natural position of the toilet seat,” said Howard. “There are some vague references to bowel movements in the second book of James, but nothing that would allow an expert to extrapolate that the seat’s natural and God-ordered position is down. That leaves plenty of room for Dr. Bovine’s hypothesis to be correct.”

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Fundraiser To Be Held For Boy Stricken By Blindness

SANDUSKY, OH (AIP) – The local chapter of the Shriners International will be holding a fundraiser for 12-year old Mickey Johnson who went blind as a result of incessant masturbation, although his mother had repeatedly warned him might happen, this Saturday at the Jackson Street Pier.

“He wouldn’t listen,” said mother Tara Johnson at a press conference announcing the fundraiser. “We couldn’t leave him alone in a room with one of those Housewives shows on the TV without returning to find him jerking off like one of those monkeys in the Chimp House at the Zoo. I told him that if he didn’t stop he’d go blind but he wouldn’t listen.”

Johnson had been repeatedly warned by his mother that overwhelming scientific and anecdotal evidence has shown a clear link between jerking off and complete blindness. In spite of the evidence, he merely increased the frequency of his self-eroticism, pushing the limits of endurance.

“It’s settled science,” his mother told reporters. "I knew it wouldn't end happily.

"“When the other kids would be outside riding bikes or playing basketball Mickey would be in his room, watching the 3rd season of Bay Watch on Blue Ray and hammering Hal.”

Young Johnson, who formerly played short stop on his little league team and enjoyed camping and riding his bike, seemed unrepentant at the visitation of divine retribution for his sins of commission.

“Frankly I enjoyed running a batch,” said Johnson. "I really enjoyed making little elvis vomit."

Saturday’s fundraiser will include games for the children, numerous food vendors and an educational workshop about the dangers of pulling the pud.

“We want to get the message out that running a batch of knuckle kids has consequences,” said fundraising organizer Julian DelCato. “Unfortunately most young men don’t realize that blindness is a direct result of excessive burping the worm. Sure, it’s fun while you do it, but there’s a price to pay.”

Guess speaker at the fundraiser will be Ray Charles, national spokesman for the Don’t Snap One Off Foundation. For more information or tickets visit the group’s website at www.ifyoudon’

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Obama Announces Latest Executive Action

FERGUSON, MO (AIP) – Saying that he was tired of the ‘honky bullshit’ President Barack Obama today flew to Ferguson and announced that the White House will offer a $100,000 bounty for the capture of former Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson ‘dead or alive’.

“If I had a son he would have looked like Trayvon and if I had a second son he would have looked like Michael Brown,” said Obama to a gathering of reporters outside of a recently burned down grocery store in Ferguson. “I can’t wait for these white devils to kill off my entire imaginary family before taking action.

“The American people are tired of congress not passing legislation that allow black folks to ignore any law that they don’t like. I’ve got a pen and a phone and a Glock and I’m going to use them.”

The Reverend Al Sharpton was ecstatic about the president’s latest edict.

“We’re going to show white American just how angry we are about… things,” said Sharpton. “The example of Gandhi showed just how effective non-violent looting and arson can be for a people seeking freedom.

The White House website – – announced that the $100,000 bounty would be paid when Wilson’s body is produced at the gate of the White House. No questions will be asked. Officials will accept Wilson’s head in lieu of the entire body.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Buccaneers File Suit Against Health Care Company

TAMPA (AIP) – The National Football League’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers have filed a civil law suit against Ammogenesis Health Group, alleging that the team has paid the company upwards of $120,000 to provide its players with performance enhancing drugs that the team claims were ‘substandard’.

“We’ve paid Ammogenesis a lot of money to provide our players with top-shelf HGH, Beta-2 Agonists, dimethylamphentamine and Ritalin, among other things,” said team spokesman Marc Thibadoux. “That’s a lot of money to be 2 and 10. Clearly our guys aren’t getting the same quality of drugs that the Eagles or Cardinals are taking.”

“That’s bullshit,” countered Link Christianson, President of Ammogenesis. “The thing is, you’ve got to have a modicum of talent for these drugs to be effective. The Bucs just don’t. I could pump every player on that team full of pure cocaine and they still couldn’t beat Oakland.”

Longtime fans agree.

“The only way our team wins more than two games is if the visiting team happens to fly Malaysian Airlines,” said fan club president Marvin Isabella. “All the drugs in the world aren’t gonna enhance the performance of these losers.”

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Town Residents Engraged Over Police Shooting Of Juvenile

WEST PALM BEACH, FL (AIP) – Residents of this town exploded into protest again Friday in a show of anger over the Police Shooting of Freddie Milton, a white 17-year old, by black police officer Mike Brennan Wednesday night following an armed home invasion robbery that Milton is suspected of committing.

“This community is outraged,” said retired city bookkeeper Max Spellman. “We demand justice for what’s his name.”

Over 60 protesters gather for a second straight day at Alice Mickens Park on 3rd street. They mostly walked around the park singly or in groups of two or three, muttering under their breaths and giving nearby police officers ‘the look’.

“You can almost taste the white rage,” said West Palm Beach Police Chief John Trumbo. “These folks are ready to explode.”

Reporters witnessed one of the protesters stand on a park bench and yell the word ‘justice’. Police rushed in and immobilized her, then bundled her off in a waiting squad car.

“They can protest all they want, that’s their right,” said Chief Trumbo. “But we won’t stand for crime.”

Protest leaders have organized a nationwide boycott of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

“The killer cop’s name is Mike,” said boycott leader Carole Lombard. “Duh?”

A spokesman for Mike’s Hard Lemonade said that the company had not noticed the boycott.

Other residents have protested the shooting by not watering their lawns regularly. A small but loud group of angry residents have checked out books on botany from the West Palm Beach Public Library and are refusing to return them.

“We are given to understand that the victim like to smoke pot,” said book non-returner Kelly VanFleet. “This is our way of remembering him.”

Karl Milton, father of the dead boy, has called for calm.

“He was a little shit who burglarized damn near every home on this street,” said Milton. “He was a thug who deserved what he got.”

Protesters have vowed to return to Mickens Park on Saturday after most of them finish their rounds of golf.


Friday, November 21, 2014

Blogger Fortunately Finally Dies Dumbly

LARGO, FL (AIP) Randy Hall, founder and author of this blog, died unexpectedly on Thursday and in his final failure died in a way that he vowed to avoid; namely in a way that people would laugh about.

Hall was killed when an ice cream truck, driven by 19-year old Muslim jihadist Ali Muhammad, careened through his bedroom wall and trapped Hall on the underside of his mattress where he languished for hours, eventually drowning in a rising tide of melted sherbet according to autopsy reports, while that awful ice cream truck “hello” song looped over and over.

“Perhaps the funniest death I’ve ever heard about,” said childhood friend Mitch Michael. “I mean he was a great guy and all, but the incredibly stupid way he died really diminishes any mediocre accomplishment he might have had. What a dumb fuck.”

Bystanders who heard the crash and rushed to the scene were unable to rescue Hall because of the inability to stop laughing. Two would-be rescuers were taken to the hospital to be treated for ruptured diaphragms caused by extended laughter. No one thought to call authorities until hours after Hall finally succumbed.

“I checked ‘dumbass’ on the certificate as the cause of death,” said Pinellas County Medical Examiner Winnie VanDonaldson. “He must have been a real dumbass to die in this fashion.”

Hall’s family has asked that nothing at all be sent in lieu of flowers and that absolutely no one mourn his passing.

“Thank God he’s finally embarrassed his family for the last time,” said family spokesman Charlie Jewel.


Thursday, November 20, 2014

Local Starbucks Employee Complains Of Double Standard

TOPEKA, KS (AIP) – Mandy Ricardo, speaking to reporters at a press conference held in the parking lot of the Starbucks near Gage Park where she works as a Barista, once again complained of the double standard between her and boyfriend Charlie McCracken.

“He loves it when I blow him,” said Ricardo. “In fact, he requests that I do it at the weirdest times, like when we’re at my parents place and they’re both out of the room or when we’re driving on the interstate. But he never, ever goes down on me.”

McCracken contacted at his the Rueger Softball Complex where he was practicing with his team, had a quick response.

“It’s all about security,” said McCracken. “Most women close their eyes during any kind of sexual contact. Men don’t. That way we can keep an eye out for robbers and such. But if I’m going down on her who’s gonna keep a lookout?”

Mitch Marconi, Vice President for Home Security at Blackthorn Security Solutions, the nation’s largest personal protection company, agrees.

“FBI statistics show that 96 percent of successful home invasion robberies occur when the male in the household is performing cunnalingus on the female,” said Marconi. “Conversely, of those attempted home invasion robberies that occur when the male is receiving oral sex from the female, 99 percent are successfully defended against. It simply makes sense from a security perspective for the male to refrain from performing oral sex.

"From a home security standpoint, the only time a man should be going down is when he's going down on another man. That way someone is always on the lookout for potential trouble."


Thursday, November 13, 2014

Earthwatch Announces Study Findings

ZURICH (AIP) – Scientists with Earthwatch International announced today that a recently completed multi-decade study shows an abrupt and alarming increase in the volume of manmade stupid in the atmosphere and is a definite threat to the future of the planet.

“If this continues at the historically unprecedented rate we have measured over the last 10 years we expect manmade stupid to cover over three fourths of the planet by the year 2017,” said Dr Reinhardt Christoff, chief research fellow with Earthwatch, a Zurich based foundation. “Human stupid is a real and growing threat to the planet.”

Manmade stupid includes the banal – locking one’s keys in the car along with the baby on a hot summer day- to the extreme evidenced by a nation of 300 million people voting for a president who rammed through the Affordable Care Act and has a two term vice president like Joe Biden.

“That’s a concrete example of what we’ve been finding and what is so alarming,” said Christoff. “I mean Joe Fucking Biden? He’s like the king of stupid.”

Naysayers, like Senator Max Goldberg (R- Montana), doubt the threat is as extreme as some would say.

“Folks have always been stupid,” said Goldberg. “Richard Nixon got a landslide second term and that was over 40 years ago, long before this alleged crisis began. This isn’t settled science. People have a long history of stupid.”


Thursday, November 6, 2014

Researchers Prove Up Old Saying

JOHNSON CITY, TN (AIP) – Researchers at the East Tennessee State University College of Wise Sayings, have announced the results of their three year, 15 million dollar government funded study that has found that sticks and stones do, in fact, break bones but names don’t seem to have much physical effect.

“We’re pleased by the results,” said Dr. Harry Hilliard, Dean of the College of Wise Sayings. “Going in we weren’t sure what to expect but in pretty short order we found that sticks and stones, if properly handled, can affect some pretty serious damage on both bones and certainly soft tissue.”

Using a group of paid test subjects, mostly college students, researchers under Dr. Hilliard subjected one group to extended name calling and bad mouthing.

“Not one of those subjects suffered any physical damage,” said Hilliard. “Some of them cried and a few kind of got pissed off, but no blood and no breaks.

“We found that men are probably most affected when called a ‘cocksucker’, which surprised us. Women, of course, hate to be called ‘cunt’ but we pretty much expected that.”

A second group was pelted with stones and beaten with sticks.

“We got some pretty spectacular results with both sticks and stones,” said Hilliard. “Compound fractures, broken orbital bones, depressed fractures of skulls. We pretty much found that the wise saying was, in fact, dead on. We’re happy to apply the scientific method and prove it up.”

Monday, November 3, 2014

Republican War On Women Heats Up

BETHESDA, MD (AIP) – The Republican war on women went from a cold one to a hot one Sunday as a White Republican Male battalion, in a sharp but brief fire fight with a group of women at the Chevy Chase Shopping Pavilion, killed 26 and gravely injuring another 42 before heavy artillery drove off the attackers.

“We caused them a lot of damage today,” said Lieutenant Colonel Michael Van Patten, commander of the battalion. “We hit them hard and we’re going to continue hitting them until they’ve been destroyed as a fighting force.

"It's a war and war means people die."

Democratic Party chairman Representative Debbi Wasserman Schultz was not surprised by the attack.

“We’ve been expecting it for a long,” said Wasserman, speaking by phone from an undisclosed bunker location. “We have representatives speaking with military officials in France and a few other countries seeking military aid. We’re going to come back from this.”

Postings on Pinterest by a number of women caught in the fighting painted a grim picture.

“They out maneuvered us and we were caught in a double envelopment,” said one anonymous post. “It was a bigger massacre than the battle of Cannae.”

Van Patten told reports that his troops would continue to operate in the area until the threat had been completely removed.

“Then we’re headed to San Francisco. It’s a cesspool out there and we’re gonna clean it up,” said Van Patten. “We have intelligence that indicates that the Pelosi Division is operating out there. We plan to destroy it.”


Friday, October 31, 2014

Ecumenical Talks Between East And West End In Impasse

BERN, SWITZERLAND (AIP) – A conference between a legation from the Vatican and a Synod representing the Greek Orthodox Church, meeting here in preliminary talks to reunify the Eastern and Western branches of Christianity, broke down into name calling and chest bumping Friday, with spokesmen from both sides saying that there will be no future talks.

“The Orthodox church teaches heresy,” said Cardinal Vincente DeMazio, spokesman for the Catholic legation. “Their doctrine is straight from the pits of hell.”

The crux of what is at issue, which is precisely the same fight over church doctrine that drove Pope Innocent III to excommunicate the Eastern branch of the church in 1205 A.D. in what is known as the Great Schism, remains the same.

“In 1203 Pope Innocent III decreed that it is the will of our Lord that toilet paper shall feed over the top of the roll, in the same way that we are to overcome our sins,” said DeMazio. “To believe otherwise is fundamental error and a mortal sin.”

“Blasphemy, pure blasphemy,” countered Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople Bartholomew. “Even as forgiveness flows from above to below, so should the toilet paper flow from the bottom of the roll. This is a core belief of our church and a vital element of salvation.”

James McPhee, Professor of Religious Studies at St Anne’s College, Oxford, said that this single issue has divided the largest two Christian religions for nearly a thousand years.

“Wars have been fought over the Toilet Paper Flow doctrine,” said McPhee. “Each side feels that the flow of the paper is divinely inspired by God and is therefore fundamental to salvation.

“There have been moves to reconcile the Churches in the past, most notably in the late 1700’s when Frenchmen Marc Andre Jacoud invented the bidet in an attempt to offer a middle of the road solution that took toilet paper out of the equation. Both Churches condemned the bidet as the work of Satan.”

“The Holy Roman Church may find its way to accept Gays and Lesbians and same sex marriage, but we will never accept the under flow,” said DeMazio.

McPhee points out that the Toilet Paper Flow question was one of the leading causes of the Protestant Reformation.

“Martin Luther wrote of it in his famous 95 Theses of 1517,” said McPhee. “He asked ‘what the direction of flow mattered as long as the ass got cleaned?’”


Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Plaintiff's Call Court's Ruling A Victory For Workers

WASHINGTON (AIP) – In a stunning reversal of the lower court and just in time for Halloween, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that evil minions are covered by the same federal wage, hour and benefits regulations as all other classes of labors.

“My client is thrilled,” said Yousef Bernard, attorney for the plaintiff in the Igor v. Victor Frankenstein class action suit. “If my client’s employer had provided him with the customary and usual health benefits and afforded him FEMLA leave, his hunchback might have received the proper treatment and not metastasized.”

“I was on call 24/7,” said Igor, speaking from the Supreme Court steps. “Night after night it was 3 a.m. and the Doctor would yell ‘Igor, go get me another body to reanimate’. No paid vacation, no lunch break. I deserve just compensation.”

Fellow evil minion Nikko, King of the Winged Monkeys, released a statement expressing his happiness over the ruling.

“I did the Wicked Witch of the East’s bidding for a number of years with absolutely no pay,” said Nikko. “Once the rest of the squadron and I were in the ready room for weeks on end, 24 hours a day until radar finally located Dorothy and her companions. We sortied out and picked them up. It was precision work.

“When we got back I went to the Witch and said ‘hey Witch, how about a little something for the boys?’. She just looked at me and gave me that wicked laugh. It was very de-flying monkey-zing.”

The Court’s ruling deals narrowly with the status of evil minions and doesn’t affect non-evil minions, sometimes known as sidekicks.

“I’m deeply disappointed,” said Tonto, contacted by phone. “I slaved for the Lone Ranger for a dozen years and my only compensation was firewater and beef jerky. I guess if I had been evil I might have finally gotten something. My fight for equality will continue.”


Monday, October 27, 2014

Supreme Court Takes Scott Off The Ballot

TALLAHASEE, FL (AIP) – The Florida Supreme Court, ruling in response to a suit brought by a group of influential Florida Democrats, has found that Florida Governor Rick Scott is ineligible to run for a second term as governor because he has not been a resident of Florida for the last seven years, as is required by state law.
In their published ruling the Justices say, in part, that ‘we therefore find that Rick Scott is, in fact, an alien’ and therefore not eligible for election.
“I knew it,” said Democratic politico Martin Van Hoose, who filed the original suit.  “One look at that son of a bitch’s eyes and I knew he was a damn alien. The Supreme Court made the finding that his legal residence is in the Pleiades star system, nowhere near the State of Florida.”
Official records from the planet Mongo, in the Pleiades system, indicate that Scott attended Mongo High School and worked for a time as an intern in the office of Ming the Merciless, who later whet on to rule the entire Pleiades system until being destroyed by earthling Flash Gordon.
“The fucking eyes should have tipped us all off,” said Representative Michael Frescha (R-Pinellas).  “I thought he was wooden and heartless, but in a human sense.  I had no idea that he is actually wooden and heartless.”
Official records further indicate that Scott is presently married to Ming’s daughter, Princess Aura, and they have a home on Mongo where Scott resided until 2011 before hopping a rocket ship flight to Earth.
“This is a blow for the Republican Party and just shows how elitist the entire system is,” said Republican Party Chairman James Stott.  “The fact that the Supreme Court can keep a Pleiadien off the ballot is heavy handed indeed.”
Spokesmen Charles Caffee said that the Governor plans to call in rocket ships from Mongo to enforce his right to rule.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

West Yorkshire Police Solve Murder

YORKSHIRE, ENGLAND (AIP) – Authorities with the West Yorkshire police on Thursday arrested Jill in connection with the brutal murder of Jack, whose killing near Leeds has baffled investigators for over a decade.

“We have, in fact, arrested Jill for the slaying of Jack, whose body was found at the bottom of a hill near Leeds in 1997,” said Dee Collins, Temporary Chief Constable of the West Yorkshire Police Department. “We believe we have solved the murder and hopefully provided some closure to Jack’s family and friends.”

“I’m stunned,” said Gretel, a long time friend of Jill. “I can’t believe she had anything to do with Jack’s murder. Of course, I always knew that she was something of a crazy bitch.”

According to the detailed indictment, Jill had become enraged at Jack’s attentions toward their mutual friend Cinderella, a Leeds house keeper. In what policy claim was a long planned plot, after a night of drinking Jill lured Jack up the hill to fetch some water for tea. While at the well, Jill struck Jack with a two-foot section of steel rebar fracturing his skull, then pushed his body down the hill where it landed in some overgrown brush.

Jack’s corpse was later found by tourists on holiday from America.

“Our first break in the investigation came when we found that Jill had taken a rather healthy life insurance policy out on Jack,” said Collins. “We were later able to retrieve cell phone texts between Jill and a man named Pinocchio, apparently an Italian national, on the morning of the murder that contained thinly veiled references to the killing such as ‘he squealed like a pig when I hit him with the rebar’ and ‘I’m glad he’s fucking dead’.”

Jill maintained her innocence during a phone interview with reporters from jail.

“I had nothing to do with Jack’s death,” said Jill. “This is all a frame up. The next thing you know they’ll be trying to finger me for Dumpty’s murder, and I was nowhere near the wall that night.”

The Humpty Dumpty murder remains unsolved, however police have commented publically that Jill was the sole beneficary in a large life insurance policy on Mr. Dumpty.


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Vatican Panel Announces Florida Findings

VATICAN CITY (AIP) - A team of catholic prelates, led by Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone announced that his blue ribbon commission has traveled to Florida where they interviewed both incumbent Governor Rick Scott former Governor Charlie Crist, rivals in Florida’s gubernatorial election this November and found that neither man has a soul.

“We weren’t surprised in the lack of a soul in either one of these two beings,” said Bertone. “While the incidence of soulless beings in the general population is almost zero, among the political class beings without a soul are pretty much the rule and not the exception.”

According to Catholic doctrine, a soul is defined as the ‘ultimate internal principle by which we think, feel and will, and by which our bodies are animated’.

“Yeah, neither one of them have that,” said Bertone. “Not a scintilla of it.”

Bertone said that he and members of his commission spent hours interviewing both men.

"At first Governor Scott invoked his 5th amendment right not to answer our questions," said Bertone. "After he understood that we weren't investigating the legality of his former dealings he warmed up to us. We found, however, that inside he was as black as night."

Former Governor Crist gave the team a much warmer reception.

"He was a very nice man," said Bertone. "Unfortunately, we could find no core values in the creature."

The Vatican has been interviewing politicians for decades trying to locate one that might have a soul but without success.

"From Nixon right on down to Nancy Pelosi we've come up snake eyes," said Bertone. "Some guy named Cruz in Texas is a possible, but we aren't crossing our fingers."

Monday, October 20, 2014

Sex Crime Set For Trial Tuesday

KEY WEST, FL (AIP) – Senior Court Clerk Andy Rawl, in a desperate attempt to stop the inevitable Lewd and Lascivious trial set to begin in his division on Tuesday at the Monroe County court house, has contacted private attorney Ryan Mingor and asked him to schedule a jail visit with Dieter Monroe, the defendant in the case.

“If anyone can stop this trial, it’s Mingor,” said Rawl, a 19-year veteran in the Monroe County Clerk of the Court's office. “I’ve seen him do it before. He’s my only hope.

"He's not involved in the case, but I asked him to visit the defendant as a friend of the clerk."

Mingor has something of a reputation in Florida’s 16th judicial circuit. In his 20-year career as a criminal defense attorney, Mingor has successfully talked 14 of his clients into committing suicide before trial, thereby saving the justice system untold hundreds of thousands of dollars.

“I guess it’s a gift,” said Mingor. “I have an honest talk with my clients and tell them what is likely to occur if a jury finds them guilty. The result is often pretty grim and occasionally some of them do the right thing. Not many of my clients end up going to prison.”

“I have been pretty much without hope since I found out that the trial is going,” said Rawl, who hates trials with a passion that few outsiders can understand. “Then I asked Ryan if he would visit the defendant in an unofficial capacity and just have a talk with him.”

Legal experts agree that a defendant electing suicide is often the easiest way to resolve an especially complex legal case short of trial.

“My clients are not an especially bright lot of people,” said Mingor. “But they do have an almost animal-like aversion to pain, particularly violent anal rape and 10 or 12 years of that isn’t going to be appealing to anyone."

"It pisses me off," said Assistant State Attorney Todd Prestimous. "I spend an entire weekend in trial prep. Mingor goes to visit his client at the jail on Friday and then trial day on Tuesday they find the guy hanging from his shoelaces in his cell."


Bidetgate Nearly Stops Debate

DAVIE, FL (AIP) – The Florida gubernatorial debate between incumbent Republician Governor Rick Scott and challenger and former Governor Charlie Crist almost didn’t occur Thursday night when Scott learned that Crist had a bidet installed behind the lectern on stage at the campus of Broward College.

“Clearly a bidet is a violation of the previously agreed to rules that we had in place,” said Scott spokesman Manuel Fuente. “It certainly gave Crist an unfair advantage and allowed him to be cleaner and fresher than Governor Scott.”

Crist, the Democratic, Republican, Bull Moose, Copperhead, Libertarian, Independent candidate for governor was quick to disagree.

“Each side was allowed a toilet behind their respective lecterns,” said Crist in a telephone interview. “Where I come from a toilet and bidet are natural companions and I think that most Floridians would agree with me. Tidy sanitation is an important issue for the people of Florida. I guess that’s just one more thing that Governor Scott doesn’t understand about Floridians.”

The debate itself, while being completely without substance and nearly worthless as a gage of either candidate’s true political leanings, was delayed six minutes while Scott kicked a dog he and wife Ann Scott had adopted as a political ploy during the last election.

“Both candidates are completely full of shit, and thus the need for toilets behind both lecterns,” said political analyst Susan Mantooth, a political science professor at the University of Florida. “Toilets behind the lecterns allow the debate to flow naturally and without interruption. A bidet is perhaps stretching things a bit, but Governor Scott really should have just gone on stage and debated without making such a big deal of things.”

The final debate, to be held at the University of Miami, will have toilets, bidets and showers behind each lectern for both candidates.


Sunday, October 19, 2014

Local Man Becomes Best Selling Author

KNOXVILLE, TN (AIP) – Recently retired Knox County Deputy Clerk of the Court Wayne DeSouza ‘s new book I Ate Their Lunch has flown to the top of the New York Times best seller how to category after only two weeks on the market.

“I can’t tell you how please I am,” said first time author DeSouza, a 24-year veteran of the Knox County Clerk’s office, who spent much of his time filing paper into court files. “It just goes to show you that if you are good at something and can put your thought on paper you can make a buck.”

In his book DeSouza claims to have never once purchased or brought a lunch from home. He lived for 24 years stealing co-workers lunches out of the communal break room refrigerators of the North Knox County court house on Maynardville Pike.

“I ate pretty damn good for 24 years and I can help others do the same,” said the 5-8, 260 pound DeSouza patting his stomach. “I worked with some pretty good cooks.”

Among other tips that DeSouza writes about he says that timing is everything.

“If most of the staff in the office goes to lunch at 11:30 or noon, the lunch bandit has to strike at 11:00 or 11:15,” he writes in his book. “The best method is to remove the meal from the container – the box or bag – and return the container to its original position. That way you not only enjoy a great and free lunch, but the owner has one of those ‘fuck me’ moments when they open the container and find it empty.

“They always seemed to enjoy that moment and so did I.”

It’s easy to eat well at no cost according to the book.

“You’ve got to watch what the fat people bring their lunch in,” said the author. “They eat well and they eat a lot. Avoid taking the lunches of skinny or health conscious folks. It will either be very scanty or taste like crap.”

Friday, October 17, 2014

Rawl Is Done

PINELLAS PARK, FL (AIP) - Local resident Andy Rawl, dazed and confused by the mixed signals his girlfriend Heather Johnson gives him sought soloace at Clearwater's Twisted Soul nightspot Tuesday night, wondering what he could have done differently to salvage his failed relationship.

"She tell me she loves me then she tells me she hates the way I live, the things I do and the future I want," said Rawl, deeply into his cups at the Soul. "Basically it was 'I love you the way you are, now change'".

"I love him, but he needs to be a totally different man than he is now," said Johnson, reached on her cell phone somewhere in Italy. "I love him for being him if he was only different."

Rawl, barely able to raise his head from the bar, found fault with that line of reasoning.

"So at 52 I'm unformed and malleable?", said Rawl, horribly slurring his speech. "I am what I am. You get what you see. You want something else then go and find it.

"We have a basic misunderstanding. She thinks I have to amuse her and I think she needs to accept me or move along."

FBI Cracks Cold Case

BEDFORD, MS (AIP) – The FBI announced Monday that cold case agents have made an arrest in the notorious case of the man who let the dogs out, a crime that both shocked and sickened the nation and was made famous by the 2000 Grammy Award winning song Who Let The Dogs Out by Baha Men.

Bedford resident Calvin Allison, a retired high school civics teacher was arrested Monday in a joint raid by local police and federal agents that swooped in and captured him without incident as he tended to his backyard garden.

“We have been working this case for 14 years and we’ve finally got our man,” said FBI agent Martin Keysman, who spearheaded the 14-year long, $87 million dollar hunt for the perpetrator. “We’ve got pretty air tight evidence that Allison is the guy. We’ve finally caught the bastard. We just wish he would have resisted.

“Now, perhaps, the public can have some closure.”

When questioned, Keysman was unable to name an actual victim of the crime, or even point to a state or federal statute that Allison is accused of violating.

“We just know that he let the dogs out. He’s the cold bastard who let the dogs out,” said Keysman. “The FBI has finally answers that question.”

Allison, speaking by phone from the Bedford jail, seemed unapologetic.

“Of course I let the dogs out, they had to go out,” said Allison, being held at no bond pending a first appearance hearing before a federal judge tomorrow. “What? I’m going to let them shit and piss in the house? This is all ridiculous.”

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Seahawks Offer Domestic Violence Workshop

SEATTLE (AIP) – The Seattle Seahawks, in cooperation with the NFL’s support for National Domestic Violence month, will hold a workshop featuring several top players and coaches at Centurylink Field this Saturday to make men more aware of the effects of domestic violence at home.

“Domestic violence isn’t about bruises and broken teeth,” said Seahawk All Pro right tackle Guy Bancroft. “It’s about intimidation and control. It’s about showing the bitch who the boss is without getting arrested. NFL player understand this concept.”

Teammate DeAngelo Waller agreed.

“Punch your baby’s momma in the face she might learn a lesson but she’ll also be sporting a black eye or require a dental procedure,” said Waller. “A quick, sharp blow to the back of the head is just as likely to concuss the bitch and will leave no visible bruising because it’s above the hairline. It’s one way to teach her a lesson and not leave photographable evidence.”

The workshop will deal with many challenging questions related to domestic violence, such as the problem of modern video surveillance, what screams really mean and preferable time and place to teach lessons.

“It’s the age old question,” said Bancroft. “Is it better to score a blow during a verbal confrontation or wait till things cool down and then the sucker punch? We’re going to hold a roundtable discussing on that.”

Team spokesman Marc Vanderman said that the team is looking forward to helping men in the community learn to do more than just slap a woman’s face.

“We’ve got a couple guys on the team that have actually pioneered the at home waterboarding of their significant others,” said Vanderman. “It’s surprisingly easy and affordable. All you need is an incline board, a towel and a bucket of water. When it’s over there are no visible marks, but the psychological scars are just as really as a gut punch to a three-month pregnant bitch.”

The workshop begins this Saturday at 11:00 a.m. at Centurylink Field and the public is welcome to attend. Men are encouraged to bring their spouses or girlfriends for some of the interactive classes.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Local Man Angers The NSA

PLANO, TX (AIP) – Local resident Carl Weatherman has angered officials in the federal government with his revolutionary discovery of a way to retain his personal privacy and defeat the National Security Administration’s attempt to capture and data mine his personal information and communications.

“I don’t go on Facebook or Twitter or any of those social media sites,” said Weatherman, an assistant manager at Walmart. “When I want to talk to someone I walk or bike or drive over to where they are and speak privately and quietly with them. Sometimes I send them an actual handwritten letter or card. And I mostly pay cash for the things I buy.”

At first officials at the NSA denied that Weatherman actually existed because of their inability to find any electronic trace of him. After being shown a picture and a copy of his driver’s license those same officials became angry.

“Doesn’t this guy know that he’s endangering national security?”, said NSA spokesman Colin Grew. “We’re going to have to check into this man’s background. How could he defeat us like that?

“We’ve contacted the Department of Juatice and they’re going to go through the Federal Statutes and see if there’s some law he’s breaking. If that isn’t successful then I’m sure Congress will act to require all citizens to use cell phones and the internet. We can’t keep an eye on them for their own good otherwise.”

Monday, October 13, 2014

We Fact-Check Ben Affleck

WASHINGTON (AIP) - As a follow up to Ben Affleck’s daffy and completely inaccurate statement that Islamic State terrorists ‘couldn’t fill up a Double A ball park in West Virginia’, given the fact that most experts put the number of ISIL terrorists at between 25,000 and 35,000, we at Politicheck have decided to fact check some of Affleck’s other statements to vet the veracity of the award winning actor.

“The number of people killed by the Manson Family couldn’t fill up a Double A ball park in West Virgina,” Affleck said to Star Jones on ABC’s The View last week.

We find this to be true. The Manson Family is credited with slaughtering 9 people in the late 1960’s, which would only fill up half a row of stadium seats in a West Virginia Double A ball park.

“The number of people killed by terrorists on 9/11/2001 couldn’t fill up a Double A ballpark in West Virginia,” said Affleck to MSNBC’s Ronan Farrow on April 10, 2014.

We find this to be false. Only 2,752 innocent American’s were killed as a direct result of terrorist’s actions against the United States on September 11, 2001. Hunnicutt Field in Princeton, West Virginia, seats only 1,700 fans.

“The total number of people killed in World War Two couldn’t fill up a Double A ballpark in West Virginia,” said Affleck to Oprah Winfrey in an interview in July of 2014.

We find this to be full of shit. Experts agree that upwards of 50 million
combatants and civilians died as a direct result of the Second World War.

Overall we find that Affleck is basically full of shit and has made that tragic mistake that many other actors (i.e. Sean Penn, Jane Fonda, et al.) have fallen into: equating success on the screen as validation for their wacky, erroneous and poorly thought out and innacurate political views which only tend to muddle up serious public policy debate.

Buccaneers Set New NFL Record

TAMPA (AIP) – The National Football League’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers set a new NFL record Sunday in their 48-17 loss to the Baltimore Ravens Sunday when 6,832 fans committed suicide with 28 seconds left in the first half of the game when field goal kicker Patrick Murray nailed the right upright and sent the ball careening outside the posts, botching up the field goal attempt and allowing the Ravens to maintain a 38-0 lead going into the half.

At that point most surviving fans agree that all hope was lost.

“That's when we lost all hope and my dad and his brothers – my five uncles – shot themselves in the head one after another on the patio,” said Tampa resident Kyle Conner. “I would have joined them but we ran out of ammo.”

Florida Highway Patrol Trooper MacKenzie MaGriff said that the sight of falling bodies from the picturesque Skyway Bridge, connecting St. Petersburg with Sarasota, was more than she could bare.

“Folks were jumping off the top of the bridge in droves,” said MaGriff. “It was literally raining men and women. It took 13 hours to clear the bridge of cars abandoned by suicide jumpers. Luckily Tampa Bay acts as a giant toilet that literally flushes the dead bodies out into the Gulf of Mexico so we aren’t faced with that nasty recovery and clean up problem.”

Twist Soul bar owner Kelly Craig had to bring in a hazmat team to remove the 60 bodies and clean the floor of blood at her popular Tampa Bay nightspot.

“There was brain matter and blood splatters everywhere,” said Craig. “I watched one patron attempt to cut his wrists with one of our butter knives. It took him over 10 minutes to open up a vein and bleed out.”

“We’ve had similar occurrences from 1976 to 1980 and then again in the mid 90’s,” said Hillsborough County Sheriff’s spokesman Michael Tompkins. “We don’t even investigate the individual deaths any more. Roughly 200 local folks kill themselves for every point that the Bucs lose by each Sunday. We only investigate if the death toll falls below that number.”

The Bucs have a bye week this coming Sunday and then host the Vikings on October 26 at 1:00p.m..

Friday, October 10, 2014

Religious Leaders Clash In Rome

ROME (AIP) – Pope Francis, head and spiritual leader of the Roman Catholic Church and Abu Bakral al Baghdadi, Caliph and spiritual leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) engaged in a physical confrontation inside Rome’s posh Barde Fico Nightclub early Friday morning according to insiders who witnessed the dust up.

“It was like 3:00 in the morning and the place was packed and above the music I heard a guy yell ‘Hey Pope, you lookin at my bitches?’”, said Alfonso Biagino, a local college student. “I looked over and it was al Baghdadi who was hanging with his 72 virgins in the VIP area. Let me tell you, there’s a reason those ugly bitches are virgins.”

Bartender Bernardo Enrico takes the story from there.

“I know the Holy See heard al Baghdadi because he turned around and squinted through the cigarette smoke,” said Enrico. “Then the Pope turned back around and resumed his conversation with Sister Jenna Jameson and Sister Tera Patrick.

“Well, that must have pissed al Baghdadi off because he came barreling down the bar, pushing people out of the way and got right in the Pope’s face. At the time I remember hoping that neither one was packing.”

Biagino saw al Baghdadi wave his finger under the Pope’s nose and heard him say ‘omak mesasa’. The Pope pushed his hand away and yelled ‘bastardus’.

“Then it was game on,” said Baigino.

“There were no actual punches,” said Enrioc. “Just some pushing and chest bumping. Bouncers separated the two and by the time the Carabinieri arrived the Pope had already left in his Corvette with the two sisters. Al Baghdadi hung out for a while and ended up punching a hole in the men’s room wall and then left in his tour bus with the bitches at about dawn. It was really no big deal.”

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Researchers Alarmed At Findings

CLEARWATER, FL (AIP) – Researchers closely monitoring the behavior of Deputy Clerk of the Court Andy Rawl, a court clerk this week assigned to cover a slip and fall lawsuit in circuit civil court, are alarmed that Rawl seems to have spent much of his time during the trial fantasizing about murdering virtually everyone else in the courtroom.

“Rawl is normally a pretty laid back guy,” said lead researcher Michael Nesbitt-Goins. “Some of his fantasys during this civil trial are pretty sick. Actually they are damn near medieval. Today he was thinking about watching the plaintiff’s attorney being drawn and quartered.”

When contacted by reporters Rawl, who has an historic and well known hatred of being assigned to cover civil trials, showed no remorse for his murderous fantasies.

“By the third day of the trial I wanted them all dead,” said Rawl, sipping a beer. “Hours and hours of monotonous, dull medical testimony. Inane questions from idiot attorneys. The court reporter kept asking the witnesses to talk slower, which only made things take longer.

“I pretty much had it under control until the plaintiff called a Cupcake Slip Accident Reconstruction Engineer as a witness. Somebody dropped a cupcake on the floor of a bakery and the plaintiff slipped and fell on it. The witness is supposedly an expert at reconstruction these type accidents.”

Reporters noted at this point in the interview that Rawl was becoming visibly upset as he spoke.

“What the fuck is that?” said Rawl. “Cupcake Accident specialist? You gotta be fucking kidding me. The guy makes $300 an hour testifying in cupcake cases? How many cupcake cases can there fucking be. Son of a bitch was on the stand for four hours. He stutters. All I could think of was how much I’d love to watch him be pulled apart on the rack.”

The trial is expected to last another three days. Researchers will monitor Rawl the entire time.

“We don’t expect that he will act on these sick fantasies,” said Nesbitt-Goins. “He never has before.”

“I want each one of those people in the courtroom to die a horrible, slow, painful death while I watch, including the jurors and they haven't even said anything,” said Rawl. “Why can’t God just kill them all?”

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Major Florida Football Schools To Continue Off Field Policy

TALLAHASSEE (AIP) – Citing the old adage to ‘stick with what works’ the presidents of Florida’s three major university football powerhouses – Florida State University, the University of Florida and the University of Miami – have jointly decided to continue their policy of allowing top tier football players to sexually assault co-eds.

“Our first string quarterback last year was accused of sexually assaulting a female on campus and he went on to win the Heisman Trophy,” said FSU spokesman Ronald McQueen. “It’s a winning strategy. It’s proven.”

“We’ve taken a page from the pros,” said UF spokesman Carla Barlow. “The Pittsburg Steelers led the way when their quarterback was accused of sexually assaulting a woman in a bar and today that man wears a Super Bowl ring, two of them in fact.”

McQueen was quick to point out that, although there is no actual scientific evidence to prove that sexual battery makes a better quarterback, the anecdotal evidence is strong.

“That freshman from Florida comes into a losing game and gets a huge win in Tennessee, hours later he’s allegedly out sexually battering a woman on campus,” said McQueen. “I can’t believe we didn’t see the nexus earlier.

"Female students at our university know that we have a winning program and furthermore they realize that their potential rape is the price the student body has to pay for that tradition of excellence. Do you have any idea of the number of women raped at Notre Dame over the years?"

Blue chip high school quarterback Johnny Maverick of Highlands County (FL) High School, who is weighing scholarship offers from a number of Division 1 schools said that being able to sexually batter a coed at a school in Florida will narrow down his choice.

“I want to be the best quarterback I can be, and if a school in Florida will allow me to sexually assault a woman, well that’s a huge upside,” said Maverick.

Some of the state's smaller universities, including the University of South Florida and the University of Central Florida have declined to participate in the program.


Thursday, October 2, 2014

Goddard College Nixes Cop Killer As Speaker

PLAINFIELD, VT (AIP) – Bowing to the intense national pressure brought upon it by conservatives across the country, tiny Goddard College has rescinded an invitation for cop killer Mumia Abu-Jamal to speak at its upcoming commencement and instead invited former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky.

“Our students deserve the opportunity to hear opinions and experiences that the Establishment might not find pleasing,” said Goddard College Vice Chancellor Magritte Van Damm. “We feel that Mr. Sandusky will offer our graduates a unique perspective on teamwork, strategy, strength, forced anal and oral sodomy, man-boy love and the 3-4 defense. It’s a wonderful opportunity.”

Many of the students, while upset that the original choice of Abu-Jamal was so enraging to a large number of Americans, are pleased that they could find a morally reprehensible alternative.

“The fact that we’re going to have a white boy-fucker instead of a black cop killer is okay by me,” said senior class president Marvin Christianson. “I know my dad was pissed off about Abu-Jamal and he does pay the tuition.”

Sandusky, interviewed by phone from Pennsylvania’s SCI Greene “supermax” prison where he is serving his 30 to 60-year sentence, was please at the invitation.

“I am excited to be around those young people,” said Sandusky. “I can’t wait for the opportunity to drill my ideas about life into them.”

Sandusky joins a list of notable but controversial commencement speakers that Goddard has invited over its 150-year history, which has included Richard Speck, Idi Amin Dada, Reinhard Heydrich, John Wayne Gacy, Pol Pot and Sarah McLachlan.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Ryder Cup Team Taken Hostage

GLENNEAGLES, SCOTLAND (AIP) – Ryder Cup officials announced that the plane carrying the United States Ryder Cup team has been hijacked by terrorists connected with the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) and forced to divert and land somewhere in Northern Iraq and have threatened to behead each player on the team.

A spokesman for the Professional Golf Association (PGA) was quick to react.

“I hope they cut the fucking heads off of every one of those guys,” said PGA vice president Herb Langerfeld. “They embarrassed the entire nation with their weak-assed, duffer-like play. To ISIL I say ‘the sooner, the better’ and ‘send us video proof quickly’”.

Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Barak Obama was clearly angry with this latest development.

“I play a little golf myself and I, along with the rest of the country, was appalled at that piss poor collections of players,” said Obama. “The combined security forces of the United States will not, I repeat not, be looking to rescue the team. The possible exceptions to that being we might try to find Patrick Reed and Jordan Spieth. The others will get what they so richly deserve.”

Woman Killed At Orlando Theme Park

Orlando (AIP) – A 42-year old wife and mother of four was killed at Disney World’s Magic Kingdom Wednesday when what horrified onlookers say was a 7 foot grizzly bear mauled and partially ate the woman as she stood in line with her family outside Disney’s Space Mountain thrill ride.

“It was horrific,” said Megan Potter, from Toledo, OH, who watched the grizzly kill Amanda Sorreto just after 2:00 p.m.. “At first we all thought the bear was some sort of new animatronics or an actor in a costume. Then the thing clawed her with his paw and bite off most of her left shoulder. It chewed on her for a while and then just lumbered off.”

Disney officials were baffled by the event.

“We aren’t sure how a grizzly bear, which isn’t native to Florida, actually gained entry to the park,” said Disney Spokesman Conner Oday. “It’s the damndest thing.”

A similar death occurred at the park in 2012 when a pack of wolves killed several Chinese tourists near Splash Mountain. There was also an incident in 1989 when a Chupacabra took the life of a 14-year old girl scout outside Peter Pan’s Flight.

Legal experts point to the 1989 killing as the impetuous for the Florida Legislature to pass the 1990 “You’ve Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me” law that specifically exempts theme parks and other tourist destinations from legal liability when guests are killing in ways that are considered bizarre or strange.

“It’s like the law was tailor made for this incident,” said Osceola County Sheriff Dewayne Stutts. “We’ve decided not to investigate at all, other than to see if the law against feeding nuisance animals was violated.”

Sorreto’s husband Thomas said that he was saddened by the incident but he and his four children “still had a pretty fun day regardless.”

“The kids were sad at first but we had a blast later down on Main Street and they were just fine,” said Sorreto.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Moderate Islamic Group Receives Military Aid

WASHINGTON (AIP) – In what some are calling a stunning development, an envoy from the self-proclaimed non-radical Islamists For United Caring Universally faction (IFUCU) has arrived in the nation’s capitol to seek arms and financial support for their fight against the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL).

“We are not like those ISIL guys,” said IFUCU envoy Muhammad Abu-Penn, formerly a Huntington Beach, CA grocery store bag boy and part time convenience store clerk who traveled to Syria 18 months ago to allegedly wage war against ISIL. “We are the opposite of those people.

“We reattach the severed heads of decapitated western hostages, restore the hymens of girls raped by ISIL terrorists and reanimate the corpses of executed Iraqi soldiers. We’re the good guys you’ve been looking for.”

President Barak Obama met with Abu-Penn for five hours on Tuesday and had nothing but praise for IFUCU.

“These are really good folks,” said Obama at a joint news conference with Abu-Penn. “I have pledged Envoy Abu-Penn that the United States would provide both light and heavy weapons and $50,000,000.00 in direct financial aid to help in their fight against ISIL.”

Republican Senator Michael Nye (R, Nebraska) was skeptical of IFUCU’s claims.

“None of this has been independently verified,” said Nye. “Reattaching heads? Reanimating corpses? Restoring hymens? That is fantastical on its face. I have to call bullshit on all of this.“

Contacted hours after Senator Nye’s comments while boarding a cargo ship bound for Syria containing the bulk of promised weapons for the United States, Abu-Penn was dismissive of the Senator’s disbelief.

“That’s nonsense,” said Abu-Penn, waiving a $50,000,000.00 money order from the US government. “We’re those moderate Muslims that you people have been looking for for so long with such little success. We’re on your side. You can trust us. See ya.”

Thursday, September 18, 2014

NFL Commissioner Unveils New Domestic Violence Program

CANTON, OH (AIP) – Recognizing the need to stem the increasing incidents of domestic incidents among professional football players, Nation Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell, in a press conference at the Pro Football Hall of Fame, has announced that he has a put in motion a plan to quell the violence.

“This is a league problem and needs to be dealt with by the league and not the individual players,” said Goodell. “Far too many of our young men have fallen in with loud-mouth, no account, in your face ho’s and bitches. I personally plan to shut them up.”

To that end Goodell has announced that he has begun a program where he is personally traveling to every NFL team and individually ‘bitch-slapping and ho-bashing’ the wives and significant others of every player on the active roster of every one of the 32 teams.

Goodell has already made three visits.

“I have backhanded, bitch-slapped, cold cocked and ass whooped 156 women so far,” said Goodell. “I’ve scored 32 one-punch knock outs, 28 orbital bone or other facial fractures and I haven’t even counted the black eyes. I have a small black velvet bag jammed full of the teeth I have knocked out in an attempt to put these women in their place.

“If I didn’t do something we wouldn’t have enough non-suspended players to field teams on Sundays.”
All Pro running back Maurice Paddington is, for one, grateful that the league is finally taking action.

“I had no idea what a bitch Tammy was when I married her,” said Paddington. “Always with the mouth, that one. But after Commissioner Goddell’s little talk with her the bitch don’t say ‘Boo’ without express,written permission from the NFL. It’s going to take a while for her black eyes to go away but that’s a small price to pay.”

“I’ve got 29 teams left to deal with. That’s 1404 women to teach lessons to,” said Goodell. “All I can tell them is to watch their backs.”

Women’s rights groups, who have long complained about domestic violence in the NFL, were afraid to comment when contacted.


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Hall Admits, Faces Music

LARGO, FL(AIP)- Largo resident Randy Hall admitted that he 'just didn't have the juice' to hang with friends Michelle and Bill.

"Hall said 'lets go out and hang'" said Michelle. "We took him up on the offer and he bailed."

"Fuck me, I got 12 years on both of them combined," said Hall. "DAMN."

"Clearly Hall pussied out on us," said Michelle, speaking on the condition that we use her first name only. "Jeez, since I've known him he's been damn near worthless. "

Critics of Hall had a field day.

"Yep, I knew it", said Colleen Brown. "Loser."

"I'd like to squeeze his throat closed, but the son of a bitch has no neck", said Debbie Johnson, one of Hall's former wives.

Bill was more forgiving.

"Damn it, the man's a zero," said Bill. "Can we move on? Nothing to see here."

"I wish he would just die," said Michelle "Why won't he die?"

Monday, September 15, 2014

Hillhouse Stays The Course

SODDY-DAISY, TN (AIP) – Despite the fact that she occasionally ‘gets snaky’ Chad Hillhouse is still happy with his high maintenance girlfriend Lakota Custard whose outbursts of anger and stored up distrust have almost cost Hillhouse his life on more than one occasion.

“Oh, she’s definitely a cunt,” said Hillhouse, sipping a beer beside the pool at his parent’s home where he retreated after their last blowout. “She’s embarrassed me in front of friends, gone off on me in public and has pitched a bitch when she thought a waitress wasn’t being deferential enough to her at a diner, but I’ve learned to overlook most of it. I guess she’s okay in my book.”

Hillhouse’s friends disagree.

“She actually snapped her fingers under my nose like some proctor in an English public school,” said long-time Hillhouse friend Vander Mitchell. “She thought I was being disrespectful to her when Chad and I were joking about string theory one night in a physics discussion at the bar. She thought I was laughing about her. She was dead wrong and I would have punched her in the mouth but Chad gave me that ‘sorry dude’ look so I just let it go."

“Mega-bitch,” said Dr. Maurice McMillan, a childhood friend of Hillhouse and his personal physician. “She has a black heart. Seriously, I’m her doctor and have seen the color doppler sonograms of the thing. It’s black as a coal mine at midnight.

“Chad confided in me that the girl has to sleep in a freezer once a week to keep the blood in her veins ice cold.”

Nevertheless, Hillhouse has stated that he intends to remain with Custard.

“Really, she’s okay the majority of the time,” he said. “I mean, don’t most girls destroy the crockery and flatten the tires of the men they love? I mean, I can put up with it. Everything I say and do and think is ripe for misinterpretation and she gainsays my every positive action. Let's put is this way, I'm listening to one hell of a lot of Nirvana and really identifying with it.”

Friday, September 12, 2014


LARGO (AIP) - Today, September 12, 2014, the author of this blog can think of absolutely nothing funny to write about. I am, oddly, at a loss.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Franklin Mint Rolls Out New Coin

COATESVILLE, PA (AIP) – The Franklin Mint is proud to announce the sale of its limited edition one ounce silver Ray Rice KO Dollar Coin, a proof edition one dollar piece commemorating that fateful night in Atlantic City when former Pro Bowl Football Star Rice dropped his soon to be wife with a stunning one punch knockout.

“It’s a remarkable collectable,” said Franklin Mint spokesman Marilyn Congreves. “Our engravers have absolutely captured the moment, taken directly from the grainy black and white surveillance video, that illustrates the stunning power and exquisite delivery of perhaps the most famous elevator knockout of all time.

“It’s a beautiful collectable and a wonderful hedge against inflation.”

This one ounce, 99.999 pure silver bas relief coin, struck for and legal tender in the South Sea island Republic of Nauru, features an image of Mr. Rice on the obverse, sculpted from his 2013 team picture, above the unforgettable inscription In Blunt Force Trauma We Trust. The reverse side of the coin captures the moment when Rice’s closed fist fractured the orbital bone in his soon to be spouse Janay Palmer’s face.

“You can almost feel the pain Palmer must have felt just nanoseconds before she went lights out and hit the floor like a sack of potatoes,” said Congreves. “This beautiful coin really captures that moment.”

Each coin comes in a beautifully executed black and purple presentation box with a certificate of authenticity, signed with Rice’s mark. A limited run of 400,000 coins will be struck.


Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Withers Makes Surprise Announcement

ALTOONA,PA (AIP) – Tuesday Karl Withers, at the usual daily briefing on his mental outlook, shocked reporters by announcing that he’feels pretty good today’, a sharp departure from his normal gloomy end of the world disposition.

"Not really sure why, but I’m kind of upbeat this morning,” said Withers, speaking as usual from the poarch of his double wide mobile home. “It’s odd, because I normally don’t feel this way and I really can’t put my finger on why the change, so I’ll just go with it.”

Careful fact checking revealed that Withers hasn’t reported feeling good since March 3, 2002 and that only lasted till noon.

Withers refused to speculate how long this good feeling might last.

“Life’s a minefield that we’re all dancing on,” said Withers. “Anything can set me off: bad news at work, the wrong song on the radio, a glance from a stranger. You never know. But right now I’m doing ok.”

Experts expect Withers to be distraught by 4:00 p.m. at the latest, when he once again realizes his actual disadvantaged position in the uncaring and fundamentally malignant universe that he inhabits.

“He hasn’t got a chance to make it 24 hours feeling good,” said Dr. Michael Bettis, professor at the University of Pennslyvania’s Mctrick School of Moods. “Once he comes down from his false euphoric high and understands how truly fucked he really is, the lightheartedness will disappear.”

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Administration Announces Anti-ISIS Measures

WASHINGTON (AIP) – Vowing to make good on Vice President Joseph Biden’s promise to “send them to hell”, on Thursday the United States Department of Veterans Affairs offered to provide the same quality medical care that United State military veterans receive to all soldiers injured fighting for the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS).

“This should effectively destroy ISIS as a fighting force in almost no time,” said Veterans Affairs spokesman Les Goldman. “The initial treatment wait time alone should kill off most of the more severely wounded and once we take the others in for treatment the problem will be solved, if you know what I mean.”

The move is just one of the economic measures the Obama Administration is considering in the war against ISIS. The Administration is also contemplating taking away the Lifeline Assistance and Lifeline Linkup phones – widely known as the Obama Phones – which the government has provided to ISIS fighters who qualify because of low income.

“Most of the tweets and YouTube uploads depicting scenes of massacre and destruction from the war zone have come via these phones,” said administration spokesman Josh Earnest. “Take away the free phones and problem solved.”

Earnest said that the administration is also considering making ISIS fighters ineligible for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), Pell educational grants and the U.S. Housing and Urban Development rental assistance program.

“These economic sanctions, while harsh, should have ISIS crying ‘uncle’ in almost no time,” said Earnest.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Obama Announces A Shakeup In Government

SAN CLEMENTE, CA (AIP) – President Barack Obama today announced that the White House, home to presidents since 1800, would no longer be his official residence and that he would be moving into the exclusive Talega Golf Club, located in Orange County.

“The President has been under a great deal of stress and needs to relax,” said Obama, speaking to reporters while lagging putts on the practice green beside the first tee box. “I can’t think of a better place for the President to kick back and get centered than on this beautiful par 72 Freddie Couples designed course.”

The President said that any mail for him can be sent care of the Talega Golf Club and phone calls requiring his attention can be made to Jimmie, master bartender in the club’s Signature Grille Restaurant, whom he will check with frequently for messages.

“The President is firm in his decision,” said former White House and now Talega Golf Club spokesman Josh Earnest. “He feels that the living in the White House doesn’t allow him to understand how the common folk live and play. By taking up residence at the exclusive Talega Club he will be able to rub elbows with ordinary men and women.”

The President, while playing a high stakes poker game with club members in the men’s locker room after a grueling 18 holes of grinding sand saves and snaking putts, said that the change was necessary in order for him to accomplish his goals as president.

“When I’m in Washington all I hear are questions about ISIL, or the Ukraine, or Ferguson,” said an obviously irritated Obama. “Here we can shoot the shit, have a couple drinks and just kick back. And the club's hyper-restrictive membership requirements will go a long way toward protecting me from the riff raff that I’m had to stomach for the last six years.”

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Local Girl Strikes Out

WEBER CITY, VA (AIP)- In what experts are calling the upset of the decade, Cathy Ann MacArthur was unable to find an inebriated local male to have sexual intercourse with at the J&K State Line Bar and Grill Friday night, despite her surgically augmented breasts, low cut neck line and obvious intentions.

“I was putting it out there,” said MacArthur, contacted at her mother’s home Saturday afternoon. “I would have fucked about anything that walked last night. I mean, I just didn’t care. I was bending over low when spoken to and spread my legs pretty wide when I got up to go piss so the boys could see I wasn’t wearing underwear but nothing was effective.”

Local auto mechanic and known slut hound Mickey Slaughters, who is usually ‘on it’ as the residents of the small town of Weber City say, was at the bar that evening and would normally have ‘hit it’ as local residents also often say, but didn’t.

“Yeah, she’s got the rack and some buddies have told me that she can suck-start a Boeing 787 Dreamliner,” said Slaughters, making jerky from a deer he poached out of season just outside the city limits. “Friday night I saw her at the bar and thought I might hit it, but I was really in the mood to discuss the poetry of Allen Ginsberg, the film career of Joseph Cotton or the artistic endeavors of van Gogh when he suffered hallucinations induced by absinthe, you know, the ‘high yellow’ paintings. I didn’t just want a bang and bye.”

Bartender Stacey McMartin, serving that night and the J&K was amazed.

"She was really slutting it up and frankly that was about the lowest cut top I've seen on a heavily chested woman," said McMartin. "She kept playing those CeeLo Green songs on the jukebox but no one was hitting on her. It was odd, because they say she can suck-start a Boeing.

"After about 9 p.m. her nipples looked like Titlieist Pro v1's and she clearly wasn't wearing panties. But the boys were at the other end of the bar arguing about the lyrics from the HMS Pinafore> and paid her no mind."

Despite the setback MacArthur said she would attempt meaningless and potentially dangerous unprotected sex with strangers again next Friday evening.

“I’ll pretty much do whatever they want,” said MacArthur. “Anal, oral, jerking them off with my feet; whatever they want. I got these pretty expensive tits and somebody is going to suck these nipples.”


Sunday, August 31, 2014

California Passes New Medical Drug Law

SACRAMENTO, CA (AIP)- Bowing to a strong grassroots movement of feminist sexually repressed women, California became the first state to pass a medical roofie bill, making the notorious date rape drug legal.

The new law, signed by Governor Jerry Brown on Thursday, was backed by the Coalition of Sexually Repressed Women.

"Thank god, I can finally have illicit sex with complete strangers without the emotional train wreck that used to come afterwards," said state represntative Martha Coakley (D-San Francisco) a strong proponent of the new law. "Last night I did two guys at the same time, both complete strangers, and to I have no regrets or remorse thanks to roofies."

Republican represntative Marc Johnston, normally conservative, went along with the ground swell movement.

"I think its a really good thing," said Johnston. "I dump one of these now lawful pills in a really hot girl's rum and coke at the bar and an hour later I'm ass-fucking her in the front seat of my car. I finish and go and she doesn't feel like a cheap slut the next day. It's win-win."

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Bucket Challenge Craze Comes To Orlando

ORLANDO (AIP) – The Buddhist Monk Challenge, a national crazy that has raised millions for charity, has found its way to Orlando’s Conway Elementary School, where principal Harold Fuchs filmed himself challenging all other Orange County Elementary principals to ‘do this or donate’ then dumped an ice bucket of aviation fuel over his head and flicked a Bic lighter.

“It was way cool,” said third grader Mary Ann Kotchman. “I think it’s great that Mr. Harold would writhe like that for charity.”

“His screams were awesome,” said a laughing Conner Martin, fourth grade class president. “I still can’t believe a human can actually scream that loud. I hope all the other principals do it too.”

Nationwide the craze has raised over $14 million for charity. Milton Freemanson, whose company Flashpoint Productions helps local organizations stage Buddhist Monk Challenges around the country, explained the concept.

“Buddhist monks in Vietnam during the war first came up with the idea,” said Freemanson. “Local celebrities, television personalities, firefighters, police chiefs, just about anyone can do it. All it takes is a bucket of high octane aviation fuel, reliable lighter and steel nerves.

“We film participants as they make the verbal challenge for others to either do it themselves or donate at least 28 percent of their yearly salary to charity. We’ve raised huge amounts of money.”

So far nationwide over 400 challenge takers have perished, while at least 27 remain in burn units at various hospitals around the country, mostly with extremely poor chances for survival.

“It’s a lot of fun,” said Freemanson. “The kids love to watch. Almost everyone thinks it’s a wonderful idea.”


Monday, August 25, 2014

New Poll Suggests Young Voters Happy

NEW YORK (AIP) – The latest Pew Research polling indicates that the majority of Americans under age 40, some 87 percent of those responding, are very happy to be governed by a hubris filled ruling elite who have undergone Botox or testosterones injections and speak to the electorate in the condescending way normally reserved for a stupid child.

“I much prefer to be governed by a group of semi-conscious elderly folks,” said young Republican voter Mindy Peppershank. “They know what’s best for us.

“For example, Nancy Pelosi’s comment that ‘we have to pass the bill to know what’s in it’ is really something people of my generation understand. It’s insightful and brilliant in its logic. I never would have known if I should be for or against Obama Care without her pointing the way.”

The vast majority of young voters feel the same way according to the Pew poll.

“I sometimes get angry with the things the government does, but then I remember that these elderly men and women are actually better and brighter than most of us,” said Steve Quarles, a 36-year old airline pilot and registered Democrat. “They know what’s best for each of us and force us to do it, regardless of our personal preferences or desires. It’s really a lot of responsibility taken off our shoulders and thrust onto theirs.”

Pew research indicates that a slightly small majority of young Americans, 82 percent, love to be condescended to by those in office.

“I love being talked down to,” said Kwami Sportu, a nuclear engineer and registered independent voter. “There’s no better for our elected officials to show us the utter contempt they hold us in than for them to speak to and treat us as imbeciles.”

Friday, August 22, 2014

Vice Presdent Speaks About the Middle East

BRANSON, MO (AIP) – Vice President Joseph Biden today lashed out at the growing strength of ISIS throughout the embattled Middle East and warning them at the United State is quickly losing patience with the violence and terror they are spreading.

“My God, what kind of name is ISIS?” said Biden, speaking to the crowd at the Moon River Theatre before the Three Redneck Tenors took the stage for their evening show. “I mean, they named their army after a 1970’s TV show? If I was in charge I would have named them something tougher like ‘The Jihad Tigers’ or ‘The Killers for Muhammed’.”

The Isis television show starred JoAnna Cameron and Brian Cutler and ran from 1975 to 1976 on CBS.

“It’s a little know fact that, after 9/11, I made a trip to the Butner Federal Correctional Complex and had a face to face with that Omar Abdel Rahman, the guy that masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, “said Biden. “I walked in and said ‘Hey Cleric, look me in the eye and tell me you want to kill me just because I’m Protestant’. Well, he couldn’t look me in the eye, the pussy.”

Later in his show Biden produced a Ventriloquist puppet ‘Hillary’ and in a twist, the dummy made Biden speak.

“Hey Joe,” said Hillary at a high point in the show. “Since you can’t call a spade a spade anymore because it isn’t PC, what do you grab from the backyard tool shed?”

“A democrat?” answered Biden.

The “An Evening with Joe” show opens for the Three Redneck Tenors at the Moon River Theatre at 2500 W 76 Country Blvd for the next three weeks.


Thursday, August 21, 2014

Right Now

Helicopter blades
Beat the air as it moved overhead
East to west and
Interrupted the silence
Before the sun came up and illuminated the ugliness around me
That street light moon light star light had soften
As I smoked and contemplated what goes on in your head
watching Venus
Raising in the eastern sky

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

White House Spokesman Announces Progress

WASHINGTON (AIP) – White House spokesman Eric Schultz, in his weekly press briefing on Wednesday assured the American people that the President has the situation “well in hand” and was nearing his goal of fulfilling the promise he made to the nation during his first State of the Union Address nearly six years ago.

“I am pleased to announce that the President is very near completing the promise he made,” said Schultz. “The President shot a 73 yesterday and should qualify as a scratch golfer by the end of his second term.

“His short game has come a long way and he has damn near perfected his draw. Frankly his sand saves have really improved and he’s putting the eyes out of it.”

Reporters later questioned Schultz about the situation in the Ukraine, the threat of the Middle Eastern Caliphate to long term US interests, the stagnate economy and China’s emergence as an Asian power.

“Did you people fucking hear me?” said Schultz. “He’s damn near a scratch golfer. He drilled a 37 foot winding putt yesterday and knocked it stiff from 240 yards on the 8th.”


Thursday, August 14, 2014

Sterling Buys New Team

LOS ANGELES (AIP) – Donald Sterling, forced to sell the Los Angeles Clippers basketball team by the National Basketball Association (NBA), announced today that he had inked a deal with Herschend Family Entertainment to purchase the Harlem Globetrotters and its sister exhibition squad the Washington Generals.

“Basketball is in my blood,” said Sterling. “Those people in the NBA can force me out, but I’m staying in the game.”

Mark Shapiro, spokesman for Sterling, said that the new owner plans to keep alive the tradition of the Globetrotters, but make a few changes to bring the concept into the 21st century.

“Well, we plan to move the team to Edgefield, South Carolina, to honor the memory of Senator Strom Thrumond, “said Shapiro. “And we’re going to alter the name to the Edgefield Globetrotters. And, of course, we plan to make the all white Generals the perennial victors over the African-American ‘Trotters, in order to follow Mr. Sterling’s business model.”

Famous Globetrotter alumni Meadowlark Lemon refused comment on the deal; however alumni teammate Fred “Curly” Neal did briefly go on the record.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” said Neal.


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Texas Stages Another Botched Execution

BROWNSVILLE, TX (AIP) – Notorious sexual predator and convicted killer Charlie Brown was put to death Wednesday night by lethal injection in what witnesses and prison officials was another example of a botched execution because of a problem with the chemical cocktail used to carry out the death sentence.

“He took over 45 minutes to die,” said prison Warden Bobby Bill McLean. “He spent three quarters of an hour strapped to the table screaming ‘good grief, good grief” over and over before finally succumbing. Frankly, we had hoped that it would take longer.”

Brown, who gained fame as a young cartoon character by displaying his unfocused angst coupled with a disturbing lack of motor skills and athletic ability, was convicted in the 1987 slaying of the Little Red-Haired Girl.

District Attorney Michael Brumfield, who prosecuted Brown for the murder, was a witness at the execution.

“Considering what he did to that little girl, I could have watched him writhe on that table for another couple hours,” said Brumfield. “He’s one sick son of a bitch and deserved everything he got.”

In Brown’s 1989 trial, Brumfield alleged that Brown lured the Little Red-Haired Girl from the school playground by asking her to help him find his lost puppy. He then abducted her, spent four days sexually assaulting her and finally killed her by beating her to death with a football kickoff tee. He then dumped her body in nearby Bloom County.

“I was appalled that he said that I was lost and used me to lure that little girl,” said Snoopy, Brown’s former pet beagle. “On the day in question I had smoked a bowl and was laying on top of my dog house digging the clouds and listening to Bob Marley. I was far from lost.

“Brown was one sick fuck. I just wish the execution had taken a lot longer than it did.”

Brown’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Brown also witnessed the execution and held a short press conference at its conclusion.

“Wawa wawa wawa Wa,” said Mrs. Brown to reporter, wiping tears from her eyes.

Warden Mclean said rumors that witnesses to the execution were calling for pop corn and sodas during the 45-minute ordeal were inaccurate.

“Didn’t happen,” said Mclean.

Death penalty opponents who normally stage protests and sit-ins during Texas executions were strangely absent during the proceedings.