Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Ryder Cup Team Taken Hostage

GLENNEAGLES, SCOTLAND (AIP) – Ryder Cup officials announced that the plane carrying the United States Ryder Cup team has been hijacked by terrorists connected with the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) and forced to divert and land somewhere in Northern Iraq and have threatened to behead each player on the team.

A spokesman for the Professional Golf Association (PGA) was quick to react.

“I hope they cut the fucking heads off of every one of those guys,” said PGA vice president Herb Langerfeld. “They embarrassed the entire nation with their weak-assed, duffer-like play. To ISIL I say ‘the sooner, the better’ and ‘send us video proof quickly’”.

Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Barak Obama was clearly angry with this latest development.

“I play a little golf myself and I, along with the rest of the country, was appalled at that piss poor collections of players,” said Obama. “The combined security forces of the United States will not, I repeat not, be looking to rescue the team. The possible exceptions to that being we might try to find Patrick Reed and Jordan Spieth. The others will get what they so richly deserve.”

Woman Killed At Orlando Theme Park

Orlando (AIP) – A 42-year old wife and mother of four was killed at Disney World’s Magic Kingdom Wednesday when what horrified onlookers say was a 7 foot grizzly bear mauled and partially ate the woman as she stood in line with her family outside Disney’s Space Mountain thrill ride.

“It was horrific,” said Megan Potter, from Toledo, OH, who watched the grizzly kill Amanda Sorreto just after 2:00 p.m.. “At first we all thought the bear was some sort of new animatronics or an actor in a costume. Then the thing clawed her with his paw and bite off most of her left shoulder. It chewed on her for a while and then just lumbered off.”

Disney officials were baffled by the event.

“We aren’t sure how a grizzly bear, which isn’t native to Florida, actually gained entry to the park,” said Disney Spokesman Conner Oday. “It’s the damndest thing.”

A similar death occurred at the park in 2012 when a pack of wolves killed several Chinese tourists near Splash Mountain. There was also an incident in 1989 when a Chupacabra took the life of a 14-year old girl scout outside Peter Pan’s Flight.

Legal experts point to the 1989 killing as the impetuous for the Florida Legislature to pass the 1990 “You’ve Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me” law that specifically exempts theme parks and other tourist destinations from legal liability when guests are killing in ways that are considered bizarre or strange.

“It’s like the law was tailor made for this incident,” said Osceola County Sheriff Dewayne Stutts. “We’ve decided not to investigate at all, other than to see if the law against feeding nuisance animals was violated.”

Sorreto’s husband Thomas said that he was saddened by the incident but he and his four children “still had a pretty fun day regardless.”

“The kids were sad at first but we had a blast later down on Main Street and they were just fine,” said Sorreto.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Moderate Islamic Group Receives Military Aid

WASHINGTON (AIP) – In what some are calling a stunning development, an envoy from the self-proclaimed non-radical Islamists For United Caring Universally faction (IFUCU) has arrived in the nation’s capitol to seek arms and financial support for their fight against the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL).

“We are not like those ISIL guys,” said IFUCU envoy Muhammad Abu-Penn, formerly a Huntington Beach, CA grocery store bag boy and part time convenience store clerk who traveled to Syria 18 months ago to allegedly wage war against ISIL. “We are the opposite of those people.

“We reattach the severed heads of decapitated western hostages, restore the hymens of girls raped by ISIL terrorists and reanimate the corpses of executed Iraqi soldiers. We’re the good guys you’ve been looking for.”

President Barak Obama met with Abu-Penn for five hours on Tuesday and had nothing but praise for IFUCU.

“These are really good folks,” said Obama at a joint news conference with Abu-Penn. “I have pledged Envoy Abu-Penn that the United States would provide both light and heavy weapons and $50,000,000.00 in direct financial aid to help in their fight against ISIL.”

Republican Senator Michael Nye (R, Nebraska) was skeptical of IFUCU’s claims.

“None of this has been independently verified,” said Nye. “Reattaching heads? Reanimating corpses? Restoring hymens? That is fantastical on its face. I have to call bullshit on all of this.“

Contacted hours after Senator Nye’s comments while boarding a cargo ship bound for Syria containing the bulk of promised weapons for the United States, Abu-Penn was dismissive of the Senator’s disbelief.

“That’s nonsense,” said Abu-Penn, waiving a $50,000,000.00 money order from the US government. “We’re those moderate Muslims that you people have been looking for for so long with such little success. We’re on your side. You can trust us. See ya.”

Thursday, September 18, 2014

NFL Commissioner Unveils New Domestic Violence Program

CANTON, OH (AIP) – Recognizing the need to stem the increasing incidents of domestic incidents among professional football players, Nation Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell, in a press conference at the Pro Football Hall of Fame, has announced that he has a put in motion a plan to quell the violence.

“This is a league problem and needs to be dealt with by the league and not the individual players,” said Goodell. “Far too many of our young men have fallen in with loud-mouth, no account, in your face ho’s and bitches. I personally plan to shut them up.”

To that end Goodell has announced that he has begun a program where he is personally traveling to every NFL team and individually ‘bitch-slapping and ho-bashing’ the wives and significant others of every player on the active roster of every one of the 32 teams.

Goodell has already made three visits.

“I have backhanded, bitch-slapped, cold cocked and ass whooped 156 women so far,” said Goodell. “I’ve scored 32 one-punch knock outs, 28 orbital bone or other facial fractures and I haven’t even counted the black eyes. I have a small black velvet bag jammed full of the teeth I have knocked out in an attempt to put these women in their place.

“If I didn’t do something we wouldn’t have enough non-suspended players to field teams on Sundays.”
All Pro running back Maurice Paddington is, for one, grateful that the league is finally taking action.

“I had no idea what a bitch Tammy was when I married her,” said Paddington. “Always with the mouth, that one. But after Commissioner Goddell’s little talk with her the bitch don’t say ‘Boo’ without express,written permission from the NFL. It’s going to take a while for her black eyes to go away but that’s a small price to pay.”

“I’ve got 29 teams left to deal with. That’s 1404 women to teach lessons to,” said Goodell. “All I can tell them is to watch their backs.”

Women’s rights groups, who have long complained about domestic violence in the NFL, were afraid to comment when contacted.

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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Hall Admits, Faces Music

LARGO, FL(AIP)- Largo resident Randy Hall admitted that he 'just didn't have the juice' to hang with friends Michelle and Bill.

"Hall said 'lets go out and hang'" said Michelle. "We took him up on the offer and he bailed."

"Fuck me, I got 12 years on both of them combined," said Hall. "DAMN."

"Clearly Hall pussied out on us," said Michelle, speaking on the condition that we use her first name only. "Jeez, since I've known him he's been damn near worthless. "

Critics of Hall had a field day.

"Yep, I knew it", said Colleen Brown. "Loser."

"I'd like to squeeze his throat closed, but the son of a bitch has no neck", said Debbie Johnson, one of Hall's former wives.

Bill was more forgiving.

"Damn it, the man's a zero," said Bill. "Can we move on? Nothing to see here."

"I wish he would just die," said Michelle "Why won't he die?"

Monday, September 15, 2014

Hillhouse Stays The Course

SODDY-DAISY, TN (AIP) – Despite the fact that she occasionally ‘gets snaky’ Chad Hillhouse is still happy with his high maintenance girlfriend Lakota Custard whose outbursts of anger and stored up distrust have almost cost Hillhouse his life on more than one occasion.

“Oh, she’s definitely a cunt,” said Hillhouse, sipping a beer beside the pool at his parent’s home where he retreated after their last blowout. “She’s embarrassed me in front of friends, gone off on me in public and has pitched a bitch when she thought a waitress wasn’t being deferential enough to her at a diner, but I’ve learned to overlook most of it. I guess she’s okay in my book.”

Hillhouse’s friends disagree.

“She actually snapped her fingers under my nose like some proctor in an English public school,” said long-time Hillhouse friend Vander Mitchell. “She thought I was being disrespectful to her when Chad and I were joking about string theory one night in a physics discussion at the bar. She thought I was laughing about her. She was dead wrong and I would have punched her in the mouth but Chad gave me that ‘sorry dude’ look so I just let it go."

“Mega-bitch,” said Dr. Maurice McMillan, a childhood friend of Hillhouse and his personal physician. “She has a black heart. Seriously, I’m her doctor and have seen the color doppler sonograms of the thing. It’s black as a coal mine at midnight.

“Chad confided in me that the girl has to sleep in a freezer once a week to keep the blood in her veins ice cold.”

Nevertheless, Hillhouse has stated that he intends to remain with Custard.

“Really, she’s okay the majority of the time,” he said. “I mean, don’t most girls destroy the crockery and flatten the tires of the men they love? I mean, I can put up with it. Everything I say and do and think is ripe for misinterpretation and she gainsays my every positive action. Let's put is this way, I'm listening to one hell of a lot of Nirvana and really identifying with it.”

Friday, September 12, 2014


LARGO (AIP) - Today, September 12, 2014, the author of this blog can think of absolutely nothing funny to write about. I am, oddly, at a loss.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Franklin Mint Rolls Out New Coin

COATESVILLE, PA (AIP) – The Franklin Mint is proud to announce the sale of its limited edition one ounce silver Ray Rice KO Dollar Coin, a proof edition one dollar piece commemorating that fateful night in Atlantic City when former Pro Bowl Football Star Rice dropped his soon to be wife with a stunning one punch knockout.

“It’s a remarkable collectable,” said Franklin Mint spokesman Marilyn Congreves. “Our engravers have absolutely captured the moment, taken directly from the grainy black and white surveillance video, that illustrates the stunning power and exquisite delivery of perhaps the most famous elevator knockout of all time.

“It’s a beautiful collectable and a wonderful hedge against inflation.”

This one ounce, 99.999 pure silver bas relief coin, struck for and legal tender in the South Sea island Republic of Nauru, features an image of Mr. Rice on the obverse, sculpted from his 2013 team picture, above the unforgettable inscription In Blunt Force Trauma We Trust. The reverse side of the coin captures the moment when Rice’s closed fist fractured the orbital bone in his soon to be spouse Janay Palmer’s face.

“You can almost feel the pain Palmer must have felt just nanoseconds before she went lights out and hit the floor like a sack of potatoes,” said Congreves. “This beautiful coin really captures that moment.”

Each coin comes in a beautifully executed black and purple presentation box with a certificate of authenticity, signed with Rice’s mark. A limited run of 400,000 coins will be struck.

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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Withers Makes Surprise Announcement

ALTOONA,PA (AIP) – Tuesday Karl Withers, at the usual daily briefing on his mental outlook, shocked reporters by announcing that he’feels pretty good today’, a sharp departure from his normal gloomy end of the world disposition.

"Not really sure why, but I’m kind of upbeat this morning,” said Withers, speaking as usual from the poarch of his double wide mobile home. “It’s odd, because I normally don’t feel this way and I really can’t put my finger on why the change, so I’ll just go with it.”

Careful fact checking revealed that Withers hasn’t reported feeling good since March 3, 2002 and that only lasted till noon.

Withers refused to speculate how long this good feeling might last.

“Life’s a minefield that we’re all dancing on,” said Withers. “Anything can set me off: bad news at work, the wrong song on the radio, a glance from a stranger. You never know. But right now I’m doing ok.”

Experts expect Withers to be distraught by 4:00 p.m. at the latest, when he once again realizes his actual disadvantaged position in the uncaring and fundamentally malignant universe that he inhabits.

“He hasn’t got a chance to make it 24 hours feeling good,” said Dr. Michael Bettis, professor at the University of Pennslyvania’s Mctrick School of Moods. “Once he comes down from his false euphoric high and understands how truly fucked he really is, the lightheartedness will disappear.”

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Administration Announces Anti-ISIS Measures

WASHINGTON (AIP) – Vowing to make good on Vice President Joseph Biden’s promise to “send them to hell”, on Thursday the United States Department of Veterans Affairs offered to provide the same quality medical care that United State military veterans receive to all soldiers injured fighting for the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS).

“This should effectively destroy ISIS as a fighting force in almost no time,” said Veterans Affairs spokesman Les Goldman. “The initial treatment wait time alone should kill off most of the more severely wounded and once we take the others in for treatment the problem will be solved, if you know what I mean.”

The move is just one of the economic measures the Obama Administration is considering in the war against ISIS. The Administration is also contemplating taking away the Lifeline Assistance and Lifeline Linkup phones – widely known as the Obama Phones – which the government has provided to ISIS fighters who qualify because of low income.

“Most of the tweets and YouTube uploads depicting scenes of massacre and destruction from the war zone have come via these phones,” said administration spokesman Josh Earnest. “Take away the free phones and problem solved.”

Earnest said that the administration is also considering making ISIS fighters ineligible for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), Pell educational grants and the U.S. Housing and Urban Development rental assistance program.

“These economic sanctions, while harsh, should have ISIS crying ‘uncle’ in almost no time,” said Earnest.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Obama Announces A Shakeup In Government

SAN CLEMENTE, CA (AIP) – President Barack Obama today announced that the White House, home to presidents since 1800, would no longer be his official residence and that he would be moving into the exclusive Talega Golf Club, located in Orange County.

“The President has been under a great deal of stress and needs to relax,” said Obama, speaking to reporters while lagging putts on the practice green beside the first tee box. “I can’t think of a better place for the President to kick back and get centered than on this beautiful par 72 Freddie Couples designed course.”

The President said that any mail for him can be sent care of the Talega Golf Club and phone calls requiring his attention can be made to Jimmie, master bartender in the club’s Signature Grille Restaurant, whom he will check with frequently for messages.

“The President is firm in his decision,” said former White House and now Talega Golf Club spokesman Josh Earnest. “He feels that the living in the White House doesn’t allow him to understand how the common folk live and play. By taking up residence at the exclusive Talega Club he will be able to rub elbows with ordinary men and women.”

The President, while playing a high stakes poker game with club members in the men’s locker room after a grueling 18 holes of grinding sand saves and snaking putts, said that the change was necessary in order for him to accomplish his goals as president.

“When I’m in Washington all I hear are questions about ISIL, or the Ukraine, or Ferguson,” said an obviously irritated Obama. “Here we can shoot the shit, have a couple drinks and just kick back. And the club's hyper-restrictive membership requirements will go a long way toward protecting me from the riff raff that I’m had to stomach for the last six years.”

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Local Girl Strikes Out

WEBER CITY, VA (AIP)- In what experts are calling the upset of the decade, Cathy Ann MacArthur was unable to find an inebriated local male to have sexual intercourse with at the J&K State Line Bar and Grill Friday night, despite her surgically augmented breasts, low cut neck line and obvious intentions.

“I was putting it out there,” said MacArthur, contacted at her mother’s home Saturday afternoon. “I would have fucked about anything that walked last night. I mean, I just didn’t care. I was bending over low when spoken to and spread my legs pretty wide when I got up to go piss so the boys could see I wasn’t wearing underwear but nothing was effective.”

Local auto mechanic and known slut hound Mickey Slaughters, who is usually ‘on it’ as the residents of the small town of Weber City say, was at the bar that evening and would normally have ‘hit it’ as local residents also often say, but didn’t.

“Yeah, she’s got the rack and some buddies have told me that she can suck-start a Boeing 787 Dreamliner,” said Slaughters, making jerky from a deer he poached out of season just outside the city limits. “Friday night I saw her at the bar and thought I might hit it, but I was really in the mood to discuss the poetry of Allen Ginsberg, the film career of Joseph Cotton or the artistic endeavors of van Gogh when he suffered hallucinations induced by absinthe, you know, the ‘high yellow’ paintings. I didn’t just want a bang and bye.”

Bartender Stacey McMartin, serving that night and the J&K was amazed.

"She was really slutting it up and frankly that was about the lowest cut top I've seen on a heavily chested woman," said McMartin. "She kept playing those CeeLo Green songs on the jukebox but no one was hitting on her. It was odd, because they say she can suck-start a Boeing.

"After about 9 p.m. her nipples looked like Titlieist Pro v1's and she clearly wasn't wearing panties. But the boys were at the other end of the bar arguing about the lyrics from the HMS Pinafore> and paid her no mind."

Despite the setback MacArthur said she would attempt meaningless and potentially dangerous unprotected sex with strangers again next Friday evening.

“I’ll pretty much do whatever they want,” said MacArthur. “Anal, oral, jerking them off with my feet; whatever they want. I got these pretty expensive tits and somebody is going to suck these nipples.”

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