Wednesday, December 31, 2014

UCLA Professor Releases Internet Book

LOS ANGELES (AIP) – In his stunning new book ‘How The Web Was Made’, University of California computer science Professor Leonard Kleintop, one of the men on the scene, gives readers the interesting and little known history of the early days of what has become the internet, and how it changed the world forever.

“Several of us computer science guys from UCLA and Stanford got together in the early 1960s and tried to figure out a way we could swiftly and easily exchange pornography and information on both getting a larger penis and meeting hot local women,” said Kleintop, in an interview at a Barnes and Nobles book signing on Thursday. “I was able to send the first message over what was then known as ARPANET from our lab to Stanford. It was a picture of a topless coed.”

Stanford computer science Professor Max Hastings received that first message at Sanford’s Research Institute.

“That bitch was hot,” said Hastings. “But I knew in order to impress her I had to have information on how to achieve a larger, longer-lasting erection. Professor Kleintop was able to message me that information over the ARPANET. I now have a cock the size of an anaconda thanks to the breakthrough.”

That breakthrough was just the beginning of the World Wide Web we use today.

“It wasn’t long after that that we scientists, utilizing government research grants, found a way to stream pornographic video between the nodes,” said Hastings. “We had to overcome several technical problems but were finally able stream child pornography in August of 1968.”

Former Vice President Al Gore, who Kleintop said had ‘absolutely nothing’ to do with the development of the internet, wrote the forward to the book.

“You can find local hot girls for dating, see dirty pictures and movies, gamble, view Middle East beheadings, play games, post your inane and boring thoughts, threaten others, find conspiracy theories, I mean anything you want,” writes Gore. “I can pick out a hooker from a large list on a website from my home in Tennessee, fly halfway around the world in my private jet and have that bitch waiting in my hotel room at the Global Climate Change Conference in Christchurch, New Zeland.

"The web is pretty whiz-bang.”

Friday, December 26, 2014

North Korea Launches Second Hack Attack

MIDLAND, TX (AIP) – Officials at Plano Middle School on West Story Avenue have announced that a computer hacking attack that can be traced back to North Korean People’s Army occurred at the school over the weekend, with hackers publishing the grade point average of every child at the school on YouTube.

“We had previously received a communication from the North Korean Foreign Office warning us that if the school allowed the 8th grade production of ‘Othello’ to be performed next Friday there would be consequences,” said Principal Martin Douglas. “They’ve hacked our computers and embarrassed some of our students very badly.”

Unknown in most of the West, internal propaganda in North Korea has led the people of that county to believe that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un is the person that William Shakespeare based the character Othello on. In fact, the people of North Korea believe that every popular character in Shakespeare’s plays is based on the life and antics Kim Jong-un.

“Apparently the government of North Korea felt that an amateur production of Othello would bring shame on their leader,” said Douglas.

The North Korean embassy in Beijing released a warning two weeks ago, stating that that if Plano Jr. High’s production went forward, North Korea would consider the production ‘an act of war’.

“Jeez, it’s kids doing a play,” said Douglas. “We thought the People's Army was joking.”

Douglas and other school officials had apparently not been informed of the 2012 incident when two North Korean Su-7BMK ground attack aircraft bombed California's Jerry Brown High School in retaliation for a student production of ‘Two Gentlemen of Verona’.

Douglas said that the play is on hold at the moment.

“We’re putting the play off until we can find the money in the budget to have a surplus anti-aircraft missile battery installed next to the swings on the playground,” said Douglas. “Then it’s lights, camera, action.”

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Old Rhyme Has A Ring of Truth

ALBANY, NY (AIP) – Virtually every child in American grew up repeating the rhyme ‘If the name ends in Tae, you stay away’ along with ‘Ring Around the Rosy’ and ‘Three Blind Mice’. Unlike the others It now seems as though the Tae rhyme has some truth to it.

“Ten years of statistics prove conclusively that over 87 percent of the violent crimes committed in the United States are committed by someone named either Diontae or Jovantae,” said William Miller, head of the National Crime Research Office in Albany. “More than three quarters of all murders, sexual assaults, armed robberies and carjackings are committed by a Tae.

"The statistics indicate that men whose name ends in Tae are excessively violent and sociopathic."

The numbers are so alarming that civil rights leader Rev. Jessie Jackson has created a Public Service Announcement that the major television networks are running urging women giving birth to carefully consider the name they give their new child.

“If you tag the end of your child’s name with Tae, there’s every chance that he will spend the majority of his life housed in a prison,” says Jackson in the ad. “Don’t destroy your son’s life before it’s even begun.”

Retired corrections officer James Van Winkle doesn’t need the Crime Research Office report to recognize the devastating effect Tae has on a young man’s life.

“That’s why we give them numbers when they come into the Department of Corrections,” said Van Winkle, a 35 year veteran in the corrections field. “Every other one was either a fucking Diontae or Jovantae. It was too hard to keep them straight if we called them by name.”

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Obama Propounds Another Executive Action

WASHINGTON (AIP) – President Barack Obama, following up on his recent executive orders on immigration and normalization of relations with the Nation of Cuba, stunned reporters Thursday by announcing that he has ordered the word ‘white’ to be replaced with ‘peckerwood’ in all Federal documents and ‘white’ to be expunged from the English language.

“The American people wanted me to take bold action, with or without congress,” said Obama in a press conference from the Rose Garden. “The vast majority of Americans hate and are ashamed by the word ‘white’. From now on, what used to be called ‘white’ will be called ‘peckerwood’.”

Crayola Crayon, Maytag and Nestle were just a few of the companies that began scrambling late Thursday to comply with the new Federal rule and rename their products.

“We’re recalling about 7 million boxes of crayons to re-label the crayon in question as the color peckerwood,” said Crayola spokesman Milton Gumbo. “We’ve been told that if we don’t we’d be in violation and have to pay taxes up to 48 percent of our corporate earnings. We’re happy to comply.”

Republic Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) said that his party’s leadership is highly miffed at the President’s unilateral action.

“We’re highly miffed,” said Boehner. “We might think about possibly doing something eventually to correct this overstep by the President.”

Obama said that he has assurances from England and most other English speaking countries to make the same change and remove ‘white’ from the English lexicon.

“’White’ is finished as a valid English word,” said Obama. "From now on it's 'peckerwood'".

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Rolling Stones Richards Suing The Government

WASHINGTON (AIP) – Attorney’s for Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards today filed suit in Washington claiming that the United States Mint has stolen his image and used that likeness on the face of every $20 bill produced since 1928, just after the Stones had toured the US in support of their first album “Model T Monkey Man”.
“Mr. Richards was in the States, touring in support of the band’s first album and a newspaper man, working for Hearst, did a line drawing to accompany his review of the concert in Philadelphia,” said Richard’s attorney Sid Luckman.  “Everyone in the country has seen that drawing because the Mint co-opted  the image and slapped it on the $20.”
Richard’s suit asks for royalties for every $20 bill ever minted, at 9 cents for per bill or roughly $14,940,000 in damages.
“And we don’t want it in $20’s,” said Luckman.

Rumor has it that Nancy Pelosi (D-California) will be making the same legal argument in regards to her paralell suit concerning the $5 bill.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Christmas Confession

Okay… okay. I’ll tell you what you want to know. What you already know.

I guess I just couldn’t stand it anymore…

It wasn’t December 23 like the papers said, it was earlier than that. Maybe the 15th or 16th. I’m not really sure. I had been drinking pretty heavily so things- dates and time – are hazy at best, but it was before the 23rd.

He was sitting in the living room. Just sitting, like usual. He never talked, never acknowledged me. He would just sit for hours sometimes. Watching. Listening. And I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was fed up with it.

I came from behind him and I hit him. I hit him with the roofing hammer I’d used the past summer to replace the shingles over the family room that the storm had blown off. I hit him hard in the back of the head. He fell forward and there was blood, but no sound other than when I hit him. Like a watermelon falling from the kitchen counter and hitting the floor. That thump.

I duct taped his mouth and eyes. He was still breathing. He wasn’t that heavy. I carried him to my car and put him in the trunk.

I drove around for awhile. Finally to the beach. Johns Pass. It was late, after 3. There wasn’t any traffic.

I stopped at the top of the bridge, pulled him out of the trunk. He was still alive I think. I threw him over the side.

Do I feel bad? No. I feel relieved. All the way home that night I remember thinking that he got what he deserved. He was a snitch. “Elf on the Shelf’ will never trouble me again. To this day I think I did the right thing. I’d do it again.”

- Excerpt from video confession. State of Florida v. Randy Hall CRC13-20916CFANO, CT 1: MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE; CT 2: UNLAWFUL DUMPING OF PLUSH TOY.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Appeals Court Upholds Lower Court Finding

DENVER (AIP) – The 10th Circuit Federal Appeals Court today upheld the lower court's of $187 million to the plaintiff's in the class action lawsuit in which the Cartoon Actors Guild (CAG) claimed that the Acme Corporation, based in Las Vegas, had engaged in ‘dangerous and lax product development’that had caused the death and injury of over 70 Guild members.

““This is a major victory for my clients,” said attorney Stu York, lead attorney for CAG. “The Acme Corporation produced some horrible implements which they knew or should have known were inherently dangerous and would eventually maim or kill cartoon characters. Those people had no quality control.”

York cited the horrific death of actor Wile E. Coyote on the set of the film Going! Going! Gosh! on August 23, 1952.

“The script called for fellow actor Road Runner to drop an Acme anvil on my client’s head,” said York. “It was supposed to be a prop anvil, but Acme had inadvertently provided a real 160 lb. anvil. Needless to say my client's skull was crushed. That’s just one example of Acme’s bad faith and lax product control.

“Then there’s the incident in Duck Dodgers in the 241/2th Century when Marvin the Martin used what he thought was a prop Acme Disintegrating Pistol, but which turned out to be the real thing and actually disintegrated Daffy Duck. Mr. Duck’s family was devastated.”

Unlike many other cases, the money the plaintiffs receive from Acme may well make things better.

"This is about the money," said York. "My clients plan to hire some highly talented artists who may possibly be able to redraw their lost loved ones. Reanimate them, if you will."

Attorneys for the Acme Corporation said they will appeal the ruling.


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

CDC Confirms First Outbreak Of Ebola In US

ATLANTA (AIP) – Dr. Geoffrey Spellman, spokesman for the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today confirmed that there are, in fact, 72 confirmed cases of Ebola among residents of the small town of Soddy-Daisy,a small town near Chattanooga, Tennessee.

“The tests have come back positive,” said Spellman. “There are 72 citizens of Soddy-Daisy out of an entire population of only 12,000 who have the disease. We are taking all possible steps to contain this outbreak.”

At first responders from the CDC were mystified as how it was that a rural town like Soddy-Daisy could suddenly be home to the first major North American outbreak of the disease. Soon, however, they found the answer.

“All of the victims received an email from a supposed recently deposed Nigerian prince offering to split his vast wealth with the individuals if they agreed to allow the prince to deposit his entire fortune into their bank accounts as soon as they forwarded, via Western Union, a small transfer fee,” said Spellman. “The 72 infected folks actually opened those emails and were immediately infected with the virus.”

The CDC has long issued warnings about not opening emails from Nigeria, Sierra Leone or any other West African nation.

“Ebola doesn’t kill,” said Spellman. “Stupidity and greed kill. If you’re a Caucasian American from the Deep South who’s never been more than 15 miles from your birthplace, don’t expect to be picked to receive a fortune from someone you’ve never known. That’s just having shit for brains.”

Monday, December 8, 2014

New Paper Refutes Previous Beliefs

CAMBRIDGE, MA (AIP) – Naturalist and researcher Dr. Michael Bovine, head of the School of Lavatory Science at Harvard University, has published a scientific paper in Biological Review that claims his research has shown that the natural position of the toilet seat is ‘up’, putting to rest that age-old question.

“Our team has studied thousands of naturally occurring toilets in the Amazon basin and has found that, in nature, the toilet seat itself is always in the upright position until moved by man,” said Bovine. “It has become a powerful but erroneous myth in western culture that the seat should be in the down position. We’ve proved that conclusively.

"It's settled science. Anyone who disagrees is just pretty much a Luddite."

Women For Fair Treatment (WFFT) President Gladys McMahon vehemently disagreed with the paper’s findings.

“That is bullshit,” said McMahon. “You ever sat down on a cold porcelain bowl in the middle of the night? Ever gone straight into the fucking water? I have. God didn’t mean it to be this way.”

The Very Reverend James Howard, head of the Washington National Cathedral, was inclined to disagree with McMahon.

“The Bible makes no specific reference to the natural position of the toilet seat,” said Howard. “There are some vague references to bowel movements in the second book of James, but nothing that would allow an expert to extrapolate that the seat’s natural and God-ordered position is down. That leaves plenty of room for Dr. Bovine’s hypothesis to be correct.”

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Fundraiser To Be Held For Boy Stricken By Blindness

SANDUSKY, OH (AIP) – The local chapter of the Shriners International will be holding a fundraiser for 12-year old Mickey Johnson who went blind as a result of incessant masturbation, although his mother had repeatedly warned him might happen, this Saturday at the Jackson Street Pier.

“He wouldn’t listen,” said mother Tara Johnson at a press conference announcing the fundraiser. “We couldn’t leave him alone in a room with one of those Housewives shows on the TV without returning to find him jerking off like one of those monkeys in the Chimp House at the Zoo. I told him that if he didn’t stop he’d go blind but he wouldn’t listen.”

Johnson had been repeatedly warned by his mother that overwhelming scientific and anecdotal evidence has shown a clear link between jerking off and complete blindness. In spite of the evidence, he merely increased the frequency of his self-eroticism, pushing the limits of endurance.

“It’s settled science,” his mother told reporters. "I knew it wouldn't end happily.

"“When the other kids would be outside riding bikes or playing basketball Mickey would be in his room, watching the 3rd season of Bay Watch on Blue Ray and hammering Hal.”

Young Johnson, who formerly played short stop on his little league team and enjoyed camping and riding his bike, seemed unrepentant at the visitation of divine retribution for his sins of commission.

“Frankly I enjoyed running a batch,” said Johnson. "I really enjoyed making little elvis vomit."

Saturday’s fundraiser will include games for the children, numerous food vendors and an educational workshop about the dangers of pulling the pud.

“We want to get the message out that running a batch of knuckle kids has consequences,” said fundraising organizer Julian DelCato. “Unfortunately most young men don’t realize that blindness is a direct result of excessive burping the worm. Sure, it’s fun while you do it, but there’s a price to pay.”

Guess speaker at the fundraiser will be Ray Charles, national spokesman for the Don’t Snap One Off Foundation. For more information or tickets visit the group’s website at www.ifyoudon’

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Obama Announces Latest Executive Action

FERGUSON, MO (AIP) – Saying that he was tired of the ‘honky bullshit’ President Barack Obama today flew to Ferguson and announced that the White House will offer a $100,000 bounty for the capture of former Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson ‘dead or alive’.

“If I had a son he would have looked like Trayvon and if I had a second son he would have looked like Michael Brown,” said Obama to a gathering of reporters outside of a recently burned down grocery store in Ferguson. “I can’t wait for these white devils to kill off my entire imaginary family before taking action.

“The American people are tired of congress not passing legislation that allow black folks to ignore any law that they don’t like. I’ve got a pen and a phone and a Glock and I’m going to use them.”

The Reverend Al Sharpton was ecstatic about the president’s latest edict.

“We’re going to show white American just how angry we are about… things,” said Sharpton. “The example of Gandhi showed just how effective non-violent looting and arson can be for a people seeking freedom.

The White House website – – announced that the $100,000 bounty would be paid when Wilson’s body is produced at the gate of the White House. No questions will be asked. Officials will accept Wilson’s head in lieu of the entire body.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Buccaneers File Suit Against Health Care Company

TAMPA (AIP) – The National Football League’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers have filed a civil law suit against Ammogenesis Health Group, alleging that the team has paid the company upwards of $120,000 to provide its players with performance enhancing drugs that the team claims were ‘substandard’.

“We’ve paid Ammogenesis a lot of money to provide our players with top-shelf HGH, Beta-2 Agonists, dimethylamphentamine and Ritalin, among other things,” said team spokesman Marc Thibadoux. “That’s a lot of money to be 2 and 10. Clearly our guys aren’t getting the same quality of drugs that the Eagles or Cardinals are taking.”

“That’s bullshit,” countered Link Christianson, President of Ammogenesis. “The thing is, you’ve got to have a modicum of talent for these drugs to be effective. The Bucs just don’t. I could pump every player on that team full of pure cocaine and they still couldn’t beat Oakland.”

Longtime fans agree.

“The only way our team wins more than two games is if the visiting team happens to fly Malaysian Airlines,” said fan club president Marvin Isabella. “All the drugs in the world aren’t gonna enhance the performance of these losers.”