Friday, February 27, 2015

Burlington Makes Fatal Error

DAVIE, FL (AIP) - Chad Burlington, displaying a youthful mistake attributable to his limited experience with women, exposed a major flaw in his strategic 'get laid' game plan Friday evening when he committed the fatal error of putting fresh towels in the bathroom before his girlfriend Molly Richards arrived early in the evening.

"She had been working all day at the Hallmark store and told me she always feels dirty when she leaves work and might want a shower before we go out for the evening," said Burlington. "So I put fresh towels in the bathroom. She arrived at 6, had a glass of wine and went to get a shower. That's when all hell broke lose."

Molly takes the story from there.

"I was in the bathroom. I had taken my clothes off and started the water in the shower, waiting for it to heat up," said Molly, visibly shaken from her ordeal. "Then the bath towel told me I 'had a great ass' and the wash clothes said I was a 'pretty young thing', had a 'bitchin bod" and wanted my phone number.

"The linens were pretty fresh. They brushed my shoulder. I felt objectified, humiliated and a little threatened."

The Hand Towel, unaccused in the incident, spoke to reporters in an attempt to minimize his friends indiscretions.

"They were fresh, admittedly, " said the Towel. "They had a few in them. They were just being playful."

"I apologized repeatedly about having the fresh towels out, " said Burlington. "I even spoke to the kitchen sponge and bar wipe about their behavior to make sure they didn't get out of line. Molly was inconsolable. I feel horrible."

Molly is weighing her options.

"Chad is really cute, but the linens he hangs out with are rude, sexist jerks," she said. "I'm not sure what I plan to do."

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Rockaway Announces Baby Product Recall

PLYMOUTH, MA (AIP) – Manufacturer Rockaway Inc, world’s largest and oldest producer of boughs, has announced a recall of its 2015 Sierra model bough after 15 infants have suffered injury and three died in the last seven months.

“It’s about time these monsters did the right thing and got the Sierra off the shelves,” said consumer advocate James Vanderpelt. “It’s is inherently dangerous and in some cases deadly.”

In all 18 cases of injury or death in the last seven months, the Rockaway Sierra boughs have broken, causing the cradle and the baby contained within to fall.

Rockaway has agreed to the recall, but defends its product.

“There are clear warnings on all our products as to proper installation and usage,” said Rockaway spokesman Charles Deleo. “They are not to be used higher than 15 feet above the ground; cradles are not to be placed on our boughs if winds higher than 25 knots are expected. If customers ignore the warning labels, babies are going to die.

“Baby cradle riding on boughs is an extreme sport, like baby skydiving or baby cave diving, and not for the amature infant. Some of these dead babies didn't have the necessary skill set to cradle ride. Some of them attempted to use our product in dangerous weather conditions just for the thrill of it.”

Parents of the victims disagree.

“My baby was an extreme sports aficionado: an ice climber, a paraglider” said Marci Rosenberg, whose 6-month old baby Willie was killed when the bough he was riding broke. “He knew what he was doing. The equipment failed him. Rockaway failed him.

"I had to stand there and watch the bough break and the cradle fall. It came down, baby and all."

Babies “R” Us is offering a full refund to all customers who have purchased the 2015 Sierra Model.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Vice President Arrested Again

NEW YORK (AIP) – Vice President Joseph Biden was arrested Thursday by New York City Police after base jumping from the 86th floor of the Empire State Building, when his parachute strings got tangled in a light post.

“It was fucking awesome,” said Biden, while being led away by police to be booked in. “It was the best rush in the whole fucking world.”

Biden, who has a history of base jumping from tall building around the country, was unrepentant.
“It’s the rush,” said Biden. “There’s nothing else like it this side of cocaine.”

Biden was previously arrested and charged with trespassing after base jumping from the Statue of Liberty.

“I was wearing a Go Pro on that jump,” said Biden. “You ought to see the footage. It still takes my breath away.”

Biden was released after posting a $50 bond.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Barton's Streak Ends

TAMPA (AIP) – Robert Barton had no answers when questioned by reporters Thursday about why he didn’t attend happy hour at the Twisted Soul on Wednesday evening, bringing to an end his national record of 1182 consecutive evenings ‘having a couple’ after work.

“I don’t know what came over me,” said Barton, whose clear eyes and lack of hand tremors stunned co-workers at the Milton Heart Stint Factory on Dale Mabry. “I just thought that I’d like to go home and maybe make some dinner and watch TV.

“It’s funny because up until this morning I thought everyone just naturally came to work and vomited in the second floor bathroom.”

Barton’s streak of slightly over three years attending happy hour every work night – evenings that rarely ended before midnight – broke the old record held by Martin Clay of Tupelo, MS., who posted 964 consecutive evenings in the late 90’s. Fans agree that Barton’s accomplishment – he has been and is still employed – far outshines the unemployed Clay’s achievement.

“Once I got home yesterday I was surprised to find that I got basically the same channels on my living room TV that they have down at Twisted,” said Barton. “There were some people in my apartment when I got there and it took me about an hour to recognize them as my wife and daughter.”

Barton’s neighbor, Angela McCormick, called police when she saw him enter his apartment Wednesday at 5:30 p.m...

“I had never seen him before,” said McCormick. “I thought he was a burglar.”


Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Ask Heloise

Hey Heloise,

I am part of a student group at Brown University that will be traveling to the Levant this summer for our class in ancient history. I have been told by others that it’s considered ‘bad form’ and offensive to the locals to apply hair gel or pomade on the morning when I will be decapitated. Is this correct?

Perplexed in Providence.

Dear Perplexed,

What you’ve heard is correct. Hair gel, pomade and wax are all considered no no’s on the morning of your beheading by ISIS. The native fighters are highly offended by such products.

From a practical point of view hair gel and the like cause the hair to become slippery, making it harder for your executioner to grip the scalp while sawing away at the throat. If you feel compelled to wear any hair product, I would recommend a quality mousse, which increases the volume of your hair and gives the executioner better control of your skull.

Enjoy your class trip.


DHS Issues New Travel Restrictions

WASHINGTON (AIP) - In light of the most recent attempt to blow up a commercial airliner - the bungled attempt by so-called ‘Breakfast Bomber’ Sami el Am - the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has ordered all transportation companies including airlines, trains, subways and buses to stop selling green eggs and ham to travelers.

“You cannot get them on a plane, you cannot get them on a train,” said DHS spokesman Martin Leverock. “You cannot purchase green eggs and ham. You cannot purchase them because of Sami el Am.”

In August of this year el Am boarded a commercial flight originating in London and while in route to Washington’s Reagan National Airport attempted to ignite what appeared to be a normal breakfast of green eggs and ham but was in fact military grade explosive HMX, fashioned to look like breakfast and smuggled onto the plane by accomplices. Passengers thwarted his attempt.

On Thursday airlines scrambled to find replacement breakfasts for hungry passengers.

“Green eggs and ham have been the nation’s number one breakfast food for generations,” said Southwest Airlines vice president Carolyn Jackson. “This new regulation is really going to anger our customers.”


Monday, February 16, 2015

Addison Chair Makes Breakthrough

DETROIT (AIP) – The Addison Chair Company has announced a breakthrough in office chair technology that will lock the chairs swivel mechanism, keeping the seat turned in the precise position that the last user left it until the user returns.

“Thank goodness scientists have finally found a way to keep the chair in place,” said Sixth Circuit Senior Court Clerk Kelli Martinez. “I have hated standing up to swear witnesses in and then sitting back down only to catch the chair arm in the crack of my ass. The damn thing swivels when I stand up. It’s embarrassing and annoying and sometimes pretty painful.”

Addison lead researcher Max Thorton is proud of his team’s the breakthrough.

“This is going to be particularly helpful to those court clerks who suffer from hemorrhoids,” said Thorton.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Apple offers New Valentine App

CUPERTINO, CA (AIP) Apple Incorporated has a new smart phone App that will be ready in time for Valentine’s Day this Saturday. The App allows the smart phone user to send his or her ex-paramour a faux instant message that causes the former lover to feel the incredible despair and emptiness that the App user felt when that lying bitch or bastard dumped them.

“It’s really an amazing application,” said Apple spokesman Stuart Mixton. “When the target opens the message you’ve sent, which isn't a text message at all but a cutting edge, psycho-electronic mind altering, military grade attack application, they are immediately plunged into a depressed night of the dark soul that the sender experienced for months after the target betrayed him or her."

Developed by recently jilted and revenge seeking 19-year old Chad Michaels of Pennington Gap, VA, who still can't come out of his room, the application allows the user to send an instant message to the asshole that lied about the depth of their feelings and their commitment to the former relationship.

The application transmits the message, which defeats the call block that the jerk has placed on your incoming calls and texts, searches the target’s cell to find the phone number of the new love of their life and makes its malevolent electronic package appear to come from that phone number.

“When the target opens the text, they are emotionally destroyed for up to four hours,” said Mixton. “They don’t feel like eating or going to work. They simply can’t face the day. All they really want to do is sit in their bedroom and listen to Creed and Air Supply and cry uncontrollably.”

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Black Singers File Federal Lawsuit

NEW YORK (AIP) – Singers Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder and Art Tatum have filed suit in federal court, charging that camera manufacturers Nikon and Konica Minolta have conspired together to deny blind black musicians the ability to take museum quality photographs.

“These two leading major manufacturers of imaging products have purposely kept my clients from taking good snapshots,” said attorney Marc Tomlin, speaking for the plaintiff’s. “It’s all been about keeping blind black singers from recording their memories. It’s racist and disgusting.”

Kelly Benton-Charles, spokesman for Konica Minolta, denies his company had shown of pattern of discrimination.

“While it is true that sighted white musicians, most notably John Denver and Steve Miller, tend to take better photographs, our company has certainly not engineered in any technology in our products that preclude blind black singers from taking wonderful vacations shots at Disney or the Grand Canyon,” said Benton-Charles.

The Reverend Al Sharpton spoke to an angry crowd of visually impaired non-Caucasians outside federal court on Wednesday.

“First we’re going to redress the violation of civil rights these two camera makers have perpetuated, then we’re going after Volvo and Volkswagen,” said Sharpton. “We’re tired of those car companies building automobiles that blind black singers and musicians are unable to drive.”

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Local Fool At It Again

MELBOURNE, FL (AIP) - Local convenience store clerk Andy Rawl, whose history of near misses, blown chances, boneheaded moves and comings in second, has made him the stuff of local legend in a town chocked full of losers and edgy drifters will begin his epic and highly improbable attempt to swim from Melbourne to Lisbon,  Portugal tonight at 9:00 p.m..

"It's a dream I've had for weeks," said Rawl, who learned to swim two months ago at the local YMCA. "I'm finally going to do something great."

Discovery Channel producer Mitch Burdick and his film crew plan to document the historic event.

"We don't have enough people that we film actually dying in real time for our viewers," said Burdick. "This is about a sure a thing as we can hope for."

Rawl, only vaguely aware that his quest will most probably end with his own  certain death, seemed excited about his attempt.

"It's my one chance to do something great," said Rawl. "When I get to Lisbon there's gonna be a party. This is where the losing ends."

Rawl has a long history of aiming too high and missing horribly. The Discovery Channel is banking on his failure-filled past.

"We expect to wrap up filming by midnight, " said Burdick. "This attempt is pretty much a midget's middle finger raised to the heavens in defiance.  The poor, overreaching schmuck won't get 500 meters out before he dies."

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Sessions Gets 15 Years

Orlando (AIP) - Guy Sessions, creator and CEO of the wildly popular They Like It Up The Ass brand of children's rectal thermometers was sentenced to 15 years in federal prison Friday, immediately after a jury found him quilty following a two month trial.

"We're going to appeal," said Sessions' attorney Mike Dodge. "My client is innocent. "

Sessions, who legally changed his name from Emilio Saurez-Martinez,  who had no medical or engineering experience and often described himself as a 'tinkerer', founded the They Like It Up The Ass brand in the late 1980s and raked in millions of dollars. He was convicted of falsifying his income tax fillings for the last three years.

(Editors note: You thought he was going to jail for sodomizing children,  didn't you? You're one sick fuck.)

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Disappointing Rookie Released Outright

GAZA STRIP (AIP) – Number one draft pick Muhammad Sadiq, whose college career at Beirut University led fans to believe that he would ‘tear up the league’, was given his outright release after the Hezbollah Hajji’s season ended Sunday, surprising fans everywhere.

“The kid has the physical skills, but just didn’t perform for the kind of money we’re paying him,” said Hezbollah coach Norm Gentry. “We sent the kid out on seven suicide attacks this last season and he came back after every one. We were highly disappointed.”

“I just couldn’t get my rhythm,” said Sadiq. “Every time the spotlight was on me something happened. Do you know how disappointing it is to come back to the locker room after a failed suicide bombing?”

The season was a litany of errors for Sadiq, whose suicide vest twice failed to explode. In one botched attempt he packed the high explosives incorrectly and the vest merely fizzled, burning Sadiq over 60 percent of his body and keeping him off the field for three weeks.

“One time I sent him out to blow up an elementary school, something any rookie should be able to do,” said Gentry. “The kid got on the wrong fucking bus. We should have paid more attention to his Wonderlic test score before we drafted him.

"This kid couldn't find 72 virgins with two hands and a flashlight. "

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Local Businesswoman Sues Renter

ORLANDO (AIP) – Former adult film star Monica Kellogg, who made over 1000 films in her storied career under the screen name ‘Jessie Jamison’, is suing Michael Cannon for failing to pay the rental space fee on his recreational vehicle storage site in Kellogg’s vagina.

“He’s had that goddamn Coachman Cross Country parked in my vagina since last October and hasn’t paid rent since November,” said Kellogg, whose vaginal RV storage park is located just off I-4 east of Orlando. “That’s premium space and I’ve got plenty of folks willing to pay for it.”

Kellogg’s vagina is currently filled to capacity, but she told reporters that she has ‘plenty of space in the back’.

Cannon’s attorney Marc Featherstone said that his client is being singled out for failing to pay.

“I know for a fact that plenty of people park their rigs there rent free,” said Featherstone. "Let's face it, the place is a wreck. It's all overgrown and unkept. Hell, it even smells foul."

Oral arguments are scheduled to begin Thursday in the trial, which is expected to last for 5 days.