Sunday, September 18, 2016

Clinton Captures Special Interest Vote

LAS VEGAS (AIP) - If campainging has become a game of capturing special interest groups, then presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton would appear to have a leg up opponent Donald Trump with at least one cabal -the Bulimic and Anorexic Men of America (BAMA).

"We love Hillary," said BAMA spokesman Melvin Fischer. "Anytime I've had an exceptionally good meal and contemplate actually digesting it I just pop one of Hillary's porn videos in my DVD player and I'm hurling in no time."

Clinton's pornographic video collection, which she was reduced to performing in to 'make ends meet' when she and husband Bill Clinton left the White House broke at the conclusion of his second term as President, has become the number one seller to the BAMA crowd.

"I put one of Hillary's sex tapes - say Hillary Wipes The Server - on and I usually expel the entire contents of my stomach before the first money shot", said BAMA member Charles Naul. "She makes spurging and purging exceptionally easy.

"If you're looking to vomit, watching Hillary Clinton have sex is as sure a thing as a finger down the throat."

Election watchers expect Clinton to garner 100 percent of the small but influential BAMA vote in November.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Clinton Health No Longer In Question

YOUNGSTOWN, OH (AIP) – The electrified corpse of Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has taken a 3 point lead in this key swing state against Republican hopeful Donald Trump according to the latest Pew Poll of likely voters released Friday.

“We’re very pleased that Mrs. Clinton’s moldering cadaver is doing so well in this very important state,” said Clinton Ohio campaign manager Kelli Sorenson. “Ever since we hired that new makeup guy to keep Hillary looking fresh and nearly life-like we’ve noticed the polls have been reacting favorably.”

There have been other recent changes in the Clinton campaign strategy that have seemed to help the candidate.

“We’ve found that if we can keep the press and all our wonderful supporters at least 15 feet away and up wind from the rotting body of Mrs. Clinton they seem to be much more favorably disposed toward her,” said Sorenson.

A campaign aid, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that Clinton backers have an important breakthrough that should further increase lead in Ohio.

“They found that by using a series of electrodes and keeping a low voltage running through her body, her muscles can be kept rigid and the body remain upright without the help of the Secret Service,” said the aid. “She appears much more animated.”

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Clinton Expounds On Trump Supporter Comments

NEW YORK CITY (API) - Expanding on her comments about Presidential candidate Donald Trump's supporters being 'a basket full of deplorables' and 'unredeemable', Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton doubled down at her Whoopi Goldberg sponsored fundraiser on Thursday.

"Trump's supporters are dangerous to this country," said Clinton Thursday night, much to the delight of the $10,000 a plate guests attending the swank fundraiser. "They are a bacillus in the tissue of the American body politic. They are the rats in the walls of our nation. They are a cancer that needs to be cut out and destroyed.

"In a Hillary Clinton America I will weld the sharp scalpel of government oversight and bring all the awesome weight of the United States to bear to rid our nation of those people."

Trump spokesman Wayne Martin seemed a little taken aback by the vehemence of Clinton's comments.

"Wow... that's pretty harsh," said Martin on Friday. "I mean, would it really be legal for her to actually do that?"

Clinton campaign spokesman Hami Aduni made a lefthanded attempt to walk back the comments of the Democratic nominee.

"Clearly Mrs. Clinton wasn't saying that all Trump supporters would be physically destroyed should she become President," said Aduni. "The vast majority would merely be sent for reeducation to correct their distorted and erroneous political understanding of American. A year or two of intense political indoctrination and plenty of good, healthy outdoor labor should bring most everyone around nicely.

"Those who refuse to respond would, of course, be eliminated."

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Man Convicted In Secret $400 Million Iranian Deal

WASHINGTON, DC (AIP) – Air Force Staff Sargent Clay Faxon, an aircraft loadmaster from the 43rd Operations Support Squadron based at Pope Air Force Base in Fayetteville, N.C. was convicted today by a general court martial of dereliction of duty and sentenced to 10 years in prison for failing to get a signed receipt upon delivery of $400 million in cash to an Iranian known only as “Abdul” in January of 2016.

“That’s a butt-full of money that Faxon can’t account for,” said Colonel Jefferson Michaels, chief prosecutor for the Air Force in the case. “What if Iran says that they didn’t get the money? How do we prove that we delivered it? Faxon dropped the ball and got exactly what he deserved.”

The $400 million, part of $1.7 billion dollar payout to the government of Iran was a key component in the recent nuclear deal brokered by the United States.

President Barak Obama, speaking to reporters about the originally secret deal, seemed pleased.

“A court has ruled that Staff Sargent Faxon was derelict in his duty,” said Obama. “I am happy that we can finally put this non-issue to rest. The guilty have been punished. Justice has been done. Case closed.”

In a transcript of testimony from his trial Faxon claims he was never told to get a receipt.

“I was ordered to load the pallets of cash on the C-130, secure it during the flight to Tehran and some guy named Abdul would off-load it,” Faxon testified, according to the transcript. “Nobody ever said anything about getting a receipt.”

Faxon will serve his 10 year sentence at the United States Disciplinary Barracks at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas at hard labor.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Clinton Not Subject To Laws

NEW YORK CITY (AIP) – A group of internationally renowned scientists has released the results of their 25-year study and have concluded that former Secretary of State and putative Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton is apparently not subject to the laws of gravity.

“She can literally float above the surface of the planet,” said lead scientist Dr. Bjorn Kennedy. “The laws of gravity that all things on the planet - indeed in the entire universe - are subject to simply do not apply to Mrs. Clinton.”

Reporters covering husband Bill Clinton’s first campaign for President first noticed that Mrs. Clinton seemed to be above certain natural laws more than 25 years ago. That’s when scientists began their study.

“We were dropping her off cliffs and she simply wouldn’t fall,” said Kennedy. “She is, in fact, unable to dive into a swimming pool or even jump rope. She floats above everything and apparently nothing can bring her down.”

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was quick to jump on the study and its conclusions on Tuesday.
“They say she floats but I say that she maliciously hovers,” said Trump at a campaign stop in North Carolina. “She hovers up there, just watching and waiting. It’s creepy.”

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Biden Violates Probation

WASHINGTON D.C – The United States Probation Office for the District of Columbia announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has once again failed a random drug test, causing his probation officer to forward a violation of probation affidavit to the Court.

“This is the fourth time the Vice President has pissed dirty,” said probation officer Roslyn Jefferson. “He’s also behind in his financial obligations and has missed a couple of required meetings.”

Mr. Biden has been on probation since April 1, 2016 after pleading guilty to his third DUI. The conviction came after Mr. Biden wrapped his 1968 Chevy Camaro around a tree just off Pennsylvania Avenue in downtown Washington in a one car, 3:00 a.m. accident. Officers at the scene said that the Vice President was belligerent and reeked of alcohol.

“You fucking pigs know who I am?” Mr. Biden is alleged to have been screaming at the time of his arrest according to the incident report. The report also states that officers were ‘forced to escort the defendant to the ground’ in order to effect the arrest.

In a written statement to the press President Barak Obama said that Mr. Biden’s recent failure to complete probation greatly upset both himself and wife Michelle.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Rubio Refutes Trump Allegations

JOHNSON CITY, TN (AIP) - In a campaign rally here today leading Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump called rival Marco Rubio a "fucking punk bitch".

"If we were in prison, Marco and I, I would so be sodomizing him on like a regular basis," Trump told a cheering crowd at Johnson City's Freedom Hall. "I would toss his salad daily."

Rubio, campaigning in Knoxville, began shaking visibly when told of Trump's remarks.

"You don't think he'd actually try to that, do you?" he asked reporters. "I mean that would really hurt. I will never submit willingly. I'd resist."

In later remarks Trump amplified his earlier statements.

"That bitch Rubio would be wearing coral rose lipstick and sucking my cock everyday in the exercise yard," said Trump. "He'd learn to love it."

"That's another con man game lie. I would never love it," retorted Rubio.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Clinton Campaign Gets Needed Boost

PETERBOROUGH, NH (AIP) – The sagging Hillary Clinton campaign, after losing momentum in the run up to the New Hampshire Presidential primary on November 9, enjoyed a much need boost Wednesday when the former Secretary of State announced that she would not attempt to have sexual intercourse with any male supporters during her campaign.

“I was for Bernie (Sanders) because I absolutely couldn’t stomach the idea of having any type of sexual contact with Hillary,” said New Hampshire Democrat Charlie Fincus. “That pants-suited body and those tragic ankles coupled with her horror show laugh turned me off completely.

“But now that she’s promised to not try to screw me I think I can support her.”

Clinton campaign strategist Maura Kelly said the time was right to make the announcement.

“Over time our polling numbers have shown that the vast majority of male voters were aghast at the idea of having sex with Hillary,” said Kelly. “And an even larger group was sickened by the idea of Hillary having sex with anyone, anywhere, any time. Her announcement Wednesday should draw in a large number of new supporters.”

Peterborough resident Mason Hills was one of the many relieved potential voters who attended Wednesday’s rally.

“There is no way I could put my fuck stick in that one,” said Hills. “I’d rather dry hump a bail of barbed wire. Now that the pressure is off I can reexamine her campaign without my gag reflex kicking in.”

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Greece Stops The Financial Bleeding

VAN NUYS, CA (AIP) – After almost two years of tottering on the brink of financial ruin and threatening to destabilize the entire European Union, Greece today announced that it had won the Powerball Lottery and was fiscally sound again.

“It’s a godsend,” Greece told reporters on Thursday. “When I saw that Powerball come up I had this feeling that I was going to win it all. This 1.4 large is really going to go a long way toward turning things around for me.”

Lottery officials were pleased that so deserving a nation could win the big one.

“It’s good to see a poor country finally have something good happen to it,” said Lottery spokesman Daryl Mays.

The only kink in the storybook windfall for Greece was the Germany reaction.

“We actually loaned Greece the money to buy the quick picks,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel. “Greece didn’t have a pot to piss in without us. I’ll be speaking to attorneys about possible legal recourses to claim at least a portion of the prize money.”

Despite Greece’s vow to become financially stable going forward, reporters did note that Greece was spotted at LA’s trendy Rooftop at the Standard bar with porn starlets Tori Black and Jayden Jaymes.

“They’re old friends,” said Greece when questioned by reporters. “I just wanted to get together and have a nice lunch before I returned to Europe with the big check.”

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Club Offers Exciting Promotional

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL (AIP) – The Pure Platinum Gentlemen’s Club, one of the oldest and finest gentlemen’s clubs on the East Coast of Florida has announced a new customer promotional which has patrons excited.

“Our normal cover charge is $10 for patrons entering the club,” said Platinum manager Ty Bignotti. “But we’ve worked out a special offer for our customers.

“Beginning Friday night, any customer who arrives with a child that is left in his vehicle while the customer enjoys the hospitality of our club will have the cover fee waived.”

Local tire store employee Max Reynolds is excited about the offer.

“Shit, I’ve got the kids every Friday night ‘cause the old lady works,” said Reynolds. “I’ve been letting them sleep in the car in the club’s parking lot for months now while I relax and unwind. I’m club Pure Platinum is finally recognizing me for that.”

Manager Bignotti says that the time youngsters spend in his parking lot can be a teaching moment.
“Everyone knows that kids as young as three or four can take care of themselves,” said Bignotti. “They’re safer in locked cars as long as daddy makes sure the windows are up. The time alone at night teaches these kids self reliance and bladder control.

"And we keep our parking lot dark as midnight so the kids can sleep."

Club patron Ryan McCandell has made plans to attend on the first night of the promotional.

“I don’t have any kids of my own, but I’ve offered to babysit my neighbor's five and six year olds that Friday,” said McCandell. “I’ll be there to tie one on.”