Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Relief Organization Heads To Ukraine

NEW YORK (AIP) – Citing the deteriorating situation in the Ukraine and the urgent need for assistance, the international relief organization Prostitutes Without Borders (PWB) plans to send 25 of it’s volunteers immediately to Kiev in an effort to provide much needed services.

“This is why we exist,” said Holly Weatherford, President of Prostitutes Without Borders.  “There is a critical need for our help in this war torn area. Many of the local prostitutes have fled the area and the locals are dangerously short of whores, tramps and call girls. It’s up to us to fill the gap.  We’re prepared to lie down to do this job.

"One blowjob given at a critical time to an injured man by one of our team members just might be the difference between life and death."

PWB has been operating it’s relief arm since 1978 and has sent whores to every major disaster site and war torn country around the globe in an effort to ease sexual tensions that arise from both manmade and natural disasters.

“We put women with their knees on the ground after Katrina, the Iraq invasion, the earthquake in Chile,” said Weatherford.  “Our people are all volunteers who can provide expert services under very stressful conditions.”

One volunteer, Crystal Higenbothem, said that helping others was her main goal.

“After I graduated from Prostitute School and finished my residency I decided that it really wasn’t all about the money,” said Higenbothem. “I wanted to give to others.  I could have had a nice penthouse in LA and a really cool car but I decided to dedicate myself to having sex with complete strangers in horrible situations for free.”


President Visits Cutting Edge Plant

YOUNGSTOWN, OH (AIP) – Calling globe warming “settled science” President Barack Obama today visited the nation’s first global warming plant and toured the Hotx Corporation facilities surrounded by happy and enthusiastic employees.

“The folks that work here at Hotx are some of the best trained and best equipped workers in the United States,” said Obama while watching a demonstration of the CO2 mega emissions apparatus, a key part of the huge complex. “These private sector workers, with just a little help from the government, have really made an impact on both this community and the entire world. Other nations complain about global warm but you are making it happen.”

“We’re proud of how effective we’ve been,” boasted Hotx Chief Technical Officer Benjamin Keffer. “We’ve been in operation for exactly one year and have been instrumental in raising the median global temperature almost 2 degrees.  Because of us the Maldives Island chain might completely disappear due to rising sea levels.  And there’s certainly an increased danger to Bangladesh. We have a lot to be proud of.”

Because of its astounding success in this new field Hotx stock has been the darling of the New York Stock Exchange, its stock selling for 103 times its initial public offering price a year ago.  Hotx has plans to build three more global warming facilities in the coming year, with the goal of raising global temperatures by nearly six degrees by the end of the decade.

“It’s the American way,” said Obama to cheering workers at the plant. “You are on the cutting edge of the new science of global warming.  You are the folks that are making it happen.  All America is proud of you.”


Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Court: Man Liable For Corporate Loss

ATLANTA (AIP) – A federal judge has ruled that Macon, GA resident Forrest Bettaker  is “absolutely 100 percent liable for monetary damages to the Sunocio Pharmaceutical Corporation” when he inadvertently crushed the Lunesta Green Butterfly, thereby making the product no longer effect for 30 million daily users.
“Mr. Bettaker’s thoughtless and reckless disregard for the sleep happiness for our customers is unbelievable,” said Sunocio Pharmaceutical vice president of research John Hopkin-Martin.  “The man is an idiot.”

Bettaker’s attorney Martin Johnanson disagrees with both Hopkin-Martin and the federal judge assigned to the case.

“My guy wakes up in the middle of the night and sees this green, glowing bug sitting on his chest and crushes it,” said Johnanson.  “What’s he supposed to do?  He’s got no idea what’s going on.  My client doesn’t even take Lunesta.  The damn bug went to the wrong house.”

Hopkin-Martin said that with the untimely and violent death of the Butterfly there is no mechanism to transport sleep to the many users of the drug. 

“We spent hundreds of millions of dollars on research and development of this drug,” said Hopkin-Martin.  “He needs to pay us back.”

In a counter suit, Bettaker is asking the court to force the drug maker to make restitution for the comforter that was stained by the innards of the Butterfly.

“The stain will not come out,” according to court filings.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Conspiracy Theorists Tout New Evidence

THE HAGUE – Conspiracy theorists who have long claimed that world events are actually controlled by an elite and mysterious few powerful men known as the “Illuminati” received a boost Friday when researchers at an abandon storage site here unearthed what purports to the Illuminati’s Daily Planner from 1968.

“Finally we’ve got some hard proof,” said lead conspiracy theorist Bartlett St. James, who flow to The Hague to examine the book. “We’ve known all along that the Rothschild’s and the Rockefellers control everything.  Now we’ve got some pretty strong proof that we aren’t the insane nut jobs that people have said we are.”

The daily planner, an innocuous- looking brown leather legal sized book was found in an old filing cabinet under empty file folders.  On the front inside leaf is clearly written “Illuminati Daily Planner, 1968.”  According to St. James the book, if authentic, holds some pretty explosive revelations.

“I turned to the June 5th page and at the very top is ‘Have R. Kennedy shot in the kitchen’”, said St. James.  “The next day, June 6th, was the day Robert Kennedy was gunned down in the kitchen of the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles. Coincidence? I think not.

“The January 21st page contains the entry ‘have North Koreans capture American spy boat’.  Two days later, January 23, the North Korean navy boarded the USS Pueblo. January 27th ‘have Viet Cong begin offensive’ and four days later they launched the Tet offensive.”

Aside from these major insights the planner also contains more humdrum entries.

July 12th – “Send Kissinger out for donuts”.

November 1st – “Have Nelson (presumably Rockefeller) vacuum office”.

“I’m sure that, as independent experts examine the planner in greater detail the general public will be astounded at the revelations,” said St. John.


Teen Claims Men Don't Walk In Space

DULUTH, MN (API) – Ricky Kessler, an unemployed 17-year old high school dropout from East Bethel, MN, has filed a lawsuit in federal court to prevent the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) from referring to astronaut’s trips outside the international space station as “space walks”.

“Its bullshit,” said Kessler.  “Those guys aren’t walking anywhere.  They’re floating.  It’s a space float. They’re floating like I did in the shallow end of my parent’s pool when I was like five years old.”

NASA spokesman Dr. Thor Maggnuson vehemently disagrees.

“Obviously  these heroic, highly skilled astronauts are taking their lives into their hands by making these space walks to make repairs on outboard computers on the space station,” said Maggnuson.  “They are clearly making ‘space walks’.  I know what I’m talking about and would put my PhD up against this punk kid’s GED any day.”

“My ass,” says Kessler.  “Walking is defined as an 'inverted pendulum' gait in which the body vaults over the stiff limb or limbs with each step.  Watch the video.  These astronauts aren’t even moving their legs.  If one were to be pushed by another and not be tethered to the spacecraft he’d float away into space, completely unable to walk back.  And why the hell do they put computers on the outside of the freaking space station?”

The lawsuit is scheduled for a pretrial in federal court in five weeks.


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Rock Band Settles Lawsuit

LOS ANGELES (AIP) - Court documents reveal that the super rock band Creed has reached a settlement in a plagiarism lawsuit brought by Brittany Wineglass, ending a civil case that has gone one nearly three years and cost both sides hundreds of thousands in legal fees.

In the settlement, filed Thursday in Los Angeles Superior Court, members of the band admit that they actually stole Wineglass’s diary in 1998 and used the poorly written, horribly executed juvenile poetry Wineglass penned during her breakup with Cody Wilson as a 14-year old sophomore at Lake City, Florida’s Columbia High School.

Virtually every song on Creed’s 1999 album Human Clay was lifted straight from the pages of Wineglass’s diary verbatim,without the least bit of editing.

“The band’s contention that it produced all the lyrics for those songs is ludicrous,” said Wineglass attorney J. Doyle Farbes. “For allegedly being written by four young men, there isn’t a bit of testosterone on the whole album.”

“I had just broken up with Cody when I wrote those words ‘Well I just heard the news today…’”, said Wineglass. “Cody had left me for that slut Morgan Kellerman. I was broken. It all came out in my diary.”

Upon being contacted by reporters, that slut Morgan Kellerman refused comment.

The situation is eerily reminiscent of the legal situation that the 70’s rock band Air Supply when accusations arose that songs from the group’s The One That You Love album were actually taken from the stolen diary of a teenager named Helen Picanti. That case settled out of court.

“Clearly there’s a pattern here,” said Farbes. “On its face it’s absurd to think that young men can write such drivel. I mean, have you actually listened to a lot of music coming out these days. A great deal of it sounds like whiney little girl scribblings.”


Saturday, April 19, 2014


San Francisco - WEBSEEK researchers have finally located the one man in the United States who knows Jack Shit. It's Andy Johnson from Kingsport, TN.

"Yeah, I know Jack. So?", said Johnson, a Kingsport city sanitation worker. "He owe you money? Shit owes everybody money".

It turns out that that Jack Shit doesn't know, well jack shit.

"Dumbest man in the city," said Mayor Greer Weeks." Doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground".

Andy Johnson agrees.

"Yeah, he's damn dumb," said Johnson.

Most of the city's citizens seem to agree.

"He's as stupid as fucking your best hunting dog", said Clayton Doss, director of school personnel for the city of Kingsport.

"Idiot", according to Cindy Kramer, activist with Kingsport Homeless Outreach. "I wouldn't trust him with a pillow. He'd find a way to screw it up".



Friday, April 18, 2014

New Drug Gets FDA Approval

Dallas (AIP) -The Food and Drug Administration has given final approval for pharmaceutical giant Smith-Kolaxco to begin marketing its new men’s erection enhancement drug Advandic, the first medication approved for human use whose side effects actually outnumber its possible benefits.

“Life is about risk,” said Smith-Kolaxco senior vice president James Carter-Bing. “Just getting out of bed in the morning is a risk. We at Smith-Kolaxco would urge men who suffer erectile dysfunction to roll the dice with us on this one.”

In pharmaceutical trials the drug caused the deaths of more than 30 percent of study volunteers, and permanently disabled another 27 percent.

Possible side effects include, but are not limited to shortness of breath, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, temporary or permanent blindness, loss of hair, loss of consciousness, anxiety, anal bleeding, sleeplessness, a diminished sense of self-worth, deafness in one or both ears, non-arteritic anterior ischemic optic neuropathy and death.

“Sure, some very bad things may or may not happen if you take Advandic ,” said Carter-Bing, “but without its benefits you can be damn sure that the girl you’re unsuccessfully trying to bone is going to laugh you right out of the bed.”


Walmart Announces New Dress and Conduct Code

In a bow to its customer base, mega retailer Walmart is relaxing its formerly strict dress and conduct code for shoppers at all its store nationwide.

“It’s what (Walmart founder) Sam (Walton) would have wanted,” said corporate spokeswomen Heide McKinny. “People who would have liked to shop with us were instead going to Family Dollar or Kmart because of our antiquated dress and conduct code. Now they can come to us 24-7 and feel comfortable.”

Shoppers around the country seem to agree. Retail sales have spiked 8 percent since the new policy went into effect.

“Finally, the stuffy atmosphere is gone,” said customer Marc Ritchie, a construction worker from Chicago who lingered over the fresh produce section dressed in assless chaps and nipple pasties. “I definitely shop here more now.”

“I used to go to Kmart,” said James Aiken from Orlando. “I like to take a crap in the auto parts department. At Kmart I could mostly get away with it but got caught occasionally and did some jail time. Here I can run in for a bathroom rug, some pretzels, a coffee maker and then pinch off a loaf near the hubcaps and not have to worry about Big Brother ruining my shopping day.”

“We love the new feel,” said Missy Moore, who with her husband Ronnie from Plano, TX, enjoys having sexual intercourse in the children’s clothing section. They come to Walmart seven or eight times a week. "Being able to do it here really helps."

“Yeah. Makes me cum harder,” chimed in Ronnie.

“There’s no going back” said spokeswoman McKinny. “From now on it’s come as you are and do what you want at Walmart.”


Thursday, April 17, 2014

Senate Passes Immigration Equality Bill

Washington (AIP)- The United State Senate today passed the Immigration Equality Act bill which would give undocumented workers in this country the right, regardless of immigration status, to experience the same spiritual angst, ennui and hellish introspection formerly reserved for American citizens.

“It’s a step in the right direction,” said Senator Fran Roberson (D-California). “For the first time those who have come to the United States without necessarily following the out of date and racist immigration laws will now be able to experience the same existential milieu as the rest of us. For the first time everyone can feel alienation and spiritual emptiness, the horribleand hopeless introspection without fear of being deported.”

The Congressional Budget Office has estimated that passage of the new law would increase the incidence of divorce, suicide, alcoholism and drug abuse among alien resident populations to roughly the same levels as those displayed by American born individuals.

Felix Castro-Jose, president of the activist national No More Boarders Alliance, has fought hard for passage of the bill and urged President Obama to sign it into law.

“It’s not an exclusively American right to have the highest heart attack rate in the world,” Castro-Jose said. “That’s a human right. I can’t tell you the number of young Hispanic children I’ve talked to that have waited for the day when alcohol and drugs could destroy their otherwise healthy family units.”

President Obama, a strong supporter of the bill, has said he will sign it immediately.


Social Security Administration announces new additions

Washington (AIP)- In a long expected move the United State Social Security Administration announced on Thursday that it will add “Shiftless”, “No account” and “Loser” to the list of disabilities that will entitle those suffering from such conditions to receive Social Security Disability benefits.

“We attempt to be a forward thinking Department”, said administration spokesman Gloria Vanderwood. “The newly added impairments make it extremely hard for those suffering to be able to provide for themselves and their families. “

The three new conditions join the list that includes such impairments as blindness, sickle cell disease, thyroid disorders and Parkinson’s syndrome. Those impaired by these newly addition syndromes will be entitled to benefits ranging from $657 to $863 a month.

“The addition of these three conditions to the disability list has been a long time coming,” said Shiftless advocate Ron Beal in a press conference held in his parents basement/rec room in Racine, Wisconsin. “The government has finally realized what the common people have known for years.”

“I’ve been No Account since birth and I’ve had no help” said Jim Winkelman, No Account community organizer from Chicago. “It’s about time that the government realizes it has a responsibility to help me.”

Reporters attempted to reach spokesmen from the National Loser Alliance, but Billy on the phone bank said that all the really important losers were "off somewhere doing something".


Wednesday, April 16, 2014



NEW YORK (AP) – Speaking at a meeting of the Reverend Al Sharpton’s “National Action Network” civil rights organization, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder today lashed out at what he perceived to be his “outrageous” treatment at the hands of McDonald’s front counter worker Brad Whitefield.

“Forget about me,” said Holder in his off the cuff remarks to the organization, “but has any Attorney General, or any American President ever been treated in such demeaning fashion?”

Holder was referring to the fact that Whitefield neglected to ask the Attorney General is he wanted to “Supersize his Number One Big Mac.”

“Every other person in line was asked if he or she wanted to supersize their meals except me. I was greatly offended that that young man treated the sitting Attorney General in such a caviler fashion,” said Holder to thunderous applause from the group’s members.

Whitelaw, in answer to reporter’s questions, stated that Holder “looked like he knew what he wanted.”

“I was just trying to keep the line moving and Mr. Holder spoke with authority so I assumed that he ordered exactly what he wanted,” said Whitelaw.

The Justice Department has launched a civil rights violation investigation into the incident.



WASHINGTON(AP) - A joint House and Senate set up to reopen an investigation of the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. will issue a report friday that concludes that King was not shot by James Earl Ray, but rather died as the result of a suicide.

"We were pretty stunned when we reviewed the evidence, but it's pretty crystal clear," said committee chairman Walt Restove (R-Vermont). "The son of a bitch actually killed himself."

The committe report will recommend that the King federal holiday be abolished and those workers who previously have take time off since the holiday's inception in 1986 be required to repay their employers.

"We can't give folks a day off for a suicide," said Restove.


Monday, April 14, 2014


In a moment of amazing clarity Elden realized that most of the things he really enjoyed in retrospect were very much akin to ripping off a bandage.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Elden grabbed her ankle and flipped her shoe off. He ran his finger along the bottom of her foot. Slowly.

"Stop you bastard", she laughed.

'Never' he thought.


Grandad's watch. I had forgotten.
Oddly, I have a past!

music Sunday...

"Say yes, say yes, say yes"
-Taking Back Sunday

"Back when I was younger I was someone you woulda liked"
-Jimmy Eat World

"You would have to care about the country. Nobody had been here long enough and the indians had been very thoroughly kicked out. It would take a shovel to find they'd been here."
- Thomas McGuane, Nobody's Angel

"Never made it as a wise man"

"Dreamin is free"

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

On being dumb in the woods

I stood, straining to see the pack, but it was lost. Actually it was exactly where I had set it down a few minutes before. I was the one lost. Two thoughts came immediately to mind: ‘I’m in trouble’ and ‘this is how people die’.

What little sky I could see through the dense tree canopy was thickly overcast and would give up no hit of the sun’s position. I didn’t know which way was East. My compass would tell me but my compass, along with most everything else I would need, was in the backpack. The one I couldn’t find. I was suddenly aware of my thirst but the only water was the brackish brown stuff that I was standing in, that I have been hiking through for over an hour.

I was lost in the forest.

I had come to Myakka River State Park in Sarasota County Florida - 58 square miles of wetlands, prairies, hammocks, and pinelands - to do a little solo camping at one of the primitive camp sites. “Primitive” meaning that you had to hike in and carry your own water and everything else you might need for your stay on your back. The last time I had come to Myakka I’d hadn’t seen another human after checking in at the ranger station. This time was no different.
It was a Monday, the first day of my vacation. It had been raining here for a solid week before my arrival and I asked the pretty female ranger who registered me in about the conditions in the park.

“There’s some water on the trail” she said without a hint of guile.

Later I would remember her words ruefully and barely suppress the urge to return to the ranger station and punch that young women right in the nose.

I got back in my car and drove down the access road to the trail head. From prior experience I knew that I would have no cell phone reception where I was going so I turned off my phone and put it in the center console of my car. I parked on the side of the road at the trail’s entrance, grabbed my overweight backpack, locked the car and walked slightly downhill off of the built up roadway to the start of the trail.

A sharp left turn 15 yards off the road way brought me to the start of the trail. Looking down the narrow cut through the trees and brush the trail was covered in water as far as I could see. “Well here we go” I thought and stepped into it. As I made my way down the close trail – less than two feet wide in some spots – I found that the water I walked through varied from an inch or so deep to calf high on me. My ankle high waterproof Gortex boots quickly filled with water that ran in over the tops. I was never quite sure what I was stepping one and several times I thought the mud of the trail was going to suck off one of my shoes.

Navigation down the trail is accomplished by following the blazes. The blaze in this case is a strip of orange paint a few inches long on the trunk of a tree. Start at the first blaze at the beginning of the trail, spot the next one on a tree in the distance and hike to it. From there scan the forest till you spot the next one and hike to that. The blazes literally relay you down the trail and to your campsite. On this particular day the blazes were more important than usual because water was everywhere - like hiking through a river- and the ground would give no visual clues as to a path to follow.

I had been hiking nearly an hour. The temperature was close to 85 and the humidity was near 100 percent and the water and mud made hauling my pack a nearly backbreaking ordeal. Somewhere on the periphery of my mind I was beginning to question the wisdom of this trip.

I hiked to the blaze and stopped, unshouldered my pack, set it on the dry side of a fallen tree and stood resting. I calculated that I must be about halfway to my destination.

I started scanning the way forward for my next blaze but couldn’t see it. The trees weren’t so close at this point on the trail but there were many downed limbs from the previous week’s storms. I moved several yards forward in the general direction that I had been going, doing a fruitless 270 degree visual scan for the next blaze mark. I kept moving forward and looking through the gloomy light and still no blaze. When I finally stopped and turned around there was no sign of my pack and the water sodden trail held no memory of my footsteps to follow backwards.


Why do people engage in dangerous activities? Why do people climb killer mountains or free dive to dangerous depths or surf monster waves? Why do people go to great length and sometimes great expense to put themselves into inherently dangerous situations?

There’s obviously the thrill. Adrenaline pumps to your muscles, your breathing and heart rates increase to pump more blood throughout your body. The hypothalamus activates both the sympathetic nervous system and the adrenal-cortical system which dumps hormones into the bloodstream and alerts the pituitary gland to activate the adrenal-cortical system, which releases about 30 different hormones to bounce around inside you like pinballs. Heady,exhilarating stuff.

Afterward, when the thing is done and you’ve climbed the mountain or dove the depths there’s that sense of accomplishment, that pride of meeting and besting the challenge that most can’t or won’t attempt.

I had spent the month before my trip to Myakka preparing for the event; checking equipment, deciding what to take and what to leave behind, preparing my menu. My friends had almost unanimously be against my solo camping trips as too dangerous. I never carried a gun or weapon, other than a small knife which they found insane. I, however, had never felt afraid on my trips.

Do the dangerous a few times and you begin to crave the experience and the afterglow. The idea of something bad happening never takes the forefront because DEATH IS WHAT HAPPENS TO OTHER PEOPLE. Death is what happens to others when they aren’t well prepared or well skilled.

Of course, sometimes things go wrong - equipment fails, nature takes a malicious turn, a series of seemily minor poor decisions are taken. That's when you realize that the one outcome you hadn't paid much attention to might be about to overtake you.


I stood lost in the forest with my breathing starting to speed up. I could hear my own heartbeat. The danger in my situation washed over me as I stood in the water. I had violated a number of personal rules about camping – I was carrying neither water nor compass on my person – and I was kicking myself for being stupid.

It suddenly occurred to me that panic in my present situation might just be the thing that would lead to my injury or death. I knew I had to calm down. I reached into my shirt pocket, grabbed my cigarettes, lit one and drew the smoke in. That’s when I heard the first peal of thunder. The totality of my fuckedness was overwhelming and I started laughing. I laughed completely and totally and when I was done my heartbeat had slowed and I was calm.

I eventually found my pack and during the hunt I found the missing blaze on the side of a tree that had probably been knocked down in one of the previous storms. I eventually made it to my campsite and was able to get my hammock and rain fly up before the real rain started. I spent a profoundly miserable night wet, without fire, eating a cold dinner of trail mix and candy bar, sleepless because of the thunder and lightening.

The next morning I hiked out.

In retrospect my situation doesn't seem that alarming, but at the time my fear was real enough. I came out unscathed.

Friday, April 4, 2014


His phone sounded and he answered.

"You're an asshole."

"Andie." It was his former wife.

"You're really an asshole."

"Andie, you've called me every day for the last month and said the same thing. It’s amazingly repetitive."

"I just wanted you to know."

"You've driven that point home."

"Have I really you asshole?" It wasn't a question.

"Like a crown of thorns."

"Fuck you."

Elden hung up.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Golfing with Bobby

"I believe you've run a little off the tracks," Brian said distractedly.

Elden's friend Brian, the attorney, gulped a beer and worked his IPad.

"Is that a metaphor?"

"Yes, it is. As in train wreck."

Elden smiled into the mirror behind the bar. The mirror reflected that both his haircut was in order and that shirts should be ironed.

Saturday morning sun shone through the window. Elden with clinical detachment, noted that the bullet wound in his leg throbbed. Clearly the pain meds were top shelf.

"Face it Elden, you wrecked the BMW in a single car accident. You got shot in a convenience store at midnight. You're drinking too much. Hell, you're sitting in a bar on a Saturday morning at 11:00 a.m.."

"I'm only here now because you texted me to come down."

"Yes, well I'm a bad influence and you should ignore me. Yet another good example of your bad decision-making."

"Perhaps I should ignore you."

"Do so at your own risk you stupid fuck. I will be your legal counsel when you finally go too far."


"Yes, now purchase us another round. You have nothing better to do."

"The vistas are unlimited from where I sit Brian."

"That's cause you're a dumb fuck."

"Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind and she went big time."

"But she had bigger tits."

"I need a new attorney, one that believes in me."

"You need a new drink."

Golfing with Bobby

Elden sat on the veranda while sun setting behind the 18th tee box. It had been a good round. Perhaps his best.

The sudden knowledge that his life lacked a certain narrative coherence took his breath like a punch to the stomach. He was the product of a life lived off the cuff, more a shotgun spread than a .45's clean hole in a distant target.

"I have issues," he said in a voice louder than he expected. The elderly couple nursing wine at the table next to him looked briefly and then turned away.


Wednesday, April 2, 2014


My only problem with e-cigarettes is that you can't burn your wrists with how to tell the world I'm unhappy? You win again universe...You win.