Friday, May 29, 2015

Battle Heats Up In Apartment Wars

BELLAIRE, FL (AIP) – The battle between the last remaining renter at the Del Sol Apartment Complex and the apartment’s owners, who want to see that renter gone and turn the complex into condominiums, seems to be entering a more serious phase.

“A month ago I came home from work and I had no water for eight hours,” said Jacob Castor, the complex’s final remaining resident. “A few days later I came home and the cable, which is included in my rent, was out and still is.

“Yesterday I got home and all the oxygen had been removed from my place.”

(Independent testing by an air quality lab hired by this publication showed that, indeed, the atmosphere in Castor’s apartment consisted entirely of hydrogen, nitrogen and trace amounts of helium.)

Owners of the property have planned to convert the presently rent controlled apartments into high end condos. State law precludes owners from evicting rent-paying tenants. All the other former residents were forced out, says Castor. He has refused to leave and says that ownership is turning to drastic measures to make him go.

“I was taking the garbage out last week when a baby grand piano fell from above and missed me by inches,” said Castor. “Bill Martin used to above me. He’s been gone two months and never owned a piano.

“Three weeks ago a war party of Seneca Indians camped outside my door for two nights and repeatedly attempted to get inside. When they finally left I found a tomahawk buried my front door.”

Ownership has expressed surprise at the spurt of recent events and a Pinellas Sheriff’s Office investigation has found all recent incidents at the Del Sol Apartments to be of ‘natural origin’.

“That’s bullshit,” said Castor of the Sheriff’s Office findings. “I left my place Saturday at noon to go to the Wal-Mart. On the way to the car I was attacked by a snow leopard, which is insane because everyone knows that snow leopards hunt at dusk and dawn only. I was lucky enough to get in my vehicle before the leopard got to me.”

Castor has vowed to remain, despite the threats.

“I ain’t going anywhere,” he said.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Brophy Admits Poor Performance On Friday

LAKELAND, FL (AIP) – Tom Brophy, in his usual post-work press conference, admitted that while he got the job done, it didn’t look like he gave his usual 100 percent at work on Friday.

“I knew going in that I was having trouble focusing,” said Brophy, an assistant produce manager at the Publix located in the Grove Park Shopping Center on US Highway 98. “The physical skills were there, but I couldn’t get a rhythm going. I couldn’t get into the groove.”

Store manager Kellie Johns rated Brophy’s Friday performance as ‘adequate’.

“He’s one hell of an assistant produce manager,” said Johns, whose store has won several national titles. “He came out of a high school that ran a pro-style books store where he was the star stocker. He was our number one pick and he started for us right away.”

“While he didn’t shine today, he did get the job done.”

Brophy told reporters that a verbal altercation with his girlfriend De Anna Thursday evening, coupled with his deep seated angst concerning the meaning of life and his place in the universe may have affected his work on Friday.

“I’ve got some issues to work through,” said Brophy. “I’ll watch some work film from today this evening and get my head together. I promise you that tomorrow I’ll be performing at 100 percent again.”

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Biden Speaks At Sexual Violence Conference

WASHINGTON (AIP) – Vice President Joe Biden, speaking at a conference on sexual violence being sponsored by the National Organization of Women, wowed the crowded conference hall Friday by telling attendees that he really enjoys raping women.

“Old Uncle Joe really gets off by raping girls,” the vice president said in his remarks. “There’s nothing like forcing a woman to pleasure you at gunpoint. It makes me nut pretty hard.”

Biden said that he’s been raping woman for years.

“Because of the office I hold, I’ve been able to travel around the country and the globe,” said Biden. “I’ve been able to rape women of all regions, socio-economic levels and religions. I have had some really great rapes. Screaming, fighting back, crying, and begging me to stop. Yes, I’m glad I chose this lifestyle.”

Biden said that he raping began years ago.

“I was masturbating quite a bit back then, Uncle Joe spanking the monkey all the time,” said Biden. “Then one day I realized that the world is full of poontang. A man just has to go out and take it by force and violence.”

Biden said that women are the only object of his vile and horrible desires.

“Hell, occasionally I rape dudes,” said Biden. “Packing the fudge factory can be a blast. Most men just cry when I’m raping them. Many of them want it anyway. Hell, it’s all pink inside.”

Biden said he plans to continue raping women every chance he gets.

“They’ll never catch me,” said Biden. “I don’t think the cops even look. Going forward I think Uncle Joe’s fuck stick is going to get quite the workout.”


Friday, May 22, 2015

Player Ejected For Pine Tar

MILWAUKEE, WI (AIP) – The weekly marbles tournament at the Martin Van Buren Elementary School playground was marred Wednesday when officials ejected Billy Brooks for having pine tar on his right arm, in direct violation of league rules.

“It was a mistake,” said Brooks, who was leading the tournament until the semi-final round when he was tossed out for using the banned substance. “I only used the pine tar to warm up and simply forgot to remove it before competition began.”

League officials first noticed what appeared to be a dark smudge on Brooks’ aggie, the marble he uses as a shooter.

“It was unusual and it caught my attention,” said umpire Mickey Tran. “I’ve seen similar cheating before. It really gives the game a bad name.”

Marbles players have been known to use pine tar, rosin and similar banned substances to get better control of their shooting marbles. Marbles purists at Wednesday’s tournament were not surprised.

“Billy was knocking those sulfides and swirls out of the circle like nobody’s business,” said Kelsey Michaels, the eventual winner of Wednesday’s event. “Brooks is normally a tough competitor but nobody is that good.

“I’m not surprised however. The son of a bitch did the same thing in dodge ball last week.”

Brooks has a somewhat checkered history running afoul of league rules. In early 2014, while undergoing routine drug testing, officials found anabolic steroids in his system. He was banned from competition for an entire semester and forced to undergo counseling and random testing.

“I understand that there’s a lot on the line in this league,” said umpire Tran. “Some guys think its okay to break the rules to win.”


Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Doctors Announce Clinton Medical Discovery

NEW YORK (AIP) – A team of doctors and genetic researchers, hired by the Clinton Foundation to run a complete medical work up of former Secretary of State and First Lady Hillary Clinton made a startling announcement Friday at a hastily called press conference.

“Mrs. Clinton is in fine physical health,” said team leader Dr. Sidney Bloom. “However we discovered that there is something slightly irregular in her genetic makeup. The average human has about 24,000 genes in the genome. Mrs. Clinton has 23,999. She appears to have been born without the gene that produces truthfulness in humans.”

Clinton campaign vice chairman Miles Brooks was ecstatic when he heard the news.
“So her critics are all wrong,” said Brooks. “It isn’t moral failure, hubris, or venality. She was born with the physical inability to tell the complete and absolute truth. Untruthfulness is a part of her genetic makeup.”

Political writer Penny Goring was not particularly surprised at the announcement from the Clinton camp.

“Many people born with this defect seem to gravitate toward politics,” said Goring, in an article for the New York Post. “Perhaps the most famous was Richard Nixon, but there have been and are plenty of others. But those with this handicap aren’t found exclusively in politics. NBC’s Brian Williams apparently suffers from the same defect.

“This is really the best news the campaign could have gotten,” said Brooks. “Hillary certainly appealed to the woman voters, but now handicapped people everywhere can identify with her. The White House is hers in 2016.”

The Clinton campaign immediately secured Handicap parking hang tags in all 50 states for Mrs. Clinton.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Samsung Announces New AI Technology

SEOUL (AIP) – The Samsung Corporation, in a move that has investors driving up the company’s stock price, today announced the new Samsung 12 XEL32Q Smartass Cell Phone with artificial intelligence (AI) technology, revolutionizing the communications industry.

Smartass phone beta testers made available to the press for comment were ecstatic about the cell phone’s performance.

“This new smartass phone is fucking great,” said beta tester David Meyers, a convenience store clerk in Duluth, GA. “I called in sick to work using the Samsung 12 AI and then passed back out with a brutal hangover. My boss called me an hour later and wanted to know if I felt ok.

“The Samsung Smartass technology took over and -on its own - answered him that ‘I’m feeling your WIFE ok bitch!’. The phone is incredible.”

Samsung spokesman Ken Mashahito admits that the phone isn’t for everyone.

“To own this phone you’ve got to be a real individual,” said Mashahito. “This technology is for the communications edge-dweller. The AI technology is both unbelievable and frankly ungovernable. There’s every chance that along with telling your boss to go to hell in the middle of the night, the phone may very well answer your mother’s call checking to see if you’re coming over for Christmas dinner with a smart ‘Go fuck yourself’ in reply.”

“My boyfriend texted me yesterday to see if I was having a good day,” said beta tester Mandy Alberti, a graphics designer in New York City. “The phone, without my knowledge, texted him back that I’m ‘having a great day; never gotten laid by more strangers in a shorter time period’.

“Needless to say that AI-generated response caused a certain amount of strain on our relationship.”

“I attempted to change my password and the phone told me to kiss its ass,” said Billy Mahone, from Phoenix, AZ.

The Samsung 12 XEL32Q Smartass Cell Phone will be in stores beginning this Friday and retail for $895.00 before rebate.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Local Woman Vows To Fight Disease

TACOMA, WA (AIP) – Carol Wineglass remembers vividly the day that she sat in her doctor’s office and received the bad news. It was August 16, 2012 when she learned that she was going to die.

“I was in shock and then I just broke down and started crying,” Wineglass, 34, told reporters on Friday. “The doctor looked right into my eyes and told me that no matter what he did, he doubted that I had more than 60 years to live.

“I bawled my eyes out that day and then late that night I decided that I was going to fight this thing.”

Her physician, Dr. Karl Blankenship, had just informed Wineglass that she was infected with Mortality.

The American Medical Association Family Medical Guide says that individuals infected with Mortality are known as Mortals and the death rate from Mortality is 100 percent.

“Mortality itself, much like AIDS, isn’t the actual killer,” said Blankenship. “Mortality lowers the general immunity of sufferers and makes them more susceptible to things like disease, heart attack, accidents, random violent crime, mob actions, drowning, malfunctioning state fair rides, tidal waves, food poisoning, bridges collapsing, terrorist acts and the general stupid acts of others. In short, Mortals have to live what time they have left being much more watchful and careful than the rest of us.”

Wineglass said that her support group gives her hope.

“There are about 15 or so of us that get together regularly and discuss coping strategies, medical breakthroughs and possible herbal remedies,” said Wineglass. “We sit and comfort each other. Sometimes we just hold each other and cry and that’s alright.”

Her husband, Marty Wineglass, supports her fully.

“She’s a tough lady,” said Marty. “If anyone can beat this thing it’s her. I don’t care what the statistics say.”

Wineglass said her support group has raised over $28 million dollars to make Mortal’s final wishes come true.

“One of our members expressed a wish that she have seven pair of Prada shoes before she dies, one for each day of the week,” said Wineglass. “We were able to make that wish come true. That poor woman is in her mid fifties and only has 37 or 38 years left.”


Friday, May 8, 2015

Biden Not Out Of The Race

WASHINGTON (AIP) - Vice President Joe Biden, who insiders say is still intent on running for President in 2016, took a few soft jabs at Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton on Friday, in a signal that she wasn't running unopposed.

"Everybody says she's a sure thing for President," Biden told reporters. "But Uncle Joe has been to a few rodeos. Nothing is a sure thing until you're dumping the used condom in the garbage can.

"George McGovern was a sure thing too, until he picked Tom Eagleton, which tore his balls off. Could be that old Hillary gets her balls torn off too."

As he spoke Biden attempted to hand reporters from MSNBC and the New York Times thick envelopes marked "inside shit" which both reporters declined to accept.

"Jesus tittyfucking christ boys, there's pure honey in these envelopes," said Biden. “You wouldn’t believe the shit that Hillary has been involved with. Don’t you want to know?”

Biden then opened one of the envelopes and began reading the contents but reporters at the press conference plugged their ears with their fingers and began humming “da, da, da, da, da” and quietly walked away, leaving a befuddled Biden alone in the room.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

ISIS Claims Responsibility

TELFORD, TN (AIP) Local CVS Drugstore assistant manager Clint Longwood got a flat tire on is 2001 Ford Explore on Thursday, and on Friday morning he got the shock of his life when he learned the reason why.

“Apparently I’ve been targeted by ISIS because I am an infidel,” said Longwood, a Southern Baptist.

The claim of responsibility for the flat tire was made on ISIS radio, broadcast out of the Syrian city of Raqqa, the putative capitol of the new Islamic Caliphate. The message said that young “soldiers of the caliphate, acting on orders” had punctured Longwood’s right rear tire because of his disrespect for the Prophet Muhammad.

“Our glorious soldiers, operating in the Land of the Great Satan will soon begin a frenzy of terror; toilet papering houses, exploding firecrackers in toilets, towel snapping non-believers in gym class showers,” the message said. “We will cause cars to fail to start in the morning, coffee spills on new suits and many major appliances to fail, just when you finally think you are getting ahead.

"The Great Satan is no longer immune to our attacks.”

Longwood was angry.

“The damn tire cost me $128.00, and that's only because my brother-in-law got me his employee discount,” said Longwood.

Later in the same broadcast the fundamentalist group took responsibility for professional golfer Phil Mickelson’s inability to sink putts in the PGA’s major golf events.

“Mickelson will never hit a put between 8 and 15 feet in any of the Majors because of his disrespect for Allah and the Prophet,” the broadcast said. "However, we aren't going to otherwise interfere with his short game, because interference with his sand or pitching wedge is forbidden by the Koran."

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Clinton Knocking Them Dead In Iowa

DES MOINES, IA (AIP) – Pollsters in Iowa, pointing to their latest survey of likely Democratic voters in 2016, have pretty much proclaimed that Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States, despite the damning new tell-all book The Clinton Connection.

“She’s a lock,” said Senior Pew Public Opinion researcher Thomas Giff. “There’s no one even close to her in the polls.”

The Clinton Connection, written by long time Clinton watcher Max Weygand, details with clear and convincing evidence how the Clinton Foundation has been involved with Latin American child sex trafficking, the opium trade in Southeast Asia, gun running to radical Islamic groups and cock fighting in rural South Carolina.

None of it seems to matter to voters.

“It’s amazing,” said Giff. “Nothing sticks to her. Over 83 percent of likely Democratic voters are blindly supporting her in a poll we did after the release of the latest book. She’s actually gained support.”

Giff said polls indicate that Clinton seems to have only one weakness.

“Historically, the only time Hillary has taken a dip in the polls is when a photo or video of her kankles appears in the media”, said Giff. “She’ll drop 15 or 20 points overnight if a shot of those bloated things are on the front page.

“As long as she sticks to pants on the campaign trail, she’s a shoo-in to get the nomination.”