Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Protestors Firmly In Control At Mizzou

COLUMBIA, MO (AIP) – The group Concerned Student 1950 began the ritual executions of professors and staffers at the University of Missouri on Wednesday, vowing to cleanse the campus of “unrighteous, bigoted and racist” university personnel.

“These motherfuckers are going to lose their heads,” said student activist and Concerned Student 1950 leader Marcus Washburn. “We’re going to drive elitist behavior, white privilege and tough curriculum right off of this campus at knife point.”

Three professors from the History Department were decapitated late Wednesday, according to a video posted on YouTube by a group claiming to be the Revolutionary Peoples Student Government, a heretofore unknown organization.

The video purports to show the three white professors, each over 60, being forced to kneel and then hoodie-wearing students can be seen taking large knives and decapitating the victims. A voice-over on the video announces that the students at the University of Missouri are sick and tired of racism and disrespect, white privilege, bigotry and tough academic standards.

“Kids will be kids,” said Missouri Department of Investigation head Culpepper Lee. “We all had some wild times in college. They’ll outgrow this.”

Meanwhile protestors clashed with graduate student teachers near the campus gym, the last stronghold of academia. Protesters vowed to “clean out that nest of racism and put all resistance to the sword.”

Fiorina Files Suit

LAS VEGAS (AIP) – Republican presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina today filed suit in federal court against the Mirror, Mirror On The Wall Company, makers of the world famous interactive mirror, contending that her mirror has told her for several years that she is the fairest of the all and that simply isn’t true.

“As much as I find him distasteful, what Donald Trump said about me is unfortunately true,” said Fiorina, speaking to reporters at the Las Vegas Convention Center Tuesday. “It seems that my face really does make me unelectable. My mirror never once told me that.”

Max Prior, spokesman for the Mirror, Mirror Company, defended the manufacture’s most popular product.

“It’s a comfort device,” said Prior. “Do women really want to go into their bathrooms every morning and hear that Candice Swanepoel is the fairest of them all? Does a woman really want to hear that she’s the 3,429,356,623rd fairest woman in the world? Of course not. Our mirror makes women feel good about themselves.”

In related legal news, Fiorina’s suit against the Jack Agricultural Products company continues to work its way through the courts. In that suit, attorneys for Fiorina contend that she was injured when the bean stock grown from Jack’s Magic Beans collapsed while the candidate was attempting an ascent to the Giant’s castle.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

New Clinton Poll Numbers Not Surprising

NEW YORK (AIP) – The results of a new Quinac University national poll show that seven of 10 voters “fervently wish” that Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton would take her own life, a 27 percent increase over the August results.

“People really want her to kill herself in overwhelming numbers,” said PUD analyst Michael Fraley. “It seems that more and more American’s are simply sick and tired of her lies, subterfuge, equivocations, falsehoods, misrepresentations and hubris.”

Poll respondent Monica Bradenton, a 38-year old dental hygienist from Tupelo, MS, made her feelings on the subject quite clear.

“If she committed suicide on pay-per-view I’d buy a fucking ticket to watch in HD,” said Bradenton.

Clinton, responding to questions about the polls latest results, seemed nonplussed.

“Kill myself? You mean like with a gun?” Clinton said to reporters.

The poll shows that almost 71 percent of likely voters mean exactly that.

The new poll also shows a slight decline in the number of likely voters who would enjoy seeing Clinton choke to death on a piece of meat. Forty Seven percent of voters now care to see her do that, down from 55 percent one month ago. The number of voters who would like her to crack her head open as a result of a fall in the shower remained constant 38 percent

Friday, November 6, 2015

Saints Find Key To Victory

NEW ORLEANS (AIP) – The New Orleans Saints, whose stunning 27-20 upset of the Carolina Panthers last Sunday was inspired by the remarkable play of rookie safety Michael Keenan after his brother was murdered in Fredericksburg less than 48 hours before the game, has inspired Saints management to take a new path to future victory.

“We’ve decided that we’re going to have one of our player’s relatives murdered by at least Friday of every week during the regular season,” said Saints general manager Clayton Max. “It’s amazing what a homicide can do for the won-loss record.”

Max said that the selection of the next victim would be random, ensuring that each player has an equal and ample opportunity to have a standout, career game.

“By having a player’s loved one gunned down, we’re allowing our men to put some fantastic plays on tape,” said Max. “We’re going to use a modified scissors, paper, rock selection process to pick each week’s victim.”

Max expects to see some great things with this new strategy.

“If we make the playoffs we might go ahead and have entire family units slaughtered,” said Max. “This approach to the playoffs gives us a real shot at the Super Bowl.”