Monday, August 31, 2015

Kyle Sandbags Reporters

TAMPA (AIP) – Local resident Mitch Kyle, speaking to reporters at his weekly press conference on Monday, appeared disheveled and unshaven and singularly unable to explain himself or his actions over the prior 48 hours.

“I don’t really remember,” said Kyle, his tie unknotted and hair uncombed. “Some of it’s pretty hazy and the rest of it is best left alone. I’m not really sure I should even be talking about it. As far as I remember nobody got hurt and my car – undamaged - is parked in its usual spot.”

Reporters were quick to point out that many unanswered questions surround Kyle’s weekend activities. Questions that loomed large in light of his future aspirations. He was fierce in his refusal to be pinned down.

“There are many things I may or may not have done,” said Kyle. “I’m not sure why any of it is any of your business.”

Sources have hinted at some ‘unseemly activities’ that Kyle may have participated in on both the previous Saturday and Sunday, but a public records check revealed no arrests or outstanding warrants.

Sheriff's Office spokesman Chris Hamilton said that his office is reviewing surveillance video from several locations in the Tampa area. Hillsborough County State Attorney Henry Lee Crow refused to comment about any ongoing investigation.

“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” Kyle asked as he ended the press conference. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

New Charity Fundraiser Craze Sweeping The Nation

BOSTON (AIP) – A new charity fundraising event is sweeping the nation. The Seven Story Challenge is quickly becoming the new, popular event to raise money for handicapped children, much like the Ice Bucket Challenge of 2014 helped fund research for a cure for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS).

“The Seven Story Challenge is a really great way to raise money to help those less fortunate and it’s a lot of fun,” said Boston event organizer Lou McCormick. “Like the Ice Bucket Challenge, participants raise pledges from friends, family and local businesses. Then they pick a seven story building in their local city and fling themselves from the roof.”

“This is a blast,” Boston participant Marvin Collins told reporters moments before hurling himself from the top of the Bruce Bolling Building to a certain death on the pavement in the heart of Boston.

McCormick said that people often film their local events and put the footage on YouTube.

“There’s some pretty horrific video of the Challenge out there,” said McCormick. “Seven stories is the minimum height of the events we sponsor, but there’s no limit. I saw footage from one event participants were jumping of the 27-story Kensington Building on Washington Street. When they hit they were as flat as pancakes.”

Local businessman Kyle McLaughlin, whose dry cleaning chain recently went into receivership raised $1,500 in pledges and then threw himself from the top floor of the roof of the Millennium Tower in the Downtown Crossing area. In a note he left behind he said he was grateful for the opportunity to help raise money for handicapped children.

“This event was exciting and meaningful for handicapped children everywhere,” read McLaughlin’s note. “And fuck that blood sucking, bitch ex-wife of mine.”

McCormick said that participants in the Challenge that accidentally survive the challenge are allowed to keep the donations that they raise.

“All of the very few of them at lived through the event have some pretty significant internal injuries and could really use those donations for medical expenses,” said McCormick.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Local Attorney Shocks Jurors During Trial

ORLANDO (AIP) – Prominent local defense attorney Jeffrey Main shocked jurors and spectators in Court on Wednesday when, during his client’s testimony in her felony battery trial, he suddenly wrapped his fingers around her throat and strangled the life out of her.

“He just snapped,” said friend and fellow defense attorney Ryan Mingor. “Jeff got his undergraduate degree in English from the University of Tennessee. He comes absolutely unglued when his clients mispronounce or misuse common English words. It’s a real pet peeve for him. This time he might have gone too far.”

A trial transcript seems to indicate that the trouble began early when Main called his client to the stand to testify in her own defense in the battery case. He told his client, Renee Washington, to introduce herself to the jury and tell them where she lived. She told jurors she resided at 917 West Walnut ‘Screet’.

“The correct word is, of course, ‘street’,” said Mingor, speaking to reporters after the incident.

Later during her testimony, Main asked his client if she had ever been convicted of a felony. Her response, according to the transcript, was that she had been charged with a previous felony but had received a ‘wiffhold of adjudification’.

“It’s ‘withhold of adjudication,” said Mingor. “There isn’t an ‘f’ in either one of those words. When she said that I could see that Jeff was really tensing up.”

Main apparently lost control when his client told the jury that prior to the alleged incident she had gone to the courthouse to get a ‘conjunction’ against the woman who later became the victim in the battery.

“She obviously didn’t go to the courthouse to get a word used to connect clauses in a sentence,” said Mingor. “What she attempted to get was an ‘injunction’ against the other woman. When she said that Main just snapped."

According to witnesses, Main grunted loudly one time, walked to the witness box and began strangling his client.

“We had three deputies trying to pry him off of her, but he wouldn’t let go,” said Orange County Deputy Sheriff Milton Wilcox. “Finally, when she was dead, he released his grip and calmly allowed us to take him into custody.”

Murder charges are pending in the case.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Rawl Calls It Quits

LARGO, FL (AIP) – Andy Rawl, famous for his never say die attitude and rosy outlook on life, told reporters Sunday that he’s finally calling it quits.

“To quote Roberto Duran, it’s ‘No Mas’,” Rawl told reporters in a hastily called press conference. “I’m done. I’m tossing in the towel.”

Supporters and friends were stunned by the announcement.

“This is a guy that has bet on the Tampa Bay Bucs to win every Sunday for the last 29 years,” said close friend Ryan Mingor. “Hell, I got a line of credit from my bank based solely on the condition that he loses at least nine times a season. He ends that and I’m in some trouble.”

Equally troubled was friend Harley Rimond.

“That stupid son of a bitch,” said Rimond. “He’s backed every dumb play, harebrained scheme and dubious endeavor that’s ever been launched. We’ve counted on him to be the guy that never says die. I guess he’s finally swallowed a little too much reality.”

"Stupid son of a bitch doesn't understand that when you stop dreaming all you have left are the nightmares."

Rawl told reporters that the time had come to stop seeing the bright side of things.

“When I lost my ass on that Solyndra investment I should have know,” said Rawl. “Lately it’s just one misstep after another. I’m done with all that. No more wishing on rainbows.

"From now on I'm only buying in to the cold and real."

The New York Stock Exchange lost 223 points after the announcement and bums everywhere realized that there would be no more free cigarettes or pocket change.

“Damn it,” said homeless Sidney Carlisle. “I always counted on his butts as an inexpensive way to augment my nicotine habit. Guess that’s over.”


Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Group Raises Minimum Wage To $15 An Hour

NEW YORK (AIP) – In a move touted as a break through by fast food workers and other traditional minimum wage employees, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has announced that beginning October 1 the organization will increase its minimum wage to $15.00 an hour for new employees.

“We feel that a living wage is a human right,” said Ayman al-Julani, spokesman for the terror group based in Iraq. “Sure, cutting off heads and lighting people on fire isn’t what you would call ‘highly skilled’ work, but our new employees have families to feed and bills to pay."

Mary Lou Boise, spokesman for the Service Employees International Union (SEIU), proclaimed the announcement by ISIS as a ‘new beginning’ for labor.

“Whether you’re cooking fries or slaughtering hostages, you deserved to make enough to live,” said Boise. “Management makes enough to live. Ownership makes enough to live. Why shouldn’t the working man and woman?

“The SEIU calls for all terrorist organizations to increase their base pay to a living wage.”

Opponents of the ISIS announcement were steadfast in their criticism of the unilateral increase in the minimum wage.
“This is going to drive the price of the average decapitation up dramatically,” said Senator Michael Dugger (R-Tennessee). “I guess that’s just one more thing an average working class family can’t afford to do.”

Neither Al Qaeda nor Hamas has announced plans to likewise increase the minimum wage for their new employees, although Hamas has a long-standing policy of generous bonuses for new employees after they complete their first suicide bombings.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Trump, Kelly To End Feud

NEW YORK (AIP) – In a stunning continuation of the feud which began during the Republican debate last Thursday night, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has decided to once and for all end his dispute with Fox New Channel’s Megyn Kelly brought about by what he saw as a personal attack during the live telecast.

“I sent my second over to her office and challenged her to a duel,” said Trump, speaking to reporters Tuesday. “It’s pistols at 20 paces. When this is over not only will the red be coming from her eyes and nose and other places, I plan to hit her center mass so red should be coming out of a brand new hole in her sternum.”

Kelly’s second, Fox New personality Greg Gutfeld, was quick to accept the challenge on behalf of his master.

“Game on,” said Gutfeld on Tuesday.

Kelly is 22-0 in duels to the death with interviewees she has offended with personal attacks. Trump, meanwhile, normally has those who offend his sense of personal honor killed by shady third parties who have no visible connection with the victims.

MSNBC plans to cover the duel live, scheduled to take place in a back alley just off Bleecker Street in New York on Friday. MSNCB president Phil Griffin is hoping for a surprise ending.

“We’d love to broadcast a live double kill,” said Griffin. “Each firing a perfect shot simultaneously and destroying the other. Wouldn’t that be great television?”