Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Protestors Firmly In Control At Mizzou

COLUMBIA, MO (AIP) – The group Concerned Student 1950 began the ritual executions of professors and staffers at the University of Missouri on Wednesday, vowing to cleanse the campus of “unrighteous, bigoted and racist” university personnel.

“These motherfuckers are going to lose their heads,” said student activist and Concerned Student 1950 leader Marcus Washburn. “We’re going to drive elitist behavior, white privilege and tough curriculum right off of this campus at knife point.”

Three professors from the History Department were decapitated late Wednesday, according to a video posted on YouTube by a group claiming to be the Revolutionary Peoples Student Government, a heretofore unknown organization.

The video purports to show the three white professors, each over 60, being forced to kneel and then hoodie-wearing students can be seen taking large knives and decapitating the victims. A voice-over on the video announces that the students at the University of Missouri are sick and tired of racism and disrespect, white privilege, bigotry and tough academic standards.

“Kids will be kids,” said Missouri Department of Investigation head Culpepper Lee. “We all had some wild times in college. They’ll outgrow this.”

Meanwhile protestors clashed with graduate student teachers near the campus gym, the last stronghold of academia. Protesters vowed to “clean out that nest of racism and put all resistance to the sword.”

Fiorina Files Suit

LAS VEGAS (AIP) – Republican presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina today filed suit in federal court against the Mirror, Mirror On The Wall Company, makers of the world famous interactive mirror, contending that her mirror has told her for several years that she is the fairest of the all and that simply isn’t true.

“As much as I find him distasteful, what Donald Trump said about me is unfortunately true,” said Fiorina, speaking to reporters at the Las Vegas Convention Center Tuesday. “It seems that my face really does make me unelectable. My mirror never once told me that.”

Max Prior, spokesman for the Mirror, Mirror Company, defended the manufacture’s most popular product.

“It’s a comfort device,” said Prior. “Do women really want to go into their bathrooms every morning and hear that Candice Swanepoel is the fairest of them all? Does a woman really want to hear that she’s the 3,429,356,623rd fairest woman in the world? Of course not. Our mirror makes women feel good about themselves.”

In related legal news, Fiorina’s suit against the Jack Agricultural Products company continues to work its way through the courts. In that suit, attorneys for Fiorina contend that she was injured when the bean stock grown from Jack’s Magic Beans collapsed while the candidate was attempting an ascent to the Giant’s castle.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

New Clinton Poll Numbers Not Surprising

NEW YORK (AIP) – The results of a new Quinac University national poll show that seven of 10 voters “fervently wish” that Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton would take her own life, a 27 percent increase over the August results.

“People really want her to kill herself in overwhelming numbers,” said PUD analyst Michael Fraley. “It seems that more and more American’s are simply sick and tired of her lies, subterfuge, equivocations, falsehoods, misrepresentations and hubris.”

Poll respondent Monica Bradenton, a 38-year old dental hygienist from Tupelo, MS, made her feelings on the subject quite clear.

“If she committed suicide on pay-per-view I’d buy a fucking ticket to watch in HD,” said Bradenton.

Clinton, responding to questions about the polls latest results, seemed nonplussed.

“Kill myself? You mean like with a gun?” Clinton said to reporters.

The poll shows that almost 71 percent of likely voters mean exactly that.

The new poll also shows a slight decline in the number of likely voters who would enjoy seeing Clinton choke to death on a piece of meat. Forty Seven percent of voters now care to see her do that, down from 55 percent one month ago. The number of voters who would like her to crack her head open as a result of a fall in the shower remained constant 38 percent

Friday, November 6, 2015

Saints Find Key To Victory

NEW ORLEANS (AIP) – The New Orleans Saints, whose stunning 27-20 upset of the Carolina Panthers last Sunday was inspired by the remarkable play of rookie safety Michael Keenan after his brother was murdered in Fredericksburg less than 48 hours before the game, has inspired Saints management to take a new path to future victory.

“We’ve decided that we’re going to have one of our player’s relatives murdered by at least Friday of every week during the regular season,” said Saints general manager Clayton Max. “It’s amazing what a homicide can do for the won-loss record.”

Max said that the selection of the next victim would be random, ensuring that each player has an equal and ample opportunity to have a standout, career game.

“By having a player’s loved one gunned down, we’re allowing our men to put some fantastic plays on tape,” said Max. “We’re going to use a modified scissors, paper, rock selection process to pick each week’s victim.”

Max expects to see some great things with this new strategy.

“If we make the playoffs we might go ahead and have entire family units slaughtered,” said Max. “This approach to the playoffs gives us a real shot at the Super Bowl.”

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Opening Arguments Begin In Lawsuit

CHESHIRE, ENGLAND (AIP) – Opening Statements began today between co-defendants Hamilton Fence Company and the King, who find themselves being sued by the estate of Mr. Humpty Dumpty, whose life was allegedly cut short by a fall from a defective wall built by the Hamilton Company.

“Hamilton Fence created an attractive nuisance with the construction of that wall which enticed my client,” said Attorney Charles Beck-Whitmore, counsel for the Dumpty’s estate. “And after his tragic fall, both the King’s horses and the King’s men rendered ineffectual medical care, hastening the death of Mr. Dumpty.”

Beck-Whitmore is best known for successfully suing the owner of the hill where his client Jack fell down and broke his crown.

“The plaintiff in this case knew or should have known that - being an egg - a fall from any height would likely be fatal and therefore should have avoided climbing the Hamilton wall,” said defense attorney Carol Wagner. “He was the primary contributor to his own demise.”

Martin Kline, attorney for co-defendant the King, took a similar line.

“Dumpty was a well-know daredevil,” said Kline. “His shell was only 400 micromillimeters thick, for god’s sake. It’s like he was trying to die.”

The plaintiff accuses the both the King’s horses and the King’s men of improper medical attention after the fall.

“There was yolk fucking everywhere,” said Kline. “How were the defendants supposed to put that back together again?”

Arguments in the case continue tomorrow.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Local Boy Personally Effected By Climate Change

FARMVILLE, VA (AIP) – Prince Edward County Middle School Eighth grader Tommy Eversburger has announced that his is completely unable to master geometry because of the devastating effects of man made climate change to our world.

“Add my inability to ‘get’ geometry to the list that includes sea levels rising, ice sheets melting, the creating of ISIS,decreasing snow cover and ocean acidification,” said Eversburger. “This man made problem is probably going to make me repeat the 8th grade.”

President Barack Obama, who upon learning of the devastating personal effects of man made climate change on Eversburger’s invited him to the White House to discuss what steps the government might take to ameliorate the problem.

“There are things we can do to help young Tommy,” Obama told reporters at a Rose Garden press conference, flanked by Eversburger and former Vice President Al Gore. “I am issuing executive orders that will immediately tax and regulate coal burning power producing plants completely out of existence in a matter of months.

“My administration will also see to it that everyone walks to work from now on and there will be no more charcoal grills sold or used in the United States.”

A grateful Eversburger told the press that he was excited by the new government intervention into the economy.
“Well, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to learn geometry, but I think it’s cool that someone is finally doing something positive,” said Eversburger.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Local Man Makes Stunning Discovery

DECATUER, GA (AIP) – Local journeyman electrician Michael Thomas, 27, was stunned to learn Friday that former Vice President Al Gore’s real name is simply Al Gore.

“I always thought his name was FuckingAlGore,” said Thomas. “I was shocked to read that his name is simply Al Gore. I’ve never heard that. The ‘fucking’ has always been said first by everyone I know. Jeez. I feel really stupid.”

Harvard political science professor Martin Van Ness said that many people make the same mistake with Gore’s name.

“Most Americans think his name is really FuckingAlGore,” said Van Ness. “That’s not what his birth certificate says. It’s just kind of become shorthand for the American peple.”

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Clinton Takes Campaign Hit

SALEM, MS (AIP) – Democratic candidate for President and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, visiting Salem during a campaign sweep of the Northeast, was accused by local residents Mary Parsons of being a witch and subjected to the Water Test Thursday by local officials eager to rid their town of the minions of Satan.

“She bewitched me”, said Parsons, a science teacher at Middleburg High School. “In fact, she’s bewitched the whole country. She is clearly of the Devil and I lodged a formal complaint with the town clerk. I believe they took appropriate measures to cleanse us evil.”

Clinton was speaking to a sparse crowd at Middleburg High School when Sheriff Milton Smith, acting on a directive from the town council formally arrested her, trussed her with rope and flung her into the Naumkeag River.

“It’s the law,” said Smith. “Clinton seemed surprised that she was actually subject to it.”

According to the Water Test, a suspected witch is securely bound by rope and thrown into a body of water. If the suspect floats to the surface it is because she is held up by the Devil. A suspect that sinks to the bottom and drowns is considered innocent and posthumously exonerated of the charges.

“Clinton floated,” said Smith. “She's a witch. Case closed.”

Clinton was last seen bobbing out into the open Atlantic.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Kyle Sandbags Reporters

TAMPA (AIP) – Local resident Mitch Kyle, speaking to reporters at his weekly press conference on Monday, appeared disheveled and unshaven and singularly unable to explain himself or his actions over the prior 48 hours.

“I don’t really remember,” said Kyle, his tie unknotted and hair uncombed. “Some of it’s pretty hazy and the rest of it is best left alone. I’m not really sure I should even be talking about it. As far as I remember nobody got hurt and my car – undamaged - is parked in its usual spot.”

Reporters were quick to point out that many unanswered questions surround Kyle’s weekend activities. Questions that loomed large in light of his future aspirations. He was fierce in his refusal to be pinned down.

“There are many things I may or may not have done,” said Kyle. “I’m not sure why any of it is any of your business.”

Sources have hinted at some ‘unseemly activities’ that Kyle may have participated in on both the previous Saturday and Sunday, but a public records check revealed no arrests or outstanding warrants.

Sheriff's Office spokesman Chris Hamilton said that his office is reviewing surveillance video from several locations in the Tampa area. Hillsborough County State Attorney Henry Lee Crow refused to comment about any ongoing investigation.

“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” Kyle asked as he ended the press conference. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

New Charity Fundraiser Craze Sweeping The Nation

BOSTON (AIP) – A new charity fundraising event is sweeping the nation. The Seven Story Challenge is quickly becoming the new, popular event to raise money for handicapped children, much like the Ice Bucket Challenge of 2014 helped fund research for a cure for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS).

“The Seven Story Challenge is a really great way to raise money to help those less fortunate and it’s a lot of fun,” said Boston event organizer Lou McCormick. “Like the Ice Bucket Challenge, participants raise pledges from friends, family and local businesses. Then they pick a seven story building in their local city and fling themselves from the roof.”

“This is a blast,” Boston participant Marvin Collins told reporters moments before hurling himself from the top of the Bruce Bolling Building to a certain death on the pavement in the heart of Boston.

McCormick said that people often film their local events and put the footage on YouTube.

“There’s some pretty horrific video of the Challenge out there,” said McCormick. “Seven stories is the minimum height of the events we sponsor, but there’s no limit. I saw footage from one event participants were jumping of the 27-story Kensington Building on Washington Street. When they hit they were as flat as pancakes.”

Local businessman Kyle McLaughlin, whose dry cleaning chain recently went into receivership raised $1,500 in pledges and then threw himself from the top floor of the roof of the Millennium Tower in the Downtown Crossing area. In a note he left behind he said he was grateful for the opportunity to help raise money for handicapped children.

“This event was exciting and meaningful for handicapped children everywhere,” read McLaughlin’s note. “And fuck that blood sucking, bitch ex-wife of mine.”

McCormick said that participants in the Challenge that accidentally survive the challenge are allowed to keep the donations that they raise.

“All of the very few of them at lived through the event have some pretty significant internal injuries and could really use those donations for medical expenses,” said McCormick.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Local Attorney Shocks Jurors During Trial

ORLANDO (AIP) – Prominent local defense attorney Jeffrey Main shocked jurors and spectators in Court on Wednesday when, during his client’s testimony in her felony battery trial, he suddenly wrapped his fingers around her throat and strangled the life out of her.

“He just snapped,” said friend and fellow defense attorney Ryan Mingor. “Jeff got his undergraduate degree in English from the University of Tennessee. He comes absolutely unglued when his clients mispronounce or misuse common English words. It’s a real pet peeve for him. This time he might have gone too far.”

A trial transcript seems to indicate that the trouble began early when Main called his client to the stand to testify in her own defense in the battery case. He told his client, Renee Washington, to introduce herself to the jury and tell them where she lived. She told jurors she resided at 917 West Walnut ‘Screet’.

“The correct word is, of course, ‘street’,” said Mingor, speaking to reporters after the incident.

Later during her testimony, Main asked his client if she had ever been convicted of a felony. Her response, according to the transcript, was that she had been charged with a previous felony but had received a ‘wiffhold of adjudification’.

“It’s ‘withhold of adjudication,” said Mingor. “There isn’t an ‘f’ in either one of those words. When she said that I could see that Jeff was really tensing up.”

Main apparently lost control when his client told the jury that prior to the alleged incident she had gone to the courthouse to get a ‘conjunction’ against the woman who later became the victim in the battery.

“She obviously didn’t go to the courthouse to get a word used to connect clauses in a sentence,” said Mingor. “What she attempted to get was an ‘injunction’ against the other woman. When she said that Main just snapped."

According to witnesses, Main grunted loudly one time, walked to the witness box and began strangling his client.

“We had three deputies trying to pry him off of her, but he wouldn’t let go,” said Orange County Deputy Sheriff Milton Wilcox. “Finally, when she was dead, he released his grip and calmly allowed us to take him into custody.”

Murder charges are pending in the case.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Rawl Calls It Quits

LARGO, FL (AIP) – Andy Rawl, famous for his never say die attitude and rosy outlook on life, told reporters Sunday that he’s finally calling it quits.

“To quote Roberto Duran, it’s ‘No Mas’,” Rawl told reporters in a hastily called press conference. “I’m done. I’m tossing in the towel.”

Supporters and friends were stunned by the announcement.

“This is a guy that has bet on the Tampa Bay Bucs to win every Sunday for the last 29 years,” said close friend Ryan Mingor. “Hell, I got a line of credit from my bank based solely on the condition that he loses at least nine times a season. He ends that and I’m in some trouble.”

Equally troubled was friend Harley Rimond.

“That stupid son of a bitch,” said Rimond. “He’s backed every dumb play, harebrained scheme and dubious endeavor that’s ever been launched. We’ve counted on him to be the guy that never says die. I guess he’s finally swallowed a little too much reality.”

"Stupid son of a bitch doesn't understand that when you stop dreaming all you have left are the nightmares."

Rawl told reporters that the time had come to stop seeing the bright side of things.

“When I lost my ass on that Solyndra investment I should have know,” said Rawl. “Lately it’s just one misstep after another. I’m done with all that. No more wishing on rainbows.

"From now on I'm only buying in to the cold and real."

The New York Stock Exchange lost 223 points after the announcement and bums everywhere realized that there would be no more free cigarettes or pocket change.

“Damn it,” said homeless Sidney Carlisle. “I always counted on his butts as an inexpensive way to augment my nicotine habit. Guess that’s over.”

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Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Group Raises Minimum Wage To $15 An Hour

NEW YORK (AIP) – In a move touted as a break through by fast food workers and other traditional minimum wage employees, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has announced that beginning October 1 the organization will increase its minimum wage to $15.00 an hour for new employees.

“We feel that a living wage is a human right,” said Ayman al-Julani, spokesman for the terror group based in Iraq. “Sure, cutting off heads and lighting people on fire isn’t what you would call ‘highly skilled’ work, but our new employees have families to feed and bills to pay."

Mary Lou Boise, spokesman for the Service Employees International Union (SEIU), proclaimed the announcement by ISIS as a ‘new beginning’ for labor.

“Whether you’re cooking fries or slaughtering hostages, you deserved to make enough to live,” said Boise. “Management makes enough to live. Ownership makes enough to live. Why shouldn’t the working man and woman?

“The SEIU calls for all terrorist organizations to increase their base pay to a living wage.”

Opponents of the ISIS announcement were steadfast in their criticism of the unilateral increase in the minimum wage.
“This is going to drive the price of the average decapitation up dramatically,” said Senator Michael Dugger (R-Tennessee). “I guess that’s just one more thing an average working class family can’t afford to do.”

Neither Al Qaeda nor Hamas has announced plans to likewise increase the minimum wage for their new employees, although Hamas has a long-standing policy of generous bonuses for new employees after they complete their first suicide bombings.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Trump, Kelly To End Feud

NEW YORK (AIP) – In a stunning continuation of the feud which began during the Republican debate last Thursday night, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has decided to once and for all end his dispute with Fox New Channel’s Megyn Kelly brought about by what he saw as a personal attack during the live telecast.

“I sent my second over to her office and challenged her to a duel,” said Trump, speaking to reporters Tuesday. “It’s pistols at 20 paces. When this is over not only will the red be coming from her eyes and nose and other places, I plan to hit her center mass so red should be coming out of a brand new hole in her sternum.”

Kelly’s second, Fox New personality Greg Gutfeld, was quick to accept the challenge on behalf of his master.

“Game on,” said Gutfeld on Tuesday.

Kelly is 22-0 in duels to the death with interviewees she has offended with personal attacks. Trump, meanwhile, normally has those who offend his sense of personal honor killed by shady third parties who have no visible connection with the victims.

MSNBC plans to cover the duel live, scheduled to take place in a back alley just off Bleecker Street in New York on Friday. MSNCB president Phil Griffin is hoping for a surprise ending.

“We’d love to broadcast a live double kill,” said Griffin. “Each firing a perfect shot simultaneously and destroying the other. Wouldn’t that be great television?”

Thursday, July 30, 2015

World Demands Answers About Cecil The Lion

NEW YORK (AIP) – People from around the world, outraged at the stalking and killing of Cecil the lion near a game preserve in Zimbabwe by American dentist Walter J. Palmer, have been asking what kind of man would do such a cruel thing and why.

New York University anthropologist Dr. William Mells, a expert on personality types, who has studied big game hunters for more than 20 years thinks he has the answer.

“The personality type of a man who would pay over $50,000 to fly halfway around the world to kill what was apparently a tame, people-friendly lion is actually pretty common in society” said Mells, speaking to reporters Friday. “You probably even know one or two.

“He’s generally a middle aged white male who recently purchased a Red or Black Corvette in an effort to mask his testosterone deficiency. The top three buttons of his shirt will be open, revealing a remarkably gaudy gold necklace.”

Mells told reporters that there are other indicators.

“He’s the guy at the bar that pays the attractive young bartender for his two beers with a hundred dollar bill,” said Mells. “In public he will talk way too loudly about the many expensive electronic items that he recently purchased. He will brag about his non-existent ‘really great’ golf game and intimate that he’s had sex with just about every desirable woman in the city.”

While some of these traits may appear in those who don’t have a predilection for killing big game animals, Dr. Mells says there’s one surefire indicator of those who do.

“The personality type we’ve been discussing will have the word ‘douche’ written across his forehead,” said Mells. “It isn’t visible under natural light, but throw a little black light on him and you can’t miss it.”

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Tiger Woods Frustrated By Poor Performance

ORLANDO (AIP) – Tiger Woods, the world’s former number one golfer, had perhaps the worst performance of his professional career Friday at the Chatham’s Place restaurant near his Orlando home, where for the first time in his career he was unable to find his mouth with a single forkful of food.

“It was stunning to watch,” said dinner partner Mark O’Meara, now golfing on the Champions Tour. “His approach was fine, but he just was unable to put the food in his mouth. It was horrible seeing the wheels come off like that.

“It’s unfortunate because when Tiger was on top of his game he would have destroyed that dinner.”

Woods, who selected the Brie Carroza salad to begin dinner, was painfully unable to put any of it in between his lips. In his final attempt he actually sent the salad off the table and it ended up some 15 feet away, near the dessert cart.

“I grew up watching him,” said 2015 British Open winner Zach Johnson who was paired with Sergio Garcia in the group behind Woods and O’Meara. “His dinner game has completely fallen apart. You could almost see the fear in his eyes when the waiter brought out the main course. He’s lost his confidence.”

When the staff brought out a lovely looking rack of lamb in rosemary au jus, things really got embarrassing for Woods.

“He couldn’t get it in the hole,” said O’Meara. “One of his attempts actually hooked off and flew into the gallery. It was a mile out.”

Woods, frustrated by his performance, retired halfway through the event and spoke to reporters.

“I hired a new fork coach and he’s completely changed my mechanics,” said Woods. “It’s going to take some time for me to settle in with the new approach style. I’ve got to be honest, it’s a bit frustrating.”

Woods’ former dinner coach Butch Harmon seemed amused by Woods dinner.

“When I was coaching him he could at least get dinner in his mouth,” said Harmon. “There’s every chance that he could starve to death before the Tour wraps up for the year.”

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

FSU Takes Steps To Stop Player Arrests

TALLAHASEE (AIP) – Outraged by a series of violent acts committed against women by members of his football team, Florida State University football coach Jimbo Fisher has instituted two new classes that each incoming freshman football player must complete before he ever takes the field.

“The first class is called ‘Don’t Leave a Mark’,” said Fisher, speaking to reporters Friday. “The second class is ‘Avoiding Video Surveillance’. We want our young players to be equipped with the knowledge and skills necessary to get through four years with our program without an arrest.

“Everyone smacks women around. We just don’t want our players to constantly be arrested for it.”

“I think it’s a step in the right direction,” said NCAA rules compliance spokesman Marty Shore. “UCLA and Ohio State have been offering those classes to incoming freshman for years. When’s the last time one of those schools had a player being arrested for bitch slapping a woman?”

Fisher said that the two orientation classes are just part of a comprehensive program to keep his players out of jail.

“The Tallahassee Police Department is on board with us,” said Fisher. “They’ve agreed to no longer respond to 911 calls involving Seminole football players. Their cooperation could really cut down on player arrests.”

Fisher said that he had no choice but to institute the new programs.

“There are two ways to tackle the problem,” said Fisher. “Either we make our players stop being violent toward women - which is never going to happen - or give them the skills to avoid detection and arrest.

“These are basically good young men we’re bringing in. And frankly I don’t think there’s a place on our team for an 18-year old who hasn’t smacked around a few women.”

Friday, July 10, 2015

Protestors Demand Racially Insensitive Name Be Changed

EASTON, PA (AIP) – The corporate headquarters building of the Dixie Cup Company, the world’s largest producer of paper and plastic disposable picnic dinnerware, was the target of thousands of angry protestors Friday demanding that the company change its racially charged name.

“We demand that this corporation drop the offensive name ‘Dixie’,” said the Reverend Al Sharpton, speaking to thousands of demonstrators. “That word is a slap in the face to millions of African-Americans, reminding us of the slavery ridden South.

"The might as well have named it the Lynching Cup Corporation."

In a statement released by the White House press office, President Barack Obama signaled his agreement.

“Next to global warming and the Confederate battle flag, the word ‘Dixie’ is the most existential threat our nation faces,” Obama said in the statement.

In a related demonstration at the offices of Kasper and Richter, protestors demanded that the compass manufacturer remove the direction ‘south’ from all of its compasses.

“It’s like some kind of agenda to humiliate the black man,” said protestor Marvin Littles. “When you tell a black man that he is heading south, the only thing he imagines is that he’s being sold into slavery. It’s racially insensitive.

“We demand that Kasper and Richter change the name of the direction from ‘south’ to ‘not north’.”

In another statement issued by the White House late Friday the President Obama again signaled his agreement.

“Next to global warming, the Confederate battle flag and the word ‘Dixie’, the direction ‘south’ is the most existential threat our nation faces,” Obama said in the statement.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Scientists Disagree About New Archaeological Find

NAIROBI, KENYA (AIP) – Archaeologists working a site on the outskirts of Nairobi have made an astonishing find that, if verified, will reset the fossil record and prove that assholes existed as far back as 12,000 years ago.

“We have found an asshole that carbon 14 dating indicates is at least 12,000 years old,” said Dr. Matthus Kingman, archaeologist in charge of the excavation. “We found an almost perfectly preserved skeleton with both middle fingers extended away from both otherwise clinched fists. The skeleton was clearly shooting the double bird at someone.”

Harvard Professor of Antiquities Dr. Blaine Quartermaster said that the find in itself doesn't conclusively prove that the skeleton was an asshole.

“There are two schools of thought here,” said Quartermaster. “The dominant and widely accepted theory is that assholes have been a recent development in the evolution of mankind and the fossil records seems to show that.

“And of course, the raised middle fingers by themselves don’t really prove this man was an asshole. He could have had arthritis.”

Kingman, who has named the skeleton ‘Nairobi Man’, said that there is plenty of proof that the man was an asshole.

“Aside from this man having died shooting the bird at someone, we also found a perfectly preserved Rolex Submariner still wrapped around his left wrist, a pair of Tony Lama lizard skin boots on his feet and the keys to a Corvette next to the remains,” said Kingman. “Clearly he was an asshole.”

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Invasion Catches NATO Off Guard

ROME (AIP) - In an event wholly unexpected by both NATO and the Pentagon, tribes of Gauls and Visigoths arrived outside the gates of the city of Rome, declaring their intent to "rape and pillage" the metropolitan area, an event that Italians haven’t experienced in over 1,500 years.

“This was completely unexpected,” said North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) spokesman Colonel Max Van Plank, speaking from NATO headquarters in Brussels. “We were prepared for a Russian move in the East, or Islamic terrorists. We didn’t expect to see Barbarians pouring down the Po Valley and headed to Rome again.”

The Germanic tribes, led by Alaric Jr., have threatened to ‘sow terror, fear and trembling’ throughout the entire country and reclaim the glory that was once theirs.

“Eternal City my ass,” said Alaric, speaking to reporters just outside the city limits. “We sacked this place in 410 and we’re back in 2015. We are so going to rape and pillage.

The Germanic tribes, led by Alaric Jr., have treated to ‘sow terror, fear and trembling’ throughout the entire Eternal City and reclaim the glory that was once theirs.

“Back in the day the entire population of Western Europe looked at us with fear. Well, were here to bring back the 4th Century A.D. like it never left.”

“There isn’t much NATO can do to stop this invasion,” said Van Plank. “It would appear that the people of Rome are again at the mercy of the Barbarians.”

Friday, June 26, 2015

Escaped Killers Still On The Lamb

Dannemora, NY (AIP) – In a stunning upset, political unknown Richard Matt has defeated incumbent James Tedisco (R,C,I –Glenvlle) in a election for the New York State Assembly, ending Tedisco’s hold on the seat that began in 2005.

“I can’t tell the wonderful folks of Dannemora how pleased I am to represent them,” said Matt, who first came to national attention when he and fellow convicted murderer David Sweat escaped from the Clinton Correctional Facility in Dannemora. “I can assure the people that I will use the same ‘get it done’ work ethic that I relied on to bang that hideous Joyce Mitchell over 100 times. I hated doing it, but we needed her and the power tools she provided.

"I'm all about getting it done for the good folks here in Dannemora.”

Meanwhile, authorities say that they hope to capture both escaped killers soon.

“We’re checking on some credible leads at this time and we won’t quit until they are recaptured,” said Clinton County District Attorney Andrew Wylie. “We’re hope that folks keep their eyes open and phone us if they see anything suspicious.

"Matt and Sweat will be caught. We will find them."

Matt, whose landslide 73 percent margin of victory set a New York State election record, spoke to supporters in the banquet room of the Hampton in Plattsburgh after his stunning victory.

“You folks are great Americans,” said Matt to the cheering crowd. “I’m going to Albany to represent you.”

In a related story, Matt’s escape accomplice David Sweat and his band The Diggers will be opening for Journey at the LaVell Edwards Stadium in Provo, UT on July 4, 2015.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Boston Bomber Tsarnaev Does An About-Face

BOSTON (AIP) -In an abrupt about face, convicted Boston Marathon Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev - after spending his entire trial smirking at witnesses and victims in his trial - apologized to those same people at the conclusion of the trial’s penalty phase, an action which many see as an attempt to avoid the death penalty.

"I am sorry for the lives I have taken, for the suffering that I have caused you, for the damage I have done, irreparable damage," Tsarnaev, 21, said in a courtroom filled with parents of the dead and some of those wounded in the April 15, 2013 bombing.

Religious experts point to a new fatwa issued by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, head of the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS), informing future jihad martyrs that there has been a ‘slight change’ in the afterlife in light of the tremendous number of women being raped by ISIS fighters. Going forward all future Islamic martyrs would receive 72 male virgins, in lieu of the previously promised 72 female virgins.

“Unfortunately, we’re fresh out of virgin women and will be for the foreseeable future,” the Fatwa states. “Hence forth, upon entering Paradise, everybody gets guys.”

Legal expert Martin Lawrence thinks the new information contained in the fatwa may have had an impact on Tsarnaev’s defense strategy.

“I’m guessing that this new information has suddenly made Paradise a little less attractive to him,” said Lawrence. “In fact, I believe he might have changed his mind about the joys of martyrdom completely.”

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

More Americans Join ISIS in Syria

NEW YORK (AIP) – Beloved purple and green dinosaur Barney, hero to a myriad of television watching children, has stunned and sadden his audience by leaving the United States and apparently joining others in the ranks of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), according to his longtime manager Buck Woodson.

“I know kids are stunned,” said Woodson. “Hell, I’m stunned. When I saw the video of Barney in the bed of that truck brandishing an AK47 during the battle for Palmyra I was shocked. There’s no mistaking a purple dino carrying an Islamic State flag. It’s him.”

Barney’s radicalization and embracing of ISIS is just the most recent in a growing list of American cartoon characters that have joined the ranks of the radical Islamic group attempting to create a caliphate in the Middle East.

“At first it was just Archie and Jughead so we weren’t really worried,” said Department of Homeland Security undersecretary Carolyn McMichael. “But then Bart Simpson joined, followed by Scooby Doo and Popeye.

“When Charlie Brown and Linus showed up in ISIS videos we knew we were in trouble.”

The Pentagon has announced that artists Stan Lee and Charles Schultz have agreed to consult with military planners on how best to erase the defectors from the battle field.

“We feel very fortunate, national security-wise,that none off the Disney stable of characters has been radicalized up till now,” said McMichael.

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Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Blugo Shocks Reporters

BRADENTON, FL (AIP) - In a rare outburst at his weekly press conference Cracker Barrel server Ryan Blugo grabbed an MSNBC reporter by the lapels and screamed "I just don’t care anymore".

"You people don't understand, I have lost all hope for the future," said the normally upbeat Blugo. "Everything has gone right to hell. Hillary Clinton is leading the field despite being a congenital liar. Al Sharpton is somehow the voice of Black America. Golden State won the NBA Championship and Dustin Johnson three putts the final hole at the US Open to lose.

“Who could possibly care about anything anymore?”

Blugo, reminded by reporters of his recent cancer remission, multimillion dollar lottery win late last year and the surprising health of his premature daughter, appeared complete distraught.

“The whole ISIS thing is pretty disturbing,” said Blugo, tears streaming down his cheeks. “The global warming bullshit has me doubting the intelligence of my fellow man. I mean really? Al fucking Gore?”

Blugo said the only bright spot he sees is the strength of the stock market.

“It’s still a raging bull,” said Blugo. “At least something is positive.”

Friday, June 12, 2015

Dugger's Arrest Sparks Outrage

ELIZABETHTON, TN (AIP) – Sports equipment manufacturer Nike and car maker Jaguar have both notified local resident Michael Dugger that they are terminating his relationship with their companies after his arrest for domestic violence on Wednesday evening.

“We feel that Mr. Dagger’s behavior is detrimental to our company’s image,” said Nike spokesman Victor Hubert. “While Mr. Dugger is innocent until proven guilty, the very fact of his arrest brings a dark cloud on him.”

According to police reports Dugger allegedly pushed his wife during a family argument in the couple’s living room.

National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell, speaking to reporters Thursday morning said that he was surprised and alarmed by Dugger’s actions.

“This guy has stepped outside the bounds of decency, if the reports are true,” said Goddell. “The league will be investigating this incident and, if found to be true, we will take decisive action.”

Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig issued a written statement decrying Dugger’s actions and urging authorities to quickly prosecute him for his actions.

“There’s no place in baseball for domestic violence,” said Selig’s statement.

President Barack Obama, speaking to reporters in the Rose Garden Thursday afternoon, stressed the need for a thorough investigation.

“The Justice Department has already begun a civil rights investigation into this matter,” said Obama. “It’s time in this country for folks to engage in some soul searching about domestic violence in general and we will get to the bottom of the unfortunate events in Elizabethton.”

Dugger,51, an assistant manager at the Elizabethton Big Lots store is bewildered by the high profile his case has developed, according to his attorney Christian Matthews.

“We’re unsure why all these people are weighing in with comments about this case,” said Matthews. “My client has never had a contract to represent Nike or Jaguar, doesn’t even watch professional football or baseball and has no ties to the government. We can’t understand why all these people are commenting on this very minor, local incident.”

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Wednesday, June 10, 2015

College Removes Hastert Name From Center

CHICAGO (AIP) – Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert’s alma mater Wheaton College, a liberal arts Christian school near Chicago, has removed his name from the college’s center for Economics, Government and Public Policy, proving once again that naming things after living people can be a real mistake.
“Historically, it’s never good to name buildings, schools, organizations or medical facilities after anyone still alive,” said Harvard historian Dr. Michael Burke. “Probably the classic example is that unfortunate Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School in Arlington, Texas that scrambled to rename itself John Connally Junior High after that unpleasantness in Dealy Plaza in November of 1963.
“The local school board there really dropped the ball on that one.”
Burke said that there’s a long history of similar mistakes.
“The living can go sideways on you at any time,” said Burke. “The John Wilkes Booth Trauma Center outside Washington, The Ted Bundy Foundation for the Performing Arts in Gainesville, Florida and Joseph Stalin Vocational School in Virginia are just a few examples. There have been a lot of bad naming choices.”
It isn’t always major public institutions that find themselves named after someone who later becomes infamous.
“There was that small restaurant outside Los Angeles that had to change its name from the Manson Family Diner after the Tate-Labianca situation,” said Burke. “At the same time the Squeaky Fromme Montessori School in Glendale had to rename itself.”
Occasionally, according to Burke, naming an institution after someone still alive seems almost prophetic.
“In the late 1970’s no one at the Penn State could understand why they named a new medical research center the Jerry Sandusky School for Sodomy Studies,” said Burke. “In retrospect, however, it seems to have worked out nicely.”

Friday, May 29, 2015

Battle Heats Up In Apartment Wars

BELLAIRE, FL (AIP) – The battle between the last remaining renter at the Del Sol Apartment Complex and the apartment’s owners, who want to see that renter gone and turn the complex into condominiums, seems to be entering a more serious phase.

“A month ago I came home from work and I had no water for eight hours,” said Jacob Castor, the complex’s final remaining resident. “A few days later I came home and the cable, which is included in my rent, was out and still is.

“Yesterday I got home and all the oxygen had been removed from my place.”

(Independent testing by an air quality lab hired by this publication showed that, indeed, the atmosphere in Castor’s apartment consisted entirely of hydrogen, nitrogen and trace amounts of helium.)

Owners of the property have planned to convert the presently rent controlled apartments into high end condos. State law precludes owners from evicting rent-paying tenants. All the other former residents were forced out, says Castor. He has refused to leave and says that ownership is turning to drastic measures to make him go.

“I was taking the garbage out last week when a baby grand piano fell from above and missed me by inches,” said Castor. “Bill Martin used to above me. He’s been gone two months and never owned a piano.

“Three weeks ago a war party of Seneca Indians camped outside my door for two nights and repeatedly attempted to get inside. When they finally left I found a tomahawk buried my front door.”

Ownership has expressed surprise at the spurt of recent events and a Pinellas Sheriff’s Office investigation has found all recent incidents at the Del Sol Apartments to be of ‘natural origin’.

“That’s bullshit,” said Castor of the Sheriff’s Office findings. “I left my place Saturday at noon to go to the Wal-Mart. On the way to the car I was attacked by a snow leopard, which is insane because everyone knows that snow leopards hunt at dusk and dawn only. I was lucky enough to get in my vehicle before the leopard got to me.”

Castor has vowed to remain, despite the threats.

“I ain’t going anywhere,” he said.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Brophy Admits Poor Performance On Friday

LAKELAND, FL (AIP) – Tom Brophy, in his usual post-work press conference, admitted that while he got the job done, it didn’t look like he gave his usual 100 percent at work on Friday.

“I knew going in that I was having trouble focusing,” said Brophy, an assistant produce manager at the Publix located in the Grove Park Shopping Center on US Highway 98. “The physical skills were there, but I couldn’t get a rhythm going. I couldn’t get into the groove.”

Store manager Kellie Johns rated Brophy’s Friday performance as ‘adequate’.

“He’s one hell of an assistant produce manager,” said Johns, whose store has won several national titles. “He came out of a high school that ran a pro-style books store where he was the star stocker. He was our number one pick and he started for us right away.”

“While he didn’t shine today, he did get the job done.”

Brophy told reporters that a verbal altercation with his girlfriend De Anna Thursday evening, coupled with his deep seated angst concerning the meaning of life and his place in the universe may have affected his work on Friday.

“I’ve got some issues to work through,” said Brophy. “I’ll watch some work film from today this evening and get my head together. I promise you that tomorrow I’ll be performing at 100 percent again.”

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Biden Speaks At Sexual Violence Conference

WASHINGTON (AIP) – Vice President Joe Biden, speaking at a conference on sexual violence being sponsored by the National Organization of Women, wowed the crowded conference hall Friday by telling attendees that he really enjoys raping women.

“Old Uncle Joe really gets off by raping girls,” the vice president said in his remarks. “There’s nothing like forcing a woman to pleasure you at gunpoint. It makes me nut pretty hard.”

Biden said that he’s been raping woman for years.

“Because of the office I hold, I’ve been able to travel around the country and the globe,” said Biden. “I’ve been able to rape women of all regions, socio-economic levels and religions. I have had some really great rapes. Screaming, fighting back, crying, and begging me to stop. Yes, I’m glad I chose this lifestyle.”

Biden said that he raping began years ago.

“I was masturbating quite a bit back then, Uncle Joe spanking the monkey all the time,” said Biden. “Then one day I realized that the world is full of poontang. A man just has to go out and take it by force and violence.”

Biden said that women are the only object of his vile and horrible desires.

“Hell, occasionally I rape dudes,” said Biden. “Packing the fudge factory can be a blast. Most men just cry when I’m raping them. Many of them want it anyway. Hell, it’s all pink inside.”

Biden said he plans to continue raping women every chance he gets.

“They’ll never catch me,” said Biden. “I don’t think the cops even look. Going forward I think Uncle Joe’s fuck stick is going to get quite the workout.”

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Friday, May 22, 2015

Player Ejected For Pine Tar

MILWAUKEE, WI (AIP) – The weekly marbles tournament at the Martin Van Buren Elementary School playground was marred Wednesday when officials ejected Billy Brooks for having pine tar on his right arm, in direct violation of league rules.

“It was a mistake,” said Brooks, who was leading the tournament until the semi-final round when he was tossed out for using the banned substance. “I only used the pine tar to warm up and simply forgot to remove it before competition began.”

League officials first noticed what appeared to be a dark smudge on Brooks’ aggie, the marble he uses as a shooter.

“It was unusual and it caught my attention,” said umpire Mickey Tran. “I’ve seen similar cheating before. It really gives the game a bad name.”

Marbles players have been known to use pine tar, rosin and similar banned substances to get better control of their shooting marbles. Marbles purists at Wednesday’s tournament were not surprised.

“Billy was knocking those sulfides and swirls out of the circle like nobody’s business,” said Kelsey Michaels, the eventual winner of Wednesday’s event. “Brooks is normally a tough competitor but nobody is that good.

“I’m not surprised however. The son of a bitch did the same thing in dodge ball last week.”

Brooks has a somewhat checkered history running afoul of league rules. In early 2014, while undergoing routine drug testing, officials found anabolic steroids in his system. He was banned from competition for an entire semester and forced to undergo counseling and random testing.

“I understand that there’s a lot on the line in this league,” said umpire Tran. “Some guys think its okay to break the rules to win.”

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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Doctors Announce Clinton Medical Discovery

NEW YORK (AIP) – A team of doctors and genetic researchers, hired by the Clinton Foundation to run a complete medical work up of former Secretary of State and First Lady Hillary Clinton made a startling announcement Friday at a hastily called press conference.

“Mrs. Clinton is in fine physical health,” said team leader Dr. Sidney Bloom. “However we discovered that there is something slightly irregular in her genetic makeup. The average human has about 24,000 genes in the genome. Mrs. Clinton has 23,999. She appears to have been born without the gene that produces truthfulness in humans.”

Clinton campaign vice chairman Miles Brooks was ecstatic when he heard the news.
“So her critics are all wrong,” said Brooks. “It isn’t moral failure, hubris, or venality. She was born with the physical inability to tell the complete and absolute truth. Untruthfulness is a part of her genetic makeup.”

Political writer Penny Goring was not particularly surprised at the announcement from the Clinton camp.

“Many people born with this defect seem to gravitate toward politics,” said Goring, in an article for the New York Post. “Perhaps the most famous was Richard Nixon, but there have been and are plenty of others. But those with this handicap aren’t found exclusively in politics. NBC’s Brian Williams apparently suffers from the same defect.

“This is really the best news the campaign could have gotten,” said Brooks. “Hillary certainly appealed to the woman voters, but now handicapped people everywhere can identify with her. The White House is hers in 2016.”

The Clinton campaign immediately secured Handicap parking hang tags in all 50 states for Mrs. Clinton.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Samsung Announces New AI Technology

SEOUL (AIP) – The Samsung Corporation, in a move that has investors driving up the company’s stock price, today announced the new Samsung 12 XEL32Q Smartass Cell Phone with artificial intelligence (AI) technology, revolutionizing the communications industry.

Smartass phone beta testers made available to the press for comment were ecstatic about the cell phone’s performance.

“This new smartass phone is fucking great,” said beta tester David Meyers, a convenience store clerk in Duluth, GA. “I called in sick to work using the Samsung 12 AI and then passed back out with a brutal hangover. My boss called me an hour later and wanted to know if I felt ok.

“The Samsung Smartass technology took over and -on its own - answered him that ‘I’m feeling your WIFE ok bitch!’. The phone is incredible.”

Samsung spokesman Ken Mashahito admits that the phone isn’t for everyone.

“To own this phone you’ve got to be a real individual,” said Mashahito. “This technology is for the communications edge-dweller. The AI technology is both unbelievable and frankly ungovernable. There’s every chance that along with telling your boss to go to hell in the middle of the night, the phone may very well answer your mother’s call checking to see if you’re coming over for Christmas dinner with a smart ‘Go fuck yourself’ in reply.”

“My boyfriend texted me yesterday to see if I was having a good day,” said beta tester Mandy Alberti, a graphics designer in New York City. “The phone, without my knowledge, texted him back that I’m ‘having a great day; never gotten laid by more strangers in a shorter time period’.

“Needless to say that AI-generated response caused a certain amount of strain on our relationship.”

“I attempted to change my password and the phone told me to kiss its ass,” said Billy Mahone, from Phoenix, AZ.

The Samsung 12 XEL32Q Smartass Cell Phone will be in stores beginning this Friday and retail for $895.00 before rebate.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Local Woman Vows To Fight Disease

TACOMA, WA (AIP) – Carol Wineglass remembers vividly the day that she sat in her doctor’s office and received the bad news. It was August 16, 2012 when she learned that she was going to die.

“I was in shock and then I just broke down and started crying,” Wineglass, 34, told reporters on Friday. “The doctor looked right into my eyes and told me that no matter what he did, he doubted that I had more than 60 years to live.

“I bawled my eyes out that day and then late that night I decided that I was going to fight this thing.”

Her physician, Dr. Karl Blankenship, had just informed Wineglass that she was infected with Mortality.

The American Medical Association Family Medical Guide says that individuals infected with Mortality are known as Mortals and the death rate from Mortality is 100 percent.

“Mortality itself, much like AIDS, isn’t the actual killer,” said Blankenship. “Mortality lowers the general immunity of sufferers and makes them more susceptible to things like disease, heart attack, accidents, random violent crime, mob actions, drowning, malfunctioning state fair rides, tidal waves, food poisoning, bridges collapsing, terrorist acts and the general stupid acts of others. In short, Mortals have to live what time they have left being much more watchful and careful than the rest of us.”

Wineglass said that her support group gives her hope.

“There are about 15 or so of us that get together regularly and discuss coping strategies, medical breakthroughs and possible herbal remedies,” said Wineglass. “We sit and comfort each other. Sometimes we just hold each other and cry and that’s alright.”

Her husband, Marty Wineglass, supports her fully.

“She’s a tough lady,” said Marty. “If anyone can beat this thing it’s her. I don’t care what the statistics say.”

Wineglass said her support group has raised over $28 million dollars to make Mortal’s final wishes come true.

“One of our members expressed a wish that she have seven pair of Prada shoes before she dies, one for each day of the week,” said Wineglass. “We were able to make that wish come true. That poor woman is in her mid fifties and only has 37 or 38 years left.”

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Friday, May 8, 2015

Biden Not Out Of The Race

WASHINGTON (AIP) - Vice President Joe Biden, who insiders say is still intent on running for President in 2016, took a few soft jabs at Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton on Friday, in a signal that she wasn't running unopposed.

"Everybody says she's a sure thing for President," Biden told reporters. "But Uncle Joe has been to a few rodeos. Nothing is a sure thing until you're dumping the used condom in the garbage can.

"George McGovern was a sure thing too, until he picked Tom Eagleton, which tore his balls off. Could be that old Hillary gets her balls torn off too."

As he spoke Biden attempted to hand reporters from MSNBC and the New York Times thick envelopes marked "inside shit" which both reporters declined to accept.

"Jesus tittyfucking christ boys, there's pure honey in these envelopes," said Biden. “You wouldn’t believe the shit that Hillary has been involved with. Don’t you want to know?”

Biden then opened one of the envelopes and began reading the contents but reporters at the press conference plugged their ears with their fingers and began humming “da, da, da, da, da” and quietly walked away, leaving a befuddled Biden alone in the room.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

ISIS Claims Responsibility

TELFORD, TN (AIP) Local CVS Drugstore assistant manager Clint Longwood got a flat tire on is 2001 Ford Explore on Thursday, and on Friday morning he got the shock of his life when he learned the reason why.

“Apparently I’ve been targeted by ISIS because I am an infidel,” said Longwood, a Southern Baptist.

The claim of responsibility for the flat tire was made on ISIS radio, broadcast out of the Syrian city of Raqqa, the putative capitol of the new Islamic Caliphate. The message said that young “soldiers of the caliphate, acting on orders” had punctured Longwood’s right rear tire because of his disrespect for the Prophet Muhammad.

“Our glorious soldiers, operating in the Land of the Great Satan will soon begin a frenzy of terror; toilet papering houses, exploding firecrackers in toilets, towel snapping non-believers in gym class showers,” the message said. “We will cause cars to fail to start in the morning, coffee spills on new suits and many major appliances to fail, just when you finally think you are getting ahead.

"The Great Satan is no longer immune to our attacks.”

Longwood was angry.

“The damn tire cost me $128.00, and that's only because my brother-in-law got me his employee discount,” said Longwood.

Later in the same broadcast the fundamentalist group took responsibility for professional golfer Phil Mickelson’s inability to sink putts in the PGA’s major golf events.

“Mickelson will never hit a put between 8 and 15 feet in any of the Majors because of his disrespect for Allah and the Prophet,” the broadcast said. "However, we aren't going to otherwise interfere with his short game, because interference with his sand or pitching wedge is forbidden by the Koran."

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Clinton Knocking Them Dead In Iowa

DES MOINES, IA (AIP) – Pollsters in Iowa, pointing to their latest survey of likely Democratic voters in 2016, have pretty much proclaimed that Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States, despite the damning new tell-all book The Clinton Connection.

“She’s a lock,” said Senior Pew Public Opinion researcher Thomas Giff. “There’s no one even close to her in the polls.”

The Clinton Connection, written by long time Clinton watcher Max Weygand, details with clear and convincing evidence how the Clinton Foundation has been involved with Latin American child sex trafficking, the opium trade in Southeast Asia, gun running to radical Islamic groups and cock fighting in rural South Carolina.

None of it seems to matter to voters.

“It’s amazing,” said Giff. “Nothing sticks to her. Over 83 percent of likely Democratic voters are blindly supporting her in a poll we did after the release of the latest book. She’s actually gained support.”

Giff said polls indicate that Clinton seems to have only one weakness.

“Historically, the only time Hillary has taken a dip in the polls is when a photo or video of her kankles appears in the media”, said Giff. “She’ll drop 15 or 20 points overnight if a shot of those bloated things are on the front page.

“As long as she sticks to pants on the campaign trail, she’s a shoo-in to get the nomination.”

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

New Federal Regulations Halt Development

GREENVALLEY, NC (AIP) – In a ruling announced Friday, the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has designated the land at both Boardwalk and Park Place to be ‘environmentally sensitive protected areas’ and denied developer Kyle Wilson’s request to build either houses or hotels on those properties.

“I mortgaged my holdings in Marvin Gardens and the Water Works to acquire those lands,” said Wilson, speaking to reporters Friday evening. “This new federal designation denies me the ability to develop these properties, which in turn will probably bankrupt me.”

Sister Shellie Wilson agreed with her brother.

“The new EPA requirements on the disposal of coal combustion residual (CCRs) have essentially forced me to board up the Electric Company,” said Shellie. “There is no way I can comply financially with the new environmental requirements.”

Meanwhile, a preliminary finding by the State Department will probably make father Matt Wilson’s dream of building a pipeline across his three properties at Pennsylvania, North Carolina and Pacific Avenues just a pipe dream indeed.

“These are now essentially worthless properties, thanks to intrusive government regulation in private industry,” said Matt.

Meanwhile the local governments of Baltic and Mediterranean Avenues have both declared bankruptcy and stopped making monthly pension payments to retired avenue workers, meaning that development in both the housing and hospitality industries has come to a halt.

“There’s no way I can win,” said an angry Matt Wilson. “In fact there’s no way that any of us can win. The family briefly discussed folding this up and moving on to play The Game Of Life, but new, higher income tax rates and Obama Care requirements have drained the fun out of that too.”

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Protesters Seek Justice In Baltimore

BALTIMORE (AIP) – Protesters in large numbers came out again Monday night in a show of civil disobedience in the wake of the death of local resident Freddie Gray and proceeded to loot every local electronics store of virtually every flat screen TV in the greater Baltimore area.

“The Hitachi, the Sony, the Magnavox; only by taking these will we find social justice,” said the Reverend James Carmichael, speaking to a crowd of mourners Monday afternoon. “It is only through the pilfering of high end electronics can the community find peace and justice.”

Protesters took Carmichael’s words to heart.

“The death of what’s his name is a crime that society must pay for”, said protester Marcus Washington, speaking while exiting the Best Buy with a 46 inch Sony TV under his arm. “We demand some fucking justice and Hi Def viewing pleasure.”

Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake urged business leaders to take preventative measure in the wake of the protests.

“We strongly urge businesses not to lock their doors or otherwise impede these protesters”, said Rawlings-Blake. “Businesses can avoid broken store front windows and wrenched-off doors by simply keeping their doors unlocked and their asses out of sight.”

By early Tuesday morning it became apparent to Carmichael and other protest leaders that the stock of available flat screen TVs had become exhausted.

“I’m now urging my fellow protesters to seek justice for Freddie Gray in the looting of top tier wrist watches, sunglasses and designer handbags,” said Carmichael. “This is how Gandhi or Martin Luther King would have adapted to meet this fluid situation.”

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Clinton Surges In Polls Despite Suspicion

GREEN RIVER, UT (AIP) – Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the main person of interest in a series of prostitute murders in Utah and Colorado along the I-70 corridor dubbed the ‘Green River Murders’, has surged to the top of the national polls as the people’s choice for the next President of the United States.

“I guess the people of America are finally ready for a President Clinton who sits down when she pisses,” said Clinton to a cheering crowd at a campaign rally in Dallas on Sunday. “It’s time to turn the tables and have Bill washing the lip stick stains out of my panties for a change.”

Green River Sheriff’s Captain Michael Fukes said that his office is finally closing in on Clinton.

“We have Clinton on surveillance video from the local Wal-Mart buying duct tape and a filet knife with a State Department credit card one day before the ducted taped body of local prostitute Jennie Brown was found with her throat sliced open,” said Fukes. “The only thing we don’t have is DNA evidence.

“Clinton is clever, but every time she comes to town, another prostitute ends up in a dumpster.”

True Hillary supporters seem to care less that the potential President may well have a great deal of blood on her hands.

“Has Hillary killed 13 prostitutes in Utah and Colorado?” asked supporter Andrea Jacobs of Salt Lake City. “Maybe, but frankly she could debone an infant on national television and I’d still vote for her. She’s a strong woman, like me, and I think it’s time people stop being so sexist.”

Fukes said his office is close to making an arrest in her case.

“Our main concern is that we arrest her for the murders, she gets elected President and pardons herself,” said Fukes.

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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Baylor Unable To Explain Poor Decisions

PRESCOTT, AZ (AIP) – Louis Baylor, famous nationally for his string of bad choices in critical life matters, was unable to give a cogent explanation to reporters again on Friday concerning his latest bone-headed decision which has caused his life to take yet another downward spiral.

“What can I tell you guys?” said Baylor, an independent contractor for a local cold call vacation phone operation. “It seems like I’m singularly unable to look at a clear choice between two competing directions and figure out the one that is actually in my best interests.”

Baylor’s incredible string of bad choices first began in 2000, when he sold a gold coin collection his late father had amassed and poured the proceeds into stock in the Enron Company. In 2001 Enron went famously tits up.

“Yeah, that wasn’t so smart,” said Baylor.

Following a string of horribly bad personal choices from 2001 to 2007 that cost Baylor his home, wife, at least two loyal dogs and the tip of his left pinky Baylor made the incredibly bad decision to invest the proceeds from his mother’s life insurance policy with Bear Stearns in early 2008.

“I don’t know what I was thinking on that one,” said Baylor.

As recently as February, 2015 Baylor ‘bet the farm’ on the Seattle Seahawks to beat New England in the Super Bowl.

“I can’t believe I lost my grandfather’s farm on that one,” said Baylor.

Baylor’s next chance to really fuck things up for himself will come in May of this year, when he will purchase airline tickets for his next vacation.

“It’s either Tahiti or Fallujah, Iraq,” Baylor told reporters. “I’m having a tough time deciding.”

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Systems Failure Traps Shoppers

ST. PETERSBURG, FL (AIP) – Six unfortunate shoppers were trapped for nearly nine hours at the Tyrone Shopping Mall’s Macy’s Department Store Friday when a critical system providing power to the escalator failed, trapping the shoppers between the first and second floors.

“It was a nightmare,” said Sherry McIntyre. “My 7-year old and I were trapped with the others halfway between floors. I was terrified.”

Eventually St. Petersburg’s elite Fire and Rescue Unit arrived at the scene.

“We’ve trained for exactly this type of disaster,” said unit Lt. Martin Mayhew. “Our team sprung into action, set up a block and tackle arraignment through a steel girder in the ceiling then team members literally swooped in from above and plucked the at-risk shoppers off the escalator and deposited them in the men’s section of Macy’s.”

Four of the shoppers were slightly injured in the rescue. They were transported to Bayfront Medical Center, treated and released.

"Any time there is a tricky rescue, there's a chance of injury," said Mayhew.

“About five hours into the ordeal my 7-year old Kyle asked me why we couldn’t just walk back down the escalator stairs to the first floor,” said McIntyre. “He’s way too young to understand the dangers involved. It was crazy talk. “

The National Transportation Safety Board rushed a team to the site and is expected to release a report about the catastrophic failure this week.

“We’re just glad everyone is okay,” said Macy’s store manager Margaret Van Houten.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Filmmaker Michael Moore Promotes New Documentary

(photo courtsey of Master Photographer Danny K)

LAS VEGAS (AIP) – Documentary film maker Michael Moore, whose insightfulness, slick editing and cunning manipulation of the facts has made him a darling of Hollywood intelligentsia decided to take a quick nap while speaking to reporters on his way home from picking up a bag of burgers at the White Castle after attending a session of the National Association of Broadcasters convention in Las Vegas on Tuesday.

“Time for Mr. Michael to catch some Z’s,” said Moore, who made himself comfortable propped up against a wall. “Genius occasionally has to saw some logs. Hell, it’s been a tough day.”

Moore is promoting his new film Hate Speech In America, which utilizes the aggressive interviewing of unsuspecting and unprepared non-spokespeople to zero in on the increasing number of individuals who are condemning radical Islamic fundamentalism in the United States.

“We’re pretty much begging these peaceful and deeply religious folks to cut off our heads in righteous indignation,” Moore said earlier. “I’m going to kick the shit out of the hate speech folks, just like I nailed Kmart in the Colombine thing,”

As Moore fell into a deep sleep he became unresponsive to reporters, who were forced to slap him into a semi-comatose state to complete the interview.

“It ain’t easy boys,” said Moore. “Manipulating the facts down to the point where they back my social position is like trying to put a six foot corpse into a two foot square Samsonite suitcase. It can be done, but you gotta cut some parts off.

“It sure isn’t easy to be the Leni Riefenstahl for the Left,” said Moore, falling back into what reporters agreed appeared a very self satisfied sleep.

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Friday, April 10, 2015

BMW Offers Breakthrough Safety Feature

CHICAGO (AIP) – Premier car manufacturer BMW has announced the latest breakthrough safety feature in the company’s continuing quest to build a safer car. Beginning with this year’s models, the BMW will no longer allow its owners to drive anywhere they are inappropriately dressed to go.

“It’s amazing,” said BMW 328S owner Marty Spankman. “Last week I came out of the house to go to the office and had inadvertently grabbed a green tie to go with my blue suit. The car stubbornly refused to start until I went back inside and got a red tie. The car probably saved my life.”

“Our new safety breakthrough will certainly avert many tragic events for our owners,” said BMW spokesman Klaus Goering.

Mary Suffield of Columbia, S.C. agreed.

“I had this suit on and my Bimmer told me that the pants made my ass look big,” said Suffield. “I switched to a dress and was the life of the party at the office Christmas luncheon.”

The new feature takes some getting used to, according to Michael Paine, of Gary, I.N.

“I spent about an hour trying to explain to the damn car that it was Casual Friday at the office but it still wouldn’t budge,” said Paine. “I finally phoned the dealer who told me that I had failed to purchase the Casual Friday upgrade when I bought the car. He was able to download it to the car and I was finally on my way to work.”

Goering was quick to dispel the notion that the safety feature may BMW models occasionally recalcitrant to take the owners where they need to go.

“The executive package software will take our owners wherever they want,” said Goering. “Along with the Casual Friday upgrade we also offer a Wal-Mart option that will allow the owner to drive to that location in his or her pajamas”.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Mexican Man Makes Scientific Breakthrough

MEXICO CITY (AIP) Local printer Emilio Escobar has stumbled unwittingly onto a revolutionary development in his field that he is sure will revolutionize the entire structure of his nation and perhaps the entire world.

“It’s called ‘moveable type’”, said Escobar. “This development will change everything.”

Moveable type, according to Escobar, is a system of printing that utilizes individual letters, numbers and punctuation on small lead blocks, allowing printers to reproduce a document an unlimited number of times quickly and easily.

“This will put an end to the old system of hand copying manuscripts,” said Escobar. “We will be able to mass produce copies of books, novels, plays. Everything.

“The people will be able to disseminate ideas, philosophies, scientific knowledge, poems and songs. This development will spread knowledge across out entire society; foster the exchange of ideas and technical breakthroughs. It’s revolutionary.”

Experts expect a renaissance in the culture of Mexico, similar to the one that revolutionized Europe in the in the middle of the 15th century when Johannes Gutenberg made exactly the same technological leap.

“There has been a dearth of world class Mexican writers, composers, poets and painters,” said Rubin Thomas, who studies social trends for Forbes Magazine. “Perhaps, with the advent of moveable type, we might expect to see some develop.”

And while moveable type is sure to move Mexico into at least the 18th century, Thomas noted that the nation still has a ways to go.

“Those people are at least three generations away from the development of incandescent lighting,” he said. “And it’s doubtful they will develop flush toilets any time soon.”

Monday, April 6, 2015

Baseball's Hamilton Admits Mistakes

LOS ANGELES (AIP) – Angels outfielder Josh Hamilton stunned the major league baseball world Sunday when he announced that he has come to understand that he is ‘only human’, the first time a major league baseball player has admitted to both humanity, with all its foibles, and mortality.

“I’m just a guy,” said Hamilton. “I face the same demons and struggles that other men face in life. I guess, like other folks, I am prone to mistakes and errors of judgment.”

Veteran baseball sports writer Hume McCracken was stunned by the announcement.

“I find it very hard to believe that a player of Hamilton’s ability and experience is actually human,” said McCracken, speaking to reporters Sunday evening. “This guy has had some shining moments and some real lows, but for him to think he’s only human is stunning. I’m speechless.”

Hamilton confessed to 60 Minutes host Scott Pelley that life ‘is sometimes hard’.

“I screw up occasionally Scott,” said Hamilton. “Some mornings I wonder what it’s all about and some nights, in an effort to ease the pain I have a couple beers. I know I’ve done wrong. I’m just a man.”

Major League Baseball spokesman Michael Johnson was outraged.

“Okay, so Hamilton is merely mortal? He’s looking at least a minimum 60 game suspension,” said Johnson. “Fallible? Well, he’s going to have to pay for that.”

Friday, April 3, 2015

Metcalfe Speaks With Reporters

GREEN RIVER, CO (AIP) – Meeting with reporters for the first time since the event, Karl Metcalfe was blunt.

“Fuck you”, said Metcalfe, clearly emotionally shaken and visibly upset. “I mean it. Just finally fuck you.”

Reporters questioned Metcalfe, who seemed unresponsive.

“I said fuck you and I mean it”, Metcalfe finally repeated. “How many ways can I say fuck you? I’m fresh out of any other more expressive ways to state my foundational feeling, which leaves you and me with fuck you.”

Metcalfe then began to sob silently. When reporters held him gently he deeply inhaled and then turned away.

“FUCK YOU,” he screamed, getting into his ’79 Trans Am and leaving the press conference.
Reporters doubted they would ever see him again so they turned on an Air Supply CD and wept bitterly.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Kerry Announces Iranian Deal

WASHINGTON (AIP) – Secretary of State John Kerry, speaking to a crowd assembled at Dulles International Airport upon his return from negotiations with Iranian officials in Lausanne, Switzerland, waived a signed agreement over his head and announced that he had reached a deal with ‘guarantees peace in our time’.

“We did it folks,” said a jubilant Kerry.

According to State Department officials, the deal requires the Iranians to ‘like’ the United States and not to be mean to us. In return, the American officials agreed to immediately remove economic sanctions against Iran that were first put into effect in an effort to stop Iran from enriching uranium in order to build a nuclear weapon.

“They like us, they really like us,” said Kerry to a cheering crowd.

Republicans were quick to point out that the agreement doesn’t actually require Iran to ‘like’ us, but only not to ‘hate us so much and quit calling us Satan’.

“The Secretary’s characterization of the plain language of the agreement is not accurate,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.

Analysts pointed out that no where does the agreement mention nuclear weapons or the enrichment of uranium.

“We found that the whole bomb thing was a real sticking point in negotiations so we dumped that demand,” Kerry told reporters. “Once we removed that sticking point the agreement pretty much worked itself out.”

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Burns Releases New Documentary

COLUMBUS , OH (AIP) – Famed documentary director Ken Burns, whose previously popular series include films about the Civil War and the jazz age, has turned his attention to Youth League baseball in his newest film It's A Game Of Sex.

“It was pretty appalling,” said Burns, speaking to reporters by phone. “The game has a dark underbelly.”

The highlight of the film is an interview with famed youth league coach Barton McQuire, six times manager of national championship teams.

“Basically we started the youth league here in Columbus so men my age could have unlimited and unsupervised access to large numbers of young boys,” said McQuire. “The situation comes with a built in trust relationship that can easily be manipulated. I’m the coach, do what I say. Suck my cock. It’s surprisingly easy.”

Fellow coach Marty Johnson agreed.

“The parents would literally leave their boys in my possession,” said Johnson. “Those weekend road games were something out of Arabian Nights. Oh, we played baseball, but at night we just played.”

Burns said filming the movie was a real eye opener.

“I asked a number of parents about this and they all said the same thing,” said Burns. “They all told me that ‘it’s just part of the game’.”

“After 25 years of coaching all I can tell you is there are a large number of young men in the greater Columbus area that will never walk straight,” said McQuire.

Monday, March 30, 2015

President Signs Executive Global Warming Order

WASHINGTON (AIP) – President Barack Obama, citing new scientific findings on manmade global warming, today signed an executive order that greatly curtails the wearing of high heels by women in the United States and its territories.

“Women in heels are very hot,” said Obama at a press conference in the Oval Office. “The number of women who are really hot in heels are greatly increased in the last 30 years, driving the overall global temperature up dramatically. I have taken executive actions to push back against this threat to our planet. Simply put, no more Prada.”

Industry leaders Prada, Karo’s, Coach and Pleasers are taking a firm stand.

“The President’s unilateral action without a vote by congress is appalling,” said industry spokesman Martin Van Kyle. “Of course women look hot in high heels, but that doesn’t mean they’re destroying the atmosphere. Good lord, they’re just shoes.”

Members of the adult pornography industry were equally outraged.

“What am I supposed to have my actresses wear? Sketchers?”, said adult film director Morey Blankenship. “This move will destroy our art.”

The new executive action also severely limits the use of cleavage and pear-shaped asses.

“These things are destroying our world, melting the arctic ice and causing the oceans to rise worldwide,” said Obama. “Our society has far too many hot breasts and asses.”

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Friday, March 27, 2015

Accused Killers Set Free

KEY WEST, FL (AIP) – Defense attorneys Ryan Mingor and Mason Wayne, representing co-defendants Deontae Morris and Jovantae Norris in the murder of homeless man Grady Michaels, won a key legal battle Thursday when Circuit Judge Kyle Richards-Epstein granted their motion to dismiss after hearing argument that the victim was a ‘nobody’.

“The victim in this case was a fucking drunk, homeless loser,” Mingor told reporters as he escorted his client Deontae Morris from the Monroe County Jail. “You can’t, by definition, kill a nobody. Deontae deserves his freedom.”

Judge Richards-Epstein was impressed by the defense theory of the case.

“Mingor and Wayne had no case law on point,” said Richards-Epstein. “Their argument was illogical and I believe they misrepresented the facts on a number of points, but it all boils down to the reality that the victim in this case was a homeless nobody. If you kill nobody, then nobody’s been killed.”

Assistant State Attorney Clyde Barrow took the loss in good humor.

“Shit, Mingor and Wayne played me like the Globetrotters play the Washington Senators,” said Barrow.

“We caught Barrow flat-footed from the get go,” said Wayne. “He’s pretty clueless and I distracted him with some candy. He loves jelly beans.”

Barrow said that he doesn’t plan to appeal the judge’s ruling.

“I’m leaving the office in two weeks to go into private practice,” said Barrow. “And when you get right down to it, the victim was a nobody.”

In answer to critics who said that Mingor and Wayne’s characterization of the victim as a ‘nobody’ was heartless, Mingor was unrepentant.

“You want hearts? Buy a fucking deck of cards,” said Mingor.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

New Internet Rules Announced

WASHINGTON (AIP) – New United States Federal Internet Czar Johnston Franklin, in his first act as chief executive of the nation’s internet protocol, has decreed that going forward his office will install a filter that will disallow the online uploading and posting of cute videos or photos of children or animals.

“Frankly I’m tired of opening my email to find links to puppies doing cute shit or kids doing funny things,” said Franklin. “Yes, okay, it’s a kitten thinking that your shoelace is a menace and rolling over playing with it. Aren’t well all adults here? Shouldn’t our time be spent more wisely
“Well we are, and I’m going to see that we do.”

A national PEW pool found that most Americans are ambivalent about the new controls.

The poll showed that a stunning 68 percent of Americans ‘really don’t give a fuck’ if they ever see a warm and fuzzy two minute clip of a grown dog muzzling a small kitten. Twenty two percent of respondents are ‘goddamn tired of that shit wasting their time’ and 9 percent don’t actually understand the question.

Only one percent of American’s aren’t happy with the new filter.

“But it’s so precious,” said Katharine Millhouse. “I could spend hours watching cute toddlers falling face first into pie.”

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

New EPA Regulations Anger Activitists

WASHINGTON (AIP) – Beginning July 1, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has decreed that any psychopath, serial killer, bath salts addict or edgy drifter who murders a prostitute must dispose of the corpse in an EPA approved, environmentally friendly garbage bag and dumped only in EPA approved trash dumpsters.

“According to new scientific data the random disposal of murdered prostitutes in fields, alleys, gullies, unapproved dumpsters, drug houses and sewers is a major contributor to the increase in man-made climate change,” said EPA spokesman Clemet Morrison. “These new dumping regulations should go a long way toward ameliorating that problem.”

Climate change deniers and civil liberties activists are up in arms about the new regulations.

“It is bullshit to think that the dead prostitutes I’ve dumped in the desert have changed the earth’s climate one iota,” said Las Vegas area serial killer Martin Clayton Thomas, who has specialized in the murder and dumping of prostitutes since the early 90’s. “Just one more example of the nanny state trying to run my life.”

Activists vow a court battle over the new regulations.

“This government intrusion into what has previously been a self-regulating industry is going to have a chilling effect on the production of prostitute corpses,” said civil liberties attorney Luke Coverdale. “These new, extremely expensive costs of corpse disposal are going to make body dumping financially prohibitive for the local producer.”

Former Vice President Al Gore said that he's tired of climate change deniers.

“Anyone who denies that random dumping of prostitute corpses does not directly add to man-made climate change is ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence and should be severely punished,” said Gore. “This is the earth we’re talking about. Producers should be compelled to properly dispose of prostitute corpses in an eco-friendly fashion.”

Monday, March 23, 2015

Local Man Granted Reprieve

AIKEN, SC (AIP) Local resident Carl Sneadaker, married to wife Mille for 37 years, was moments away from death due to CardioPulmonary Disease when he was granted another 12.75 years of life by the Mighty God, Lord of the Universe, Friday to make up for time he has previously lost waiting for Millie to ‘touch up’ her makeup, ‘freshen up a bit’ and ‘put on a new outfit’ over the course of their marriage.

“Management thought that the poor bastard deserved to recoup all that time he has previously pissed away, through no fault of his own, waiting for Millie to get ready to do something,” said God’s spokesman Melvin Gist. “The guy has the patience of a saint.”

Accountants in the Heavenly Father’s Bureau of Time Measurement had previously kept a running tally of time Sneadaker had cooled his heels while waiting for his lovely wife to ‘put on her face’ or decided what outfit to wear to the Golden Corral for the dinner buffet or over to the Maxwell’s for a night of canasta.

“I won’t lie, it’s been a struggle,” said Sneadaker. “But with this extra time I’m really feeling great. First thing tomorrow I’m divorcing the bitch. It’s a whole new world for me.”

Millie was unable to respond to reporters because she was in the powder room.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Blogger Avoids Commitment

LARGO, FL (AIP)- Andy Rawl, senior editor and chief writer of this blog, is taking a week off after a local judge gave him the option of 'backing away' from the keyboard or going to jail 'till you learn to enjoy sodomy'.

"I'll take option one," said Rawl, sweating like a marathoner at the podium. "I guess I need some time off."

The judge then asked Rawl if he understood her order was 'for his own good'.

Rawl, clearly visible to this reporter, choked back his first response and finally answered.

"Yes Judge".

Rawl's supervisor,  Wendy Oughtman, was disappointed in Rawl's standing at the hearing.

"At least he could have tightened his tie and stood upright like a the homo sapien during his sentencing" said Oughtman. "His tie isn't knotted and he's fucking burping repeatedly."

Rawl spoke with reporters after leaving court.

"Fuck me, anybody got a beer?", asked Rawl, who kindly accepted a coldie from this correspondent.  "Nobody's gonna hear dick from me for a week."

Rawl sped off with a short-haired blonde in 8 inch heels moments later, flipping off reporters and bystanders off while Def Leopard's Pour Some Sugar On Me  played out of the car's open windows.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Clinton Struck Dead

UNITED NATIONS (AIP) – Former First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was struck dead by a lightning bolt out of the clear blue sky on Tuesday as she walked down the steps from the United Nations Building moments after giving a press conference about use of personal email for government business.

“She danced like a poorly handled marionette for about 15 seconds and then crumpled in a heap near the sewer grate,” said bystander Melvin Marquette. “The lightning struck the top of her head and she screamed once, did that awful dance and was down.”

Calls to the Office of God Almighty were not returned but a highly ranking anonymous officer in the Department of the Celestial spoke to reporters on the condition he not be identified and filled in some of the blanks.

“Upper management had pretty much had it with her, and upper management is very patient,” said the officer. “Her hubris filled, continual disassembling of reality coupled with her seemingly genetic inability to just tell the truth was too much; ergo dead, lying bitch.

“Frankly, my office hasn’t seen The Big Lie used so often and with such arrogant ease since Joe Goebbels was writing op-ed pieces for the Berlin newspaper Der Angriff.”

The official said that similar future actions might be in the offing.

“Guys like MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, Eric Holder and Brian Williams might do well to pay very close attention to this incident,” he said.

Clinton's final book, a history of her public service entitled There Isn't A Specific Statute goes on sale Friday.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

NOW Announces Boycott Of Blog

WASHINGTON (AIP) – The National Organization of Women (NOW) has announced that they are leading a boycott against the Randy Hall Rants blog because of it sees as a denigrating posting on March 9 which made it appear as though female victims of domestic violence somehow deserve that abuse.

“We were all appalled by the blatant misogyny in reporter Andy Rawl’s posting,” said NOW spokeswomen Helen Short. “The disgusting display of objectification, discrimination and elitist male rhetoric was just another example of male disambiguation that women have too long suffered.”

Rawl, contacted at the OZ Gentlemen’s club where he was sipping a beer, seemed taken aback when ask for his comments about the boycott.

“First of all, I don’t really know what most of her words mean,” said Rawl. “The blog only has three readers and to my knowledge, none of them belong to NOW. I stand by the story. The facts are more or less accurate.

“You know, people need to stop taking themselves so seriously. It’s a shame that a folks self image is so fragile that a little humor undoes them so completely. I mean, it’s not like I poked fun at Mohammed or anything, and I believe I only used the quote ‘cunt’ one time in the whole fucking story.”

Short is calling for the Randy Hall blog to fire Rawl.

“The guy is vulgar and mean-spirited,” said Short. “He shouldn’t be writing for that blog. He should be writing anywhere. Hell, he should even be writing checks as far as we’re concerned.”

Monday, March 9, 2015

Local Woman Victimized Again

JOHNSON CITY, TN (AIP) – Local woman Joanne Rideout once again became the victim of domestic violence at the at the hands of her husband Vic Friday evening when he was forced yet again to teach her a lesson in respect by slapping her twice in the yard in front of the neighbors.

“It was an unfortunate incident,” said Washington County Sheriff’s Deputy Normal Bloom. “It could have been avoided if the stupid bitch had just prepared dinner and had it on the table like she’s been told to do.”

According to witnesses, it was another Friday evening when the lazy cunt spent too much time watching The View and failed to put the pot roast in the oven in a timely fashion.

“He’s told me and told me,” said Rideout, nursing on beauty of a shiner, like she has so many times before. “You’d think I’d eventually learn my god damn lesson, but I don’t.”

It’s the seventh time this year that police have been called to the Rideout residence to mediate a domestic dispute.

“We’re getting a little tired coming out here because Joanne can’t follow simple directions,” said Deputy Bloom. “From now on we’re going to have central dispatch call the idiot on Fridays at 3:00 p.m. to remind her to get off her ass and start cooking because she doesn’t seem to remember what will happen to her is she doesn’t.”

"It gets old, kicking the shit out of her but it has to be done," said Vic, who was comforted by neighbors after the incident and transported to the hospital to make sure the slight bruises on the palms of his hands didn't require medical attention. "At least she was bright enough to make sure there was beer in the fridge."

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Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Bolden Optimistic Despite Evidence

BOSIE, IH (AIP) – Kyle Bolden shocked a normally jaded group of reporters Thursday, declaring that he had a feeling the something good was about to happen to him.

“I can’t explain it,” said Bolden with a rare smile. “I just feel like something good is going to happen today and it’s going to involve me.”

Bolden, whose life experience has been a cycle of sadness, frustration, disappointment and misfortune, seems to have learned nothing from his vast and painful personal diappointments which are breathtaking in their breadth and scope.

“All that is true, and I don’t know what to tell you,” said Bolden. “I just have this feeling that I can’t explain.”

When reporters pointed out that from a historical perspective Bolden’s optimism has no basis in fact, he merely shrugged.

Reporters gleefully reminded Bolden that he never once made a sports team at any school he ever attended despite repeated attempts. He never had a girlfriend who hadn’t cheated on him. He had the same car stolen three times in one week and then there was that period of his life when he was mistakenly accused of murder and held in custody without bond for two years until the real killer confessed. He was repeatedly anally raped by fellow inmates during that time.

Bolden remained unruffled, even buoyant.

“It’s kind of sucked,” said Bolden. “But I just feel like the sucking stops today. I just know something good is going to happen to me.”

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Dew Report Sheds Light On Relationships

PITTSBURGH (AIP) – Researchers at the Dew Institute of Social Thought have bad news for many American males: if your girlfriend or wife’s name is Mary, Patricia, Linda or Barbara there’s an 83 percent chance that she’s fucking around on you.

“The numbers are stunning,” said Dew researcher Clive Banister. “It turns out that women with those four names are pretty much unfaithful tramps who are banging someone else behind your back. Sixty nine percent of the time that is going to be a buddy you golf, bowl or play poker with.”

Banister said that the numbers can’t be argued with.

It's science," said Banister. "And unlike your old lady, the numbers don't lie."

“It’s a sure thing that Mary, Patricia – and that includes ‘Pat’- Linda and Barbara are in bed with a close friend of yours while you read this article,” continued Banister. “And she's probably wearing heels and that thing you purchased for her at Victoria’s Secret that she vowed she would never wear because it made her feel slutty.

“We’re not sure if the name causes the skank-like behavior, or the women just happened to have been suitably named at birth. Frankly we don’t know if the dog is wagging the tail or the tail is wagging the dog but either way Mary or Patricia or Barbara or Linda is getting wagged behind your back.”

More disturbingly, there’s a 96 percent chance that girlfriends or wives named McKenzie are having intercourse with that homeless guy who drinks in the park and hits you up for ‘an extra cigarette’ when you walk the dog.

“That explains the empty malt liquor cans, twigs and leaves in the sheets and the big green dumpster smell that greets me when I enter the bedroom after I come home from work” said Calvin McIntyre, a high school science teacher. “I thought I was just jumping to conclusions about McKenzie.”

Friday, February 27, 2015

Burlington Makes Fatal Error

DAVIE, FL (AIP) - Chad Burlington, displaying a youthful mistake attributable to his limited experience with women, exposed a major flaw in his strategic 'get laid' game plan Friday evening when he committed the fatal error of putting fresh towels in the bathroom before his girlfriend Molly Richards arrived early in the evening.

"She had been working all day at the Hallmark store and told me she always feels dirty when she leaves work and might want a shower before we go out for the evening," said Burlington. "So I put fresh towels in the bathroom. She arrived at 6, had a glass of wine and went to get a shower. That's when all hell broke lose."

Molly takes the story from there.

"I was in the bathroom. I had taken my clothes off and started the water in the shower, waiting for it to heat up," said Molly, visibly shaken from her ordeal. "Then the bath towel told me I 'had a great ass' and the wash clothes said I was a 'pretty young thing', had a 'bitchin bod" and wanted my phone number.

"The linens were pretty fresh. They brushed my shoulder. I felt objectified, humiliated and a little threatened."

The Hand Towel, unaccused in the incident, spoke to reporters in an attempt to minimize his friends indiscretions.

"They were fresh, admittedly, " said the Towel. "They had a few in them. They were just being playful."

"I apologized repeatedly about having the fresh towels out, " said Burlington. "I even spoke to the kitchen sponge and bar wipe about their behavior to make sure they didn't get out of line. Molly was inconsolable. I feel horrible."

Molly is weighing her options.

"Chad is really cute, but the linens he hangs out with are rude, sexist jerks," she said. "I'm not sure what I plan to do."