Friday, October 31, 2014

Ecumenical Talks Between East And West End In Impasse

BERN, SWITZERLAND (AIP) – A conference between a legation from the Vatican and a Synod representing the Greek Orthodox Church, meeting here in preliminary talks to reunify the Eastern and Western branches of Christianity, broke down into name calling and chest bumping Friday, with spokesmen from both sides saying that there will be no future talks.

“The Orthodox church teaches heresy,” said Cardinal Vincente DeMazio, spokesman for the Catholic legation. “Their doctrine is straight from the pits of hell.”

The crux of what is at issue, which is precisely the same fight over church doctrine that drove Pope Innocent III to excommunicate the Eastern branch of the church in 1205 A.D. in what is known as the Great Schism, remains the same.

“In 1203 Pope Innocent III decreed that it is the will of our Lord that toilet paper shall feed over the top of the roll, in the same way that we are to overcome our sins,” said DeMazio. “To believe otherwise is fundamental error and a mortal sin.”

“Blasphemy, pure blasphemy,” countered Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople Bartholomew. “Even as forgiveness flows from above to below, so should the toilet paper flow from the bottom of the roll. This is a core belief of our church and a vital element of salvation.”

James McPhee, Professor of Religious Studies at St Anne’s College, Oxford, said that this single issue has divided the largest two Christian religions for nearly a thousand years.

“Wars have been fought over the Toilet Paper Flow doctrine,” said McPhee. “Each side feels that the flow of the paper is divinely inspired by God and is therefore fundamental to salvation.

“There have been moves to reconcile the Churches in the past, most notably in the late 1700’s when Frenchmen Marc Andre Jacoud invented the bidet in an attempt to offer a middle of the road solution that took toilet paper out of the equation. Both Churches condemned the bidet as the work of Satan.”

“The Holy Roman Church may find its way to accept Gays and Lesbians and same sex marriage, but we will never accept the under flow,” said DeMazio.

McPhee points out that the Toilet Paper Flow question was one of the leading causes of the Protestant Reformation.

“Martin Luther wrote of it in his famous 95 Theses of 1517,” said McPhee. “He asked ‘what the direction of flow mattered as long as the ass got cleaned?’”


Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Plaintiff's Call Court's Ruling A Victory For Workers

WASHINGTON (AIP) – In a stunning reversal of the lower court and just in time for Halloween, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that evil minions are covered by the same federal wage, hour and benefits regulations as all other classes of labors.

“My client is thrilled,” said Yousef Bernard, attorney for the plaintiff in the Igor v. Victor Frankenstein class action suit. “If my client’s employer had provided him with the customary and usual health benefits and afforded him FEMLA leave, his hunchback might have received the proper treatment and not metastasized.”

“I was on call 24/7,” said Igor, speaking from the Supreme Court steps. “Night after night it was 3 a.m. and the Doctor would yell ‘Igor, go get me another body to reanimate’. No paid vacation, no lunch break. I deserve just compensation.”

Fellow evil minion Nikko, King of the Winged Monkeys, released a statement expressing his happiness over the ruling.

“I did the Wicked Witch of the East’s bidding for a number of years with absolutely no pay,” said Nikko. “Once the rest of the squadron and I were in the ready room for weeks on end, 24 hours a day until radar finally located Dorothy and her companions. We sortied out and picked them up. It was precision work.

“When we got back I went to the Witch and said ‘hey Witch, how about a little something for the boys?’. She just looked at me and gave me that wicked laugh. It was very de-flying monkey-zing.”

The Court’s ruling deals narrowly with the status of evil minions and doesn’t affect non-evil minions, sometimes known as sidekicks.

“I’m deeply disappointed,” said Tonto, contacted by phone. “I slaved for the Lone Ranger for a dozen years and my only compensation was firewater and beef jerky. I guess if I had been evil I might have finally gotten something. My fight for equality will continue.”


Monday, October 27, 2014

Supreme Court Takes Scott Off The Ballot

TALLAHASEE, FL (AIP) – The Florida Supreme Court, ruling in response to a suit brought by a group of influential Florida Democrats, has found that Florida Governor Rick Scott is ineligible to run for a second term as governor because he has not been a resident of Florida for the last seven years, as is required by state law.
In their published ruling the Justices say, in part, that ‘we therefore find that Rick Scott is, in fact, an alien’ and therefore not eligible for election.
“I knew it,” said Democratic politico Martin Van Hoose, who filed the original suit.  “One look at that son of a bitch’s eyes and I knew he was a damn alien. The Supreme Court made the finding that his legal residence is in the Pleiades star system, nowhere near the State of Florida.”
Official records from the planet Mongo, in the Pleiades system, indicate that Scott attended Mongo High School and worked for a time as an intern in the office of Ming the Merciless, who later whet on to rule the entire Pleiades system until being destroyed by earthling Flash Gordon.
“The fucking eyes should have tipped us all off,” said Representative Michael Frescha (R-Pinellas).  “I thought he was wooden and heartless, but in a human sense.  I had no idea that he is actually wooden and heartless.”
Official records further indicate that Scott is presently married to Ming’s daughter, Princess Aura, and they have a home on Mongo where Scott resided until 2011 before hopping a rocket ship flight to Earth.
“This is a blow for the Republican Party and just shows how elitist the entire system is,” said Republican Party Chairman James Stott.  “The fact that the Supreme Court can keep a Pleiadien off the ballot is heavy handed indeed.”
Spokesmen Charles Caffee said that the Governor plans to call in rocket ships from Mongo to enforce his right to rule.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

West Yorkshire Police Solve Murder

YORKSHIRE, ENGLAND (AIP) – Authorities with the West Yorkshire police on Thursday arrested Jill in connection with the brutal murder of Jack, whose killing near Leeds has baffled investigators for over a decade.

“We have, in fact, arrested Jill for the slaying of Jack, whose body was found at the bottom of a hill near Leeds in 1997,” said Dee Collins, Temporary Chief Constable of the West Yorkshire Police Department. “We believe we have solved the murder and hopefully provided some closure to Jack’s family and friends.”

“I’m stunned,” said Gretel, a long time friend of Jill. “I can’t believe she had anything to do with Jack’s murder. Of course, I always knew that she was something of a crazy bitch.”

According to the detailed indictment, Jill had become enraged at Jack’s attentions toward their mutual friend Cinderella, a Leeds house keeper. In what policy claim was a long planned plot, after a night of drinking Jill lured Jack up the hill to fetch some water for tea. While at the well, Jill struck Jack with a two-foot section of steel rebar fracturing his skull, then pushed his body down the hill where it landed in some overgrown brush.

Jack’s corpse was later found by tourists on holiday from America.

“Our first break in the investigation came when we found that Jill had taken a rather healthy life insurance policy out on Jack,” said Collins. “We were later able to retrieve cell phone texts between Jill and a man named Pinocchio, apparently an Italian national, on the morning of the murder that contained thinly veiled references to the killing such as ‘he squealed like a pig when I hit him with the rebar’ and ‘I’m glad he’s fucking dead’.”

Jill maintained her innocence during a phone interview with reporters from jail.

“I had nothing to do with Jack’s death,” said Jill. “This is all a frame up. The next thing you know they’ll be trying to finger me for Dumpty’s murder, and I was nowhere near the wall that night.”

The Humpty Dumpty murder remains unsolved, however police have commented publically that Jill was the sole beneficary in a large life insurance policy on Mr. Dumpty.


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Vatican Panel Announces Florida Findings

VATICAN CITY (AIP) - A team of catholic prelates, led by Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone announced that his blue ribbon commission has traveled to Florida where they interviewed both incumbent Governor Rick Scott former Governor Charlie Crist, rivals in Florida’s gubernatorial election this November and found that neither man has a soul.

“We weren’t surprised in the lack of a soul in either one of these two beings,” said Bertone. “While the incidence of soulless beings in the general population is almost zero, among the political class beings without a soul are pretty much the rule and not the exception.”

According to Catholic doctrine, a soul is defined as the ‘ultimate internal principle by which we think, feel and will, and by which our bodies are animated’.

“Yeah, neither one of them have that,” said Bertone. “Not a scintilla of it.”

Bertone said that he and members of his commission spent hours interviewing both men.

"At first Governor Scott invoked his 5th amendment right not to answer our questions," said Bertone. "After he understood that we weren't investigating the legality of his former dealings he warmed up to us. We found, however, that inside he was as black as night."

Former Governor Crist gave the team a much warmer reception.

"He was a very nice man," said Bertone. "Unfortunately, we could find no core values in the creature."

The Vatican has been interviewing politicians for decades trying to locate one that might have a soul but without success.

"From Nixon right on down to Nancy Pelosi we've come up snake eyes," said Bertone. "Some guy named Cruz in Texas is a possible, but we aren't crossing our fingers."

Monday, October 20, 2014

Sex Crime Set For Trial Tuesday

KEY WEST, FL (AIP) – Senior Court Clerk Andy Rawl, in a desperate attempt to stop the inevitable Lewd and Lascivious trial set to begin in his division on Tuesday at the Monroe County court house, has contacted private attorney Ryan Mingor and asked him to schedule a jail visit with Dieter Monroe, the defendant in the case.

“If anyone can stop this trial, it’s Mingor,” said Rawl, a 19-year veteran in the Monroe County Clerk of the Court's office. “I’ve seen him do it before. He’s my only hope.

"He's not involved in the case, but I asked him to visit the defendant as a friend of the clerk."

Mingor has something of a reputation in Florida’s 16th judicial circuit. In his 20-year career as a criminal defense attorney, Mingor has successfully talked 14 of his clients into committing suicide before trial, thereby saving the justice system untold hundreds of thousands of dollars.

“I guess it’s a gift,” said Mingor. “I have an honest talk with my clients and tell them what is likely to occur if a jury finds them guilty. The result is often pretty grim and occasionally some of them do the right thing. Not many of my clients end up going to prison.”

“I have been pretty much without hope since I found out that the trial is going,” said Rawl, who hates trials with a passion that few outsiders can understand. “Then I asked Ryan if he would visit the defendant in an unofficial capacity and just have a talk with him.”

Legal experts agree that a defendant electing suicide is often the easiest way to resolve an especially complex legal case short of trial.

“My clients are not an especially bright lot of people,” said Mingor. “But they do have an almost animal-like aversion to pain, particularly violent anal rape and 10 or 12 years of that isn’t going to be appealing to anyone."

"It pisses me off," said Assistant State Attorney Todd Prestimous. "I spend an entire weekend in trial prep. Mingor goes to visit his client at the jail on Friday and then trial day on Tuesday they find the guy hanging from his shoelaces in his cell."


Bidetgate Nearly Stops Debate

DAVIE, FL (AIP) – The Florida gubernatorial debate between incumbent Republician Governor Rick Scott and challenger and former Governor Charlie Crist almost didn’t occur Thursday night when Scott learned that Crist had a bidet installed behind the lectern on stage at the campus of Broward College.

“Clearly a bidet is a violation of the previously agreed to rules that we had in place,” said Scott spokesman Manuel Fuente. “It certainly gave Crist an unfair advantage and allowed him to be cleaner and fresher than Governor Scott.”

Crist, the Democratic, Republican, Bull Moose, Copperhead, Libertarian, Independent candidate for governor was quick to disagree.

“Each side was allowed a toilet behind their respective lecterns,” said Crist in a telephone interview. “Where I come from a toilet and bidet are natural companions and I think that most Floridians would agree with me. Tidy sanitation is an important issue for the people of Florida. I guess that’s just one more thing that Governor Scott doesn’t understand about Floridians.”

The debate itself, while being completely without substance and nearly worthless as a gage of either candidate’s true political leanings, was delayed six minutes while Scott kicked a dog he and wife Ann Scott had adopted as a political ploy during the last election.

“Both candidates are completely full of shit, and thus the need for toilets behind both lecterns,” said political analyst Susan Mantooth, a political science professor at the University of Florida. “Toilets behind the lecterns allow the debate to flow naturally and without interruption. A bidet is perhaps stretching things a bit, but Governor Scott really should have just gone on stage and debated without making such a big deal of things.”

The final debate, to be held at the University of Miami, will have toilets, bidets and showers behind each lectern for both candidates.


Sunday, October 19, 2014

Local Man Becomes Best Selling Author

KNOXVILLE, TN (AIP) – Recently retired Knox County Deputy Clerk of the Court Wayne DeSouza ‘s new book I Ate Their Lunch has flown to the top of the New York Times best seller how to category after only two weeks on the market.

“I can’t tell you how please I am,” said first time author DeSouza, a 24-year veteran of the Knox County Clerk’s office, who spent much of his time filing paper into court files. “It just goes to show you that if you are good at something and can put your thought on paper you can make a buck.”

In his book DeSouza claims to have never once purchased or brought a lunch from home. He lived for 24 years stealing co-workers lunches out of the communal break room refrigerators of the North Knox County court house on Maynardville Pike.

“I ate pretty damn good for 24 years and I can help others do the same,” said the 5-8, 260 pound DeSouza patting his stomach. “I worked with some pretty good cooks.”

Among other tips that DeSouza writes about he says that timing is everything.

“If most of the staff in the office goes to lunch at 11:30 or noon, the lunch bandit has to strike at 11:00 or 11:15,” he writes in his book. “The best method is to remove the meal from the container – the box or bag – and return the container to its original position. That way you not only enjoy a great and free lunch, but the owner has one of those ‘fuck me’ moments when they open the container and find it empty.

“They always seemed to enjoy that moment and so did I.”

It’s easy to eat well at no cost according to the book.

“You’ve got to watch what the fat people bring their lunch in,” said the author. “They eat well and they eat a lot. Avoid taking the lunches of skinny or health conscious folks. It will either be very scanty or taste like crap.”

Friday, October 17, 2014

Rawl Is Done

PINELLAS PARK, FL (AIP) - Local resident Andy Rawl, dazed and confused by the mixed signals his girlfriend Heather Johnson gives him sought soloace at Clearwater's Twisted Soul nightspot Tuesday night, wondering what he could have done differently to salvage his failed relationship.

"She tell me she loves me then she tells me she hates the way I live, the things I do and the future I want," said Rawl, deeply into his cups at the Soul. "Basically it was 'I love you the way you are, now change'".

"I love him, but he needs to be a totally different man than he is now," said Johnson, reached on her cell phone somewhere in Italy. "I love him for being him if he was only different."

Rawl, barely able to raise his head from the bar, found fault with that line of reasoning.

"So at 52 I'm unformed and malleable?", said Rawl, horribly slurring his speech. "I am what I am. You get what you see. You want something else then go and find it.

"We have a basic misunderstanding. She thinks I have to amuse her and I think she needs to accept me or move along."

FBI Cracks Cold Case

BEDFORD, MS (AIP) – The FBI announced Monday that cold case agents have made an arrest in the notorious case of the man who let the dogs out, a crime that both shocked and sickened the nation and was made famous by the 2000 Grammy Award winning song Who Let The Dogs Out by Baha Men.

Bedford resident Calvin Allison, a retired high school civics teacher was arrested Monday in a joint raid by local police and federal agents that swooped in and captured him without incident as he tended to his backyard garden.

“We have been working this case for 14 years and we’ve finally got our man,” said FBI agent Martin Keysman, who spearheaded the 14-year long, $87 million dollar hunt for the perpetrator. “We’ve got pretty air tight evidence that Allison is the guy. We’ve finally caught the bastard. We just wish he would have resisted.

“Now, perhaps, the public can have some closure.”

When questioned, Keysman was unable to name an actual victim of the crime, or even point to a state or federal statute that Allison is accused of violating.

“We just know that he let the dogs out. He’s the cold bastard who let the dogs out,” said Keysman. “The FBI has finally answers that question.”

Allison, speaking by phone from the Bedford jail, seemed unapologetic.

“Of course I let the dogs out, they had to go out,” said Allison, being held at no bond pending a first appearance hearing before a federal judge tomorrow. “What? I’m going to let them shit and piss in the house? This is all ridiculous.”

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Seahawks Offer Domestic Violence Workshop

SEATTLE (AIP) – The Seattle Seahawks, in cooperation with the NFL’s support for National Domestic Violence month, will hold a workshop featuring several top players and coaches at Centurylink Field this Saturday to make men more aware of the effects of domestic violence at home.

“Domestic violence isn’t about bruises and broken teeth,” said Seahawk All Pro right tackle Guy Bancroft. “It’s about intimidation and control. It’s about showing the bitch who the boss is without getting arrested. NFL player understand this concept.”

Teammate DeAngelo Waller agreed.

“Punch your baby’s momma in the face she might learn a lesson but she’ll also be sporting a black eye or require a dental procedure,” said Waller. “A quick, sharp blow to the back of the head is just as likely to concuss the bitch and will leave no visible bruising because it’s above the hairline. It’s one way to teach her a lesson and not leave photographable evidence.”

The workshop will deal with many challenging questions related to domestic violence, such as the problem of modern video surveillance, what screams really mean and preferable time and place to teach lessons.

“It’s the age old question,” said Bancroft. “Is it better to score a blow during a verbal confrontation or wait till things cool down and then the sucker punch? We’re going to hold a roundtable discussing on that.”

Team spokesman Marc Vanderman said that the team is looking forward to helping men in the community learn to do more than just slap a woman’s face.

“We’ve got a couple guys on the team that have actually pioneered the at home waterboarding of their significant others,” said Vanderman. “It’s surprisingly easy and affordable. All you need is an incline board, a towel and a bucket of water. When it’s over there are no visible marks, but the psychological scars are just as really as a gut punch to a three-month pregnant bitch.”

The workshop begins this Saturday at 11:00 a.m. at Centurylink Field and the public is welcome to attend. Men are encouraged to bring their spouses or girlfriends for some of the interactive classes.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Local Man Angers The NSA

PLANO, TX (AIP) – Local resident Carl Weatherman has angered officials in the federal government with his revolutionary discovery of a way to retain his personal privacy and defeat the National Security Administration’s attempt to capture and data mine his personal information and communications.

“I don’t go on Facebook or Twitter or any of those social media sites,” said Weatherman, an assistant manager at Walmart. “When I want to talk to someone I walk or bike or drive over to where they are and speak privately and quietly with them. Sometimes I send them an actual handwritten letter or card. And I mostly pay cash for the things I buy.”

At first officials at the NSA denied that Weatherman actually existed because of their inability to find any electronic trace of him. After being shown a picture and a copy of his driver’s license those same officials became angry.

“Doesn’t this guy know that he’s endangering national security?”, said NSA spokesman Colin Grew. “We’re going to have to check into this man’s background. How could he defeat us like that?

“We’ve contacted the Department of Juatice and they’re going to go through the Federal Statutes and see if there’s some law he’s breaking. If that isn’t successful then I’m sure Congress will act to require all citizens to use cell phones and the internet. We can’t keep an eye on them for their own good otherwise.”

Monday, October 13, 2014

We Fact-Check Ben Affleck

WASHINGTON (AIP) - As a follow up to Ben Affleck’s daffy and completely inaccurate statement that Islamic State terrorists ‘couldn’t fill up a Double A ball park in West Virginia’, given the fact that most experts put the number of ISIL terrorists at between 25,000 and 35,000, we at Politicheck have decided to fact check some of Affleck’s other statements to vet the veracity of the award winning actor.

“The number of people killed by the Manson Family couldn’t fill up a Double A ball park in West Virgina,” Affleck said to Star Jones on ABC’s The View last week.

We find this to be true. The Manson Family is credited with slaughtering 9 people in the late 1960’s, which would only fill up half a row of stadium seats in a West Virginia Double A ball park.

“The number of people killed by terrorists on 9/11/2001 couldn’t fill up a Double A ballpark in West Virginia,” said Affleck to MSNBC’s Ronan Farrow on April 10, 2014.

We find this to be false. Only 2,752 innocent American’s were killed as a direct result of terrorist’s actions against the United States on September 11, 2001. Hunnicutt Field in Princeton, West Virginia, seats only 1,700 fans.

“The total number of people killed in World War Two couldn’t fill up a Double A ballpark in West Virginia,” said Affleck to Oprah Winfrey in an interview in July of 2014.

We find this to be full of shit. Experts agree that upwards of 50 million
combatants and civilians died as a direct result of the Second World War.

Overall we find that Affleck is basically full of shit and has made that tragic mistake that many other actors (i.e. Sean Penn, Jane Fonda, et al.) have fallen into: equating success on the screen as validation for their wacky, erroneous and poorly thought out and innacurate political views which only tend to muddle up serious public policy debate.

Buccaneers Set New NFL Record

TAMPA (AIP) – The National Football League’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers set a new NFL record Sunday in their 48-17 loss to the Baltimore Ravens Sunday when 6,832 fans committed suicide with 28 seconds left in the first half of the game when field goal kicker Patrick Murray nailed the right upright and sent the ball careening outside the posts, botching up the field goal attempt and allowing the Ravens to maintain a 38-0 lead going into the half.

At that point most surviving fans agree that all hope was lost.

“That's when we lost all hope and my dad and his brothers – my five uncles – shot themselves in the head one after another on the patio,” said Tampa resident Kyle Conner. “I would have joined them but we ran out of ammo.”

Florida Highway Patrol Trooper MacKenzie MaGriff said that the sight of falling bodies from the picturesque Skyway Bridge, connecting St. Petersburg with Sarasota, was more than she could bare.

“Folks were jumping off the top of the bridge in droves,” said MaGriff. “It was literally raining men and women. It took 13 hours to clear the bridge of cars abandoned by suicide jumpers. Luckily Tampa Bay acts as a giant toilet that literally flushes the dead bodies out into the Gulf of Mexico so we aren’t faced with that nasty recovery and clean up problem.”

Twist Soul bar owner Kelly Craig had to bring in a hazmat team to remove the 60 bodies and clean the floor of blood at her popular Tampa Bay nightspot.

“There was brain matter and blood splatters everywhere,” said Craig. “I watched one patron attempt to cut his wrists with one of our butter knives. It took him over 10 minutes to open up a vein and bleed out.”

“We’ve had similar occurrences from 1976 to 1980 and then again in the mid 90’s,” said Hillsborough County Sheriff’s spokesman Michael Tompkins. “We don’t even investigate the individual deaths any more. Roughly 200 local folks kill themselves for every point that the Bucs lose by each Sunday. We only investigate if the death toll falls below that number.”

The Bucs have a bye week this coming Sunday and then host the Vikings on October 26 at 1:00p.m..

Friday, October 10, 2014

Religious Leaders Clash In Rome

ROME (AIP) – Pope Francis, head and spiritual leader of the Roman Catholic Church and Abu Bakral al Baghdadi, Caliph and spiritual leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) engaged in a physical confrontation inside Rome’s posh Barde Fico Nightclub early Friday morning according to insiders who witnessed the dust up.

“It was like 3:00 in the morning and the place was packed and above the music I heard a guy yell ‘Hey Pope, you lookin at my bitches?’”, said Alfonso Biagino, a local college student. “I looked over and it was al Baghdadi who was hanging with his 72 virgins in the VIP area. Let me tell you, there’s a reason those ugly bitches are virgins.”

Bartender Bernardo Enrico takes the story from there.

“I know the Holy See heard al Baghdadi because he turned around and squinted through the cigarette smoke,” said Enrico. “Then the Pope turned back around and resumed his conversation with Sister Jenna Jameson and Sister Tera Patrick.

“Well, that must have pissed al Baghdadi off because he came barreling down the bar, pushing people out of the way and got right in the Pope’s face. At the time I remember hoping that neither one was packing.”

Biagino saw al Baghdadi wave his finger under the Pope’s nose and heard him say ‘omak mesasa’. The Pope pushed his hand away and yelled ‘bastardus’.

“Then it was game on,” said Baigino.

“There were no actual punches,” said Enrioc. “Just some pushing and chest bumping. Bouncers separated the two and by the time the Carabinieri arrived the Pope had already left in his Corvette with the two sisters. Al Baghdadi hung out for a while and ended up punching a hole in the men’s room wall and then left in his tour bus with the bitches at about dawn. It was really no big deal.”

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Researchers Alarmed At Findings

CLEARWATER, FL (AIP) – Researchers closely monitoring the behavior of Deputy Clerk of the Court Andy Rawl, a court clerk this week assigned to cover a slip and fall lawsuit in circuit civil court, are alarmed that Rawl seems to have spent much of his time during the trial fantasizing about murdering virtually everyone else in the courtroom.

“Rawl is normally a pretty laid back guy,” said lead researcher Michael Nesbitt-Goins. “Some of his fantasys during this civil trial are pretty sick. Actually they are damn near medieval. Today he was thinking about watching the plaintiff’s attorney being drawn and quartered.”

When contacted by reporters Rawl, who has an historic and well known hatred of being assigned to cover civil trials, showed no remorse for his murderous fantasies.

“By the third day of the trial I wanted them all dead,” said Rawl, sipping a beer. “Hours and hours of monotonous, dull medical testimony. Inane questions from idiot attorneys. The court reporter kept asking the witnesses to talk slower, which only made things take longer.

“I pretty much had it under control until the plaintiff called a Cupcake Slip Accident Reconstruction Engineer as a witness. Somebody dropped a cupcake on the floor of a bakery and the plaintiff slipped and fell on it. The witness is supposedly an expert at reconstruction these type accidents.”

Reporters noted at this point in the interview that Rawl was becoming visibly upset as he spoke.

“What the fuck is that?” said Rawl. “Cupcake Accident specialist? You gotta be fucking kidding me. The guy makes $300 an hour testifying in cupcake cases? How many cupcake cases can there fucking be. Son of a bitch was on the stand for four hours. He stutters. All I could think of was how much I’d love to watch him be pulled apart on the rack.”

The trial is expected to last another three days. Researchers will monitor Rawl the entire time.

“We don’t expect that he will act on these sick fantasies,” said Nesbitt-Goins. “He never has before.”

“I want each one of those people in the courtroom to die a horrible, slow, painful death while I watch, including the jurors and they haven't even said anything,” said Rawl. “Why can’t God just kill them all?”

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Major Florida Football Schools To Continue Off Field Policy

TALLAHASSEE (AIP) – Citing the old adage to ‘stick with what works’ the presidents of Florida’s three major university football powerhouses – Florida State University, the University of Florida and the University of Miami – have jointly decided to continue their policy of allowing top tier football players to sexually assault co-eds.

“Our first string quarterback last year was accused of sexually assaulting a female on campus and he went on to win the Heisman Trophy,” said FSU spokesman Ronald McQueen. “It’s a winning strategy. It’s proven.”

“We’ve taken a page from the pros,” said UF spokesman Carla Barlow. “The Pittsburg Steelers led the way when their quarterback was accused of sexually assaulting a woman in a bar and today that man wears a Super Bowl ring, two of them in fact.”

McQueen was quick to point out that, although there is no actual scientific evidence to prove that sexual battery makes a better quarterback, the anecdotal evidence is strong.

“That freshman from Florida comes into a losing game and gets a huge win in Tennessee, hours later he’s allegedly out sexually battering a woman on campus,” said McQueen. “I can’t believe we didn’t see the nexus earlier.

"Female students at our university know that we have a winning program and furthermore they realize that their potential rape is the price the student body has to pay for that tradition of excellence. Do you have any idea of the number of women raped at Notre Dame over the years?"

Blue chip high school quarterback Johnny Maverick of Highlands County (FL) High School, who is weighing scholarship offers from a number of Division 1 schools said that being able to sexually batter a coed at a school in Florida will narrow down his choice.

“I want to be the best quarterback I can be, and if a school in Florida will allow me to sexually assault a woman, well that’s a huge upside,” said Maverick.

Some of the state's smaller universities, including the University of South Florida and the University of Central Florida have declined to participate in the program.


Thursday, October 2, 2014

Goddard College Nixes Cop Killer As Speaker

PLAINFIELD, VT (AIP) – Bowing to the intense national pressure brought upon it by conservatives across the country, tiny Goddard College has rescinded an invitation for cop killer Mumia Abu-Jamal to speak at its upcoming commencement and instead invited former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky.

“Our students deserve the opportunity to hear opinions and experiences that the Establishment might not find pleasing,” said Goddard College Vice Chancellor Magritte Van Damm. “We feel that Mr. Sandusky will offer our graduates a unique perspective on teamwork, strategy, strength, forced anal and oral sodomy, man-boy love and the 3-4 defense. It’s a wonderful opportunity.”

Many of the students, while upset that the original choice of Abu-Jamal was so enraging to a large number of Americans, are pleased that they could find a morally reprehensible alternative.

“The fact that we’re going to have a white boy-fucker instead of a black cop killer is okay by me,” said senior class president Marvin Christianson. “I know my dad was pissed off about Abu-Jamal and he does pay the tuition.”

Sandusky, interviewed by phone from Pennsylvania’s SCI Greene “supermax” prison where he is serving his 30 to 60-year sentence, was please at the invitation.

“I am excited to be around those young people,” said Sandusky. “I can’t wait for the opportunity to drill my ideas about life into them.”

Sandusky joins a list of notable but controversial commencement speakers that Goddard has invited over its 150-year history, which has included Richard Speck, Idi Amin Dada, Reinhard Heydrich, John Wayne Gacy, Pol Pot and Sarah McLachlan.